Maxim Online Presents: Behind Enemy Lines (A look into a woman's apartment)

  1. I thought this would be funny to share:

    According to Sam Gosling, author of The Secret Language of Stuff, a cursory scan of a woman’s apartment speaks volumes about her world.

    1. Entertainment Center
    Tech signposts are key, and a flat–screen monster with all the bells and whistles doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a Grey’s Anatomy junkie. “People with the latest and greatest gadgets often crave stimulation,” says Gosling. Translation: You’re in for awkward wine–and–cheese parties galore.

    2. Living Room
    If she has re–created a Pottery Barn showroom, you’re dealing with a nester. “Lots of pillows indicate an extrovert who wants to craft an inviting environment,” explains Gosling. “She needs constant company.”
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    3. Bathroom
    Peep her toothpaste tube. Does she squeeze or roll? The latter means she’s borderline OCD. Also, look for the cap—if she can’t keep track of that, she may be the type who constantly loses her phone.

    4. Library
    Does she have a bookshelf? Inspect the selection. If she owns A Million Little Pieces, any Oprah Book Club book, or He’s Just Not That Into You, you’re about to take out a lady who has no idea that she’s (a) annoying, (b) needy, or (c) corpselike in bed.
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    5. Bedroom
    An elevated bed indicates a girl wants to be put on a pedestal, while something low, like a futon, means she’ll be quick to invite you in and even quicker to kick you out. Candles? Check the wax. “Unused means she wants to appear contemplative but really isn’t,” explains Gosling.

    6. Kitchen
    “The kitchen is a key to her conscientiousness,” explains Gosling. “If there isn’t a crumb in sight, expect a task–oriented person who doesn’t get caught up in the chaos of the moment.” That means she’s cool so long as you’re not a total mess.
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    7. Stuffed Animals
    Do you see dozens or just one, her grandmother’s teddy bear? “The former is a girly girl who doesn’t want to grow up, while the latter is the sentimental type who values her connections to the past.” (She’s grounded.)

    8. Breakfast Nook
    Scattered bills scream credit card debt, but if they’re neatly stacked and sliced open with a letter opener, she’s nice and punctual. Say hello to 25 minutes of movie previews!
  5. And they say women overanalyze? :lol:
  6. LOL--apparently I am "borderline OCD"
  7. ^ and apparently I'm "(a) annoying, (b) needy, or (c) corpselike in bed" :p

    I'm betting he's single, haha. He must go into apartments and psycho-analyze his potential dates, then gets scared by what kind of coffee they drink or the color of their toothbrush or the type of food dishes their dog has. Ah well.
  8. LOL... Apparently, I "need constant company"... I do like my pillows!! :p
  9. The cap is attached to my toopaste tube - what does that make me?????????
  10. ^ haha. Ive got a high bed so someone put me on a pedestal already! :p
  11. What's so wrong with being a Grey’s Anatomy junkie anyway? :p It's the best show on the planet.

  12. Right!
  13. lol, i like maxim (it's actually one of the best-written magazines out there) but this is just so hilariously wrong. my public appearance is very neat and put-together, but my apartment is a mess - i feel like this contradiction would make this guy's head explode from confusion.
  14. I thought men hated it when women judged a guy's personality or whatever from their behaviour and appartment? (He likes red, he must be good in bed! He drives fast, must be an aggressive person! He has huge feet, must have a huge penis to match -.-) and now a men's mag is encouraging men to do the same?
  15. haha, very deep.. thanks