Should I have another baby?

  1. first of all, i have to clearify that i am not a baby person. my first and only pregnancy was an accident. but it was a beautiful one. :love: i got lucky with my son, Phoenix, who is 9 months old now. i was 20 at the time, a college student, didnt have a job. but somehow, things worked out. and i have to admit that it is amazing watching my baby grow everyday.

    anyways, i'm up to a point to decide if i want another baby in my life. my husband would love a second one but i have lot of concerns. i swore to myself i wouldnt have another one after going through pregnancy and labour. but having babies is addictive i guess, i miss having a new born and watching him/her growing. and i would love a little girl as my second child.

    so here are my questions, what is like to have two or more children?(2 is my maxium number) i've seen terrible things between the two kids of my brother in law's-fights, jealousy, screaming and so on.

    could you really love both/all of your kids at the exact same level? i'm sure deep down inside you may love one more than the other(s). and it is quite unfair on the other child. my husband's parents love his brother, they worship him, and when it comes to my husband, nothing. and that is a big concern of mine. i wouldnt have a clue what is like of having more than 1 child in the family because i am the only one of my parents'.
    what if i cant give enough attention to both of them? what if i dont have anymore time for myself? and i already dont have enough time.

    and my following comment may make me sound like a devil
    another baby or more bags? babies are expensive!!

    so here you have it all, please feel free to throw in your 2 cents. i would love to hear your opinions.:heart:
     
  2. I won't lie, it was a little tough when my dd's were really young (they are two years apart) but nothing I couldn't handle. It was hard potty training one while just giving birth, nursing and changing diapers on a newborn. However, I really enjoy taking both of my daughters shopping now that they are 5 and 7 years old. They are so sweet and loving and take great care of eachother. I will say it was A LOT easier to go from 1 child to two vs. going from 2 childred to a third!

    Yes you can love your children equally but you do love them in different ways. Of course some parents do treat some children differently than others but it's hard not to love your child. There are times you connect more with one child than another or perhaps one of the kids is more affectionate than the other....but I do not have a favorite child at all. You'll also find that at different stages of their developement it is much easier to do certain activities with one child vs. the other. For example, my older dd loves school and knows how to use her "quiet voice." My younger dd, is very loud but she is also ALWAYS nice to new people and does better in social situations than my sometimes shy older dd.

    Well, kids are expensive but that is also very dependent on how you raise them. Are they all going to private schools? did you set up a college savings fund right away? Will you go on many family vacations?
     
  3. No. I would not have another baby at this time, if I were you. If you are "not a baby person" why even consider it? Having a newborn and an 18 month old is tough... even if you have the wonderful support of family, it is hard work. You definitely will not have more time for yourself, I mean, how would that even be possible? Why don't you give yourself some time, enjoy teaching things to your son and watching him grow? (and go through the "terrible two's":hysteric:) You still have oodles of time to decide what you would like to do, so why rush? Good luck with whatever you decide.:smile:
     
  4. That's a hard one. I can't really give my opinion on whether you should have another child or not, but I can tell you that I have a younger sibling. He's a year and a half younger than I am. We are very close for being brother/sister. Of course siblings do fight here and there, but it really depends on the person. It was always only us two in the household so to me, it felt like we only had each other. My bf has 2 other brothers, and they aren't very close at all. It seems like his parents favor the other 2. He's the middle child and is always getting the worse from his parents, although I would say generally he is the best out of the 3. If you think you can handle having another one, I'd say go for it. If you decide to, I hope you get a girl! I think having a boy and a girl is perfect.
     
  5. I guess this is a decision only you can really make. My 2 sons are 2 years apart (I'm now expecting my 3rd) and in the beginning it was really tough working fulltime, trying to breastfeed one while attending to the older child. My older child was quite frustrated and jealous and I guess it was worse because he's a sweet boy who has difficulty expressing anger. Now that the older is 6 and the younger one is 4, they are they best of friends. They love playing together, even when their own friends are around. They talk to each other a lot and are constantly looking for the other's company. Of course they still fight (they are boys after all) but it's not anything major.

    When I was pregnant with no 2, I also worried about loving my kids equally - it's hard after having 1 child to imagine that you can feel the same way for a 2nd, but motherhood and the human heart are incredible things. I love both my children differently but with equal passion. In the same way, they require different things of me - what would satisfy one won't necessarily be the key to the other's happiness.

    Good luck with your decision! At least there is no pressure to decide at this moment what you really want, right? You can take your time and go from there.
     
  6. I can't speak from experience since I'm pregnant now with my first. But to me, it sounds like you may want to wait a bit and see if you get past some of these doubts. You're still young and have plenty of time to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. My brother and I are 6 years apart and my DH and his sister are 5 years apart, and we both have great relationships with our siblings, so you're certainly not doing Phoenix any harm by waiting. It just sounds like you're not excited about the idea right now, so why rush it?
     
  7. i'd like to say thank you to everyone, i really appreciate that you taking your time writing the replys.

    i am kind of in a rush because my husband promised me that he will quit his job in a year time and become a staying home father so that i can go back to work and i really cant wait. it seems like a perfect time to have another baby (if i decide to have one) so that there's no hassel when i start my career and my husband doesnt want the children to be too far apart.

    i have been giving your opinions lot of thoughts.
    i really want a little girl, if my first baby happened to be a girl, i probably wouldnt be thinking of having another baby. however, one child seems a bit lonely. i was the only child who grew up with a dog. and i had 6 cusions, i was close to 4 of them. but my son, phoenix, only has 2. i certainly do not want him to be lonely.
    and everything seems come in a set of four or more, family vacation packages, personalized dolls and etc. it gets me wonder if 3 is an abnormal number for a family. it seems no one cares about the 3s.
    back to the "i want a girl" topic, my friend has done some research, basically it costs $30,000 to guarantee a girl. and i cant take my chances hoping for the best because the chance of having a girl is nearly 0 for me. my husband's family is full of boys. the girl boy ratio is like 1:10. $30,000! how much could that do for my son!
    my heart and my head are still fighting, i guess i have to play by the rule of "if you dont know what to do then dont do anything". we are talking about another child here, it's serious and extraordinary. i need more time to step back n see the bigger picture. i really shouldnt make another move until im 100%sure.

    i know it's up to me to make the decision like you guys said, but i still wanna hear more opinions. they really got me thinking from different angles as i am a very inexperiencedparent and all of you think alot clearer than me.

    i wish all the best to you and your children(including the ones still hiding in mommys' tummys):heart:

    love,
    cindy
     
  8. Hi Cindy

    My children are 19 months apart. Youngest is now 7 weeks old. I was in a rush because I had first one at 33 and didn't want to run into too many complications due to advanced maternal age. Seems like I did the right thing since I had so many issues including horrible screening results, gestational diabetes, crazy labor, etc.

    I will not lie to you, however, having kids together this close is HARD. I love my children but every day at the end of the day as I lay in bed with my husband I tell him that I wish I could run away. We have ZERO time for ourselves, ZERO time for one another and I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. DOn't get me wrong, my kids make me laugh, they fill me with love, wonder, joy, but they also suck all the energy out of you. And the kicker for me is that I don't feel like I am missing anything exciting, I've travelled, gone to school, partied, done everythig that I want to and the only thing that I really, really miss (okay, there's more than 1 thing) is some peace and quiet, time to myself, dinner with my husband, the ablity to pick up and leave--even to go to the grocery store, in an instant. With two young ones everything is an eveny, everything requires planning, and you must be in "surveilance" mode constantly.

    I really don't want to scare you, but I want you to know what you're getting into. I don't have regrets and I know that when they're older it'll all be easier, but right now in this instant I am bordering on the line of insanity.

    As for the jealousy thing, yes, my older daughter has moments of jealousy, BUT she also has more moments of love and care for her brother. Any time she hears him cry she runs to him and hugs him, gets a diaper,a burp cloth, a bottle. It is sooo amazing to see and I can't wait to see their relationship develop even more in the future.

    Ok, they're yelling now...got to go!

    Best of luck to you!!!
     
  9. We are a family of 3 and it is about all we can happily handle. I like having alone time with my Dh (once DD is asleep) and Dh & I both like nice $$ things. Babies are expensive, after all.

    So, when we think about how much time we want for each other and the money we want for nicer things, it means we are staying a family of 3. Selfish, maybe? But I figure it is better for her to have two happy parents rather than 2 stressed parents and a sibling. :shrugs:
     
  10. My advice would be to wait a bit. My first two are 15 months apart and when they were little it was SO much hard work!!! There was no jealousy or fighting (that came later), but physically it was exhausting!

    I do love my kids equally but they are different people and I love them both in different ways - not more or less than each other, but uniquely.

    On the topic of wanting a girl - $30,000 is a lot of money but if you can afford it and it's what you want to do then go for it. If not, then please don't get too set on wanting your second one to be a girl. My ex always wanted a daughter and we had two boys. He was ok with the first one but when the second one came out a boy he couldn't hide his disappointment and sadly he has always blatantly favoured the eldest. Now that they are teenagers my youngest has become fully aware of this, and (as we're divorced) rarely wants to spend time with his dad anymore. It breaks my heart that he has missed out so much on having a close relationship with his dad.

    You have a tough decision to make and I wish you all the best in making the right decision for you and I wish you a happy, healthy family whatever the outcome.
     
  11. rileygirl- your babies are so beautiful...i'm sure it'll get easier as they grow. my heart melted when you said that your daughter hugs your son when he cries. i bet it's the sweetest thing in the world, and in the end of the day, it's all worths it. wow, i guess i am becoming a baby person. all the best to your family.:heart:

    kellykapoor- that was my thoughts exactly. you have quite a point. after all, Phoenix is the most important one, i have to do what is right for him, probably not me. i cerntainly dont want him to have 2 stressed parents and a sibling.

    imyflutterby- i dont have $30,000. i could borrow it off my mom or my in law. but like i said, $30,000 could do alot for my son, and myself hehe. i did some research myself this time, they only guarantee 94% chance of me having a girl. i'm not sure if i could take the risk and being in $30,000 debt.
    i'm sorry about the relationship between your younger son and his father. i understand that he wanted a girl, but the boy is still his son, his blood. i hope that he will understand one day. and i hope your younger son, will see the bright side that he has a supportive mom and other people that love him although growing up without his father's love can be tough.
    i see that you are pregnant again, all the best to you, your lil bubby n ur sons. ooooxxxxoooo
     
  12. Couple of my own personal thoughts....

    I know it's hard not to think of gender sometimes, but if you REALLY deep down only want a girl, then I don't think you should get pregnant right now. If you end up with a second son, you may be so disappointed that you do treat him differently. Maybe you should wait until you get to the point of wanting a "second child" rather than wanting "a girl"....KWIM? I've done a lot of personal reflection on this because I have 2 girls and was once a bit let down that my second child wasn't a son BUT now that I see my daughter's becoming such good best friends - I'm just glad I have a second healthy child (and the fact that my SIL's opposite gender children seems to despise each other right now is enlightening although I KNOW this is different for each family....I am NOT making any generalizations here, it's just that you can't guarantee personalilties or interests by gender). I have truly gotten to the point that if I have a 3rd child, I REALLY don't care which gender it is and I personally wouldn't bring another child into this world if I did.

    On another personal note, my daughters are 3 years apart and this seems just right to me....my older daughter helps me a lot and I am able to spend quality time with each without sacrificing my sanity - LOL!

    Either way - I hope some of the comments on this thread have helped you with your decision! Good luck! :smile:

    Oh - and for "can you love 2 as much as one"....yes! It's like parents, I love mine equally but there are times I was closer with my dad and times I was closer with my mom. I love my mom more for her attention, but my dad was a little more compassionate. My older daughter is smart and cuddly and my younger is more distant and funny yet they are both a hoot and I couldn't live without either! :heart:
     
  13. thank u frenchiefan. your daughters sound beautiful and caring. it's a great thing that 2 of them can actually become friends and helping you around. daughters are so sweet...u make me want one lol

    i definately am gonna wait tho. i'm having a bad week with my son. he wouldnt eat unless he gets to play with his train in his high chair. and sometimes that doesnt even work, it's like he's on a hunger strike. he cries as soon as he sees a spoon going near his mouth, he graps it and throws his food around. i dont wanna spoil him but i really want him to eat. i cant imagine myself having a new born hanging off me while im trying to feed a trouble monkey. i got a lot more patient and tolerant since i had a baby, but i guess it's just isnt enough.
    all the best to u and your lovely daugthers...
     
  14. i think you should wait...you are still young so no worries that you might not be able to get pregnant and you also say you want a girl. What if you get another boy? Seems like your rushing but having another child is something you really have to think about without any time frame pressure
     
  15. I also think you should wait. You're so young and right now there's really no need to rush into a pregnancy just because your DH wants another one. How about you? You have to go through the pregnancy, the morning sickness, bloating, etc. not him. Do you want to do it again? Are you having another one just because you/him want a girl this time? If so, there are no guarantees what the gender will be and $30K seems a lot of $$ to put out if you don't have any guarantees. Also, if you want another child, you have to want to do it for yourself not to give your DH one because you'll wind up resenting him for it. Good luck and let us know what you decide.:smile: