Rant ... >_<

  1. Well, I've been spending the whole day trying to calm down by reading posts and responding to them. However, it's now the end of a work day and I am not feeling better. So, this is going to be a long-winded post. This actually happened last night but it's an on-going issue that is probably never going to end because apparently I'm very worthless, absolutely evil, and just plain sucks ... And for those who wonders why I stressed over things easily and have a tendency to get walked all over, here's the answer.

    I hadn't been getting much sleep because of real life drama and work stuff - on 3 hour sleep for a while. Last night I got home around 6pm and proceeded to take a nap. I would've slept the whole way through if it weren't for the fact that my Mom called and said some things that just upset me greatly. The incident alone shouldn't be a big deal, but it's just everything that is implied behind it that drudged up all these bad feelings. Anyways, I'll get to the point.

    Mom basically called me up and started yelling at me. I don't know what happened but since she opens up my bank statements, credit statements and phonebills, she must've saw one of them that didn't please her eyes. She said that she saw that I had paid one of my bills via billpay instead of checks and that if she sees me doing that again, she's going to hit me. She said that billpay is unsafe because people will get all my info that way (not true - writing check isn't any safer). Then she proceeded to saying how I have the intelligence and common sense of a kindergartener and that I don't know how to manage my money.

    Therefore, she said she is going to assume full control of my finance. She made me print out all my paystub, citing that it's for my own good because I need to make sure my company didn't make any mistakes on my paycheck. The truth was, she just wanted to make sure that every dime I makes go straight to my bank account and nowhere else. Now THIS is a problem for me. I WORK and FUND all my purchases. I put 80% of my income into my normal bank account and the other 20% into an account that I didn't tell my Mom about. I simply told her I'm making X amount of money when I'm really making Y amount of money. With her seeing the paystub she's going to figure out I make more than I claim and will demand to know where the money has gone.

    In addition, after she ranted about my income, she proceeded to say how I am a failure because I didn't make as much money as everyone else. She talked about how my sister makes more than I do and has managed to get so many points on her frequent flyer miles and hotel that she was able to get free tickets and upgrade hotel rooms for Mom. Mom also talked about how everyone else my age is already buying a house yet I still didn't.
    After that, she started criticizing my appearance, saying how nobody decent will ever want to date me because I look horrible and am lazy. She said that because I have no common sense, am stupid, am a failure, and is totally inept, that's why I am never going to be able to finda decent guy to marry. She also said that if I do get married, my mother-in-law will hate me for being such an idiot.

    In a nutshell, my Mom is controlling, manipulative, and hurtful. She and I are in a toxic relationship that I cannot break free of (will explain later). She controls my spending, cellphone usage, what I eat, how I dress, how long my hair is, whether I can go out or even use my own car. I can NEVER gain a bit of weight because once I get pass 130lbs, she will start complaining about how I'm fat and therefore to lose weight I have to do all the household chores. Yet when I'm thin (below 115lb), she starts criticizing about how I don't have a chest and that no guy will want to date another "guy". And when my weight was in between, she'll complain about how I have no muscle mass.

    I NEVER had any curfews because I rarely get to go out at all. One time I went out with my SO (she didn't even know he's my SO at the time - had she known she wouldn't even let me go out at all) and she called EVERY HALF AN HOUR!!! Eventually I had to come back after 3 hours of being out because she was giving me so much Hell about going out.

    Everybody tells me I should take control of my life and not let my Mom control everything. That's easier said than done. My Mom is what one would call a very traditional and old school Asian (to the extreme). Yes I'm an adult but my family dynamics is very different. Basically, we cannot talk back to our parents. My Mom still hits me (I'm in my late 20s) and she throws things at me when she's in one of those crappy moods. A lot of times as long as I'm around, she will try to find something (anything) to yell at me about. Then at times when she's mad at me but I wasn't around, she takes it out on my dog.

