Moving in with boyfriend?... opinions wanted

  1. I'm just curious what you ladies think. There are a lot of pros and cons but I think my decision will ultimately be not to move in with BF, unless I read some persuasive arguments here. I'd just love to know what you guys have to say on the topic.

    BF and I haven't been together very long but have known each other since highschool. He's buying a condo and wants me to move in with him when my lease is up. We already spend every single night together, and have been for months! Practically everything he owns is already at my place. The pro is that I'd pay much less rent than I do now for a much better living space (my cat would have more room to play, this is no small consideration!).

    My mom always said that "once a guy gets the milk, he doesn't want to buy the cow." I AM looking to get hitched in a couple years (is this un-politically-correct to admit?). Honestly, everything in my experience has contradicted my mom's maxim: I've known a lot of young women who have moved in with boyfriends and have gotten married shortly thereafter. But one other obvious con: an even messier breakup.

    Did you move in with your SO before getting married or engaged?
     
  2. My Mom actually encouraged me to move in with my bf. She said if she had lived with my father for a few months prior to their marriage she never would have married him. She would have seen all of the awful habits he had, especially when it came to paying his bills on time, and stuff like that. By the time they were married, and she saw what he was really like, she was stuck.

    I lived with my bf for nearly 4 years, we're living in different states now b/c he's doing a rotation in North Carolina, and I miss it. It was nice to have someone around to talk to, and to cook dinner with. I can't wait for the rotation to be over with!

    I'd talk to your boyfriend about it. If you're serious enough to the point that he wants you to move in, I think you can bring up the topic of marriage. Tell him your concerns, and ask how he feels about it. If you're not ready now, maybe you could always sign a shorter lease at your place (like a 6 month lease) and see how you feel then.

    Good luck on whatever you decide.
     
  3. I might not be an expert on this subject considering the event that just happened in my life recently..

    But the way i see it, if u move in with your bf before u get married, it will give the two of you some time to adjust to living with each other. Spending the night together every night would still be different from completely living together.. If you guys are really comfortable living with each other, guess that'd be a really good sign to bring the relationship to the next level..

    But again, back in college days, i have seen the strongest friendship being torn up when a few of my friends decided to live in university dorm together..it's a shame really.. if they didn't stay together in college, they might still be the best of friends, they don't even speak to each other anymore these days..

    Again, im not an expert on this subject..this is just my personal opinion.
     
  4. Yes, we lived together for 3 years before we got engaged/married. The way I looked at it then, we were making a big decision together that would affect our lives in a positive way and help us start to build a new part of our relationship (sharing bills, groceries, housework, etc.).

    I don't buy any of that cow/milk nonsense. If you are with the right guy, living together will not negatively affect his future decisions or your future ideals. True, you may find out that you weren't meant to be together... but finding out after living together is much less complicated than finding out after marriage! :smile:
     
  5. Well, the old adage about getting the milk for free...it's your milk, so you're kind of in control of who and when they get it. Know what I mean? ;)

    Also, putting a time frame on getting hitched isn't such a great idea. Just kinda go with the flow if you two are in the right place in life and want the same things, it will happen.

    Moving in...If you love the man, and you don't see any major reason not to, then go for it. It's nice to think of it logically, but to me, moving in with someone should be about your feelings for them, and not how much money you'd save (although that's a nice aspect). If you both love each other, and want to move the relationship forward, to me, that's the next step.
     
  6. Moving out is a lot cheaper than divorce. Most of the couples I know lived together before they got married.
     
  7. Definately move in together first! That is the only real way to know how you will get along in marriage. My grandma even thinks its the best thing to do (and she is 85!).
     
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  9. Don't move in with him.

    Right after college, I moved in with my boyfriend. Big mistake. My level of commitment zoomed and his stayed the same. I wanted to move the relationship forward, he treated me more and more like a roommate. I left brokenhearted.

    I have seen this same thing happen over and over again to my girlfriends.

    Since then, I have vowed to never live with someone before marriage. Total emotional and intellectual commitment has to be in place first.

    I also would not move into a home that someone else owned. If I move in, my name should be on the Deed.

    I don't like it that you would be paying "rent" and thereby increasing the equity in the condo but not having part ownership of it. That makes him your landlord! You moving into HIS condo is a big imbalance of power. You need to be on a level field with your partner.

    Stay in your own apt. Let things develop in their own time.
     
  10. My bf and I were together for 5 years before we moved in with eachother in college...we lived together for two years and are planning to get married next year :heart: :heart: :tender: There is nothing like the comfort of having your best friend around! If you feel 100% ready to have your SO around you EVERY. SINGLE. FREE. MINUTE. you have after work, then go for it!

    However, keep in consideration that a few months of dating may not be a strong enough foundation to move in together...In relative terms, the relationship is still VERY new, and you still have a lot of "getting to know" time. Living together = sharing bills, private space, bathroom, etc...It is a lot to take on!!

    About your mom's comment, I can definitely relate (which is why I never told my mother we lived together :rolleyes:) I think living together can only make your relationship stronger. If you want to eventually MARRY this guy, wouldn't it be nice to know how he is 24/7? Personally, I like to try on my clothes before I buy (ESPECIALLY when there's no return policy!!!) ;)
     
  11. This is an excellent observation.
     
  12. I couldn't agree more!
     
  13. Short answer: No way.

    Long answer: If not subject to financial constraints then no way. My husband wrote his doctorate in psychology (though it is probably nonsense, LOL) on couples cohabiting before marriage: he said that the empirical results suggest that the couples doing so is twice more likely to divorce and those that are still in marriage together are less satisfied with marriage; complaining of more arguing and lower level of commitment.

    It's called inertia hypothesis which means that you slip into the state of marriage without ever making an explicit vow to commit. I don't really understand it so I have to ask him this evening or read his stuff but one of the common precondition of this inertia hypothesis is one partner's lease is up and so they think why not move in anyhow [casually] without making it explicit as in a marriage.

    Most importantly: female half of the couple may think both are moving into a marriage but the male half may only see it as saving rent for either of them, enjoying each other's company and taking a relaxed view of the whole moving in thing. Without him making an explicit statement of commitment, you might come out with zero in the end!

    As for me, I lived separately before I got married. Why? Mum insisted on it.
     
  14. My extended family is old school=no living together before marriage. My parents lived by this and it worked for them, they've been married for almost 32 years. They kind of still have these feelings, but they respect my judgement and my way of looking at it.

    Me and my fiance' dated for six months before we moved in together, sure this might have been quick, but we both wanted it and I needed out of my dorm my senior year of college.

    We got engaged a month before our 1 year ann.

    We're still engaged and still living together and we just past the 2 1/2 years together mark. When we get married this Oct. we will have been together for more than 3 years.

    Back to my parents respecting my wishes...I told them that I needed to live with someone before I got married, to make sure that things would work. Sure some of the little things will change when we get married, but for the most part we'll be just like we are now. We know that we work well together. I explained all this to my parents. And they understand and have come to accept and love us living together. I told them that with as many people that get divorced today (I know this sounds pesimistic, but it's reality) I wanted to know before things became official.

    I have a friend that is from a very religious family and forbid her and her husband from living together before hand. And she had to some MAJOR coping once they were married. They weren't used to one another, the first time the stayed together at night, unsupervised, was on their honeymoon. Talk about shock.

    If you and your boyfriend feel its a step in a positive direction I say go for it.
     
  15. Although I can see your level of committment, I also say no, do not move in with him. Mostly due to the fact that you are contributing toward paying his mortgage and you are getting nothing out of doing so.

    Since you're looking to get married within a couple of years, I'd tell him that you'll move in with him if that's where he thinks the relationship is headed. That's the conversation I had, and I didn't move in with my now-husband until we had been engaged for a few months. We've been married now for almost 3 years.

    Good luck!