I'm a horrible, horrible person!

  1. Yes, I am.

    I already ranted on my own blog, but right now I just have no other way of making/keeping my peace.

    My last relationship -- as in, before this current one -- lasted 2 years and 15 days. He broke up with me in September 2004, because I was here and he was all the way back in Malaysia :sad:. Yes, it was a long-distance thing; very long distance. We still kept in touch and talked online everyday, because we both knew that we still loved each other very much.

    Then in September 2005, I met the man whom I'm with now, and when my ex found out about him in December -- through my mother -- he took it rather well, although at that time he told me he still had feelings for me. We started to talk less, because he was afraid my boyfriend being around -- although my boyfriend really didn't mind me talking to my ex, "as long as I knew what I was saying."

    And just yesterday, I found out that my ex now has a new girlfriend. He's 23 and she's 20, two years younger than I am. And ladies (and gentlemen, if any), I will not lie, I think my heart almost stopped when I found out. I don't know why; every feeling I'd ever had suddenly came rushing back to me, and I wanted to throw something out the window :censor:.

    Don't get me wrong; I love my current boyfriend a lot, but given the length of our relationship thus far, it might be safe to say that my ex was the great love of my life, and although our relationship had been a rocky one (he was extremely possessive and controlling) and I don't think I'd go back into it again, is it normal for someone to feel the way I do now :cry:?

    I'm clearly going to hell.
     
  2. You are not a horrible person to feel the way you feel. I'm a great believer in not speaking with Ex-es. Once it is done, it's done. done done done.

    But, you NOR your ex-bf will NEVER fully heal UNTIL each of you find your other half again.

    Don't be too harsh on yourself. It's normal. I'm sure your Ex-bf had gone through it when *he* found out about your relationship with current bf through your mom. Most people will try to act normal, be happy for your ex, and move on (although it still hurts!).
     
  3. No, you are not horrible, and I believe it is completley normal to feel that way. I know I have, and I'm married and happy.
     
  4. oh my gosh, this is so normal..of course, you will feel and start to wonder, "What have I done?" Did I chose the right guy, and start to feel insecure in some ways.. but you pointed out very strong qualities of your ex-bf that I think may have contributed to the break-up ("extremely possessive and controlling")... you were with him for quite a while and it makes sense that you feel "bad" in some ways coz now, someone else is making him happy, and you, when the relationship started with him, always thought it would be you... for now, just focus on the relationship that you have.. keep working on solidifying that foundation.. it doesn't mean you are a bad person if you wonder.. what you do about that "thinking" is what will break or make your current relationship... we all learn from our previous relationships.. we grow from those experiences and hopefully, we become mature enough when we hear stories about how our ex'es have moved on and found their own love of their lives...
     
  5. no, you are not horrible. There was a guy in High School that wanted to date me but his father made it clear to my mother (how old fashion is that) that he was not suppose to. I think it was a race thing.

    Anyways, the guy was still seriously after me for years. I got a boyfriend but that didn't stop him. I was with my boyfriend for 7 years too long anyways, when I found out that the guy in High School finally got a girlfriend, I was crushed! I was stunned and my heart ached.

    I think it is because we really care about this guy and though we couldn't be together we loved knowing that they wanted us. When we found out they are taken and that their love for us has transferred, it is sad and hurts.

    I really think it is normal, especially since you loved this person. I will tell you that I was so SAD and sick for months!!

    I am happily married now and I was just thinking about this guy the other day when I sent out an eBay package and the street was this guys name!!

    You'll be okay, trust me!
     
  6. This is all part of maturing and finding your way in life. I remember it happening to me. It seems like the end of the world, but it makes you stronger in life. JUst do not allow it to consume you and destroy the relationship you are in...especially if you want to be in the present relationship.
     
  7. I can understand how you feel, and I think it's pretty normal. Even though you guys broke up, you still had some sense of "ownership," for lack of a better word, and now that someone else has him you're finally going through the process of losing him, which you didn't have to do before. A couple years ago, long, long after my first real love had broken up with me, and a few years after I'd started dating my current guy, I found out that Ex had gotten married. Oh, did I weep. I didn't weep because I still loved him or couldn't have him, I wept because it really meant that he didn't love me anymore, that whatever hold I'd had on him was really, truly gone. So selfish, I know, but I think it's natural.
     
