BTW, this is going be very, very long! Normally I do not like mouthing someone off behind their back, especially when its my own (extended) family , but I am very cheesed off that I did not go to the London meet yesterday when I was obsessively shifting through 20 dresses to find a suitable one and really looking forward to it. Therefore I am going to be very naughty today - lets play who has the worst in-laws! Without further ado, let me start off with the benchmark on in-laws lawlessness: On Friday, both my dad and mum-in-law (hereafter DIL and MIL) sprang a surprise on us by declaring that they would come over to see us in town for lunch because I am pregnant. Conveniently it has to be the day when I made plans to go to the get together with the ladies in this forum in London. But that is not too bad because the meet was at 3pm. So I roasted a leg of lamb for them, timing it to be ready for 1pm. This is where the fun begins: 1) DIL and MIL promised to come at 1pm from what they call a manor in their address when it is a more like cottage in the countryside but no they arrived at 2.30. Their reason? The usual British excuse: the weather. What? It is not like there is a hurricane, it is not even raining and I can tell you are late because you left your house at 1 oclock! 2) I am OK with this because I can forgive them for their old age given that they had my husband quite late and they are in their 70s now. By the time they arrived, I was dressed up to go to the get together and guess what is the first thing MIL said when they saw me? She says (I was wearing an off-the-shoulder white tea dress with a lace underlayer that covers up to my neck that I planned to go to the get together with): Do you want to change into something more comfortable for us because we feel really uncomfortable seeing you in that dress? That is fine so I got changed and anyway it only takes 2 minutes to put it on again. Once I came downstairs to the dining room with what I usually wear in the house (i.e. Vietnamese Ao Dai), she made a face that implies that it is even worse and laughed: Dont you have a jumper (does this awful word for sweater exist in American English?) or something? I gather that French people dont know how to make guests feel at home. I am half English, woman and you are not funny. 3) Later DIL decides to join in. He said: Your lamb and parsnips could be better, you know? That is because you came 1.5 hours late! Then he looked at me and said that you must have some more lamb. I should be the one saying that but that was not the main issue. I must have looked puzzled because he goes on to tell me that I am too skinny. I am not; I was 57 and 110lbs, I am even putting on 5lbs in the past 2 weeks for your grandchild! He then lectured me on why I should be eating lots of dairy products especially his cheese to gain weight. Daddy-in-law, I dont have a nutritionist for nothing and that is why you weigh 200+lbs! You are not going to believe the next bit, it is the one of the most awkward thing I have faced ever. When I went to the kitchen in the basement to put the plates in the sink, he followed and offered to help which is great but when I was messing about with the fridge, he slapped my bum! Then he proceeded to squeeze it! So I turned around but he still held on so now his hand has hooked my body into his groin! I cannot believe what he is doing and I was in a position that could have come out of your X-rated girlie magazine: I could tell that I was slightly leaning back away from him against the fridge otherwise I would have been mouth-to-mouth with him but at the same time his hand was keeping me pressed onto his groin under his beer belly and we were like that for 10 seconds in absolute silence Then he told me that that is why I should be eating more because he cant get his hand on my bum easily. In his favourite words: You know like a hearty English girl. I detest that phrase you know but I suppose I now know the hard way what I never thought was possible that a 70-year-old man can still function 'downstairs' without any medical assistance - Hugh Hefner would be proud of him. This was just the meal and straight afterwards I have to make tea upon their insistence (when they mocked my tea making skills, my tea and making unnecessary comment that old people do such as I am a weirdo for not liking milk with tea). Also during the late lunch, they decided to spring another surprise by presenting us with 4 tickets to go and see Monty Python Spamalot. Great, now I have to sit in a theatre bearing the blandest humour on earth: the musicals best efforts were making politically incorrect jokes which are painfully not hilarious. But before that, MIL insisted that she and DIL needs to go for dinner before 8pm start but we just ate at 2.30 and had tea at 4! When I heard that I had to go and see the play I was very grumpy but still pretending that everything was great but when we got to the restaurant they kept making me eat more! I am not surprised why half of the British population is obese when you have MIL and DIL forcing you to stuff yourself! It could not get any worse because MIL decided to play a diva J-Lo style with DIL in support so I had to go and apologise to the waiters on the way to the toilet - talk about English respectability and their pretension to keep it. It is very and I am even sighing as I type this. After the lousy play, they just suddenly decided to say on the pavement: can we sleep over tonight? OK anything for you but please tell me in advance so I can prepare the bed for you. They really like to surprise me, dont they? So when we got home at about 11.30 and I made the bed, MIL could not resist making a jibe at my white bed linen saying that it is so plain. I was thinking: Are you expecting granny-style floral patterns? I am putting up for you the best bed linen (see pic here and tell me what you think of my bed linen) in London and Paris combined! The worst thing about this was my husband who kept apologising to me. He caught me crying in the bathroom for no reason when MIL and DIL went to sleep (not because I was sad or anything but because he was apologising and still apologetic at breakfast this morning) and I feel really bad for making him feel guilty. Ultimately, I think I just have to take it that my DIL and MIL is a bit senile so I should let then do whatever they want. The most worrying thing is will I be like them when I am old and wrinkly? P.S. BTW, you can laugh at me, LOL. Everybody says I have the perfect marriage: the propriety, the house, the ideal husband but I have the in-laws from hell! Anyway let us hear your stories because I am sure my one is nothing and someone can beat it!