Relationship issue (long post!)

  1. I just wanted to see if anyone here can give me some good advice! I've been with my bf for about 5 years...and there is no doubt that I love him very much and he loves me very much as well. During the relationship, however, there were some infidelity issues on his part (nothing physical, but shady and unfaithful things). I have tried to reclaim my trust for him, but it's difficult to gain it all back. One big problem in the relationship is that we have been really dependent on each other (so now we're on a break/break-up situation. he initiated it because he thought we both really need our time to be our own people and have our own friends. i do agree. we also intend on getting back together when we're both more mature and ready). One of the issues in the relationship is that I started not being able to handle him having female friends. This is largely due to past infidelity and also his choice of female friends in the past were unwise. He assures me now, however, that he just wants to have some girl friends (and if anything, according to him, it would supposedly make him a better bf in terms of how to treat me well). I do trust him to an extent but I also have doubts about the other girls... He is very charming, out-going, humorous, VERY nice to people he's just met (sometimes almost flirty?! That's probably just me :confused1: ), so he attracts a lot of girls.

    In a recent occurrence - we are still on a break/break up and he told me he was going to hang out with a girl that hes befriended with in this co-ed frat that he joined recently a month ago (not as hardcore as a lot of the other frats are). He locked himself out of his car which was parked at her apartment, so he called me to rescue him since I happened to have his spare. So I drove 20 minutes from my dorm to her apartment, and saw that he was dressed up and looked really nice. And that made me jealous! I mean he does dress up quite a bit now...but still! Also they went shopping together for her roommate's present...is it just me or is shopping with someone a relatively intimate thing to do? The thing is, I am quite sure there is nothing going on because if there was, he wouldn't have told me about him hanging out with her (we don't talk very much now).

    Now...are any of you in the same situation or have experienced something similar? What do you do to relieve your insecurities? I hate having to stress! Sorry for the long post!!!
     
  2. I think since you are asking, you more or less see where it's going or not going...
    Perhaps you should sit down with him and discuss your concerns. It seems like he's given you his decisions without hearing you out.

    What kind of a break are you on? Are you sure you're not missing a message that he's trying to give you? I think he sees himself as a free man now.

    Trust is earned not something you declare that you want to reclaim just like that. He has to earn that trust back. Question is did he ever attempt to give you a reason to trust him again?

    I hope things work out for you.
     
  3. Well, I am sure that we both intend on making this work and that's why we felt that a break was needed. It's been a problem in the relationship that we both have insecurity issues and being in the relationship didn't help. The break is meant for a stronger relationship in the future. He's told me that he didn't want this break in order to find another gf or play around, but for both of us to do what we want to do and be more independent instead of relying on each other. He said that he enjoys being able to have fulfilling relationships with both guys and girls...and told me that I should do the same. He feels that I have not really been able to do what I wanted to do in the relationship, and that he doesn't want me to regret it later on. He felt that if we didn't go on a break, I would not be determined enough to do it for myself.
     
  4. I'm so surprised at myself for agreeing with your BF...:nuts:

    If you have been dating for 5 years and he is in a frat, then I'm assuming you began dating in your teens. Everything and everyone changes in college, and he sounds very grounded and insightful. I think that he really loves you and appreciates the relationship and commitment you both have, but he is also realistic.

    You both deserve the chance to grow, meet other people, make friends, become involved in campus activities, etc., so you can both offer each other more-independence, insights, etc. You have to be strong and ready to embrace this adventure! He joined a frat, so maybe you can join a group or become involved in other activities. And since he wants to be more independent of each other, you shouldn't drive 20 minutes to help him unlock his car. I mean, he shouldn't expect you to be right there whenever he and a friend that is a girl need you. There's AAA, but I do understand, because I would have driven the 20 minutes, too. :push:

    Do you think he is being influenced by parents or older siblings? That's OK, but you should think of what is good for you, also. I encouraged my little sister to first study very hard to maintain good grades and also to become as involved as possible in college: to travel, to make lots of friends, to date, to meet professors, and to just have a good time. Think about you...it will be hard at first because it has always been YOU/BF when making decisions, but show him you also have plans and interests and friends, etc.

    Hang in there! Let us know how you're doing!
     
  5. I think the "break" message is clear. I would focus on myself and realize he is likely going to find someone else. You are both very young to be making commitments and it sounds like he is trying to have his cake and eat it too.
     
  6. Yeah, I'm thinking a break means he wants to date other girls. He's in a frat in college and on a break. No matter what he says and his intentions are, if he knows he's not attached, and there are single women around, things will probably happen. I'm seeing a lot of discomfort in your future unless you let him go and do your own thing. You guys might come back to each other, you might not....but that's what life and relationships are all about.
     
  7. Unfortunately I agree with the majority-- I think this break and this other girl pretty much speak for themselves. He wants to "sow his wild oats" so to speak and it's one of those things that you've just kind of got to let him go do. And you do the same. He'll either come back to you or he won't, but either way you'll be getting on with your life and you never know what amazing possibilities are out there!
     
  8. I'm sorry to hear. My boyfriend and I just broke up last night. But we definitely had our insecurities.

    My boyfriend use to be the one who was insecure. He would hate the site of some guy asking for my number - we played in a band together before (I know bad idea) and every time we'd play a show some drunk guy would always try to shmooze me. Of course he hated it and the fact that he was so paranoid and jealous upset me because I would never initiate anything. However, slowly he got to terms with it and I was the one who became insecure after. He had one female friend whom he didn't like that well however she kept throwing herself at him - WHEN we were together. The fact that I went crazy about it made him feel as if I didn't trust him enough to make a good decision.

    A few months ago we decided to 'go on a break'. Exactly the same reason, we needed to be our own people and we needed time apart so we could just breathe. It lasted for a few weeks and we both couldn't handle being a part anymore. We were strictly together still - but on a break from each other with my understanding. So both of us didn't 'date' or try to date anytime soon. However yesterday when we got in a fight again, I told him that I just couldn't be on a break anymore because I don't know to do with myself. If I wanted to hold on I wanted to do it on my terms and not because we're on a break and I hope that we'd get back together kind of thing. It's really sad to think that there's a chance that after being broken up this time, he or I may not want that relationship back and we've been together for so long. But at the same time, if we can't just get along anymore and little fights turn into big fights it may just be good for now to cut it all off.
     
  9. This is exactly what happened in me and my boyfriends relationship...but were still together and im working thru the insecurities...good luck to you and the OP in your relationships (or lack of:smile: )
     
  10. I've a similar ex-bf that sounds too matching to your post. For a moment I was wondering is it the same guy!

    Thinking back those time when we were a pair, it was a very tiring time for me. He has many girl friends whom he claim were just pure friends. Nothing intimate physical but can be flirty/ light physical -> example kiss on cheek etc. He will always let me know what happened after he "dated" the gal friends. His reasoning for declaring what he had done is to show to me he's not unfaithful to me. Nonetheless those declarations hurt my heart.

    Meanwhile he controls me by disapproving my friends and telling me things that I bought/ my habits are terrible. He even dictates how I should dress and make-up.

    Eventually things got so bad that I can no longer handle it. I've serious confidence issue and can no longer trust his dating session with gal friends. We broke off and he immediately got one of his gal friends to be girlfriend (i.e replace my position). The sad thing is I was really very sad and cried so much. After the broke up we still kept in contact and he asked me many times to get back together. Although my heart wanted to get back together, my mind tells me the relationship is not good for my physical/ mental well-being.

    Anyway down the road time heals everything. I met new guys and is now happily married:smile:. I do not have problem trusting my hubby when he talks to girls, eat lunch with female colleagues and even meet pretty models for photo shooting session.

    I believe sometimes it's the person in question that we are in doubt of, not the acquaintance he associates with.
     
  11. I dont understand why some guys insist on their right to have female friends. Why cant they have friends that are males? My boyfriend hangs out with males. I hang out with females. We both agree that being friends with someone of the opposite sex poses too many problems.
     


  12. Well...for many years of our relationship it was just him hanging out with his guys and I would hang out with my own girlfriends. I knew that he wanted to be able to hang out with girls because he was like that before we were even together. I guess it just works like that sometimes. I do understand that sometimes talking to people of the opposite sex can be quite insightful, so I'd respect people's decision to have friends of the opposite sex. I've known many guys who are in committed relationships that have female friends, but I would not think that would be something their gf's would have to be concerned about. Being a girl myself, if I talked to a guy who has a gf and gets along with him, I would never think of doing anything to hurt their relationship let alone mine...so I wouldn't feel that she has anything to be insecure about. Since I'm in the gf position now, it's just very different :sad:
     
  13. I say listen to your intuition. If something doesn't feel right about his behavior, you're probably right!! In any case, he cannot blame you for being inquisitive or "insecure" about him having female friends (because of his past)...one serious point you have to think about is, even if you were to get married, would those feelings go away...or possibly get worse? :s Can you possibly live the rest of your life always paranoid of him having female friends? I think that is a major issue that should be addressed before you two get further down the road. Just my 2cents! :idea:
     
  14. I think you shouldn't let him know how insecure you are. Or how much it bothers you that he has girl friends. I know you've already mentioned it to him before that should be enough don't drill into the ground. He's going to do what he wants to do anyway. Also, don't be at his beck and call get involved with things that don't include him. I am sure once he's sees you having male friends and having a grand ole time he'll come back if he truly loves you.
     
  15. I would let this guy go, as hard as that can be. it isn't 100% right for you just now and its confusing you, so shut off to it, cut ties, give him back his keys- you go your way, he goes his.

    If it is meant to be, it will happen in the future, but don't expect it to, don't wait for it- go and follow your path, get on with your life, without putting all your mental energy into wondering what he might think, instead concentrate on you (because someone has to and he isn't).

    It sounds like there are ties between you two which are not resolved, and you will get your answers at some point in time, but it doesn't sound like now is the time. It sounds too confusing, so move on.