How long were you and your SO together...

swee7bebe

swee7bebe

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Mar 1, 2006
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#1
before you got engaged/married?

My bf and I have been together for 7 + years, and the subject of marriage has come up, but he still says he's not ready for marriage (I'm 27 and he's 25). I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I've told him that I want to get married within the next 2 years, but he still says that we're too young, he still has stuff that he wants to do, blah blah blah. I guess I've been thinking about this a lot because most of my close friends have gotten engaged/married in the last 2-3 years. I do want to be married and have a child before I'm 30, and I think that after being together for 7 years, he should know if he wants to get married or not. He says that he does want to, but he's not ready yet. I don't know...we're both doing pretty well, we both have good jobs (I'm a nurse and he does IS for human resources for a medical group), I have my own house (or condo), we're both financially stable...I guess what really bothered me was that last night we were having dinner at his brother's house. Bf's friend from high school was there and he had just proposed to his gf recently...he and my bf are the same age (his gf is my age) and he has been with his gf for maybe 3+ years? She was telling my bf that they're not sure when they're going to get married yet, but she wants to be able to enjoy being married for a year or two before they start having kids...and that she wants to start having kids before she's 30 - which is exactly how I feel. I guess it just got me thinking because he's more mature than his friend, and his friend was the last person who I would think would propose to his girlfriend...and if he could do it, what is my bf so scared of? I don't know...am I just crazy? People have told me to give him an ultimatum, but then I'd feel like I was forcing him. I don't want someone to marry me because he feels forced...

Anyway...sorry for the long post. I guess I'm just feeling down...
 
#2
My husband and I were together for 5 years before we got married-but, we spent 4 of those years living together. We probably would have been married before 5 years-but hubby had been married before and was in no big rush to do it again. I had told him that I wanted to be married by the time I was 30 and he agreed to that. I was 5 months shy of my 28th birthday when we tied the knot.
 
#3
We were together for 4 yrs before getting married.
Dh was 27 when we met and 31 when we married, I'm 7 yrs younger.
My DH swears on his life that MOST men should not marry before they're 30. There's a mini-mid life crisis that happens to a lot of men at 30 yrs old and he watched it happen to all his friends and we both think he went through it too.
 
#8
im 22 my bf is 28, and he is sooo ready to get married. i think it depends from person to person, my query is if youve been together for 7 years, and he knows he wants to marry you, why not now? i dont understand?

with me and my so. i feel im tooo young at 22, weve been togetther 3yrs. me moving to paris, is one of our tests, if we can make it at this distance for 1yr and ahlaf and still be strong at the end of it then i know that im ready and he is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with...

so if ur sure and he knws he wants too.. i dont see why not.. his reason sayin he wants to do stuff.. ok like?why couldnt he do them if u are together?
 
#9
I'm not married yet and my SO and I are going onto 4 years next February (with over 50% of the 4 years spent apart across the Pacific). We have not gotten officially engaged either. I know what you're going through though ... When my SO was 25 he pretty much said the same thing your bf did. The topic was recently brought up again and he said that it is a very "scary" thing for most guys. Now I don't nkow how true this is so perhaps the guys on the forum can shed light on this.

The gist of my post, however, is about my friends. I have a friend from school who got married at 23 and her husband is a few months younger, but they have known each other since childhood. Another person I know has just gotten engaged. She's now 34 and her fiance is the same age, they've been dating for 3 months when they got engaged. The third person is 32 and her fiance is 34, they dated for a little less than 3 years before they were engaged, but they had been living together for 1 year before that. Last but not least, I have a male friend who is 28, he's been dating this girl for 3 years and she's 4 years younger than he is. He is SO READY to get married from day 1.

So, it definitely really depends on the person. Some ppl feel ready earlier and some ppl may always find it a "scary" thing. I dunno why but guys seem to have the perception of marriage being the "ball and chains", my SO once brought that up and I told him right away that it's not just the "ball and chains" for the guy, the woman is also "stuck" with the guy so he needs to STOP thinking that he's "sacrificing" or doing the woman "a favor" by asking her to marry. They need to know that marriage is a partnership, not a prison. If they can understand that, perhaps they will be more open to the idea. I'm not saying all guys are like that or that is the reason they are afraid to get married, just SOME guys are that way.

I wish you luck on this. I don't think giving an ultimatum is a good idea. It may only end up pushing him away. I think in this case you should evaluate the situation and give yourself a deadline. You should ultimately come first.
 
#12
I wanted to add, 7 years is a long time...Yes, he should know whether you are "the one" or not by now (& vice versa) Maybe he really just has that fear of the "ball & chain" as mentioned but frankly, he shouldn't be thinking of marriage as a bad thing. I would wonder exactly what things he has left to do that marriage will interfere with?! I agree, I wouldn't give him an ultimatum either, you shouldn't have too. In the end, you have to make the ultimate decision on what to do. Women are having babies later in life now. You are young & will have plenty of time, so don't worry but please don't sacrifice what you want in life. As K said, take care of yourself, you come first! Hugs & Good luck:flowers:
 
#13
He does think that marriage is scary...he always says that whenever someone mentions marriage. It's like he has such a negative concept of marriage. I guess it's just seeing everyone around me getting married, and they haven't even been togther as long as we have. I feel like if we've been together for so long already, what is he so scared of? We know each other so well...we know what each other is thinking about without even saying it. We even call each other at the exact same time...like, when I pick up my phone to call him, he's already calling me. Anyway, I feel better just venting it. I can't really talk to my friends about it - since they're all married, they don't understand.
 
#14
It is very different for everyone, I think. My DH and I had only met 6 months befor he proposed, and we were married a year later...but I would have never thought it possible before I met him...engaged after 6 months!!?? I was 25 and he was 30. It was my second marriage and his first.

Personally, I don't think ultimatums work. Hopefully, he will come around on his own.
 
#15
I was with my hubby 4 years before we got married, I was 28 and he was 29. I say, that if you want to stay with him NOW, and don't plan on getting married YET, then do that.

Cross that bridge when it's time. Then you'll know what to do!
 
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