I've had it up to HERE with my mother!

  1. All I can say is, thank GOD I'm moving away in a week!

    For those of you who don't know . . . I love my mother, but she has the most toxic personality when we're arguing. She's the type of person that likes to hit below the belt. And the maddening thing is, she usually mentions my weight and it has nothing the hell to do with what we're arguing about! Then she uses the "You're just mad because I'm telling the truth" defense. That is total bullsh:censor: t! I could tell her, "I'd rather be fat than incredibly stupid" and use that same defense, but when I do it, it's "so inappropriate" for some reason!

    And she'll tell her family members about me so judging from her side of the story, I'm this uncontrollable juvenile delinquint that needs to be locked up, but in reality, I'm trying to do the best that I can and it's REALLY difficult when someone hurls verbal abuse at you. And I'm considered 'uncontrollable' because I don't bow to her every psychotic, unreasonable whim! Like, if we don't do it entirely her way, then we're wrong!

    For the past couple days, everything she has to say to me has been either an insult, an instruction or a discussion about something. I've gotten everything from people my size shouldn't wear high heels to she's afraid I'm never going to lose weight to I'm really out of shape.
    And after pissing me off all day she had the absolute GALL to show me an article about how coloring my hair could cause cancer. (Or something, I really wasn't paying attention.)

    I've been losing weight. She just thinks I'm a failure because I eat things she doesn't approve of. (I'm an adult. I watch what I eat all day, and if I want to eat an entire bag of goldfish crackers, that's my business!) I'm trying to lose weight for me, not her, because I'm tired of basing weight loss on whether or not she's going to be affectionate towards me!

    It's like, she practically calls me a fatass, and then turns around and says, "You're beautiful." (Well, DUH! But don't make comments about my appearance. I don't like when you mention my weight yet AGAIN and I don't like it when you confuse me later by saying I'm beautiful!)
    I haven't really gotten around to packing yet. I've packed, like, four boxes. I started to and thought I could do some on Tuesday after a doctor's appointment. Well, I was stuck in the car with her all day, and by the time I got back I just wanted to leave the house, she made me so FURIOUS!

    I keep telling myself "just one more week and then I don't have to deal with her if I don't want to, " but I still find I need to have my dad come talk me off a ledge.

    I hurled an apple the other night because she would NOT shut up about something! (I was aiming for her, but totally missed!)

    She asked if she could come into my room and before I said yes, she came in. I forgot to hide the empty bag of goldfish. She saw it and goes, "You can tell what the look on my face means, right?" I just said, "Yes, now please leave my room." What I WANTED to say was, "F:censor: K OFF!"

    I can't take it anymore. Every time she talks to me I get so f:censor: ing tense!
     
  2. I feel so sorry for you! It is a good thing that you are moving out. Unfortunately you can choose your friends but not your relatives. She will always be your mother but I think it would do you good not seeing her often! Have you tried talking to her an explaining how you feel?
     
  3. Good Lord. I am sorry to hear you are feeling so bad.

    Maybe your mom needs to hear from someone else that her behavior is hurtful -- have you thought about family counselling? She may "hear" it if someone other than you discusses it with her. She needs to stop talking to you like that.
     
  4. I'm sorry you are going through this! I think the distance will be good for your relationship. My dh and his brother fight with their sister like crazy when they get around each other. Since she has moved to upstate NY, all three of them get along much better.

    I hope everything turns out ok for you and your mom!
     
  5. Sorry about your Mom, not even has the right to do this to us. ***Hugs***
     
  6. Caitlin, I am sorry to hear you are going through this. However, you need to realize that these feelings and thoughts that your mother has are HERS. They are not your problem. If you are happy with yourself and content then you should not let her bother you. You need to tell her straight out that you do not like her condesending, hurtful comments. That if she is trying to help you, then she's not doing it the correct way. TELL her how she makes you feel then tell her that if she cannot change her ways you are not going to let her make you feel miserable anymore. Sometimes people need to have the truth thrown at them to make a change.

    The important thing is that you must not allow her to upset you. You are in control of your OWN emotions and feelings. If she is upsetting you, it is because you are letting her. Think about this a little bit please, it is very true. People can only do to us what we let them. You can make a conscious decision to not let her words and actions affect you. At least try it out, it's better than feeling all those bad feelings inside yourself. You must act like the wonderful person you are and NOT ALLOW anyone to treat you as less than that. I hope this will all work out for you!
     
  7. Sorry to hear about that caitlin.
    I agree with what others have said. Distance will definitely be better for your relationship. It worked for me and my mother. It wasnt until I moved half way across the country that we could actually have civil conversations.
     
  8. I'm sorry you are dealing with this... moving WILL make it better.

    She's your mom and she loves you and that's obviously just the way she is. I think if she knew how much it hurt you that could help her to just be quiet at times... maybe. :smile:

    I adore my mother. We live 1100 miles apart and I felt the same way you did when I was finally moving. And we DO get along wonderfully now that we are not together every single day. My mom is gorgeous -- was a model and has always been thin and dresses like she just stepped out of Vogue at all times. I am NOT super thin (always needing to lose 20 pounds I feel) and she has ragged on me about it since I started gaining weight in my 20's. I think my mom is the only person I know who told my brother and I to not "clean your plate" when we were growing up! :lol:

    Now my mom has a fatal and very painful cancer and it's very, very difficult dealing with it being so far away. I've always felt my mom would live to see 100. When I heard the news, it was like ALL the past arguments we had were just erased from my mind -- they just didn't matter anymore.

    I'm 45 now and finally realizing that all those things my mom picked on me about were HER issues -- NOT mine.

    I hope things begin to get better for you. Distance does make a difference and hopefully you'll start a better relationship once you move. :smile:
     
  9. You're going to enjoy living away from her. Both my college roommate (from many years back...) and I had this type of toxic relationship with our mothers (mine was even partially about weight at times!) and moving out of the house was the best thing that both of us ever did. It seriously calms down the anger and eventually you'll get into a better relationship with her. I'm not saying you'll be best buds, but things will be a lot more tolerable when you see each other at family parties or holidays, since hopefully she'll realize that she only gets to see you for 2 hours and it's ridiculous to use that short amount of time to gripe and kvetch at you! Mine occassionally lapses during a visit, but I'll just say "Is this seriously how you want to spend the time?" or "Well, guess I'll be leaving a bit earlier than planned" and she chills.
     
  10. i'm sorry i know how you're feeling i have a similar relationship with my mom only she uses guilt against me more then insults since she knows i basically ignore all the insults she hurls anyway. its probably best that you're moving and getting some space. until then just remember that you are an adult and do make your own choices, dont let her reduce you to a whimpering 12 year old (been there done that lol) being on the chunky monkey side myself i'll say losing weight is for YOU and she has no say in the matter. Be strong about it and stand behind all your choices, remembering as much as she might b*tch about it its your life and your choices she can't change that... in fact if its been getting worse recently maybe its because she feels like she is losing control by you moving away??
     
  11. Thank you, everybody, for just letting me vent.

    We HAVE tried counselling, and I HAVE tried telling her how I feel. It doesn't work. I know at this point, she can't change, but I can change how I deal with situations like that. I can choose not to blow up or swear (unfortunately, I've seen those as my only options!) but at least my moving out of the house gives me ANOTHER option: I don't have to put up with that anymore if I choose not to.
     
  12. I'm sorry Caitlin that's just wrong, that's verbal abuse and you don't have to tolerate it. When you move out just make sure you maintain a distance. I know it's hard, but sometimes we just have to accept that our mothers are who they are and they aren't going to change just because they are our mother's (Did I make sense) but you don't have to accept how she treats you. Just because she says these things to you doesn't make them true. Be strong, I"m sorry your going through this.
     
  13. Caitlin,

    Hang in there. Sometimes, it's rough being a daughter of someone who just sees things that way. Twoharleygirl is right, they are her issues, not yours. I'm sure she loves you very much and wants you to be the best you can be (in her eyes only). My mom can be like that too. No matter what, I will never be thin enough for her. If I want to lose 10 lbs, she wants me to lose 30 and so forth. Some people are just impossible to please and take it as her character flaw, not yours. I'm sure she loves you very much and has no real concept of how her actions really makes you feel.

    Hang in there, she is your mother and she loves you. It's one more week. *hugs*
     
  14. Whoa, so sorry to hear this. When i read your thread title, i thought it was just another normal thing we daughters always have with our mothers. But after reading the whole thing, i realize how pissed off you are....
    Glad to hear that you are moving out in a week. In the time being, just hang in there. I know that you can't stand her now but then, she's your mother after all. May be you2 will have a better relationship when you are not living together anymore.

    Good luck...
    *cheer*
     
  15. Caitlin,
    It sounds to me like your mom is very verbally abusive. I am glad you are putting some distance between yourself and her.
    People like this always think there is something wrong with everyone else, but them.
    Basically she kicks you around with her negative comments to somehow boost her own low self-esteem, but gives you enough approval like the "your beautiful" comment to keep you hanging on.
    That is my own opinion, however, its up to you to make the decisions on how you are going to handle the situation.
    Best of luck and hugs to you!