Miscarriage Advice

  1. First of all, I don't want sympathy. I've gotten enough of it from the Dr. and my husband. I'm dealing pretty well right now, but haven't told the rest of my family and friends. They were all so excited (perhaps even more so than me). This was going to be the first grandchild in the family and everyone was freaking out and starting to plan showers and things. I don't want "I'm so sorry's" from them, I really don't. I just want everything to go back to normal.

    Does anyone else have experience with miscarriage? My doctor said I have a choice to make between the D and C or letting things happen 'naturally'. How did you tell your family and friends when they were all so excited?

    TIA.
     
  2. people i know who have dealt with this have told one to three people in the family/group of friends (a sister or mom or best friend) and let those people tell everyone else.

    best of luck with your hard situation.
     
  3. Thanks! Sounds like a good plan. I have a huge Italian family, so if I tell the martriarch, it should take care of all the aunts, uncles and cousins.
     
  4. EXACTLY how you said it.

    I had a friend lose twins and thats exactly what she did. People say "I'm sorry" anyways (it's half instinct kicking in when we don't know what to say) but after that, you can just thank them and say very flatly "I'd rather not talk about it or dwell right now" and then move on with the conversation.

    That said, you are obviously a strong woman. That will come through when you speak. Hugz.
     
  5. OK..I lost twins a while back.It was awful(lost one at 6 MONTHS along)...
    I pretty much went into a funk.Didnt talk to anyone at all..I let everyone else tell everyone......didnt want to talk about it..Let alone relive the pain.
    I think it took me about a month to get back to feeling human again.youll get there.I pretty much just ignored everyone....and dealt with it internally.Guess we all handle things differently.Im pretty sure your friends and family will spread the bad news and you wont have to deal with it.Just stress to them that you DONT want anyone to talk about it in front of you.(no sympathy cards..etc...I felt better handling it that way)
     
  6. I agree totally with Jill and Angelfish. Everyone is different so take it a day at a time. I’ve had one and it’s not uncommon (about 25% of pregnancies end up in the loss of the child) – especially 1st pregnancies. I did want to talk about mine and found that it was only when I told someone - they said "Oh I've had one as well" and I hadn't known before. I guess so many women wait until the 3 month date (or even longer with some people) that if they lose before that you never know.

    Please don’t be offended at anything I’m going to say as I’m trying to write as best as I can as I can’t speak to you face to face.

    Try to take it easy a bit and not be too hard on yourself. Sometimes how we feel straight after an event is not how we’re going to feel 6 months or a year down the line. I tried to bury my feelings after mine because everyone I knew was fairly unsympathetic as they’d never had one (except a few work colleagues who'd had one and i hadn't known)- even though I wanted to talk. I couldn’t talk about anything I felt and it came back to haunt me in terms of me feeling very low about a year after it happened. As far as the miscarriage is concerned I just told people matter of factly. Perhaps your family would want to help in some way – if help is offered then try not to push it away.

    Unfortunately some people think that losing a child before birth isn’t sad or important. But you wouldn’t shrug off losing a job or losing your home so why would anyone shrug off losing a potential baby ? Also be prepared for things that may bring back memories (if you're prepared then it’s a battle half won). Even now after having a child I still cringe when I see people flashing round their scans, or giving constant updates on their pregnancies – as they don’t seem to think if someone has had a loss or whatever. As I said try to take it easy – perhaps do something you enjoy or pamper yourself. I know in the UK there is a miscarriage association – there must be quite a few in the States – who give good advice.

    Take care and wishing you all the best.
     
  7. Hi, I know you don't want sympathy but I've been in your shoes and my heart breaks for you.

    With my m/c's One was ectopic, one I went through one "naturally" and the other I chose to have a d&c (blighted ovum) because I was emotionally unable to stand carrying the "non-pregnancy" any longer. IMHO, I feel the d/c was easier because I didn't have to wait it out anymore. Both are painful- cramping, bleeding but it was less time and cramping with the d&C vs. natural miscarriage. My OB-GYN was also very patient, gentle and matter-of-fact.

    I also asked my dh and mother to spread the word to the few people I had told.
     
  8. Same as with Japster, I chose to have a D&C.

    Ask your husband and mom or sisters, if you have any to spread the news.
     
  9. Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I have already started on DH's side (we live three minutes from them), but can't quite bring myself to call my parents yet. MIL brought over dinner for us, so that was a relief. DH and I have decided to go ahead with the D&C. The doctor said this was a missed miscarriage (blighted ovum).
     
  10. ^HUGS......Pm me if u ever need to chat....D and C is the best way to go IMHO.
     
  11. I opted for a D&C... actually my doctor didn't give me a choice... and in I went. I was 4 months along and felt back to normal, physically, right away. I remember taking my son to nursery school and running errands within a day.
     
  12. Sanguar,

    I really do feel for you as I suffered a miscarraige at the beginning of Jan and know exactly what you are going through. My baby was also a first pregnancy and that in itself made things difficult. I chose to tell my parents and let them spread the news through the family and it really did make things easier for me. I had a semi- natural miscarraige i.e. helped along by a drug called Misoprostol that dilates the cervix but it was relatively painful, however they only offer a D&C as a last option here in the UK if these drugs do not work so I really had no choice - maybe a D&C would be better as it does get things over with quicker. I think it helps in recovery as it took me two weeks to feel anywhere near normal.

    It is difficult to know how you will feel/recover afterwards. You still have pregnancy hormones for a few weeks after which makes you more emotional in itself, I still have my down days though generally feel much stronger now. I never minded people saying they were sorry - I felt it acknowledged that there had been a baby if you see what I mean. Everyone is different in their reaction.

    My thoughts are with you - it is a difficult difficult time.
     
  13. I know you don't want sympathy but I can't help but to send my condolences. I've been there, too but fortunately for me, I was unaware that I was even pregnant at the time. I just opted to let things happen naturally in the case of the medical aspects.
     
  14. My miscarriages occurred early in pregnancy so dh and parents were the only ones who knew so communicating the news wasn't a big issue. I'm assuming yours is "incomplete", thus the decision. One of mine didn't require anything additional from the doctor and the other required a d&c; simple procedure and fairly quick recovery. Best wishes whichever way you decide to go.

    A generation ago, there wasn't much sympathy at all for miscarriages. Very few people looked on it as a loss; at least we've come to where we treat it more seriously.
     
  15. You have my sympathies, I am so sorry for your loss. If you opt for D&C please make them do pregnancy test first to make sure you are not carrying another child. I lost a twin & was ready for theatre when my gynaecologist just had a suspicion that there might still be another baby there!
    I don't want to raise your hopes but just am afraid that this near abortion of another child would ever happen to anyone else! Better safe than sorry!