  8. I've been there... And actually I am still learning to cope with it. I had the love of my life a couple years back, but what did I do? I thought I'm still young, and I shouldn't be tied down with one guy. I meant we had a serious relationship talking about marriage, etc. when I was still 17. He was at that time 21. Furthermore, I was in Singapore/Australia and he was in the US, and we had managed to keep a 2 year relationship, and that may be the fact that we are a close friend before we started dating.

    We are still close after what I did to him. I mean he knows me best and I cannot keep things away from him. I feel safe.

    Then he has a serious girlfriend and we started to grow apart. What did I realize? I love him!.. I can't live without him!.. Well, it's too late I guess. However, in my craziness, I shot him an email about my feelings just for letting it all go, and No, I don't want him to break up with his gf, nor do I want to break up with my current bf. I know he still had some feelings for me, and we talked a bit. And that's it!

    Then Lo and Behold, I had to move to Columbus, OH for transfer as my major was uncommon, and he was here. It was so awkward seeing him with his girlfriend, but I guess I had let some of feelings for him from the email. He apparently hasn't... and we started meeting for lunch/dinner 1-2 times together alone. And then, after the 2nd dinner, we started talking about the past, and he said "If only I had come sooner." That does it for me.. I was being sentimental, and that's not right!. I asked him if his girlfriend knew we are having dinner, and he said "No." Well, my boyfriend did know, and I don't want to start keeping away from him. I said he had to go, ad we'll talked later. That's the last time I've seen him without him running away from me.

    After that day, everytime I met him, it's always a rush "hi and goodbye" and I mean his girlfriend is more friendly towards me than him. They had apparently avoid me a couple of times, like I went to this club and they had suddenly went home.

    Well I was hurt... Not because I love him. But I felt betrayed that he's not being just a friend. All this while, when I have my boyfriend, we had talked, and suddenly he has his girlfriend, and we don't talk anymore. BUT I guess there's some feelings left. After all, it was a great relationship, and we knew each other well enough to not to have a great big fight.

    BUT my reasoning right now goes like this: It's been a couple of years. We (and You too) have grown apart. What is in your memories is a figment of the past, and things might never be what it is like today.

    Think about it! In your situation, he's in Malaysia and you're in here. How can you start a relationship that's doomed to fail again? Where's the meeting point? You're only being sentimental. I guess there's always a place in your heart for great relationships, and it's always going to be a part of your memories. Learn to live with it. Don't regret what you have done because you cannot take it back.

    The ironic thing is my motto in life is "Never regret about the past. Live and learn." But for that one case in my life, I kind of regret about it. I always think of what would happen if I hadn't tear away the relationship. BUT that's a killer in life. I/You cannot do that.

    We have to live in the present, and savour the moment! Or you'll keep regreting the past, and make a mistake to your present relationship, and then you'll regret it again. Let it go. Yes, you will have a moment like this, but try to reason yourself out of this.

    PS: Sorry for the LONG post! Hope this helps!
     
  9. Oh, and P/S: the most ironic part that at the very moment I found out about my ex's new girlfriend, the song What Hurts The Most by Monica was playing on my iTunes.


    The gods must be laughing.
     
  10. they r not laughing, they r looking out for you...
     
  11. I don't understand. What part of this situation makes you feel like a horrible person? I don't see anything that you did.
     
  12. No way youre a horrible person! Its normal to feel so strongly about your first great love and you know what? To me that just says that when you love someone, you really love them. You sound like a great person to know.
     
  13. Actually I understand a bunch. My ex and I had a terribly rocky relationship, but learning that he had someone else just really upset me even though I have someone else and am completely happy.

    Was your ex the first time you felt like a very strong love for someone? I think no matter the horrible things that go on in a relationship (to an extent) you'll always think of that person with such a strong love because maybe not exactly how you feel for them but how they made YOU feel.

    Nothing wrong with having love and being sad both of you have truly moved on.
     
  14. This is my two cents.... In a round-about-way, your ex was your "back-up"--he was always there for you, at least as a friend, perhaps more. There was some safety offered by him since you guys still kept in touch on a regular basis. Your reaction was completely normal. Your "back-up" is gone and it's normal to question if you made the right decision to move on.

    Once you'd put the past relationship to rest, you won't have that heart-wrenching reaction when you hear about the ex-bf's new gf's. You'll even be happy for him instead of having that "punched in the guts" feeling...
     
  15. Hi honey, you are not horrible, just human, with human reactions and human feelings ;)