Incredible crisis advice.....some questions?

G

giselle

Member
Dec 22, 2005
49
0
#1
:heart: I just can't tell you ladies how you have touched my heart with all your kind and well thought out advice and encouragement...thank you!!

I wont keep this thread running because I don't want to bring everyone down on such a fun forum, but I just wanted to be able to give a little more info and ask a few follow up questions.

I am pretty certain he is/has cheated. I got info from a close friend and found some information where it shouldnt be (Maybe I can be more specific when I am not so scared). He is my HS sweetheart, we have been married for almost 31 years!!!! I was VERY young (not pregnant), just in love. If this is true, it's the bottom line for me, too much to take. He has been abusive on and off (it happens in clusters and then not again for years) and done some other bad things. But each time a promise of reform. An affair would be my last straw.

I helped put him through ALL school (12yrs). Our children are now young adults. I gave my life, my heart, my soul, and clearly too much of myself untill I all but dissappeared:sad: . Now I am empty and scared out of my mind.

BUT, I WILL take all your advice. Keep my mouth shut, prepare, gather info and seek advice. That is my question....how does one find all the top divorce lawyers??? I have NO friends that I can really trust. No one to ask. I live in a smallish community and church environment where gossip travels very fast. I am even scared on the computer. Does this forum leave any cookies??

I am confused and scared about the money. Can he just take it all and leave me??? My name is on the accounts too, but we can each write checks without the other knowing.

Which book tells me how to protect the money?? A couple titles were mentioned.

Every night I have panick attacks, thats why I am up on the computer. Thank you again if you can answer my questions.....I am SO grateful!!!
 
#4
^^^ I agree. Seek advice from a good divorce lawyer. Where are you from? I'm sure some of the ladies here can help you out. Hang in there, we're here for you.
 
#5
PS........I should have also told you he is incredibly tight with money, I have to hide most of my purchases. I am so nervous I forgot to sign my name....thanks giselle
 
#6
Hi! If you live in a small town (like I grew up in- I hear you about the gossip:rolleyes: ) Why don't you go a larger town/city nearby & find a lawyer. You are bound to find a better attorney if you branch out of your small area. You also have less stress with anyone being nosy & finding out. Big hugs!
 
#7
You sound like you are going to have a hard time. You need to find an attorney ASAP. Start researching online. Go to the county courthouse and ask around. Do some research. If you PM me your zipcode I will do some searching for you on the internet. I am pretty good with covert operations. If you have been married as long as you say you are probably eligible for life time Alimony. My husband has to pay his ex life time alimony and they were only married 20 years. Start copying tax returns for the past 10 years plus. Do it while he is away. start a file and hide them. Copy anything and everything. Copy IRA accounts, copy all bank accounts balances. NOw is the time to do this. So he doesnt deplete them when he knows you know. Let him have his fun. Do everything you need to do to make him feel that you do not know. In my experience he is not going to leave you unless he has to. Divorce is financially draining. If he can keep up his little cheat fest without you knowing he will. HOep this helps.
Go to barnes and noble today and start READING everything related to womens rights in divorce.
Knowledge is success.
Selena
 
#8
If you are looking for a "good" attorney you only need to look in the yellow pages. When I used to work for a law firm in a medium sized city, I found that the reputable divorce attorneys were the ones working in a firm, as opposed to be on their own. When working in a firm you typically pay a higher rate for that attorney, but they have much more resources available for you.
If you are worried about your town, remember that by law everyone in the office is under a confidentiality agreement, even the secretary can't tell anyone that you were in the office....but of course this does not always happen.
You may be better to go over to the next town (especially if it is a bit bigger town), but you might want to make sure it is in the same county (some attorneys will charge an arm & a leg if they have to go out of their county to represent you). You should be able to get at least a free telephone consultation, and your first visit is usually at a reduced rate for a 1/2 in-person consultation. You will be required to put down a retainer of anywhere from $1000-$5000 depending on the firm.
During the divorce you can request that HE pay your attorneys fees, in which case you'll get your retainer back.
If you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask. I worked there (I used to be an admin assistant and also went to court every day filing documents, and assisting the attorneys in trial preparation) for 4 years and helped out the divorce attorneys alot. It was in California...so your laws might be slightly different in whatever state you're in.
Also...in terms of money....until you file for a divorce or legal separation he can pretty much do whatever he wants with the money (although if he starts selling things off or dumping the money into a separate account, the court will usually order him to put it back). BUT if you notice this happening...KEEP track of it now!!!! That way you can get it back when you start the divorce.
And again...I am sooooo sorry this is happening to you!
 
#10
I agree with Selena about the bank account stuff and tax returns, but it is not completely necessary to do (I mean if you think you can do it behind his back without him ever finding out..then go ahead), BUT the attorneys will get official copies of all of this stuff anyways.
When you do the initially filing for the divorce, you will be asked to fill out an "Income & Expense Declaration" this is where you list your income, and your debts...including house payment, taxes, car payment, credit cards, etc. He will be required to do the same thing. So you may want to start getting some of that stuff together (again behind his back).
 
#11
giselle- let Selena help you...She sounds right on the money about everything. Follow her instructions and be as devious as he has been to you in his cheating. I think maybe you should open your own a/c and start socking some of the money in your joint a/c's away, slowly and inconspicuously.

Let us offer you support and courage through this. You will rise to this occasion and make your life far better then it was. More hugs!
 
#12
Giselle,
Has anyone that lives in your town gotten a divorce in a particularly messy fashion? You know the ones everyone gossips about where one party ends up with nothing? You can search court records from your state online and find out who the representation for the parties were. Think back and try to remember who came out on top. If you see a pattern in the findings, make an appointment with the lawyer who "won" those cases. I second the idea about going to the nearest large town. You can also call the bar association for your state and get recommendations. I would also recommend that you keep to yourself during this time, and put on a good face. The dumber you play, the more time you have to get yourself ready. I would be thinking about some career possibilities and how much it will cost for the education needed for what you want to do. He can pay for that. If you ever need to talk, please pm me. It is important that you know that you are not alone! Take care!
Tami
 
#13
shushopn said:
giselle- let Selena help you...She sounds right on the money about everything. Follow her instructions and be as devious as he has been to you in his cheating. I think maybe you should open your own a/c and start socking some of the money in your joint a/c's away, slowly and inconspicuously.

Let us offer you support and courage through this. You will rise to this occasion and make your life far better then it was. More hugs!
Click to expand...

Yes, I agree, I would start stashing some money aside. Just make sure you to to a TOTALLY different bank. I know a lot of tellers might be friendly and helpful and often times tell more than they should. The last thing you want is for someone to tell your hubby "oh, yea your wife was in here the other day opening a new account, tell her we said "hello."

I know there might be confidentiality rules about those kinds of things but trust me, I have gotten out info from bankers that they weren't
"suppose to say" especially in a small town, they might think they were just being friendly.

Yea, go open an account at a different bank. You might even link that account to say and ING.com account. The interest rates there are REALLY good. And that way, if your hubby does find out, it will only show that the balance is like $25 (nothing worth mentioning.) You could tell him, you opened it there because they had a promo or something like that. or you knew someone at that bank and you were just trying to help her get her bonus (of opening new accounts).

Good luck to you! Hang in there! I am proud of you for your strength. God will give you the strength to get through this rough time and like Shushopn said, we are here for you always!
 
#14
Words can not say how sad I feel reading this. I'm sorry you have to go through this. You are stronger than you think if you are willing to walk away after 31 years of marriage. Everyone has given you excellent advice. I don't have any legal advice for you, but I just wanted to show my support. Take care.
 
#15
I cannot offer an legal guidance but I can offer technical guidance. If you afraid of leaving cookies after each time you are done using the internet on explorer go to tools then internet options & click temporary internet files then settings & view files. All of the internet sites you have visited will be there & you may select them all & delete. Also under internet options there is a delete cookies tab which I would also select.

Good Luck, you seem like a strong woman & hopefully there will be better days ahead for you.
 
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