*Question about children with an ex*

  1. I have posted many questions and replies on this particular "area" of relationships and family so forgive me if im starting to annoy you...lol. But I have another question I would like to ask.

    As many of you know, I am seperated and soon filing for divorce and my soon to be ex and I have worked out custody arrangements for the summer until our 3 year old starts pre school. I was speaking to my parents on our way back home from the Quiet Riot/Vince Neil concert we had just attended (sooo freakin cool by the way!) and my dad started getting really upset at my ex. (He hadnt really showed his emotions) and he told me something that was a little confusing for me. You see, my father grew up without a father (he left my grandmother when my dad was a baby and she had 6 other kids) to marry his mistress. My dad doesnt hate him, but definently has no respect for him at all. So my dad made the comment yesterday that alot of fathers end up not being around their children as much, if at all, after a divorce or seperation because they end up moving on and even starting new families. It's easy for them just to send the child support and occassionally see them. My father is so upset with my ex that he told me that if he starts b!tching about not wanting to see the kids on a particular week or as much not to care or call him out on that. To just be happy that I kept the kids and I'm raising them, not him. Now I dont know if my father said this because of his own personal experience, or even of his own way at getting back at my ex for cheating on me and protecting me, but is this usually true? Do father's tend to lose touch or visits with their kids to move on? All of my friends who had divorced parents seemed to always be with their moms and would see their father during the summer or holidays.

    I ask this because I think I have finally gotten to a place where I accepted everything and want what's best for my children. I know I cant stop them from seeing their dad just because I dont like him anymore. I have been noticing that he is slowly starting not to want them as long as before. The current arrangement is he gets them 1 night and 2 days and brings them home at night. Well lately he has been bringing them earlier and earlier beacuse he has "things to do" and by that I mean going out with his brother and possibly with the other woman. Does it seem like he will eventually bore of picking up the kids and not want to come and get them as often? What should I do if he stops trying anymore? Do I fight him on that or just be greateful that the kids are with me and are still being raised in a very loving environment?
     
  2. It depends on the guy and the girl. Obvs, if the guy is a loving father and the mother doesn't act vindictive, then I'm sure he'll be increasingly involved. However, if the mother tries to withhold the child as a punishment, then it will be harder for him to stay involved.
    I see Tristan everyday and I make a point to stay involved, so as long as you're open to it, it's really up to him. I'd encourage you to have him involved as much as possible, as long as he's being responsible and caring towards the child.
     
  3. I agree with Charles, it sounds like you are mature and not trying to turn the kids against him because you are angry with him (like many women do) Continue to update and involve him in whatever is going on with the kids. If he strays at least you know you did your part and his actions had nothing to do with you.
     
  4. I think there's some truth in that. In the beginning, my BF's son didn't live with us, but now he does due to certain circumstances. However, I know that, had I allowed it, he would have EASILY started a "new" family with me, because he wanted (and still wants) children, even though he'd just gotten a divorce. Had 1) he and I had a child and 2) his son continued to live with his ex-wife, I know that he would have still seen his son on a regular basis, so in this case he would have "started over" but kept a relationship with his first child even though he'd severed the relationship with said child's mother. I never understood how a man could have no relationship whatsoever with the child(ren) of one woman just because he has a child or children with a different woman, unless the mother of his older children is expressly forbidding him to have contact with the children, which does happen.
     
  5. i think if the ex wants to spend less and less time with the kids, that's very clear about how important they are to him. You just take good care of them and don't force him to spend more time with them. it won't do anyone any good. even if he agrees he might be moody or rude with the children.

    i think there is some truth to what your dad said, but it's relaly case by case and in the end depends on the guy and his priorities and maturity....

    you are an awesome mom and whatever time he doesn't spend with the kids, is another minute of love and care they will get from you. if they grow up to resent him etc, that's going to be between the kids and him. you've done your part and all you can as a mom =)
     
  6. U need to be the bigger person and try to involve him in your childs life.Ive been thru this with a total jerk of an EX.No matter what kind of jerk he was to me...I kept him up to date on EVERY school function,and ANYTHING that involved our daughter.If he is a loving dad...he will participate in your childs life.Just make sure to keep all animosity towards him AWAY from your kids seeing it.
    My daughter is now 17..and she can honestly say I never badmouthed her dad .....included him in everything all her life.......and I take pride in that.He was a NASTY individual to me...but I took the higher road.Because my kids happiness took precedent with me.Sometimes its hard to let go of the bitterness u feel from a divorce..which is normal and OK..SO LONG as u dont let your child see or feel any of it.
     
  7. This is so true.

    And yes, many dads move on with their own lives and that's how it is. Don't badmouth your husband to the kids, but let them see how you live life and let them know that whatever else happens YOU are there for them and YOU love them. I always felt bad the way my ex behaved and thought what would I say if my son asked if his dad didn't love him anymore. I was rather surprised when one day I was discussing some other stuff with him about love and responsibility and being there for the people you love (I wasn't even thinking of my ex at all - I was talking about my mom) and he said "well, maybe my father's parents didn't teach this to him!"
     
  8. I am a mommy and a step mom. My DH's son is 12, and lives with his mom, but DH is very, very involved with him. They talk on the phone all the time, do things together, and DH goes to all his school and sports functions, whether it's during "his" weekend or not. DH has always, always been very involved with his son and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't be able to respect or love a man who would just desert his own child, just because he didn't get along with the child's mother anymore.

    Our situation is a little unusual though... DH's ex-wife and I are best friends. We even go on vacations together.
     
  9. Wow! You are amazing for being best friends with the ex!! Maybe one day I will get there...

    everyone else- thanks for your advice! It has definently helped! Any more would still be appreciated too!! LOL..
     
  10. I agree with what everyone has said, it depends on the individual. my (on/off) bf keeps very close contact with both his kids, even though he is divorced/no longer with their mothers. I think it's very important not to talk s**t about the father or argue infront of your child, though. children can sense the animosity, and you don't want a kid that ends up feeling like he has to "side" with one parent. Another thing to consider is the jealousy a child might experience when the father starts a new family. I've seen it happen, how the child would measure everything the new kid got up against what he or she was given from the father and the amount of time spent together etc. It can make the child distance him/herself from the father, even in cases where the father tries to stay involved in the child's life. either way, situations like that are always tricky, and the only thing you can do is to keep the father up to date on everything concerning the child, never talk down about him so that the child can hear, and make it possible for him to stay involved if he choses to. good luck! :flowers:
     
  11. I also think it depends on the individual and some men do pull away while others are just as involved if not more because they are not there 24/7. My one friend went thru a nasty divorce and the bad mouthing is horrible, the kids do not need to see this immature behaviour from so called adults.... The dad wants to be involved but the mother is making it hard. Another friend had a low life husband who cheated and got another woman pregnant and just left all contact with the kids, nothing at all. He moved on. He even allowed her new husband to adopt his kids and has no contact with them. So that really tells you what type of person he is but her new husband is happy being a real dad to the kids and they adopted a baby too. Most of my friends who divorced were on the nasty side until someone grew up and decided to act like a adult. I think it is hard no matter what. You have very supportive parents who are there for you and the kids. You are there, you seem very smart and want to do the right thing so I think things will fall in to place for you and hopefully it will work out with the ex. If he is a jerk in acting like he does not want to be around the kids then they are better off without him until he grows up. The last thing kids need is stress and drama in their lives, they need to feel secure and loved and you offer them that.
    Hugs.
     
  12. Good advice given here.

    In my experience as a divorced single mom, all you can do is all you can do. Nobody can expect anything more than that. Make sure that you do everything you can to foster their relationship by giving them time together, keeping dad up to date on your child's schooling and activities, and being reasonable and businesslike whenever you deal with him. Lead by example and let your child know that you have a friendly/businesslike polite relationship with dad (not an emotionally upset/angry one, even if that may be what you're feeling inside!). Let your child know that it makes you happy when they get to spend time with dad, so they don't feel guilty.

    Keep the lines of communication between yourself and your child as OPEN as possible, so that he/she will tell you about anything that happens when he/she is not with you.

    If dad drifts away, that is his cross to bear--not yours. You just keep on keepin' on. As long as your child knows that you are stable and there for him/her ALWAYS, he/she will be just fine.
     
  13. thanks, but I'm no saint... I met my DH quite a few years after he and his first wife divorced, so I wasn't the cause or anything. At the time, they didn't get along and DSS was having behavioral problems at school, poor grades, etc. DH and I had dinner with his Ex and her new husband one night to discuss the problem, and at one point, her husband said, "we all need to just put up, shut up and grow up."

    He was right. We all started making a concerted effort to get along.... and suddenly DSS's behavioral problems went away, and his grades got better. The nicer we were to each other, the sooner we all realized that we did genuinely like each other. My DH and his Ex remembered that they actually liked on another one time, and they decided that they were much better friends than spouces.

    the four of us get along very, very well now. The ex is one of my best friends and we do a lot of things all together... of course, for DSS, this is great that we get along, but bad when he screws up... he's got four parents getting on his case!!!
     
  14. ^^so true! he cant go and run to the parent who "doesnt care" :smile:)
     
  15. As the others have said no matter how hard it is not to bad mouth the other parent by any of the family members. My friend called who's in quasi-separation with her husband. Her husband bad mouths her in FRONT of their son. This past weekend, their son(6yrs old) hit her in the back. When she asked why, he said, "It's a message from Daddy." :wtf::wtf: Needless, to say the quasi separation may turn into a permanent one.