My friend broke into her stepdaughter's myspace page

  1. I am a stepmom of two girls and belong to a stepmom group here in my area. I've become friendly with a lot of the women and one of my closer friends from this group called me today.

    She has a 16 y.o. stepdaughter and apparently this girl has a myspace account. This friend of mine works as a programmer in the IT industry and apparently was given some type of hacker code that exploits a security hole in myspace so that private pages and comments can be read.

    She used this code to read her stepdaughter's private pages and apparently the stepdaughter wrote some nasty stuff about her there. She is really upset because she had always felt they had a good relationship and got along well, and this has shown her the girl's true feelings. :sad:

    I am not sure what to tell this person. On the one hand, I guess if her stepdaughter feels that way about her, she should know the truth. On the other hand, kids that age can be mean and say things like this without thinking about it. There is also the issue of privacy and the fact that she broke into the myspace page the way she did. She called me very upset and has not told her husband yet about what she did. She asked for MY advice and I have no idea what to tell her because I am not sure what I'd do if it were me, either.... I personally think ignorance is bliss and would probably have not attempted to get that information from the myspace page, but apparently she felt the need to do that, so who knows.

    I told her that she just needs to quietly detach from the stepdaughter for a while and not go out of her way to do anything extra so she does not feel hurt. I also told her that she probably should not tell her husband. Apparently she is depressed about this and not hiding it real well and he's noticed and wants to know what's wrong.

    What would YOU do?
  2. I am also a stepmom - to 3 girls (teens and pre-teen). I know from experience that girls this age tend to be very moody and can often say mean things, especially amongst their friends, even when things seem to be great on the surface.

    First of all, I think it was a bad idea for her to hack into her SD's myspace account. However, now it's done. I think you gave her good advice by recommending that she disengage for a while. Also, she should try to remind herself that this is a tough age for girls, and she (the SM) should TRY not to take it too personally. I know the things were said about her, but they are more likely about the girl and the things she's dealing with than anything else.

    I actually think that she should tell her husband. I don't think they should tell the daughter, or anyone else, but I think her DH should know.

    My two cents.
  3. Thanks for the note bagluver. I actually suggested at first that she tell her husband, but she said no, that he'd turn the situation around and blame her for violating the stepdaughter's privacy (which is typical). So I told her that it would probably be better to let it go.
  4. I think what she did was an incredible invasion of privacy. We all talk smack about our families at one time or another. I love my mother to death, but that doesn't mean once in a blue moon I don't write that she's driving me crazy in my journal. Do I ever want her reading that? No, it's just my way of venting without hurting her feelings.

    She's not saying this stuff publicly, and if she's not saying stuff that indicates she wishes to harm her stepmom like she wants her dead or something, I honestly thing she needs to let it go. I mean, with your friend breaking into the girl's personal documents, perhaps some of her feelings are justified, you know? How would she feel if the stepdaughter read all of her emails to you?

    I think the husband and stepdaughter would have ever right to be annoyed with your friend is this instance. What she did was incredibly invasive.
  5. I hear you jillybean... I have two stepdaughters and god forbid I am sure at times they've written/said things about me too. Apparently one of the things the stepdaughter wrote on the myspace page that she feels she cannot call her Dad or talk to him due to the stepmom. I guess this really hurt her because she has tried very hard to encourage communication and the stepdaughter is with them a lot. I know also for a fact that she lets the stepdaughter and her hubby have a lot of time together. I know this because we will often go places when both our stepkids are with us so they have time alone with their Dads.

    I feel really bad for this friend, but I also think she is not happy in the marriage (for other reasons) and that may be why she felt compelled to carry out this intrusion.

    If it were me, I'd be tempted to send out a blanket/splash email to all my friends/family (including the stepdaughter) giving them a vague "head's up" that this security exploit exists in myspace pages with a warning that there is no such thing as "privacy" on the internet...
  6. I think she should tell her husband.

    i have a teenage daughter and she can be the most loving girl one moment and hateful the next. You must realize and remember... that at that age, life is percieved to revolve around you.

    Everyone these days is hung up on privacy. my mom was always cleaning and going through my room for one reason...To see what I was into and today i can truely say that I am glad she cared enough to do it because of what could have happened if she did not.

    If its in your house. I think its your business. I may catch heck for saying that but, love will mend itself.
  7. I think she has to realize that it may have been written in the heat of the moment. Maybe something happened like a disagreement or a fight and the daughter wrote it to a friend just to blow off some steam. I can definitely see why your friend's feelings would be hurt, but I think she should realize that 16 year olds say things one minute and do a complete 180 the next. If I was held accountable for everything I said at 16, I'd have a lot less friends and none of my family would be speaking to me.

    I agree 100% with the privacy on the internet thing. I'm shocked at what people write on my their myspaces & facebook accounts. Lots of employers and schools look at those things. I have a myspace, but I don't write anything on there I wouldn't want my friends, family or future employers to see.

    If she wants to talk to her stepdaughter about the not being able to talk to her father stuff, maybe she could arrange a mother/daughter day. Take her shopping or out for lunch and bring up something like, "I feel like there's some distance between us lately. I just wanted to spend some time with you so we can chat." without bringing up the hacking. I feel if she tells the stepdaughter that, the girl will never ever trust her again.
  8. First she has used her work information on a personal level and that is wrong. Second she has invaded the stepdaughters personal space. This isnt her place!!
    I wouldnt do this to my daughter never mind a step child.

    As for bad things being said about her its not wonder why.

  9. I totally agree. These can happen to any daughter (teenager) and mother, not just stepdaugther & stepmother; my niece tells me things about her mother (my SIL) -- usually after a disagreement.

    Roo, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself either.
  10. This is a good example of why none should ever wish for the power to read minds. I don't know how the relationship between the daughter and her father is but I would think that there is a reason that she complained about it - maybe her father isn't around as much as she'd like, maybe she's still upset that her parents aren't together, and so she's taking it out on your friend. Maybe your friend should try to look at the situation objectively as much as possible and write down how much time those two have spent together in the past couple of months alone. I think if he isn't seeing the daughter at least 2-3x a week she may well feel that he isn't really around so much. Maybe a dinner during the week would be helpful if he only sees her on weekends? Also, I don't think your friend should let anyone know - people have the right to vent to their friends, privately. If I was the stepdaughter and ever found out I think that would make me really, really angry. Its like breaking open a locked diary or listening in on a conversation.
  11. Good suggestion. =)
    I agree with everyone that what your friend did to her stepdaughter (or to anyone) was totally wrong (it's like someone reading another person's diary). If she confronts her stepdaughter, the girl would never trust her.
  12. Thanks for all the posts. I am not comfortable with what she did either, so I echo the sentiments posted by others.

    From a more personal standpoint, as a rule, I do not get involved in trying to "manage" the time my husband spends with his kids. I think that often times kids blame the stepmother for the lack of contact when it's really the father who has dropped the ball. From what I understand of my friend's situation, the stepdaughter spends a lot of time alone with her Dad, so I'm not sure that's the issue. But... I don't live with them so I am not sure. I do know in my own situation, the responsibility for establishing a 'fatherly' relationship with the kids is my husband's, not mine.
  13. hi everyone, i myself am a highschooler also with a myspace page. i think it is a HUGE violation of privacy. parents and their kids will argue, and the kids will get mad. as others said, it's like reading someone else's diary.

    however, a few people i know post pictures of them drinking and smoking underage--dumb much? anyhow, if the parents were to find out, i believe they should confront their children. but little things like this such as a mean comment about others is common.

    just my POV from a highschooler
  14. Sometimes I think it's best to NOT know what people really think of you. ;)

    If this were a friend who had said nasty things about her, then she could put that person out of her mind and her life. But since it is someone she is related to, she will have to work past it. Maybe the account at least gave her a clue as to what her step-daughter's chief complaints were, so she can try to modify her behavior a bit anyway.
  15. Well, to be truthful, what they write does not mean that they are feeling that same way right now. They may have felt that way in the beginning.

    I think a thing that you should explain is that in web blogs, such as those, people tend to vent more than actually write about the cool things or the things they are happy about.

    I think I would tell your friend that perhaps that is what she felt before and is in no way indicative of how she feels right now towards her.