I'm in a Funk...I feel Lost.

  1. Hi Ladies (and Gents). This post will probably seem long-winded, self-indulgent and perhaps a little dull, but for some reason I need to get this out. I never, ever talk about my emotions with anyone (just not comfortable) but I feel like I've lost touch with myself for almost the last 5 years. I've been married to a great guy for almost 11 years and we had our first child 4 1/2 years ago.

    I was 28 when I had my son, Oscar. The nurses were concerned after his birth about a couple of his features and after some blood tests we found out he has Down Syndrome. I have never felt like such a failure as a woman - even though I knew then, as I know now that nothing I did or didn't do resulted in this. Anyway, this in no way affected our love for him and he truly is a beautiful child. I know this is going to sound incredibly selfish but I was too embarressed to attend any kind of mother and child groups and to this day tend to avoid situations where there are groups of mothers with their children.

    We had a second son almost two years ago. I refused to hold him or even look at him until I was assured that he was "normal" - another action that shames me as a mother.

    So, for the last 4 1/2 years I've been raising 2 kids, a job which I do love. It's just that during this time I have felt totally disconnected. I'm a mother, wife, carer, cook, etc, but feel like I have lost the "woman" in me. This is really depressing me as I don't know what to do to get it back - I just don't have the confidence.

    Affection has become something that I give to my children only. When my husband comes home or goes to work it's a quick peck on the cheek for him. How much longer can he put up with this? He bought me some beautiful lingerie for Xmas but I know I won't wear it, I don't like seeing myself in it. It reminds me of the person I used to be, so far away from the person I feel like now.

    I'm not too sure what my point with posting this is, I just know that I feel better getting this out.
  2. This may be a stupid question--but have you tried counseling? It definitely sounds like you have some emotional stuff going on that talking to someone confidentially might help you sort through.
  3. Cal, you have been through so much. I doubt you ever truly healed from learning that your son had down syndrome. That alone must have been a very traumatic experience. I know you never attended support groups but I really believe that meeting others who have experienced what you have would help you. Sharing your feelings with them or with a professional counselor would be life altering for you.
    Walking through life not knowing who you are or feeling no affection for your spouse is no way for you to live. You deserve better! It is so easy to lose yourself while raising your children. I have twin 9 year old boys and am a SAHM so I understand how that can happen. Take back your identity, heal your marriage through seeking help. I know you can do it and I am here for you. Big hugs and lots of love to a wonderful PFer!
  4. Hi there,

    I am so sorry you are having a tough time. I think that your feelings are very common. We give so much to our children, it's hard to feel "wifelike" sometimes. It often takes me a long time to "switch modes". I have a good neighbor friend who found out pre-natally that she was having a child w/ Down Syndrome. He is now 7 months old, but she confided in me recently that even though she felt very informed and prepared by knowing early, she is still dealing w/ the trauma and overwhelming emotional scarring she feels sometimes. One thing she said helps her alot is an online support group and forum much like this one. Trisomy 21 Online Community Many of the mom's are reaching out to her and talking w/ her..even calling her. I know that it may not be the end all solution, but possibly a start. Please keep in touch and tell us how you are doing.

  5. Cal, you don't sound selfish at all. You have more going on in your life than most young working mothers, plus you have a special needs child. And that's a very draining job! How tired are you? Is that part of it or do you simply not feel feminine enough to be comfortable with yourself and respond to your husband? My guess is more women have this issue than anyone knows. It's very hard to talk about. You're brave to share this.

    I have no advice other than maybe a thorough check-up with the doctor, and possibly counseling. I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers.:heart:
  6. hugs I understand and relate to where you are coming from. That certain things happen in life well beyond our control. That significantly affect how we see ourself and further as possible/or unlikely sexual beings. thoose feelings of guilt, anger and doubt I know have affected most aspects of my life but most spefically my marriage.

  7. Cal, first of all this is so brave of you to come forward and share your emotions, when you have even been able to tell us that this is hard for you. That is a great feat and will be the beginning of the process of finding more of your feelings.

    Your feelings are very understandable- you have two young kids, a husband, a house, etc, etc etc, That is stressful for anyone out there.

    You are an amazing person, and I know this by the sincerity of your posts- your sense of humor... You just have a lot of stress right now and are feeling down.

    My best advice would be to see a psychologist. It could really help you get through your feelings and emotions and learn and grow even more than you have- you are doing an amazing job, and you will get back to the person you miss... you are still her- just in a different state right now because of all the stressors.

    :heart: {{{HUGS}}}
  8. Hi Cal. I don't feel I can comment too much since I don't have any children but do know that it does make me sad that you are going thru this. Do you think its maybe hormonal? I go thru bouts of depression and it usually coincides with my period and seems to worsen as I get older. I've read that the change of life can differ from woman to woman and can begin very early (even in your late 20s!) Perhaps you can check into that? I also have a book I just got called "The Change Before the Change". I'll let you know if its a good read. Meanwhile, I'll be thinking about you!
  9. Hi Cal...You seem to be a little overwhelmed. I hope we can help you by listening and offering little bits of advice.

    Life didn't come with a guarantee.. It is certainly not easy and your plate is full. Mom to two and one is a special needs child is not easy. Sometimes just getting through the day is a chore for you and for lots of us. You just need to find yourself again. It is easy to say, but hard to do. It will be a lot easier in a few years when your little ones are in school for most of the day. You will feel like you have a life again. Do you get out alone at all these days? You need Cal time. Do you and your husband ever have alone time together? That is necessary also. I do know, I've been a mother for 28 years and I've had up, down and sideway feelings. I lose focus also and wonder what has happened to me? Start slowly...time alone if possible, time alone with hubby if possible and know that your feelings will pass in time.
    Until then, pop in and speak freely...your among friends!
  10. Cal, just from what you said it sounds like you are suffering from a form of clinical depression. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You are dealing with some very difficult things, and we all need help sometimes. I strongly urge you to seek couseling from a psychiatrist, as she/he will be able to prescribe an anti-depressant if you need it. You already know you need some help or you wouldn't have posted this message. God bless you.
  11. Thanks so much for your kind and understanding words. I really feel relieved at having posted and finally admitting that I need help. I realise that I do need to see a counselor and have contacted one here that deals with expats. I'm almost looking forward to spilling my guts and exploring my emotions as it's something I have never done before.

    Thanks again Ladies, your support means so much to me.

    Peace out.
  12. WOW..Im so sorry to hear of your probs.I think as a mom we tend to internalize ANY failure associated with our children.Which only makes the situation worse.I agree that counseling is a good idea..however I think you need to face your situation with your child that has downs.I think thats the source of your real issue.Get into a support group with moms of downs syndrome and I think itll help you face what you have been afraid to face.
    All moms are NOT perfect..I swear.We all make mistakes and tend to beat ourselves up for it emotionally!
    I have a really hard to raise 16 year old.Everytime she screws up majorly..I take it personally and want to cry.She has medical issues too that make it even harder to grow up a normal kid.So i really understand you.Being a parent is the greatest but the hardest thing you will ever do.There is no manual.!!!!I think by not facing the issues of your little one with downs..you have detached yourself from your hubby..etc...
    Trust me..Im in the middle of a prob with my 16 year old now too and I tend to internalize the issues at hand and block my hubby out when Im beyond stressed out!Which leads to me sometimes not giving PHH any attention too.
    Good luck! I hope everything gets better fast! Feel free to Pm me!All moms have their issues..trust me..Not one of us is perfect!
  13. PS- When all of us moms have bad weeks..Pedicures,manicures and girls nights out REALLY HELP!!!!
    Personally,I think every mom should take at least one girls only trip away per year..I did and it was a great recharge!
  14. I am so glad that you have decided to see a counselor. I bet your emotions will spill out of you now that you have let down your floodgates. Always know you can pm me anytime!
    Sometimes I go to bed feeling like the best parent ever and other nites I feel like the worst. It is an emotional rollercoaster and it's hard to not get beaten up by it.
  15. Cal,

    I am sorry you have been in a funk. I think most people go through a funk from time to time, sometimes we get out of it without any outside help sometimes it feels like we are just stuck. I am glad you've seeked help from a therapist. I believe that it's actually more courageous to seek help than not. Some people go through their whole lives knowing something is not working but never seek help. I hope you will be able to get to the bottom of whatever is causing you to be in a funk, and I am sure you will come out of it feeling so much happier and 'alive'. Kudos to you for recognizing and acknowledging the need to be yourself.

    Good luck ...