Revised College Essay

  1. Hi girls! A few weeks ago I posted an essay I was submitting to colleges here and recieved lots of constructive criticism. Well, I have finally revised my essay and hopefully this one is much better. Once again would love any suggestions or comments. Let me know what you think.

    Thanks so much!
    ________
    Everyday as I walk to school I am amazed at the amount of poverty-stricken people I see on the streets. I am not particularly amazed in awe or surprise. However, I am baffled and stuck. On these same streets
    I have grown to understand the importance of dignity and integrity. I used to stare at homeless people, I would watch them gather soda cans from our Brooklyn corner garbages like digging for treasure they once possessed and somehow lost in the gaping holes of our leftovers. I used to think this were some distant pastime like when I was younger and would collect sea shells by the Coney Island shore. Until, I got older, and they never went home. They were always there in the mornings and after school.

    Where I am from its not hard to find excuses for yourself to quit. Its not that much of a stretch to believe that this world is an overbearing oppressor. But I believe, we inherently adapt to our environments in form
    and nature. And so, what is so unnatural about homeless people in Brooklyn? They are human individuals trying to find their way in this world and though, somewhere down the line, they have lost their family and
    homes, they continue to survive and struggle. How then, can I see such a fight in their spirits, despite their situations, and not wish to be more?

    The most astounding observation I can come to conclude in having lived and reflected on where I am from is how, even the poorest and the most without, can always find a way to obtain contemporary style and trend. Everyone has the latest gucci bag or the newest prada shoes even if they are on welfare and struggling. It disturbs me how people in my community will spend their last dollar to look good but never deal with the internal conflict that truly reflects on the other expression. I was floored one morning, when I saw a homeless man whose head was half way to the bottom in search for cans in the garbage while is sneakers held more pride in its clean, fresh, newness outside on the concrete. As though to be watching and laughing at the man whose entire body drowned in search of a way just to pay for the next pair of sneakers to add to his shame. And perhaps, this is when and where, the exact moment I believed I needed to be a part of the fashion industry.

    Ever since I was a young girl I have been inspired and awed by fashion. I would go into my mothers closet and play dress up in her designer clothes for hours and hours, getting lost in my own imaginary world. Seeing people without has inspired me to continue my education so I can one day pursue a career as a Fashion Stylist and even style for those who can't afford to hire a June Ambrose or Rachel Zoe. Fashion is a unique way in which I would like to affect my community. I want to be a crucial element in how people look and feel. People in my neighborhood have went from having ancestors that were kings and queens in Africa to digging in garbage cans for whatever they can manage to find. Inside, these people feel royal, so they want to look royal. Fashion is bigger than an image, its a cultural advancement. Fashion, although thought to be superficial,isn't, or at the very least, shouldn't be. It is a reflection of the etiquette ,soul, and creativity of people. For some it is a reflection of their dreams and experiences.
     
  2. Ok. I am going to be really honest here. You are a good writer. You really made me think alot about myself when I read this line "It disturbs me how people in my community will spend their last dollar to look good but never deal with the internal conflict that truly reflects on the other expression."

    But you lost me when you wrote this "As though to be watching and laughing at the man whose entire body drowned in search of a way just to pay for the next pair of sneakers to add to his shame. And perhaps, this is when and where, the exact moment I believed I needed to be a part of the fashion industry." Why do you think his shoes were watching and laughing at him? I just found that to be a bit harsh.

    You are also lacking a nice flow from the 2nd to last and the last paragraph. I say this because you start talking about playing dress up when your focus was on that homeless man. I also think that saying "aving ancestors that were kings and queens in Africa to digging in garbage cans for whatever they can manage to find. Inside, these people feel royal, so they want to look royal." is a bit persumptious and too ambitious.

    Basically, stick to the facts. You know what you see and what you have expereinced so go with that. If you want to introduce dressing up earlier do it because I think that is more refreshing and then end on the even a homeless guy can and should have style because that is something you have realized with age ---> this would make your argument more chronological.
     
  3. ok thanks so much, i will work on those things. any other advice is appreciated!
     
  4. Your essay is okay, my suggestion is on the fourth paragraph,second sentence you mention you used to " play dress up in your mothers designer clothing",I would change it to "clothing". I noticed in your essay you mostly spoke about designer goods, maybe you should pick out a better topic. I am being honest,but you essay sounds a bit too materialistic. When writting college essays you are supposed to write something that you acheved,or something that happend in your life,and impacted you greatly. Writting about designer things will make you look closeminded (I am saying nothing is wrong,but come on this essay is going to show the college your dreams,goals,and your main perogative in life. Also an essay consists of 5 paragraphs,and I would work on my conclusion. What college's are you applying to out of curiosity? ( I sent out my app's in nov though). PM if you need more help.
     
  5. What are the rules here? I can do a thorough revision, but I don't know if that's ethical...but:
    "Every day" - "everyday" is a word, but not in this context.
    "number" - "amount" only works when you're talking about quantities of sand and time and such.
    You should combine your second and third sentences. They sound awkward right now.
    Okay, I'm going to dinner. Let me know if you don't like me picking apart every line.
     
  6. I bolded some corrections that I saw should be made. You made a big improvement from your last essay, and the wording in this one is fantastic. Great word choice. The above suggestions that others suggested should be some to consider, they are very helpful. Also, to be honest with you, I feel that most of this essay was dominated by talk about poverty and less about fashion. I would revise that a bit if I were you. Best of luck!!
     
  7. I have just finished helping about fifty students with their college essays, so I hope I can help you a bit. I can only give some quick input here because I have a ton of essays to correct, but I'll be free to help later in the week.

    What is the prompt for your essay? The most important factor you should consider when writing your college essay is whether or not you actually answer the question prompt. Once you have established exactly what the university/college is seeking in a personal statement, you next need to find your focus. What I see here is that your primary focus is discussing how your environment has influenced your love of fashion, which is a solid topic. You lose the reader in the essay with your examples, which jump from observations about the homeless in your neighborhood, to how your mother was your first fashion role model. Presently, your essay lacks cohesiveness. Decide the avenue you would like to follow in your essay and stick with it. IMHO, ditch the references to the homeless and other neighborhood people who cannot afford fashion, which do not belong in an essay about how you have been inspired by your environment, and develop the thread about your mother and other positive influences in your life. The most important step in writing your personal statement is getting your organization and thesis down; worry about grammar after you have perfected the rest. Sorry I can't help you further tonight, but I'll have more time later in the week if you repost after your revision!
     
  8. Ladies thank you so much for your suggestions. You are all brilliant, I don't know what I woul do without you all! Since I was not assigned a specific topic and was asked for just a "personal statment" I am thinking of taking Jadores advice and changing my essay topic altogether and making it about an acheivement which would be winning my first beauty pageant, i would lay it out something like this:
    intro-introduce my topic tell about when i first fell in love with pageants , how i was determined to enter and win one
    1st body par.-the work i put into preparing, how i felt loosing my 1st pageant , how i felt when i finally won a pageant
    2nd body par.- the opportunites my pageant titles have given me/ doors that have been opened and how pageants have helped me mature and what ive accomplished since entering pageants/because of pageants. hav
    3 body paragraph- talk about how pageants have inspired me to do more with my life and go on to college and fulfill my dreams of becoming a fashion stylist. talk about future career goals
    conclusion- some up why i think pageants are positive and how the have changed my life

    what do you ladies think? if u think this is a no go what would u recommend I write about and how should I organize it paragraph by paragraph ( since staying on one topic and organization is my essays seem to be the biggest problem for me).

    Thanks so much!
     
  9. Sorry to keep bugging everyone wit this but another idea I jus came up with is an essay on fashion and my 1st love that I would break down like this:
    INTRO
    1ST PAR.:talk about when I 1st fell in love with fashion and how I was inspired
    2Nd PAR.:talk about how fashion has helped me grow and given me confidence
    3RD PAR.: talk about my future career goals in fashion
    CONCLUSION

    I like this better than the pageanr idea, what do u all think?
     
  10. Yes! I like the above idea, too. Don't worry about grammar or that stuff yet. Just write it as if you were telling one of us about it and then pick at it.
     
  11. If you are planning on majoring in Fashion, write your essay on fashion. Depending on the type of institution to which you are applying, writing about your involvement in beauty pageants may not go over well with the admissions officers.
     
  12. what clgs r u applying to? Man i remembered last year...this was me last year...

    but one suggestion though...don't begin sentence with "and"
     
  13. Keep your essay FOCUSED. You could write pages about the entire extent of your involvement with any given topic, but that isn't interesting. Try flushing out one aspect in a meaningful way rather than trying to say too much.
     
  14. Love that idea!!
     
  15. Hi! I like your essay, and the corrections should make it more professional. You have some great ideas. But I don't really understand how homeless people inspired you to go into the fashion industry. I think you said, when you saw the way a homeless person too pride in their sneakers, that was your moment of enlightenment. To me, it sounds like you just want to go into the fashion biz to exploit people for their money (because everyone craves labels?) I know you mean well, but it's coming across a little harsh. Maybe you can explain exactly what you mean?

    Also, do the people reading your essay know who June Ambrose and Rachel Zoe are?

    One more thing, I don't think you should write about kings and queens in Africa. There are homeless people of all colors and backgrounds.

    Over all I think it is a great idea to write about what you love--fashion!