is this acceptable behaviour?

  1. Hi guys, just wanted to ask for your opinions. Assuming your SO/long-term partner always has the habit of telling you on almost a daily basis as to what your faults are and being critical, and later ends it by saying well it doesnt matter cos i still love ya. What signals is he trying to send? does he love you or not?
     
  2. My ex-boyfriend did that all the time. Sometimes he'd make me feel so bad I would cry.Then he would end by giving me kisses or a hug and make me melt again like a fool. I don't know exactly what your SO is saying or how often, so I can only give very general/sketchy advisement.

    I don't think it reflects on whether he loves you, but an insecurity on his part. I hate to generalize, but I find often many men do this because they want to keep you in your 'place', subconciously or conciously. They want you to feel bad enough about yourself that you feel that you need them. "Yes, I am all these horrible things, but it's okay, because he still loves me and wants to be with me."

    I am not suggesting that you break up with him, but honestly tell him how this makes you feel, and ask him what is his motivation to dump on you daily. If he's sincere, he'll put himself in check. If not, well, you have to decide where to go from there.
     
  3. I guess it depends.. is he trying to bring them to your attention cause they're actual issues that might hinder you in life, so that you can try to change them...like maybe picking your nose in public? Or is he being critical in order to bring you down and make you feel worthless, only to attempt to build up your dependence on him by making it seem like he's the only one that really cares about you?
     
  4. I think sometimes it just becomes habit..they don't realize it hurts.

    I've been married to the same guy for almost 21 years. I have come to accept that what comes out of his mouth sometimes deserves my deaf ear. He can come off as a know it all at times...and I just let him ramble...cause I know the truth!...hehehe
     

  5. well the problem is, he expects me to do everything for him as and when he wants it, an eg is getting him coffee immediately when he demands it, and i sometimes get a little peeved that im always the one giving. I guess i just want more appreciation, but he focuses on when i cant do things the way he wants, and says that i can be really mean and cold at times when in fact i feel its unfair that such remarks are made.
     
  6. Okay, this part of your post just struck me. Even though my ex made me very upset, I never doubted that he loved me. I just thought he was trying to hurt me for some reason (before I was sophisticated enough to see what was really going on). You really need to have a serious discussion with your SO as soon as possible.
     
  7. "getting him coffee immediately when he demands it..."
    Are you his maid/servant or his significant other/equal? Not only would I have serious issues with being treated this way, I wouldn't tolerate being treated as anything but an equal.
     
  8. I don't know - honestly this sounds like verbal abuse to me. Maybe abuse sounds harsh but I wouldn't put up with it - we're in relationships to get support not knocked down.

    As for if he loves you, who cares when he treats you like that??? You deserve better!!!
     
  9. Okay, reading this it sounds like this is more common than I thought - but honestly ladies I've never had a SO tell me mean things on a daily or even weekly/monthly basis.
     
  10. ITA...if he is saying things (like the nose picking example--OMG love ya Charles!!!:nuts: ) to help you long-term, thats acceptable IMHO.

    However, I have a feeling that he might be doing it to hurt your self-esteem. He might not even recognize consciously that he is doing this.:yucky:

    I would def. bring it up to him and see what he has to say about it.:idea:

    If he is doing it to be mean, there are plenty of other guys out there who would treat you like the princess that you are!!:supacool: :p
     
  11. i think based on what you said, it's more a manipulative, controlling sense which is f'd up.

    My BF says funny stuff about me... like he says i'm clutzy but he still loves me.. that type of stuff. If he were to criticize my character in order to get his way, he'd have to go!!! that is not cool..
     
  12. I had no idea that verbal abuse was so common, either. It really sounds like he has self-esteem and/or control issues, and I personally wouldn't wait for him to get them figured out. No one deserves to hear constant negatives from the person who is supposed to be their partner and their support. How can you depend on someone who tears you down on a daily basis?
     
  13. I would ask myself this, "am I his partner or his employee?"
     

  14. LOVE the fringe bags in your signature BTW!
    Sorry people...
    :back2topic:
     
  15. Based on what you've said it seems like he's looking for a woman to boss around. Someone to cook his meals, rub his feet when he gets home, grab him a beer when he's watching the game, and speak only when spoken to. He's demanding you do things on his schedule and he berates you with his words. You seem like you're enabling him by continuing to be a victim here. You should have a man that respects you and treats you like a partner, not a slave. Don't get me wrong, I feel both partners should do favors for their mates, and help them out here and there, but there's a difference between that and a partner having an expectation of servitude. Ask yourself if you're truly happy. If you are, then good for you. Some women enjoy being in a submissive role. But, if you're starting to feel inferior, perhaps it's time for a change. Don't let this man run your self esteem into the ground.