    I cannot NOT give her control over my things, as doing so will mean that she'll disown me. I mean, I cannot even move out or not answer her calls or talk back to her because she WILL disown me over the stupidest things and neither my Dad nor my sister would dare to disobey her. I've talked to counselors before but it does not help when I'm the person who is asking for assistance. My Mom is insistent that I am the one with issues. She keeps thinking that I have mental issues and that I'm ungrateful. If it wasn't for the fact that so much is at stake, I would've gotten up and left already.

    My Dad and my sister were not supportive in this at all. They told me to just "deal with it" and that none of this would've happened if I had done well in University. Of course my Dad and my sister wouldn't understand. After all, they were not the ones being targeted by my Mom. Essentially, anything I do right now that disagrees with her will either earn me a beating, hurt my dog, or get me disowned (and then my Dad will be caught in the cross-fire). So I've figured out the ONLY way to get out of this situation - GET A JOB OUT OF STATE (OR COUNTRY) THAT PAYS BETTER THAN THIS ONE

    That is the ONLY way my Mom will let me go without trying to disown me - of which the repercussion is great. I'll have to get a job that pays more than the current one (so it can cover my rent expenses and all that) because otherwise she'll guilt trip me about how they bought a house in Orange County to save me money and now I had to move out for some job (note that she would say this even though she has wanted to rent out that house to other ppl for the longest time) ANd disown me for not doing what she wants. At the moment, the only route is going to CONSULTING FIELD since it's something I like to do, pays well, and will give me ways to get away from my Mom. But as my luck would have it, I cannot get my foot in the door. *sigh*

    So anyways, that's my rant. If anyone can give me advice on this or any help with employment contacts, I'll really appreciate it ... Sorry for this long post but i'm still feeling really stressed and upset ... It's come to the point where it's affecting my work AND that I don't even want to deal with the future anymore. I'm not suicidal, just need a good time-out from all this crap but I can't even do that.
     
  2. Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry to hear about your dilemma. Families can be interesting, can't they!?!?

    I don't have much advise to you other than to say that you should NOT feel guilty about your purchases unless you are in debt to your mother for something and are using your $ for material things instead of paying her back.

    I hope that you resolve things with your family...good luck:smile:!
     
  3. I had issues with credit cards before, but that was LONG time ago and I have paid everything off, not to mention my credit score is now Grade A credit. She just keeps holding the fact that they paid for my college education over my head. Even if I pay them back, I'm sure she'll rant about how much they spent on me to raise me. She said I've been a total waste of money and that she wished she has never had me.
     
  4. Whatever you can do, try to stay sane and try to get yourself and your dog out of your Mom's reach. It may mean not being able to afford small luxuries in order to pay your own rent, but it will extract you from this toxic, abusive relationship. Once you've done that you may have more freedom to find the consulting job you want.
    I understand you don't want to cross your mother and disrupt your entire family. It seems like you have a mental roadmap of how to do that, I think you just need to go through a little more pain first (paying your own rent, hearing your mother's displeasure at you moving, not being able to afford the lifestyle you've become accustomed to) in order to have a life of your own, free from your mother's tyranny.
    Please try to stay strong, I can't imagine how miserable you must be. :flowers:
     
  5. Why are you afraid of being disowned?...trust me once you are on your own you will finally be able to breathe, and if your dad is the go between between you and your mom for a while while you heal and get independent, that's fine....YOU CAN SURVIVE without her....this sounds like a classic abuser relationship where the one who is being abused feels in some way that they will not be able to live without the one dishing out abuse...it's probably because you have a sense of loyalty to her (maybe she went through the same thing with her mom, and you know she has good in her) But trust me it is better for her and for you to be separated...it is simply wrong for the situation to continue as it is. She cannot continue being a tyrant without people who agree to remain under her control and if you stand up and say no, she will have to change and find another way to be in the world.
     
  6. Truthfully, the situation will not stop if you move out of state or out of the country. Granted, you could do either. But you should do it based on what YOU want. Not your mom.

    Advice? Change your phone number, move out (if you are living with her), and refuse to talk to her unless she is mature about it.


    Whatever she may give you is not worth you being treated like ****.
     
  7. Oh, sweetie. You need to get out of that situation ASAP. It's not about respecting your elders-not if someone is hitting you and hurting your pet. That's not normal behavior in any culture, and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
     
  8. I totally understand where you're coming from.... I also come from a very traditional Chinese background (even my parents' marriage was arranged in the late 70s!). Well, my parents are traditional, but I totally am not. I assimilated into American culture at quite a young age, and refused to be tied down by my parents rules and restrictions.

    I had to deal with what you are currently going through when I was in middle school/high school. I was never allowed to go to my (girl)friends' houses, or even hang out at the mall or go to a movie, unless it was with a person they knew well (like my cousins or a close family friend). I was never allowed to go to school dances (I did end up going to Sadie Hawkin's dance my senior year, but missed out on prom). My parents have scolded and smacked me if I talked back, or came home really late without calling ("late" means 10 pm)... even if I called, I'd get yelled at.

    However, I broke away and went to a University 300 miles away. My parents did not accept it at the time, but I told them that this was the only University that I wanted to go to and they can't force me to go to a school closer to home. If they did that, I would've quit. After I spent four years away from home, my relationship with my parents got better... they saw me as more of an independent adult. I think they just sorta gave up, because my older brother was also quite rebellious. My sister is the baby, so she was quite spoiled. I wasn't a bad kid, but there were times when I still did whatever I wanted, and didn't care what my parents said.

    So... I'm only 24 now, but my parents have not treated me like a child or like I'm an incompetent individual, since I moved out on my own. I had to prove to them that I can take care of myself and do a good job at it.

    While it sounds like you really fear that your mother will disown you, I don't believe that she will neglect you forever. She's your mother, and you are still her daughter. While there's a lot at stake (your relationship with your father and sister as well), I still say you should rebel and take full control of your life. If you allow her to do this, she will continue being controlling and abusive.

    It's hard, I know... but it doesn't sound like you have many options. Even if you got a better paying job, out of state... wouldn't your mom still call you? Scar you emotionally even more? I hope you have the courage to stand up to her. I also hope your father and your sister will do so as well. Can't they also see what she's doing is hurtful, and not helpful?

    I wish the best of luck to you. Please keep us posted. Just know that there's many PF'ers who are here for support. :smile:
     
  9. I'm really sorry you are going through this. I agree with what everyone is saying...because quite frankly, the only other option is to stay and let her continue to treat you this way. You definately need distance. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you can get the job you want and get out!
     
  10. Wow! I can't believe what you are saying...You are in your late 20's, why haven't you moved out? Is living rent free WORTH all of this? I can't even imagine. Asian or not, your mother is manipulative and ABUSIVE. It makes me angry writing this. I am 30, lost my mother to cancer when I was 21. I don't have anyone else. Why would a MOTHER treat her child this way???
    *takes DEEP BREATH*

    Sweetie, I could say much more but I think it will be better if I don't. BUT, I will say life is so short. Do what you need to do for yourself to get out from your mothers thumb so you can be happy. Get a roommate, 2 or 3 if you need to. You won't change your mother, but I'm sure your relationship will get better if you are not in her home. It's time for you to live your own life.
    I'm sorry, but shame on youe father for allowing this to continue. What, if you would have done better in school...give me a break. That's called love with conditions. That's not right! This really hits a nerve with me so I'm going to stop now before I hurt your feelings. I hope I haven't already. I know they are your family and it's hard when an outsider criticizes them.

    Sincerely,Best wishes to you...
     
  11. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Sounds like your mother has some serious issues, she physically and mentally abusing you. I agree with the others, move out. If moving out stretches your budget, move in with a friend or put an ad on craigslist for a roommate. Until you can move out you might want to get a p.o. box, they're cheap and it will stop her from controlling your finances. I wish you the best of luck!
     
  12. Other posters have written really good advice on your dilemma. As another person wrote, this is not normal in any culture. Do you realize that all the negative stuff she says to you is really about her insecurities and deficiencies, not yours? Read again all the reasons you give for not being able to change your situation and ask yourself, why can't I? Is the thought of staying in this toxic family dynamic better than the pain of getting yourself out? You may have to push yourself through a lot of pain to eventually come out on the other side where you can choose to surround yourself with positive, loving people, and not be treated so horribly.

    Take your dog and your dignity and do what you know is healthy for yourself. Maybe this is the first step to a fulfilling, independent life.

    You are in my prayers.
     
  13. Well, this is just horrible! Living in Hong Kong, I have come to understand a bit of the culture, and how Asian families work...but this is really over the top.
    I understand you still living at home, as I see that it is a very normal thing for families to live together here even into their thirties.....but I am going to agree with all of the other posters, and tell you to take a deep breath, gather your belongings, and get the hell out of there!
    Even if your mother does disown you...it is better to have no contact, than that type of contact. I am so...sorry that the person who is supposed to love you the most, no matter what...is treating you like Sh*%! It seems like your Dad and sister are just as scared of her as you are, and I am sure you are worried that if she has no contact, they won't either..but as long as you go about it in an adult manner, and quietly but firmly say your piece...and then find your own place, I am sure that in the end...it will all work out. Good luck....
     
  14. Oy, I'm sorry... that is a horrible situation to be in. Like everyone has said, not normal in any culture, and it is not healthy for you to allow this to go on. If you can't move out immediately can you have your financial statements sent elsewhere? A PO box? Have them held at the bank? I totally understand the whole not making enough to pay rent situation... which is where I am right now. I could do it, but I'd be roughing it... but it can be done. If it means not buying handbags or taking a vacation or whatever sacrifices it means, I can't imagine that not being worth it for your well being. I can't imagine how tough it is and how much you have going on right now, but I wish you the best of luck in sorting it out and I hope the situation gets better for you soon.
     
  15. I FEEL your PAIN! I'm from an Asian family too, and it's not like you can say 'Screw you and your old fashioned ways' because even in their own convoluted and hurtful way they are saying that they still care...I know, classic answer for an abused child but really, it's weird in this asian culture thing. I don't know what to tell you, so maybe I'll get back to you later but don't let them get you down. Expecations of our families are huge and somewhat unrealisitic with the cultural AND generation gap. While my parents were born here ( in the concentration camps during WWII) a lot of tradition stuck. Chinese even more so, granted, I do admire that they can adhere to tradition after so many generations...anyways...I digress.

    Well, at 37! yes that old, I am still struggling w/the same issues that you and 'siworae' are going through. You think it's tough now, wait until you actually get married AND have kids...what a pain in the ass. I love my family to death, don't know what I would do without them and wished several times that they would dissapear but somehow you get through it. You just really need to take a mental break from them as much as you can and regain a sense of 'yourself'. I really do know what your feeling, I am STILL hiding my LV/BB addiction from them, they would be yelling at me at how frivolous and stupid I am for spending money on such stupid things, but hey, it's my 'porn' and makes me happy. To really shake things up, I was the first one to NOT have a degree and marry out of my race, boy my grandma had a cow...

    Oh well, don't mean to steal the spotlight. You are not alone, I really understand how you feel. You feel like you can't do a damn thing right, just don't live your life through their eyes but through your own. If you had a daughter, would you be pleased with they way you are living your life? Would you have the same concerns? Probably, but you would definitely find a better way of saying it. Your mom sent the message, it was just a bit too harsh. Love shouldn't come with consequence. Your parents are who they are and you can't change them, you are who you are and you shouldn't have to change, finding a middle ground is tough but you will. There is hope in this situation, with family you always find it...email if you want,I understand your issues! Good luck!