Maxim Online Presents: The Greatest Movie Contests

  1. Hey! There just happens to be a Dance Off/Battle of the Frats/Surf Contest that'll solve all of our problems minutes before the ending credits! Whatcha say, Gang?

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    9. Homecoming Carnival (Revenge of the Nerds)
    After absorbing endless abuse and humiliation, the nerds realize that they can do only one thing to wrest themselves from the grip of the Alpha Betas—win the homecoming carnival and take over the Greek council. We'd be troubled that Adams College's student governors are chosen by belching contests and drunken tricycle races, but then we remembered what country we live in and decided to shut the hell up.






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    8. The Regatta (One Crazy Summer)
    Poor, struggling musician Cassandra is about to lose her house and, wouldn't you know it? The only thing that can help her is a conveniently timed boat race and one insane man's insistence that his family win it every year. Fire up that "boat building" montage, Hoops, you've got quirky mascots to create and brand-new Ferraris to vandalize.
     
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    7. Three Minutes in the Ring With Bone Saw (Spider-Man)
    This wrestling contest promised $3,000 for three minutes in the ring, but it actually delivers so much more: a superhero nickname, a lesson about greed and corruption, and a dead uncle. We're sure Peter Parker would have preferred the three grand.





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    6. Battle of the Bands (School of Rock)
    If you took out the substitute teacher roommate, the classroom full of musical prodigies, and the magical respect-winning-backness of a "Battle of the Bands" showdown, School of Rock would have gone like this: Dewey Finn gets kicked out of band, ends up dead three days later covered in Cheetos and vomit. The end.
     
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    5. Journalism Contest (Just One of the Guys)
    Before any of us knew how people became journalists in the real world (lie your way into an entry-level position, develop a drinking problem) we believed that high schools actually had "journalism contests" for up-and-coming Woodward and Bernsteins. And we believed that smart, pretty girls couldn't be taken seriously unless they dressed up like Ralph Macchio and wrote a story about it.




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    4. The Wonka Factory Tour (Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory)
    The best part of this contest is that it's such a mind **** that the contestants don't even realize they're competing for anything. Maybe if they knew the ownership rights to the entire chocolate empire were within their grasp, they might have eased up a bit and kissed a little more Wonka ass. But instead, THEY GET NOTHING! THEY LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
     
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    3. Rap Battle (8 Mile)
    It's one thing when you're battling for cash and prizes, it's another when the only thing you have to win is self-respect. But still, B-Rabbit holds his own and proves that sometimes the final reel contest can be a moral rather than financial victory. Now clean mom's spaghetti off your shirt.




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    2. Pipe Masters (Blue Crush)
    First of all, kudos to the screenwriters for making a movie about female surfers who desire nothing more in the world than to be pipe masters (haw!). Surf contests have that knack of combining the thrill of victory with the agony of getting scraped along a coral reef by 20 feet of pounding water. It also provides a handy showcase for surfer girls looking to overcome that mythical "near-death" experience.
     
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    1. The All Valley Karate Championship (The Karate Kid)
    Yeah, yeah, we know…learn karate in order to get a sense of discipline and self-confidence. But most importantly, learn karate so that you can kick Billy Zabka in his punk-ass face in front of a thousand cheering high schoolers and take home a trophy that's twice your size. It really makes that time they beat the piss out of you on Halloween or tried to steal your girl seem like ages ago, doesn't it?