Serious Life Issue: I'm not living my own life

  1. I don't know who visits this forum who has seen me around. I'm in Chloe' a lot. You may have seen a post in "Handbags & Purses" that relates to me missing classes....

    The life I am attempting to live right now is not my own; it's all for my best friend. He's the figure of authority in my life, and he wants me to get my associates this Spring and go to live away at school in Florida. Go full time so I can live there, which is something I don't want to do. I got used to the idea of living at school, but I'm disabled and full time is hard for me.

    He says he doesn't want me to do it for him, but I'm too afraid of him to even feel what I want to do. How can I tell him that I DO really want to move to Florida, but I don't want to go to school right now like this??? He fr******g graduating from MIT and is now getting his PhD, and I'm taking a while to get my associates. He puts focus on education, but I don't like focusing on THE DEGREE. I've gotten a great education in almost two years of college, why should I have to be the same as everyone? I'm smart and he recognizes that, so he thinks I need to fulfill my potential. I tried to tell him I don't want to get a "job" job, I just want to blog. And he knows I want to make blogging my "career" but all he can see is that for right now it's not.
    I'm taking a class that I hate. Withdrew before, taking it again!! :confused1: Still hate it. It was all that was available. All just to graduate in the Spring. I can't even tell him I'm taking it, because he doesn't know I withdrew last semester. I also have to finish up coursework for an incomplete or fail, but he doesn't know I have two extra courses worth of work than I do...

    NO he just makes sure I focus on my applications first. And he gets the feeling the reason why I procrastinate is because I didn't want to do it, and I THOUGHT I DID! I didn't know why I put it off! Suddenly, as it's all becoming finished and ready to send, I realize I DON'T want to go to school! Just move to Florida without that! Maybe that was in me all this time.

    Everything's messed up.

    I end up skipping classes, and I don't tell him. He doesn't even suspect, the angel. I don't know what I did in math class, but he doesn't suspect??? The angel.

    I try to make rewards or punishments to go to class, but it doesn't work. This term I find I can't wake up with my alarm. It's like I sleep more just BECAUSE I have school. I even LIKE two of my classes! I have a GREAT teacher! (Well, two, one is for the class that I hate the subject matter in, as well. So two with him in literature [I HATE literature, taking English, oiiiiiii!!!!] and one good one in Math [and I thought I hated math! Ha].

    I wish I could withdraw from the class I don't like and finish my associates on my own time.. The reason I was definitely going to get it before transferring was because my BFF (best friend) was going to be visiting (MIT reunion! Oi) around that time.

    I like the idea of dorm room living with the people I might meet, living on my own...

    I fell out of love with college a few semesters ago. I don't even want a job in English from my degree! I just want to blog! And now I really want to also sell on eBay. If I go to fashion school, well I want to be a designer, but is that possible? I don't even want to live in NYC right now. I could learn to sew and make my own handbags and THEN enter the school... PART TIME.

    He keeps saying one can't get financial aid part time, but I read and one can! Grr.

    What I wish I could do now is just move into a studio, I can make enough money now for it with my blogging and eBaying, and still get at least one nice handbag a month or a couple on great deals (or Coach).

    I need to get away from my parents. I could find a place nearby to start, still having my mum near, then think about Florida? I don't know. The other thing is that I'm moving all alone to be near someone so controlling! But he also cares more than anyone in my life, ever.


    How can I tell him?!
  2. I'm just wondering why he has so much power over you.. Is he more than your best friend? But no matter if he is. You shouldn't let people dictate you on what you should be doing. It is your life after all and you'll be the one dealing with the consequences.

    I hope you'll be able to tell him all this.. HUGS****
  3. Awww sweetie...take a deep breathe first. Ok so try to tackle all the things one at a time. First what is it that you want, you can't confront him and not know where you stand. When you figure all that out, which keep in mind might take some time, call him up and tell him you want to talk to him. Tell him the truth of how and what you want for yourself. Hopefully if he is the BFF that he is, then he will look at himself and respect you for having come out with the truth.
  4. Ella, this is your best friend? Plain and simple he should understand and be happy for you. You should always take care of you first- whatever YOU want. You don't need to keep him happy, he has his own life. You need to keep you happy.

    This is all that matters- your happiness and your life. You only have one to live, so live it for you- not for anyone else. And if someone else comes along the way and is a big part of your life, that is great- as long as they are a part of your life and not running it.

    Hang in there- he should understand! :heart:
  5. OY....he isnt a true friend if you cant open up and talk to him freely..IMHO..You need to stand up for yourself..speak YOUR MIND....and do what makes YOU happy . PERIOD.
    Good luck!and HUGS!
  6. Wow honey , you have so much weighing on your mind right now and you need to reach out to the people that love you!!

    You need to speak to your best friend first and foremost, it sounds like you are either afraid of him or afraid of losing him and if he is a good friend to you then you don't have to fear either one of those things.

    Moving is a huge decision, school is a huge decision, your career is a huge decision but ultimately only YOU can make thos decisions. You cannot let someone talk you into making choices that will affect the rest of your life. In the end, only YOU can take care of YOU. YOU are responsible for yourself first and foremost and making yourself happy is the most important decision you have to make. If you are not truly happy with yourself and your choices, every other aspect of your life will reap the effects of this..

    You cannot live your life based on what someone else tells you to do..
    He is probably only looking out for your best interest, maybe doesn't want to see your talent and beauty "wasted" and not be productive enough for you to survive. But that is not his choice to make.. And if you want to do the things you say, you have to start by claiming your choices, making them known and standing by them....

    Be strong, confident and LOVE yourself girl, no matter what other people think of your choices..
    Best of Luck to you!
  7. Lots of good advice here :flowers:
  8. Thanks girls. Hugs to you both.

    I already was feeling sick tonight (loud music in house + ate too much junk) then worried myself sick over this! I'm back up from bed right now, again.

    I'm trying to make myself feel better by telling myself it'll be over soon. I can control my life now. I'm afraid of lecturing & whathaveyou by my friend, but it also stinks, because I can't REALLY talk to him until 10pm tonight. He's busy today.

    I need to take two pills to soothe me so I can sleep. I mostly feel better now: three extra strength Tylenol took the edge off. (I take a lot of pills, hm? It's okay, I do it a fair amount.)

    While I wait, I'm going to post here. :p
  9. It's your life ella! You should have a talk with your friend and tell him that. Good luck with whatever you do!
  10. Sounds like its just one of those days that things just aren't going right. Well I'm pretty sure your friend will be very understanding. Sounds like he really does care about you. If things don't go well you have us :girlsigh: to get you through it.
  11. Awwww, thanks! I might then need a Boston meet-up. ;)
  12. I understand because SO is one of those people. He is very education oriented, and doesn't think that anybody would want to do anything else other than study. When I first met him, he drew up this plan for me with so many courses I should take in what order, when etc etc. One semester I took 3 courses (as par his instructions) and do a TA (Teaching assistantship) and it made me totally hate my life. I didn't enojy anything because it was so, so hectic. I was new to the grad school experience, I was between advisors and so I was very dependent on other people's advice about what I should do and when. He even made plans for me to transfer to Computer Science. I might have done it, as I have a CS minor.

    Then I took a long hard look at myself and asked myself what I would like to do. I like what I'm doing. I like where I live and my hobbies and the way I spend my time. I'm not horribly work oriented. I like to take the weekend off and go play in the park with my kid...I don't want to have my nose stuck in an academic text all the time, I like to read chick-lit form the library... So I told him to back off. It was hard, but I had to do it.

    He actually ended up going to therapy because of this and some other reasons, but according to his therapist because he felt like some aspects of his life were not under control (like his work and his academics) he tried to compensate by trying to be 'overhelpful' to others in terms of academics and advising people! He has actually found a nice niche for himself volunteering at a local prison where he teaches an academic program and advises and guides the inmates who are doing GEDs , programming courses and so on.

    I should stress that he is not a controlling person in personal or family life, just the academic part..since he now understands that I do not like my academics to be interfered with and I am perfectly capable of figuring out what I want to do and when, he is very non-intrusive.

    Please take a stand and let him know what you are comfortable with. It's always worrying thinking that he may not like you anymore if you don't take his advice, but you need to be independent, ESPECIALLY in your studies.
  13. Very good advice. I think you're putting alot of pressure on yourself. Take a deep breath and tell him how you feel.
  14. So sorry to hear it is rough for you right now. Hang in there! I agree with others about taking a stand and doing what you want in life. Your best friend may just want you to have enough education to be set for life. Maybe he cares a lot about you and just wants you to have the skills and education to not solely depend on blogging and ebaying to live, like a backup plan.

    It does sound like you need time to focus on you and what you want and you can always go back to school-when you are ready. Good Luck! I hope you feel better!
  15. i am a bit confused. is this guy your personal best friend or an older friend of the family? i read some of your other posts and you seem confident and normal. why is he able to control your schooling or location?

    i hope that these questions are not to personal. if so, please accept my apology and disregard this post. good luck! :yes: