Ok..so when you don't find your SO attractive anymore**UPDATE**

  1. what does one do?? Seriously this has been plagging me for months and it's a complicated situation. Our entire relationship has been 'drama' from the get go (he was my doctor and we've been together for 3 1/2 yrs) and while he may not be traditionally "gorgeous" by societies standards, I did find him attractive to begin with but know I can barely stand him kissing me. He is a wonderful man who wants nothing more than my happiness and I don't care what others may think, I just wish I still found him attractive! I really dont know what to do and our relationship has been on the slide. I am shallow to how 'I' look I suppose but I do not apply that to others. I think there has been so much hurt in the relationship that I don't have it in me anymore. I wish I had some answers-I've been divorced and don't want another failed relationship, especially if it's 'just me'. He is being very patient but I can't expect him to be this supportive forever-it's not fair to him!! *Sigh* Sorry just needed to vent.
     
  2. Hi Mega, you poor thing. It sounds like there's much more going on than a lack of physical attraction. You aren't "mentally" attractive to him either, because so much has happened. I would bet that if you worked that out in your mind and heart, things would be different. If you want to stay with him, you have to find a way to forgive and forget the past.
     
  3. Seriously, I don't think it's going to work.... I think you're with him because he loves you, is successful, etc. so it's "easy" for you to stay in the relationship. But this isn't fair to him or to you. He deserves to be with someone who is attracted to him. You deserve to be with someone you are attracted to. There could be a lot more problems if you meet someone who you are attracted to while dating your current SO. You may be tempted to cheat.... I've been in a similar situation ... did not end well. It was not fair to either of us.
     
  4. I think that if you thought he was attractive at one point, that wouldn't just go away, unless there are underlying issues (which it sounds like there are). I think if you worked on the real issues, the attractive issue would resolve on its own.
     
  5. Wow...this is a tough situation to be in. I would recommend couples counseling but frankly, having been in your situation a couple of times, I think that if you're just not feeling it anymore it's best to end the relationship. You wouldn't want to be with someone who felt this way about you, would you? Don't look at it as a failure. It happens.
     
  6. Ive been there...this is close to home for me.As much as I want to say itll be OK........I honestly think its because u want to move on.I think u are looking for a change..if u can try to work things out........go for it.
    Sometimes we shut our minds off to someone like a lightswitch and its incredibly hard to switch it back to life..If u know what I mean.
    Feel free to PM me....I understand your frustration..Ive been divorced myself......its a difficult time to go thru when u r are unsure of what to do.
    Its like having a mental block against someone u honestly love but ARENT in LOVE WITH.
     
  7. If you can barely stand him kissing you, it's time to move on. Like others have said, it isn't fair to either of you if you stay. You should be happy in your love life, and if it's going downhill now with no improvement in sight, then I see no reason you should stay.
     
  8. I love my DH, and though I don't have the same lust for him as I had when I first met him seven years ago, I still look at him and think, "Wow, he's a cutie!" I still am attracted to him, in spite of the off days that we both have. When I was in my early twenties, I had a BF whom I was with for three years. I liked him well enough when we first met, but I was never fully attracted to him--I was with him because he was a nice guy and I needed the security of a nice guy then. By our third year together, I couldn't even stand the thought of kissing him. I knew then that I had to make a choice; nice as he was, we just weren't meant to be together. Perhaps you are in the same boat--he is successful, nice, and every mother's dream, but he just isn't your match. You can't make love happen when love isn't there to begin with.
     
  9. I had that problem with my ex. We were together maybe two years, which is a long time for me! I felt so guilty all the time about it, but I just wasn't attracted to him anymore. I would force myself to have sex with him. I finally broke up with him but I'd been feeling that way I think for over a year before I did.

    I think it really messed me up that I stayed with him for so long. Now when I see people making out or having sex on TV, just romantic scenes or whatever, I get really nauseated.

    I don't think it's just a physical looks thing. I think it goes deeper than that. I think there are a lot of things that add to you finding him less attractive, but they are all signs of a problem. Part of what helped me move on was my mom telling me that I shouldn't stay with him just to have someone or just because he was nice.
     
  10. First of all, it depends on how important this relationship is to you. If you want it to work but don't know how to, maybe you should look in to counseling. Ask yourself what it is that attracted you to him in the first place. Maybe go away and try to find that spark.You've invested 3 1/2 years in it already. Ask yourself if this relationship is worth saving. If you don't think it is, then you need let him go. I was with someone for a year and towards the end of our relationship, it got bad. It got to the point where I didn't want him to touch me. My skin would crawl. I stuck around because he was good to me. I decided it wasn't worth saving. So I had to let him go. Good luck with your decission. Life is to short to be unhappy.
     
  11. Thank you all so much for your replies!! Sound advice so eloquently put and you all have wonderfully insightful points. I thought I was kind of alone in this and now I don't feel quite that way so much anymore. I suggested counselling but he 'does' couples counselling for his patients as part of his work as a physician and said no..strange as he usually is quite agreeable to ideas. I tried individual therapy this past fall but that got very nasty as I divulged the fact that he was my physician when we got together. As you all know, physician/patient relationships are a huge no-no, especially since I did see him for psychotherapy. After my first therapy session, and after us talking about and agreeing that "that' part of my relationship had to kept confidential no matter what I divulged (in order to protect him), she ended up contacting her college and was going to report him to the Ontario Medical Association for breach of ethics and patient abuse! He would have lost his licence to practice and I had to all but threaten self-harm if she reported him and after a few frantic phone calls she dropped it and that was the end of therapy for me. Very messy. As far as me cheating goes that won't happen-I'm not attracted to anyone right now-period. Plus, I've had it done to me during my marriage so there's no way I'd ever impart that kind of hurt onto anyone else. Ironically, he did ask me that very question yesterday. I feel kind of like an amoeba now anyway-not interested in men/sex at all...my dog and horse get all of my affection these days:shame:. Sorry so long and thank you again ladies for your replies..means alot to me!
     
  12. ^^(((megadane))) Wow that's really tough. That is a huge violation on his part. I was in 2 relationships with guys that I wasn't physically attracted to, but I thought I was mentally attracted to them and they were very nice and good to me. Stuff happened and I realized that I wasn't emotionally or mentally attracted to them anymore, and I also got to the point that I didn't want to touch them much less kiss me. I think it's a psychological protection for myself, that these guys weren't right for me and therefore I found them repulsive. I had to let them go, and afterwards I felt much better like a burden had been lifted.

    I know it's really tough for you, and everything is easier said than done. But if he doesn't want to want to go to counseling, and you've tried to fix things, to no avail you should really try to move on. You'll be much happier in the long run.
     
  13. ITA, it's very difficult. But I have been in a similar situation, and it's hard, if not impossible for the mind to make the heart feel something it doesn't.
     
  14. I sometimes think with longer-term relationships the attraction comes and goes...there are times when the physical intimacy in a relationship wanes, and it's sometimes due to other reasons - job stress, relationship stress, kids, things which you don't immediately connect to the status of your relationship. I always feel much more in need of personal space when I am busy or involved with other activities related to work or kids.

    Actually I was reading this thread and thought 'am I still attracted to [SO]?' and looked at him working on his computer. I caught him picking his nose (ick) ....
     
  15. ahh I too really feel for you. The hard truth is that you cannot demand your heart to feel things that it can't :sad:

    I have been married for 13 years, and yes, romance slides slightly, but I look at him with our children and still so feel attracted to him, its not always about looks after time, its about feelings, and knowing somebody intimately. I guess, im trying to say, if he was right for you, you would find him attractive, even if he was the most unattractive person on the planet! because he meant everything to you :smile:

    Good luck. I kind of feel he knows this already, and that is why he is reluctant to try counselling, maybe he would rather have you regardless of how you feel, but we only get one life honey, and you have to be the happiest you can possibly be :yes: