Need Advice and Help

  1. Dear fabulous ladies of the Hermes forum ... I need help and advice. By that I mean I REALLY need the help and advice. As we all know, Hermes is expensive and not many people understand our obsessions. Some of the people who don't understand are often relatives, friends, family, SOs, and husbands. For those of you whose hubby used to be PHHs, HOW did they change their minds about Hermes? How did you convince them?

    I'm feeling majorly bummed out right now because I had a disagreement with my SO an hour ago over money. It started as a simple conversation about how unhappy I am with my salary and it somehow deteriorated into one's view on the value of money. He feels that I would be making sufficient income if I don't feel the need to buy Mercedez Benz and spend on other expensive stuff.

    I disagree with him in that I feel that buying MBZ is for safety's sake, I would rather pay for the safety than to risk it with a less reputable car (he seems to think that car made of aluminum is safe vs car made of steel). It's like whatever I spend on, for him it's a waste of money. Yet it's okay for him to spend money to buy coffee machine and speakers. It frustrates me to NO END!

    I mentioned Hermes in the past and although I never went into details about it, his view of Hermes is that anyone who is into namebrands (esp one so expensive) must be materialistic and superficial. He refused to believe that Hermes fans will use the bags forever because he felt that nobody uses one thing forever. I don't know, this is just really upsetting me a great deal.

    Some ppl say that I should just dump him because of this, but I feel silly to dump a guy over disagreement on purses ... However, I do feel very frustrated that he has such double standards when it comes to money. It's like he cannot even meet me half way. I'm sure I'm NOT the only person who has had this problem before as I know that not everyone is open to Hermes' price tags. HOW did you ladies manage to convince your other half of it?

    And last but not least, I HATE the fact that I have to consult with another person on HOW to spend my own money ... This whole thing about being married = joint income and having to get the man's permission on spending just does NOT sit well with me ... Ugh ... Sorry for the rant, I'm just feeling immensely upset right now:push:
  2. You two have bigger issues than handbags. If you are serious about marriage, I would strongly advise premarital counselling. I have read about your feelings re all this before, and I hate to say this are a young woman of intelligence I think you really know this may not be working. Sometimes it is very painful to think about these things, but I think you should look at the big picture and think about whether it is time to move on.:sad: Kou, I have been married a very long time and I have seen friends go in and out of marriage. Don't be one of those couples for whom this is a "starter" marriage. Much better to wait to find a person who compliments you instead of upsets you.:flowers:

    Kelly, Birkin, Jige!!!Back to bags for the Mods!
  3. Kou,

    Sorry to hear this, honey...all I can say is - if you're diasagreeing about these things now, you will STILL be disagreeing about them once you're doesn't change.

    K. :smile:
  4. im sorry to hear about this.

    you definitely need to talk to him before marriage or there will be major problems in the long run.

    you should be able to do whatever you want with the money you earn. my hubby and i agreed that in order for me to buy the things i want i have to work verses choosing to be a housewife.

    its funny because my hubby acts like hes against my spending but then he realizes that it makes me happy and im smart about buying things that will appreciate in the long run so he supports it.

    hope it all works out=)
  5. ^ she does have a point, kou. granted, a relationship should not end over a disagreement over purses but honestly, where do you see this going? do you even want to get married and are you happy just being his girlfriend for x amount of years?

    and if so, are you ok w/ him controlling your finances and basically disagreeing w/ any financial decision that you might have?:confused1:

    marriage is all about compromise. kou i hate to tell you this but i heard that the top reasons for divorce are usually $$$, in-laws or sex (or lack there of).

    as for PHHs, i wouldn't exactly say that my DH qualifies as one of them but i did introduce him to this world of luxury:p . yea, we may not see eye to eye on the importance of some name brands but we learn to accept each other's differences (e.g. him: vintage moto guzzi, guitars, etc) and move on.

    as far as the $$$ bit is concerned, no convincing was necessary. my DH knows me. i have my priorities in order and that's all that matters.

    last but not least, you don't have to consult your DH about your purchases. who told you that? i sure as heck don't! i just do it and that's that. yea, i do a little "fashion show" afterwards:shame: but you know, it's all good in the end.

    you don't need a man's permission to spend $$$. that's just utter nonsense.

    feel better.
  6. this is true...:yes:

  7. Kou? I'm not sure I can say it any better than GraceKelly already has.....please think long and hard about a commitment with a man who does not understand who you truly are.....:flowers:
  8. Kou - I feel for you.

    1. My mom always told me that before you get married, if you don't like something about your SO, it will be 10X's worse after you get married.

    2. As was said above, $$$ is the top argument for marriages. Marriage is a job itself. You want to come home to someone that talks to you and you feel the LOVE.

    3. I know you said that he was your mirror image or that he understands you or is your best friend, but this not accepting you the way you are "NEEDS to be worked on". Seeing or going to couples counseling I hear is very helpful and works.

    Good Luck, Kou and Take Care. This is alot to think about. I hope you get all you want with this SO. I find that writing and seeing words on paper really help (PROs, and CONs), then sleeping on it (literally on the paper)...did this before big exams....almost like OSMOSIS :s

    GREAT BIG HUG COMING YOUR way!!:heart:
  9. OMG ... you ladies are so awesome!!! Words cannot even describe how grateful I am for all of your advice.

    GraceKelly, you're right. We definitely have more issues aside from Hermes bags and namebrands in general. In this case it definitely has more to do with differences in values and the way we handle things.

    ShopMom, SO and I are going to have that "talk" pretty soon ... However, he and I are not officially engaged so I think this gives me plenty of time to work this out

    HL, you're right. I shouldn't need a guy's permission on how to spend my money. I don't know why I even have that thought. Probably because my SO is so intent on how we are to have a joint account. If I move to Singapore, I will have to have my income deposited into his account because according to him, it's extremely difficult for a non-PR to open up an account under his/her name so I'll have to "borrow" his account ...

    nycbagaddict, I definitely plan on talking with him in depth about this before I reach a commmitment with him. I don't plan on being a stay at home wife for the very same reason you have. I want to make my own money so I can justify my purchases. The problem is he seems to think that once married, all income is joint income and that both sides must agree on all purchases. It seems ok for him to justify coffee maker purchases but not okay for me to buy bags. it's okay for me to buy shoes that HE likes though. It's the double-standards and his being controlling on how I should live my life that really rubbed me the wrong way

    Grands Fonds, you're right about how things won't change. This is precisely why I'm so concerned right now ...

    NHL, thank you so much for your kind words. I've been doing the avoidance tactics where whenever we disagree about something, I just drop it and change the topic. Apparently that is not the way to do things. It's true that he doesn't accept me for who I am whereas I have learned to "deal with" how he is. I am not sure how he can be accepting and more open-minded. He seems to like to pick and choose what he sees fit. Wah, I have lots to think about

    Once again, thank you ladies for your thoughts, wisdom, and support. You ARE the best!:yahoo:
  10. Kou, I'm not sure about the part where your SO said it's hard for non-PR to open up a bank account in Singapore banks. I am an Indonesian citizen and I am not a PR in Singapore. I can open up a bank account in 15 mins, and I did at one of the local banks.

    Please enlight..
  11. He said that his sister (whom he is working for at the moment) told him that for a non-PR to open up an account, they have to have some paperwork or something from the company that they work for AND the account will have to be sponsored by the company?:shrugs:

    Personally I'm NOT looking forward to any possibility of having my money direct deposited into his account, NOT because I think he'll use my money, but because I don't want him to know how much I'm making or know when and how much I withdraw from the account (even if it's my own money).
  12. Kou, I didn't see this thread until now. I don't have much to add to the already excellent advice that the other ladies have given you, other than the fact that I have a very good friend who constantly fights with her husband over money. To the point where she can't even buy a toy for her child without consulting him first or hiding it away because he is very frugal. It's ironic because he drives a Porsche but gives her a hard time about her purchases--he has similar viewpoints as your SO. It is definitely something that is important to be squared away because it's not something you'll be able to change about him, and I know that it frustrates my friend to no end. One thing that DH and I agreed on was a set annual budget for me--I personally requested this because I can be a little "free" in my spending if you know what I mean :graucho: so I needed the boundaries. This budget is mine to do with as I please, and everybody wins because it's mutually agreed upon.
  13. Well Kou, based on my personal experience I am telling you that this is not the case. All you need is your passport as a primary id and a proof of address (cc bills, etc) to open up a bank account. May I ask what nationality are you? Coz perhaps (just perhaps), the rules are different b/w countries. See, Indo and S'pore are both ASEAN countries and we are close neighbors, and so just maybe the rules are a bit easier for us Indos. Btw, if you are seriously wanting to look into this furhter I would be more than happy to check with my bank regarding the rules.

    ETA: is your SO a S'porean? If so, he should know better at this.
  14. I'm Asian but an American citizen. My SO is not Singaporean. Actually, he's not even PR. He's there on a work visa. I'm a bit hesitant about moving to Singapore. I can't move there unless I can somehow procure a job that pays at least as much as my current pays. My SO keeps maintaining that because I'm American, I will have no problems finding jobs there, somehow I'm not very convinced that it'll be that easy ...

    The other thing is that it's SO HARD to find an H bag in Singapore ... In my case, since I want ostrich, the chances are going to be very slim.
  15. :yes: The ladies have already said it so well. Think about it long and hard Kou. If it's like this before you get married it will only get worse after. I've been with my DH for 17 years and the stuff we fought over in the beginning is still the same stuff we fight over now (luckily not that often but you always seem to go back to the same things that bug you about each other!) So if you can't imagine a lifetime of living with someone with his values/attitude I would think twice. I like the pros and cons grandma always said you have to pick what you can live with and what you can't. :flowers: