Rules For Cats To Live By

  1. [SIZE=-1]Rules for cats to live by[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]BATHROOMS:
    Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

    DOORS:
    Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

    CHAIRS AND RUGS:
    If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

    HAMPERING:
    If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

    1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

    2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

    3) For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

    4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.

    5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.

    6) When a human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human's lap across arms if possible to hamper typing in progress.

    WALKING:
    As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

    BEDTIME:
    Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn't move around too much.

    LITTER BOX:
    When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

    HIDING:
    Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

    ONE LAST THOUGHT:
    Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
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  2. tiramisu :lol: thank you so much for these rules... i was giggling so much while i was reading these. I can relate to almost all of these and i'm sure so would my 2 cats :yes:
     
  3. Fab thread and v true!:smile:
     
  4. Who sent that to my cats??? :cursing:

    :roflmfao:
     
  5. :roflmfao:LMAO !!!! It's as if my cat wrote those rules :cursing:!!!
     
  6. I know my cat wrote this.
     
  7. LOL my cat is currently doing number 6 and now so satisfied with his hampering opted to sleep on my right hand which was holding the mouse, forcing me to type this left handed!
    The last thought is hilarious!! My sister's cat insists on doing it after going to the toilet as well!
     
  8. Very funny!
     
  9. percephonie, your kitten is learning the rules so quickly!!!

    And yes, we all appreciate when they do The BUTT HELLO~~~!!!

    [​IMG]
     
  10. OMG that was hilarious....mine is hampering right now...he decided to fall asleep across 2 sets of paperwork..and has his tail draped on a third set!
     
  11. lol... So true of my kitties before... Can't help but love them!
     
  12. LOL...My cats got this memo already..so funny , thanks for sharing..
     
  13. I'm glad you guys enjoyed this!!!
     
  14. That first rule made me laugh out loud!! It's so true! And it combines nicely with rule #2.

    There should be a part B to Rule #1, about peeking over the toilet bowl rim immediately after the human has vacated the seat, in order to check the quality of the human's ehem, and to watch it get flushed. My cats love to do that.