Past Relationships.

Dani

Dani

Member
Feb 3, 2006
884
8
#1
I'm twenty, and a relationship that was a very large part of my life recently ended ( around a month ago). My ex ( who is 25)stated he needed time to concentrate on his new job and his life- that having a girlfriend was getting to be too restrictive and too stressful. We dated long distance for over a year and a half. He was my first super serious boyfriend, and I honestly cared about him quite a bit. I'm really picky when it comes to boys, so the fact that I dated him for so long proved how serious I was. :smile: Basically, he was a huge turning point in my life, he helped me to overcome a lot of problems I was dealing with, and he seriously gave me the confidence and motivation to change my life around.

Since the break-up, I've realized how self-reliant I can be, and I'm seriously so pleased to find out that I don't need to depend on someone else for my happiness, and that I can do fine all on my own.

Still, I have a zillion lingering feelings for him- despite the fact that I'm allowing myself to be interested in other people. I still slip and call him "boyfriend" He still calls me all the time. He really wants to drive down and see my next weekend, and I'm at a loss for what to say. Part of the reason who broke up was bc we never saw each other. I haven't seen him in a couple of months, and I'm really nervous about allowing him to come!

While this post may seem to be just an excuse for me to spill my relationship drama on an anyonomous audience, there's more to it!

Since I'm only 20, and have limited perspective on this situation, I'm curious as to how everyone elses past relationships have affected their lives- and if you ever truly get over the first person you fall in love with. While naive, I seriously thought I would end up marrying this guy- and now I'm not sure if I want to see him next week!

So, is any still haunted by relationships that ended before you wanted them to? Also, any friendly advice would be appreciated. My friends all just think he's a huge jerk and should have nothing to do with him. :-P
 
#2
I'd have to agree with your friends. He does sound like a jerk. It also sounds like he never considered your feelings and may be missing you. My friend Robin was in a similar situtation. My advise to her, and you, is just do what you really feel is right.
 
#3
Hey Dani, I'm sorry to hear about your break-up but I'm glad you're handling it okay. We're all more independent than we think we are... and you can spill your relationship drama anytime!

I'm only 21 and I've had three "serious" relationships. Two that were one year long, one that was two years. I'm not remotely haunted by them, but I'm a special breed... I always do the breaking up and when it comes to guys I'm pretty cold. After it's done, it's done, I never bring up their name again.

We're so young, Dani! I don't think we'll meet "The One" for a while... If your friends think he's a jerk (assuming you have decent friends, which I'm sure you do), it might be for a reason. Sometimes we take our friends' opinions too lightly.

There is *no reason* you should see him if you don't want to, or if you're at all hesitant. I'm of the philosophy that you don't keep ex-boyfriends around. You probably have enough friends, you don't need him to clutter up your life. We all close chapters, and I've always found it best to do so irrevocably.

Don't feel too sad, you can always PM me if you want to ***** and moan!
 
#4
awww, Intlset!:heart: You're too sweet.

I wish I were more like you!

I really appreciate hearing about you being able to move on nicely from your old relationships, and it gives me some hope. :smile: and yes, my life is so busy right now, I don't need the extra clutter. Today is the first day I've had a chance to get some proper sleep and relax. :smile:
 
#5
I have a couple of haunting relationships, but in the end realized that its better to let it go. If there was a breakup it happened for a reason, and rehashing things with no promise of a favorable resolution isnt good.

I avoid coming in contact with my X bfs, at least the ones who I have a crap past with. I'd say if you arent too sure about seeing him again, dont do it. You are young and can TOTALLY find someone better!

btw, didnt realize the other part of my message didnt go through! I'm so sorry to hear about this girl! IM me when you can :biggrin:
 
#6
Sorry to hear that Dani, but I'm glad that you're doing okay. You seem so very strong and independent and I admire the fact that you realize that about yourself and know you don't need anyone else to make you feel happy. That is so much stronger than I would ever hope to be.

I've only had one other "serious" relationship other than the one I'm in now. It lasted about a year, it was definitely a milestone in my short life (I can honestly say it played a part into making me who I am today) and when we ended it, it was brutal. I dwelled and wanted to go back several times. Took me about 6 months to be able to think about it and have it not hurt (and it's not just because I have someone else now). Sometimes I just dont see why I lingered as long as I did.

Are you afraid to see him because you think you'll want him back? Or he'll try and get you back?
 
#7
I had two serious relationships before meeting my fiance. The second one of those was really serious. We dated for three years and it took me a LONG time to get over him. Even after I met my fiance I still had a hard time dealing with the feelings of the break up. We ended it because we had to, we were going in separate directions and we realised that we couldn't be together even though we loved each other so much. We were crying in each others arms when it ended, it was awful. It's one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. It was complete heart ache, losing sleep and feeling absolutely desperate.. I felt like everything was turned upside down.. It's still hard when I think back on it, and I think that one part of me will always feel something for him. It's completely normal. I know that I wouldn't have been able to be the person I am today with him, and I know that we made the right decision in breaking up. My fiance is proof of that, because with him I am able to blossom and grow and we have a completely different relationship. I would never want to marry anyone else, he truly is the one for me. That doesn't make me just forget my past and my ex though, that is still part of me because it made me who I am.

Time heals all wounds. I know it's clique, but it really is true. I know it's hard, if you feel like you want to talk feel free to PM me :smile: Surround yourself with friends, have fun and enjoy life. Spring is here, life is good ;)
 
#8
When I ended my marriage and left a bad situation 6 yrs ago, moved with my belongings and my two great danes over 2000 miles away to a city where i knew noone..I felt very liberated and strong..just as you described yourself feeling. However I would not have continued to feel this way if my ex could have and would have come to visit whenever convenient. If any advice I can give you, as a 34 yr.old, lol, is that once a relationship is over it should remain over period. My very first boyfriend did the back and forth just seeing each other as 'friends' once in awhile but it only painfully prolonged the inevitable. You are strong..you feel liberated in your singlehood and IMO if you let him back in now it will only strip that from you. I hope this helps you a little bit:love: Take care!
 
#9
Swedie said:
I had two serious relationships before meeting my fiance. The second one of those was really serious. We dated for three years and it took me a LONG time to get over him. Even after I met my fiance I still had a hard time dealing with the feelings of the break up. We ended it because we had to, we were going in separate directions and we realised that we couldn't be together even though we loved each other so much. We were crying in each others arms when it ended, it was awful. It's one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. It was complete heart ache, losing sleep and feeling absolutely desperate.. I felt like everything was turned upside down.. It's still hard when I think back on it, and I think that one part of me will always feel something for him. It's completely normal. I know that I wouldn't have been able to be the person I am today with him, and I know that we made the right decision in breaking up. My fiance is proof of that, because with him I am able to blossom and grow and we have a completely different relationship. I would never want to marry anyone else, he truly is the one for me. That doesn't make me just forget my past and my ex though, that is still part of me because it made me who I am.

Time heals all wounds. I know it's clique, but it really is true. I know it's hard, if you feel like you want to talk feel free to PM me :smile: Surround yourself with friends, have fun and enjoy life. Spring is here, life is good ;)
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So very well said..you seem so sweet too..I am happy that you have found true happiness:smile:
 
#10
:smile: you guys are seriously all just so sweet. :heart:

It really helps to hear your stories with similar situations, and helps to put things in better perspective.

:-P Noriko, I'm IMing you now. ;)
 
#12
that's a really tough situation to be in...i went through a horrible breakup about a year and a half ago. i was with the guy for a year and a half, he moved halfway across the country to be with me...and he got here and fell in love with my best friend and left me rather cruelly. i had been at college about a week, i was in a completely different town, i knew very few people, i was away from him and my best friend and my parents, and i had just dislocated my knee a few days before and thought that i was going to need major surgery.

he broke up with me over AIM after a year and a half together. he and my best friend lied to me for about 2 weeks about each other, and she pretended to be on my side and supportive, but then it just became too obvious. still, i wanted him back for quite a while. i couldn't help it, i loved him. the feeling of desperation was all-consuming. all i did was sit in my dorm and watch sex and the city dvds and cry. i haven't spoken to him since that day, and i don't wish to.

actually, i wish to hit him with my car, put it in reverse, and hit him again, but that's another issue entirely ;)

my point (and yes! i have one) is that breakups are terrible, but once it's done, it's done. if i had seen him while i was still wondering if i was supposed to be with him or still wanting to be with him, it would have set my post-breakup progress back lightyears. i think you realize this, too, which is why you have trepidation about seeing your ex. your life is together, you're proud of your resilience and strength, so why see the person that made you ever doubt it?

we're the same age, too, so if you need someone to talk about it with that's not involved in the situation (i usually don't talk to my close friends about my relationships because they're a little TOO close to give good, objective advice, ya know?), feel free to PM me or IM me (amandalovesemo is my sn). i hope everything goes well hun! i'm rooting for you!
 
#14
I had one previous relationship to my husband that took me quite a while-I am talking several years to get over. The guy promised me the world and then called me up and dumped me. I was head over heels for him.
This was also a long distance relationship. Looking back several years later, I realize what a jerk he was and if I had married him my life would have been miserable.
Sooner or later I think you will decide you have had enough this guy, I can almost feel it from what you wrote.
There's a book by I. Vanzant in self-help that helped me through a very rotten time in my life.
Now I am married and I have no feelings left for this man. When I first broke up with him, I was extremely angry and depressed. It took time. I am a strong believer in time healing these kinds of wounds.
I like how Jennifer Anniston put it-he's missing a sensitivity chip!
 
#15
IntlSet said:
OMG, Amanda, that is the most f*cked up thing ever. Give me this boys' name and I'll skin him and make a handbag for you. Grrrrrrr!
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lol honestly, i'd love nothing more than for something like that to become of him, but only if i could help!

but at least i always win the 'no, I had the worst breakup ever!' game amongst my friends.

i look back on it now and it was so bad that it was funny! i mean, who knew stuff like that really happened!
 
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