i really need your support and advice, my fellow tPFers

#17
amanda said:
i just got back from a trip to visit a very old friend of mine halfway across the country. he and i have had feelings on and off for each other for about 8 years, and we haven't really been in the position to see each other for quite some time (years, in fact). i was nervous about the trip, because i care for him a great deal regardless of any romantic feelings i have for him. we've always had great chemistry, and i was afraid that since all these years have passed, maybe that wouldn't be there in person anymore and it would mess up our relationship, even as just friends.

well, i couldn't have been more wrong. i had the best 4 days that i can remember having in a very, very long time and he was beyond wonderful. i don't think i've ever been treated that well by a man in my entire life. the connection and chemistry that we've always had were more than there - they couldn't be ignored. it went better than i could have imagined.

i cried all the way through the airport (although i kept it together fairly well in front of him, we both shed a tear or two), all the way home, and i've been crying on and off since thursday. i miss him so much that i can't stand it. the loneliness is palpable.

the thing is that neither of us wants a long distance relationship - we both know that they usually don't work and that they can sometimes doom relationships that would have been otherwise successful and we don't want to lose each other because of it. also, we're both young, and we both realize that we have things to learn and mistakes to make before we can be for each other what we need to be in order to last. because of this, we've decided that we need to date other people, at least until the end of college when we can potentially be in some sort of physical proximity. i'm more than willing to move for what i think i can have with him.

at this point, though, the thought of him with another girl kills me. it absolutely rips me apart. i don't want him to meet someone else and get caught up and us to miss our chance, and i don't want to do that either. i'm terrified, absolutely terrified, that he'll be the one that got away. he said it would break his heart if i up and married someone else before we got our chance, and i feel the same way, but sometimes life gets in the way, you know? at some point, reality hits you.

i just don't want to wonder for the rest of my life if what i could have had with him would be better than what i could have with anyone else. i don't want him to be the one that got away, but a long distance relationship would probably doom us regardless of how much we care about each other, and i can't expect him to wait for me for two years.

i'm going crazy here, because i can't talk to him. his phone broke while i was there and he won't have a replacement until the middle of the week. i don't know what he's feeling and i haven't heard his voice since he told me goodbye at the airport and i'm ready to implode because of it. i miss him so much. i don't know what i'm going to do.

so, any thoughts? advice? been in a similar situation? i just need something to get me through the initial shock of being without him.

sorry that this was so long, but normally he'd be the one i'd let this stuff out to, and i can't do that right now, so i really don't know where else to go. i know y'all won't judge me, though, so here i am.
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Sounds to me like the two of you need to do the long distance thing to see if its &right*
You're they are hard b ut do work, and funny thing is I found that you miss the person more and enjoy the time you have together more.( from my experience)
Sounds like you also need to get yourself a mic and start using Skype. you can chat on that :smile: and right now you can call from PC to home phone for FREE. Something to think about.
I wish you all the best.
 
#18
Wow your situation is so much like what I am going through at the moment. My bf and I were friends before anything and knew each other for years. He ended up moving to Chicago but we always kept in touch. I ended up visiting him in Chicago years after he left. It was the happiest I had been in a long time. We always shared a connection that was hard to describe. When I saw him again it was like we just clicked and connected so well. It wasn't awkward just felt like we were continuing from where we left off. When I left we were both sad. In fact we both cried on the phone when I got back home. We tried to leave the option to see other people open. But we both ended up agreeing we didn't want to be with anyone else. I too was willing to drop everything I had to move to be with him. But we agreed I wil finish up school first. Things will get easier. We visit each other every 2 mths or so. Leaving each other isn't as hard as it was. I really believe if two people are meant to be they will find a way. You just have to be greatful for what you have and be strong. It also helps to beable to reach that person whenever you need them. So have a talk with this guy and share things with each otheer that may help you through this.
 
#19
scarlett_2005 said:
They keys to a successful long distance relationship are communication and trust.
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I agree 100%, if you can go to bed at night and not worry about what he's doing while you're not around that is good start. I was in a long dis. relationship for 4 yrs. It was hard, although we were within driving distance 6 hrs one way it was still hard. But what made it easier was MSN, skype, and a great long distance phone plan. We talked everyday and looked forward to talking with each other. We also talked about things i'm sure we wouldnt have talked about in person. We also agreed to not go to bed mad at each other so it made us talk about things bothering us. It can work!!
I'm still in that relationship though now we're 1.5 hrs away from each other and things are great.
 
#20
Vlad said:
This is from me + Megs:

Once jealousy and mistrust and hurt becomes a variable, it will be a real ***** to get out of it and the magic's lost.
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I agree with this, thing is that this is an issue regardless of a long distance relationship or not. I believe this will kill a relationship faster then anything.
 
#21
I'm afraid I don't really have any great advice, but just wanted to say that I was thinking of you and hope things get better -- that's a very hard situation.

Nothing is worse than that lonely, lost, empty feeling that comes when you can't see or talk to the one person that you really miss. But it does eventually let up.

I guess I would say to NOT date other people, at least for a few months to see if you can work things out. It seems like it would at least be worth exploring the idea of long distance rather than simply ruling it out and dating others.:flowers:
 
#22
oh man have I been there. at your same age too. everyone is different but what I have learned personally is that those feelings of unrequieted love and passion are so strong and overwhelming you can't concentrate on anything else. You are consumed by them. Those same feelings surface whenever you just meet someone in town you are attracted to as well, the only difference is you have the opportunity to see those feelings through because that person is reachable. Every relationship goes through the same pattern - butterflies and feeling all mushy and perfect - then eventually all the little things start coming out that force you to decide if you can tolerate that person afterall!:lol: What I'm saying is, to keep everything in perspective. I believe you had an amazing time with this guy - and keep that time precious in your memory, just don't let it consume you. Its easy to be too idealistic about someone only to be dissappointed by them later. Not to say he is not the one. The only way you will ever know this is by spending more time together and if thats not possible, then at least keep in touch via e-mail or whatever. Through your conversations you will still get to know everything he is about eventually. That will either bring you closer together to make and effort or solidify the fact that you will just have a very good friend for the rest of your life. Hope I'm making sense. I just remember these feelings and honestly, if someone tried to tell me all this back then I would have totally ignored them! So take it for what its worth. Isn't love an incredible adventure?:love:
sorry for the long post.
 
#24
Amanda, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I hope things get better for you soon.

I think you guys shouldn't date other people. Maybe talk a lot on the phone, etc. for the next few weeks and see how you feel about a long distance relationship. Yeah, they're really hard, but it can actually strengthen the bond between you.

Take care. :smile:
 
#25
man, i was really hoping that you guys would be like NO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS! i'm more open to the idea than he is, and i don't want to try and convince him into it. i'm more scared of never getting a chance and he's more scared of taking our chance too early when we're more likely to screw it up. i don't know. we'll be able to talk about it in depth in a few days when he gets his phone. until then i just get to wallow.

thanks for the kind words, though, i really do appreciate it (and need it quite a bit in his absence).
 
#26
Doesn't he have your phone number?? Why hasn't he called you from another phone line?? We know you would move in a heartbeat if you could :yes: but would he move "if he could" for you??

If your feelings have been strong for this long, another 2 years or so won't matter. Be sure to stay in communication with him & continue to develop a solid based relationship even though it won't be officially a "long distance" relationship.

Who knows.....maybe he will think that you're "the girl that might get away" :graucho:
 
#27
crowgal said:
Doesn't he have your phone number?? Why hasn't he called you from another phone line?? We know you would move in a heartbeat if you could :yes: but would he move "if he could" for you??

If your feelings have been strong for this long, another 2 years or so won't matter. Be sure to stay in communication with him & continue to develop a solid based relationship even though it won't be officially a "long distance" relationship.

Who knows.....maybe he will think that you're "the girl that might get away" :graucho:
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i know he's scared i'll be the one that got away because he out and told me so at dinner the other night. he actually said it'd break his heart if i ended up with someone else and we didn't get a shot. i know he'd be willing to move and be with me when we finish school, he's told me that (but i'm actually LOOKING to move out of state and get a change of scenery, which is why i assume i'd be the one to move). we're in a weird situation as far as phones go since all any of us have are cell phones, no land lines (college students), and any conversation that we'd have at this point is loooooong and involved and would waste many minutes. a little separation at this point might be a good idea, at least for a few days, so we don't do anything stupid and emotional. get some perspective on the situation.

*sigh* i miss him so much.
 
#28
Ahhh, to be young and in love :love:

The great news is that you have just returned from having an unexpectedly, unbelievably fantastic time with him. Because of that, feelings are strong and intense right now. In the future, you'll remember them well, because these sorts of emotions really make you feel alive, and stay in dark phathoms of your memory. When you say that you both have "mistakes" to make, do you really feel that you need to date around and make some mistakes before you are sure? Or are you kinda sure now? Does he want to date around to see if he's sure, or because he just needs to date? ... It would help a teeny bit if you could just talk to him about it, wouldn't it? :lol:
 
#29
Sick4Marc said:
Ahhh, to be young and in love :love:

The great news is that you have just returned from having an unexpectedly, unbelievably fantastic time with him. Because of that, feelings are strong and intense right now. In the future, you'll remember them well, because these sorts of emotions really make you feel alive, and stay in dark phathoms of your memory. When you say that you both have "mistakes" to make, do you really feel that you need to date around and make some mistakes before you are sure? Or are you kinda sure now? Does he want to date around to see if he's sure, or because he just needs to date? ... It would help a teeny bit if you could just talk to him about it, wouldn't it? :lol:
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lol, yeah, it would help a teeny bit, wouldn't it? i can't for a few more days, though, so now i'm talking to you all about it.

and when i'm honest with myself, i'm not totally sure. we've always been close, and if i was going to take the risk on anyone at this point, it would be him, but a 4 day trip does not a marriage make. we're both so young. all i want to be sure about right now is that he WON'T be "the one that got away." i don't want to get married and have kids with someone else and still wonder if i would have been happier if i could have had it all with him.
 
#30
I had a professor say to me once, "relationships come and go, but your education is forever." It seemed a little cold at the time. I still think it does. Love is wonderful. HOWEVER, right now it sounds like you are on a love high. Maybe now is a good time to pause for the cause and reflect on your feelings and what it would mean to be in a relationship and what would you gain/lose by being with this person. (Yes, there are losses to being in a relationship.) I can so appreciate the challenge of being in a long distance relationship, but they are not impossible, but I do believe you have to be on the same page in terms of your goals for the relationship.
 
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