It's never been an hour. It's always been a half hour.
(Well, 20-some minutes without the commercials.)
(Well, 20-some minutes without the commercials.)
How I Met Your Mother
- Thread starter chigirl
- Start date
Thanks for the clarification! I think I got it confused with something else. I love the show though
Barney And Marshall (Slapsgiving)
Barney, Ted, Marshall And Lily (Slapsgiving)
Lily, Marshall, Barney, Ted And Robin (Slapsgiving)
Marshall And Barney (Slapsgiving)
Marshall, Lily, Ted, Barney And Robin (Slapsgiving)
Barney, Ted, Marshall And Lily (Slapsgiving)
Lily, Marshall, Barney, Ted And Robin (Slapsgiving)
Marshall And Barney (Slapsgiving)
Marshall, Lily, Ted, Barney And Robin (Slapsgiving)
Attachments
I found a clip on what's going to happen next week. Highlight below:
Barney and Robin are in bed, and they both look guilty. Barney says, "I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend." The next scene shows Ted and Barney in the back of a car. Ted's upset and he says, "Well, my mom's coming into town next month. Maybe you'd like to NAIL HER, TOO!"
Barney and Robin are in bed, and they both look guilty. Barney says, "I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend." The next scene shows Ted and Barney in the back of a car. Ted's upset and he says, "Well, my mom's coming into town next month. Maybe you'd like to NAIL HER, TOO!"
Barney: You're the most awesome person I've ever known. Well, second most awesome.
Robin: Right, of course the first being you.
Barney: No, no. The first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror. What up?
Robin: Is there any version of this conversation that you guys don't sound like my parents?
Lily: I don't know, is there any version that you don't sound like a 16-year-old?
Robin: That's exactly what my mom would say!
Lily: No, if I were your mom, I'd say: "we forbid you from seeing this boy"
Robin: Lily!
Lily: I'm sorry, but it's for your own good!
Robin: This is my life! You guys just don't get it, you never felt the way I feel
Marshall: No, no, we were young and in love too!
Robin: Yeah, like a billion years ago
Lily: You've been drinking, haven't you?
Robin: Yeah, we all have, you bought the last round!
Robin: Hey, Simon!
Simon: Ohh, look at you! You got old.
Robin: Yeah. You look great! You got hotter, like that's possible! So...
Robin: Right, of course the first being you.
Barney: No, no. The first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror. What up?
Robin: Is there any version of this conversation that you guys don't sound like my parents?
Lily: I don't know, is there any version that you don't sound like a 16-year-old?
Robin: That's exactly what my mom would say!
Lily: No, if I were your mom, I'd say: "we forbid you from seeing this boy"
Robin: Lily!
Lily: I'm sorry, but it's for your own good!
Robin: This is my life! You guys just don't get it, you never felt the way I feel
Marshall: No, no, we were young and in love too!
Robin: Yeah, like a billion years ago
Lily: You've been drinking, haven't you?
Robin: Yeah, we all have, you bought the last round!
Robin: Hey, Simon!
Simon: Ohh, look at you! You got old.
Robin: Yeah. You look great! You got hotter, like that's possible! So...
Marshall: I think we're going to wait on the baby thing. I mean I love babies. Babies rule. Pudgy arms and stuff. But, uh, they make you old. Kinda like this anchor weighing you down to one spot... forever.
Claire: I'm three months pregnant.
Marshall: [surprised] Not awkward, guys. Not awkward if we don't let it be awkward.
[nervously smiles, then walks away]
Ted: So, you're a reporter?
Robin: Sorta, I do those fluff stories at the end of the show, like... Monkey can play a violin. I'm hoping for some bigger stories.
Ted: Bigger... like, a Gorilla with an upright bass? Sorry, you're very pretty.
Lily: You're playing hockey. With a basketball... and tennis rackets?
Marshall: It's Baskiceball, the greatest game ever. We invented it. it's Awesome!
Lily: Wait, Baskiceball? shouldn't it be Iceketball?
Marvin Sr.: Ice... Ket... ball? that just sounds weird.
Marcus: The game is Baskiceball. And I'm the best.
Lily: Well, maybe that's just cause you haven't seen *me* play.
[Lily throws the basketball to Marcus who throws it back to Marshall]
Marshall: Well, it's not exactly a sport for girls.
: Well, that's funny cause your brother throws like a girl!
[Lily throws the ball back to Marcus]
[Marcus throws the ball hard and hits Lily in the face]
Ted: You're not... Moby, are you?
Not Moby: Who?
Ted: The recording artist, Moby.
Not Moby: Oh, no.
Ted: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?
Not Moby: Oh, I thought you said Tony.
Ted: So your name's Tony?
Not Moby: No.
Lily: [Lily sees Barney hitting on Claudia] Oh, Hell no!
[grabs Barney by the ear and yanks him away from Claudia]
Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard until your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
Barney: [confused] Wait... my eyes? Or my testicles?
Lily: [pause, thinks about it] One of each!
Barney: Moist.
[repeated during Barney's one man show to get back at Lily]
Barney: One of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you?
Barney: Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? Other people's misfortune.
Barney: I've been in a ten-way.
Barney: Oooookay. You can stay here for two days.
Lily: [Gasps]
Barney: But I only have one rule. You can't change anything.
Lily: Why would I change anything? This place is [pauses while looking around with uneasiness] perfect. Except for the fact that you don't have a TV.
Barney: See that wall? [Grabs remote and turns on TV and they are bathed in light] Three hundred inch flat screen. They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They had to ship it over in a freakin' tugboat like King Kong.
Claire: I'm three months pregnant.
Marshall: [surprised] Not awkward, guys. Not awkward if we don't let it be awkward.
[nervously smiles, then walks away]
Ted: So, you're a reporter?
Robin: Sorta, I do those fluff stories at the end of the show, like... Monkey can play a violin. I'm hoping for some bigger stories.
Ted: Bigger... like, a Gorilla with an upright bass? Sorry, you're very pretty.
Lily: You're playing hockey. With a basketball... and tennis rackets?
Marshall: It's Baskiceball, the greatest game ever. We invented it. it's Awesome!
Lily: Wait, Baskiceball? shouldn't it be Iceketball?
Marvin Sr.: Ice... Ket... ball? that just sounds weird.
Marcus: The game is Baskiceball. And I'm the best.
Lily: Well, maybe that's just cause you haven't seen *me* play.
[Lily throws the basketball to Marcus who throws it back to Marshall]
Marshall: Well, it's not exactly a sport for girls.
: Well, that's funny cause your brother throws like a girl!
[Lily throws the ball back to Marcus]
[Marcus throws the ball hard and hits Lily in the face]
Ted: You're not... Moby, are you?
Not Moby: Who?
Ted: The recording artist, Moby.
Not Moby: Oh, no.
Ted: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?
Not Moby: Oh, I thought you said Tony.
Ted: So your name's Tony?
Not Moby: No.
Lily: [Lily sees Barney hitting on Claudia] Oh, Hell no!
[grabs Barney by the ear and yanks him away from Claudia]
Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard until your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
Barney: [confused] Wait... my eyes? Or my testicles?
Lily: [pause, thinks about it] One of each!
Barney: Moist.
[repeated during Barney's one man show to get back at Lily]
Barney: One of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you?
Barney: Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? Other people's misfortune.
Barney: I've been in a ten-way.
Barney: Oooookay. You can stay here for two days.
Lily: [Gasps]
Barney: But I only have one rule. You can't change anything.
Lily: Why would I change anything? This place is [pauses while looking around with uneasiness] perfect. Except for the fact that you don't have a TV.
Barney: See that wall? [Grabs remote and turns on TV and they are bathed in light] Three hundred inch flat screen. They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They had to ship it over in a freakin' tugboat like King Kong.
Ted: OK, I want to lay down some ground rules for tonight. Barney, I actually like Victoria, a lot. So, don't say anything embarrass . . . don't say anything! [Marshall and Lily laugh] And Guys I haven't exactly told Victoria that I used to have a kind of thing for Robin.
Barney: Well. Well. Well. [Rubbing his chin fiendishly] How Rich. You make me promise to be on my best around your girlfriend, yet you have been lying to her since day one. Excuse me. [Reaches into his suit for his cell phone and pretends to make a call] Hi, Leg Warehouse. Yah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on. . . . . No? You don't have anything for Ted to stand on?
Marshall: Lily and Marshall Awesome... their son Totally and their daughter Freaking.
Barney: Good night, thanks for playing, see you never!
Ted: She wants casual OK. Ill be casual, Im gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual! You know why? Cause its a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily ever after thing, but you cant do that UNLESS you play the game.
Barney: Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.
Marshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs Its like were the president.
Barney: Well. Well. Well. [Rubbing his chin fiendishly] How Rich. You make me promise to be on my best around your girlfriend, yet you have been lying to her since day one. Excuse me. [Reaches into his suit for his cell phone and pretends to make a call] Hi, Leg Warehouse. Yah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on. . . . . No? You don't have anything for Ted to stand on?
Marshall: Lily and Marshall Awesome... their son Totally and their daughter Freaking.
Barney: Good night, thanks for playing, see you never!
Ted: She wants casual OK. Ill be casual, Im gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual! You know why? Cause its a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily ever after thing, but you cant do that UNLESS you play the game.
Barney: Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.
Marshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs Its like were the president.
Ted: How easy you think it would be to sneak into the zoo? I have to see some penguins, like, right now.
Marshall: All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody "wanged," everybody "chunged." Now The Kid has gotta get to work, and The Kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Ted, Lily: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Robin: Sorry I missed your party again.
Ted: Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing, mamacita!
[to Marshall and Lily]
Ted: Who am I?
Lily [to Barney]: All right! We'll go to the bar! Just stop talking!
Barney: What does Carlos have that I don't?
Robin: A date tonight?
Lily: Ooh, stop the tape, rewind, play it again!
Robin: [makes rewind sound] A date tonight?
Barney: I don't think I like her.
Marshall: So you're gonna ask her out?
Ted: Yeah - NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out, I'm ASKING HER OUT. So how do I ask her out without asking her out...
Lily: ...Did you guys get high?
[trying to act casual]
Ted: [on the phone] Hello?
Robin: Hi, Ted.
Ted: Amanda? Oh, Denise, sorry, you totally sounded like Amanda...
Robin: I don't know, Ted, I mean, we barely know each other... and you're looking at me with that look, and it's like...
Ted: Like what?
Robin: Like "Let's fall in love, and get married, and have kids and drive them to soccer practice."
Ted: I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested.
Guy #2: So where are you from, heaven?
Robin: That's right, I'm a ghost. I died fifteen years ago, kinda like that pick-up line.
Lily: Hey-Oh!
[in a cab]
Ted: Okay, where we going?
Barney: First we gotta pick someone up at the airport.
Ted: Okay, I'm leaving.
Barney: Esteban, doors!
[the doors lock]
Claire: [after talking about her weekend at a bed and breakfast] So what did you do this weekend?
[Lily thinks back to chugging a beer while her friends cheer her on. When she's done she lets out a huge belch]
Lily: Suck it, losers!
[To Claire] Nothing.
Marshall: All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody "wanged," everybody "chunged." Now The Kid has gotta get to work, and The Kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Ted, Lily: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Robin: Sorry I missed your party again.
Ted: Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing, mamacita!
[to Marshall and Lily]
Ted: Who am I?
Lily [to Barney]: All right! We'll go to the bar! Just stop talking!
Barney: What does Carlos have that I don't?
Robin: A date tonight?
Lily: Ooh, stop the tape, rewind, play it again!
Robin: [makes rewind sound] A date tonight?
Barney: I don't think I like her.
Marshall: So you're gonna ask her out?
Ted: Yeah - NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out, I'm ASKING HER OUT. So how do I ask her out without asking her out...
Lily: ...Did you guys get high?
[trying to act casual]
Ted: [on the phone] Hello?
Robin: Hi, Ted.
Ted: Amanda? Oh, Denise, sorry, you totally sounded like Amanda...
Robin: I don't know, Ted, I mean, we barely know each other... and you're looking at me with that look, and it's like...
Ted: Like what?
Robin: Like "Let's fall in love, and get married, and have kids and drive them to soccer practice."
Ted: I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested.
Guy #2: So where are you from, heaven?
Robin: That's right, I'm a ghost. I died fifteen years ago, kinda like that pick-up line.
Lily: Hey-Oh!
[in a cab]
Ted: Okay, where we going?
Barney: First we gotta pick someone up at the airport.
Ted: Okay, I'm leaving.
Barney: Esteban, doors!
[the doors lock]
Claire: [after talking about her weekend at a bed and breakfast] So what did you do this weekend?
[Lily thinks back to chugging a beer while her friends cheer her on. When she's done she lets out a huge belch]
Lily: Suck it, losers!
[To Claire] Nothing.
Barney: "Okay" is the name of a club. It's really exclusive. A friend of mine once stood outside for two hours and didn't get in.
Ted: A friend of yours named "you?"
Barney: No, a friend of mine named "Shut up!"
[entering a room]
Barney: And his hair was perfect.
Barney: My, oh, my, there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. Okay, hookup strategy, colon: Find a cutlet, lock her in early, grind with her all night 'till she's mine.
Ted: Do these strategies ever work for you?
Barney: The question is, do these strategies ever *not* work for me. Either way, the answer's "about half the time."
Marshall: Do you know what they're doing in there right now? They're watching Claire's ultrasound video. And I swear to God, even the baby looks bored.
Ted: Barney!
Barney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What? What happened to that, uh...”cutlet" you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin Leslie.
Ted: [laughing hysterically] WHAT?
Barney: No, NO!
[grabs Ted]
No. We are not laughing about this, Ted! This is not gonna be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple of months, it's not going to be like, "Hey, heh, remember that time that you were GRINDING with - " NO. And do you know why? Because, italics: This night did *not* happen. And you promise me that you will never ever *ever* tell another living soul what transpired here tonight. You promise.
Ted: Aww...
Barney: Promise!
Ted: [to the Coat Check Girl] Hey. Thanks for saving my night. I'll talk to you soon?
[Coat Check Girl smiles at him]
Hey, tip her, Barney.
Barney: Why, I didn't check a coat, and even if I did, on principle, tip jars have become so ...
Ted: [to the Coat Check Girl] Funny story, Barney was grinding with this girl all night ...
Barney: Fine!
[gives her some cash and leaves quickly]
Ted: That's a handy new trick.
Ted: I just met the perfect woman. She's funny, she's beautiful, she loves "Star Wars"...
Marshall: Woah woah woah, what's her take on Ewoks?
Ted: Loves them!
Marshall: Oh, good. I don't know why people are so cynical about Ewoks, the Rebellion would have failed without the Ewoks.
Ted: And get this: She's a marine biologist, she spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.
Marshall: Oh, penguins are cool. Kinda like black-and-white Ewoks. I approve.
[Barney is still dressed as a Devil]
Ted: I have to pee.
Barney: So go to the bathroom.
Ted: No, there's a huge line, and I don't wanna miss the Slutty Pumpkin.
Barney: So pee off the roof. Ooh! Ted. Pee off the roof.
[some guy dressed as an angel turns around]
Angel: Woah. I wouldn't do that if I were you, there's people walking down there.
Barney: Come on, Ted. Who you gonna listen to? Me or Mr. goodie-goodie over there?
Angel: Yeah, whatever, you guys got some weed?
Robin: Everyone else is off falling in love and acting stupid and goofy and sweet and insane, but not me. Why don't I want that more? I *want* to want that... am I wired wrong or something?
Ted: No... Look, you didn't want to be with me, so clearly you have abismal taste in men...
Robin: How do you do this, Ted? How do you sit out here all night, on the roof in the cold and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?
Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk...
[they laugh]
...but you're wired just fine.
Ted: A friend of yours named "you?"
Barney: No, a friend of mine named "Shut up!"
[entering a room]
Barney: And his hair was perfect.
Barney: My, oh, my, there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. Okay, hookup strategy, colon: Find a cutlet, lock her in early, grind with her all night 'till she's mine.
Ted: Do these strategies ever work for you?
Barney: The question is, do these strategies ever *not* work for me. Either way, the answer's "about half the time."
Marshall: Do you know what they're doing in there right now? They're watching Claire's ultrasound video. And I swear to God, even the baby looks bored.
Ted: Barney!
Barney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What? What happened to that, uh...”cutlet" you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin Leslie.
Ted: [laughing hysterically] WHAT?
Barney: No, NO!
[grabs Ted]
No. We are not laughing about this, Ted! This is not gonna be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple of months, it's not going to be like, "Hey, heh, remember that time that you were GRINDING with - " NO. And do you know why? Because, italics: This night did *not* happen. And you promise me that you will never ever *ever* tell another living soul what transpired here tonight. You promise.
Ted: Aww...
Barney: Promise!
Ted: [to the Coat Check Girl] Hey. Thanks for saving my night. I'll talk to you soon?
[Coat Check Girl smiles at him]
Hey, tip her, Barney.
Barney: Why, I didn't check a coat, and even if I did, on principle, tip jars have become so ...
Ted: [to the Coat Check Girl] Funny story, Barney was grinding with this girl all night ...
Barney: Fine!
[gives her some cash and leaves quickly]
Ted: That's a handy new trick.
Ted: I just met the perfect woman. She's funny, she's beautiful, she loves "Star Wars"...
Marshall: Woah woah woah, what's her take on Ewoks?
Ted: Loves them!
Marshall: Oh, good. I don't know why people are so cynical about Ewoks, the Rebellion would have failed without the Ewoks.
Ted: And get this: She's a marine biologist, she spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.
Marshall: Oh, penguins are cool. Kinda like black-and-white Ewoks. I approve.
[Barney is still dressed as a Devil]
Ted: I have to pee.
Barney: So go to the bathroom.
Ted: No, there's a huge line, and I don't wanna miss the Slutty Pumpkin.
Barney: So pee off the roof. Ooh! Ted. Pee off the roof.
[some guy dressed as an angel turns around]
Angel: Woah. I wouldn't do that if I were you, there's people walking down there.
Barney: Come on, Ted. Who you gonna listen to? Me or Mr. goodie-goodie over there?
Angel: Yeah, whatever, you guys got some weed?
Robin: Everyone else is off falling in love and acting stupid and goofy and sweet and insane, but not me. Why don't I want that more? I *want* to want that... am I wired wrong or something?
Ted: No... Look, you didn't want to be with me, so clearly you have abismal taste in men...
Robin: How do you do this, Ted? How do you sit out here all night, on the roof in the cold and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?
Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk...
[they laugh]
...but you're wired just fine.
Barney: Okay, Ted. I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter. Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance.
Ted: Are you joking?
Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment.
Robin: Have you met Ted?
Ted: I am the aforementioned Ted.
Amanda: Cool, so what do you do around here?
Ted: Well... I... uh... I do nothing, absolutely nothing.
Amanda: Well, I think I can find something for you and your girlfriend to do.
Ted: Oh, she's not my girlfriend.
Robin: I'm his ex-girlfriend. I just wasn't enough woman for him. Emotionally... or sexually.
[Robin goes up behind Amanda] Oh... my... God.
Marshall: I don't want our kids to play BaskIceball. That game's really dangerous!
Lily: Yeah, what are the rules of that game?
Marshall: There are no rules, we just wail on each other.
Lily: [Marshall, Ted and Lily discover Barney in the bathtub] What are you doing in the bathtub?
Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
Lily: Wait a minute, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it.
[Barney starts laughing and looking at Ted and Marshall]
Haha, I totally didn't sleep through it! And boy, for a little girl, you've got a big tank!
Ted: [takes first shot] Let me tell you something about this brain, okay?
[takes second shot]
Pure alcohol cannot stop this brain.
[takes third shot]
This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.
[takes fourth shot]
This is a superbrain.
[takes fifth shot]
This brain is unstoppable. This brain...
Older Ted: And that's all I remember.
Lily: Jeez, don't Ted out about it.
Marshall: Ted, how do I explain this to you. Last night, I ate the best cake of my life. Do you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Hell, no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and I'm gonna get some more cake.
Ted: That cake really got to you?
Marshall: It haunts me.
Barney: ...Because after 2 AM is when things get- audience say it with me- LEGENDARY.
Barney: Oh come on, if you don't laugh it just seems mean.
Ted: No, no, no! We're not just going to blow past this. I mean, I don't even know you people. I don't even know how you met.
Mr. Mosby: I never told you how I met your mother?
Ted: No.
Mr. Mosby: Oh, great story. At a bar!
Ted: That's it? That's what passes for communication in our family? When I have kids, and I tell them how I met their mother I'm gonna tell the everything. The whole damn story.
Mr. Mosby: ...I think it was an Irish bar.
Ted: Are you joking?
Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment.
Robin: Have you met Ted?
Ted: I am the aforementioned Ted.
Amanda: Cool, so what do you do around here?
Ted: Well... I... uh... I do nothing, absolutely nothing.
Amanda: Well, I think I can find something for you and your girlfriend to do.
Ted: Oh, she's not my girlfriend.
Robin: I'm his ex-girlfriend. I just wasn't enough woman for him. Emotionally... or sexually.
[Robin goes up behind Amanda] Oh... my... God.
Marshall: I don't want our kids to play BaskIceball. That game's really dangerous!
Lily: Yeah, what are the rules of that game?
Marshall: There are no rules, we just wail on each other.
Lily: [Marshall, Ted and Lily discover Barney in the bathtub] What are you doing in the bathtub?
Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
Lily: Wait a minute, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it.
[Barney starts laughing and looking at Ted and Marshall]
Haha, I totally didn't sleep through it! And boy, for a little girl, you've got a big tank!
Ted: [takes first shot] Let me tell you something about this brain, okay?
[takes second shot]
Pure alcohol cannot stop this brain.
[takes third shot]
This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.
[takes fourth shot]
This is a superbrain.
[takes fifth shot]
This brain is unstoppable. This brain...
Older Ted: And that's all I remember.
Lily: Jeez, don't Ted out about it.
Marshall: Ted, how do I explain this to you. Last night, I ate the best cake of my life. Do you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Hell, no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and I'm gonna get some more cake.
Ted: That cake really got to you?
Marshall: It haunts me.
Barney: ...Because after 2 AM is when things get- audience say it with me- LEGENDARY.
Barney: Oh come on, if you don't laugh it just seems mean.
Ted: No, no, no! We're not just going to blow past this. I mean, I don't even know you people. I don't even know how you met.
Mr. Mosby: I never told you how I met your mother?
Ted: No.
Mr. Mosby: Oh, great story. At a bar!
Ted: That's it? That's what passes for communication in our family? When I have kids, and I tell them how I met their mother I'm gonna tell the everything. The whole damn story.
Mr. Mosby: ...I think it was an Irish bar.
Barney: No one is turned on by a man's calves! They're a completely unerotic body part.
Marshall: You would say that because of those chicken legs.
Barney: I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.
Barney: I'm telling you, you should use the architect angle with the ladies...
Ted: First of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, the architect angle doesn't even work on her. And third, I can't imagine that working on anyone, ever.
Barney: That's 'cause you're always like,
[in a mopey, loser-ish voice]
'Ted Mosby, architect'.
[shrugs shoulders, makes dweeby face]
If it were me, I'd be like,
[speaking in a confident, assertive voice]
Ted Mosby, architect.
[points and pulls trigger on finger gun]
Anything sounds impressive when it's said with the right attitude.
Marshall: [clears throat, confidently] Marshall Erikson, recently dumped and heading to a lame party.
[looks away to imaginary hot girls]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, please, take it easy. There's enough of me for everyone.
[puts arms around two imaginary hot girls]
Hi. Hello.
[to Ted and Barney]
All right. We're gonna take off.
Barney: Wait up. I'll leave with you guys. Ted Mosby, architect. Trust me.
Barney: While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn...
Lily: Marshall does not porn.
Barney: Ha ha ha, that's sweet. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn, mine is prominently displayed and professionally lit.
Marshall: I'm not entirely comfortable with you sleeping with my constitutional law teacher.
Barney: Who would you rather have judging your paper? A savage, man-eating jungle cat, or a purring, satisfied kitten?
Marshall: Go, Barney. Go mount and stuff that cougar.
Marshall: [after having sex on the kitchen] That was a creative use of pancake syrup.
Lily: I can't even look Mrs. Butterworth in the eye.
Ted: You're afraid of the seven dwarfs?
Robin: Just Doc. He's creepy. I mean, he's got a medical degree. Why is he hanging around a bunch of coal miners?
Lily: Then there was the time they scored the brother-sister combo.
Barney: It was everything we ever dreamed of while watching Donny and Marie. She was a little bit country...
James: ...he was a little bit way into black guys.
Barney: Who do you like best? Guy in tight black tee? Tight black guy? Guy who looks like Mr. T?
James: Yes, yes, and call me after I've had two drinks.
Barney: [Sick in bed] This is a low point for the Barnacle. I should be out playing laser tag, being awesome. Don't look at me, I'm hideous!
Robin: Oh, come on. You look like a regular guy.
Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted. Look at me, I'm wearing elastic waistband fleece pants.
Robin: But they're comfy, right?
Barney: [Weakly and ashamed] Yes...
Ted: How's Barney doing?
Robin: You mean that whiny bottomless pit of neediness? He was bugging me so I spiked his echenesia tea with codeine.
Ted: You're gonna make an awesome mom?
Robin: I've never been to the Empire State Building before, but I'm glad I waited.
Lily: I haven't been to the Empire State Building either, but I'm glad I get to go with my fiancée.
Marshall: And I signed an abstinence pledge in high school, and it's totally cool. Also, stay away from drugs... except pot.
Ted: Almighty TiVo, we thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of godlike. Let's not forget fast forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, oh Magic Box. But if you malfunction and miss the Superbowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats. Amen.
Robin: Barney we're talking about 42 kilometres.
Ted: Thanks Canada, I'll take it from here: Barney! It's like 26 miles!
Older Ted: New York is famous for its theater, but there are different levels. There's Broadway; off-Broadway; off-off-Broadway; homeless people screaming in the park; and below that, the play your Aunt Lily was in.
Barney: I have to side with Robin on this one. Your apartment is so over cluttered. What, do you live in a Bennigan's?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, or a Denby's?
[Others look confused]
Robin: You don't have Denby's? Where do you get your grizzly ice-cream cones?
Ted: Just let it go.
Marshall: You would say that because of those chicken legs.
Barney: I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.
Barney: I'm telling you, you should use the architect angle with the ladies...
Ted: First of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, the architect angle doesn't even work on her. And third, I can't imagine that working on anyone, ever.
Barney: That's 'cause you're always like,
[in a mopey, loser-ish voice]
'Ted Mosby, architect'.
[shrugs shoulders, makes dweeby face]
If it were me, I'd be like,
[speaking in a confident, assertive voice]
Ted Mosby, architect.
[points and pulls trigger on finger gun]
Anything sounds impressive when it's said with the right attitude.
Marshall: [clears throat, confidently] Marshall Erikson, recently dumped and heading to a lame party.
[looks away to imaginary hot girls]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, please, take it easy. There's enough of me for everyone.
[puts arms around two imaginary hot girls]
Hi. Hello.
[to Ted and Barney]
All right. We're gonna take off.
Barney: Wait up. I'll leave with you guys. Ted Mosby, architect. Trust me.
Barney: While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn...
Lily: Marshall does not porn.
Barney: Ha ha ha, that's sweet. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn, mine is prominently displayed and professionally lit.
Marshall: I'm not entirely comfortable with you sleeping with my constitutional law teacher.
Barney: Who would you rather have judging your paper? A savage, man-eating jungle cat, or a purring, satisfied kitten?
Marshall: Go, Barney. Go mount and stuff that cougar.
Marshall: [after having sex on the kitchen] That was a creative use of pancake syrup.
Lily: I can't even look Mrs. Butterworth in the eye.
Ted: You're afraid of the seven dwarfs?
Robin: Just Doc. He's creepy. I mean, he's got a medical degree. Why is he hanging around a bunch of coal miners?
Lily: Then there was the time they scored the brother-sister combo.
Barney: It was everything we ever dreamed of while watching Donny and Marie. She was a little bit country...
James: ...he was a little bit way into black guys.
Barney: Who do you like best? Guy in tight black tee? Tight black guy? Guy who looks like Mr. T?
James: Yes, yes, and call me after I've had two drinks.
Barney: [Sick in bed] This is a low point for the Barnacle. I should be out playing laser tag, being awesome. Don't look at me, I'm hideous!
Robin: Oh, come on. You look like a regular guy.
Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted. Look at me, I'm wearing elastic waistband fleece pants.
Robin: But they're comfy, right?
Barney: [Weakly and ashamed] Yes...
Ted: How's Barney doing?
Robin: You mean that whiny bottomless pit of neediness? He was bugging me so I spiked his echenesia tea with codeine.
Ted: You're gonna make an awesome mom?
Robin: I've never been to the Empire State Building before, but I'm glad I waited.
Lily: I haven't been to the Empire State Building either, but I'm glad I get to go with my fiancée.
Marshall: And I signed an abstinence pledge in high school, and it's totally cool. Also, stay away from drugs... except pot.
Ted: Almighty TiVo, we thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of godlike. Let's not forget fast forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, oh Magic Box. But if you malfunction and miss the Superbowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats. Amen.
Robin: Barney we're talking about 42 kilometres.
Ted: Thanks Canada, I'll take it from here: Barney! It's like 26 miles!
Older Ted: New York is famous for its theater, but there are different levels. There's Broadway; off-Broadway; off-off-Broadway; homeless people screaming in the park; and below that, the play your Aunt Lily was in.
Barney: I have to side with Robin on this one. Your apartment is so over cluttered. What, do you live in a Bennigan's?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, or a Denby's?
[Others look confused]
Robin: You don't have Denby's? Where do you get your grizzly ice-cream cones?
Ted: Just let it go.
Ted: [Marshall asks Ted if he can give him a ride college to Ohio] First of all, my parents live in Ohio. I live in the moment.
Robin: Sounds like you had quite an accident.
Ted: Actually, two accidents, if you count...
Barney: humina, hummina, hummina!
Barney: What?
James: What?
Barney: What?
James: What?
Barney: Popozao!
Barney: Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Wrong! The correct answer is: No, I want to stay single and have fun with my awesome friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can find someone who's hotter than Ted?
[pause]
Correct! The correct answer is awkward silence.
Marshall: [giving Ted his sword] I hate to break up the set, but you're going to need it.
Robin: He's right. My building is infested with dragons.
Marshall: It's my bachelor party. We're not having strippers.
Barney: Ahhhh, he thinks he has a say in it. So, strippers it is!
Robin: I didn't know you were such a big Price is Right fan.
Barney: Are you kidding? TPIR is not just an insanely entertaining show, it's a microcosm of our economic system, a capitalist utopia where contestants are rewarded for their business accumen, fast reflexes, and unbridled enthusiasm. I look at The Price is Right, and I look at the face of America, and it is divine. Plus, you know, hot girls on sports cars.
Barney: Are you sure you can spend two weeks away from Lily?
Marshall: Of course I can.
Lily: Oh, Marshall, don't forget my night-night tape.
Barney: You made a tape of yourself saying, "night, night"?
Lily: Of course not. He sings it.
Barney: Could you kiss each other? I love it when two chicks kiss.
Barney: Getting married... Having kids... Its all a mistake... Horibble horibble mistake!
Wedding Videographer: This guy is giving me nothing!
Barney: The real Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
Marshall: British words are cool. Also, their lawyers wear wigs. I wore a wig at work once and they laughed at me.
Robin: Sounds like you had quite an accident.
Ted: Actually, two accidents, if you count...
Barney: humina, hummina, hummina!
Barney: What?
James: What?
Barney: What?
James: What?
Barney: Popozao!
Barney: Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Wrong! The correct answer is: No, I want to stay single and have fun with my awesome friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can find someone who's hotter than Ted?
[pause]
Correct! The correct answer is awkward silence.
Marshall: [giving Ted his sword] I hate to break up the set, but you're going to need it.
Robin: He's right. My building is infested with dragons.
Marshall: It's my bachelor party. We're not having strippers.
Barney: Ahhhh, he thinks he has a say in it. So, strippers it is!
Robin: I didn't know you were such a big Price is Right fan.
Barney: Are you kidding? TPIR is not just an insanely entertaining show, it's a microcosm of our economic system, a capitalist utopia where contestants are rewarded for their business accumen, fast reflexes, and unbridled enthusiasm. I look at The Price is Right, and I look at the face of America, and it is divine. Plus, you know, hot girls on sports cars.
Barney: Are you sure you can spend two weeks away from Lily?
Marshall: Of course I can.
Lily: Oh, Marshall, don't forget my night-night tape.
Barney: You made a tape of yourself saying, "night, night"?
Lily: Of course not. He sings it.
Barney: Could you kiss each other? I love it when two chicks kiss.
Barney: Getting married... Having kids... Its all a mistake... Horibble horibble mistake!
Wedding Videographer: This guy is giving me nothing!
Barney: The real Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
Marshall: British words are cool. Also, their lawyers wear wigs. I wore a wig at work once and they laughed at me.
Ted: Alright, I'm ready. Let's hit it.
Marshall: Can't go. Tournament.
Ted: What so you mean? I suited up!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got that low maintenance, just rolled out of bed look.
Marshall: Yeah, which takes an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!
Barney: Let's see how she's doing. At the beginning of the night, she started here. As the night progressed, she has not gotten any hotter, but she has drifted past the Vicky Mendoza diagonal, and dangerously close to the Shelly Galezby area. Another girl I dated. She gained ten pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.
Barney: Did you just say, and I'm quoting here, that Canadian Thanksgiving is the "real Thanksgiving"? I mean, what do Canadians even have to be thankful "aboot"?
Robin: Thanksgiving celebrates explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant but failed attempt to find a passage west.
Barney: How are you guys even a country?
Robin: That story made me want to join that gym so that when I get strong I can punch you in the face.
Ted: You know what? Let's do it.
Lily: Yes, let's all punch Barney in the face.
Ted: Robin and I had a moment at the gym today.
[earlier at the gym, Ted walks in on Robin grunting loudly as she bench presses]
You know how some exes can't be friends because of all that lingering sexual tension?
Robin: Yeah?
Ted: Gone. Thank you.
Marshall: Can't go. Tournament.
Ted: What so you mean? I suited up!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got that low maintenance, just rolled out of bed look.
Marshall: Yeah, which takes an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!
Barney: Let's see how she's doing. At the beginning of the night, she started here. As the night progressed, she has not gotten any hotter, but she has drifted past the Vicky Mendoza diagonal, and dangerously close to the Shelly Galezby area. Another girl I dated. She gained ten pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.
Barney: Did you just say, and I'm quoting here, that Canadian Thanksgiving is the "real Thanksgiving"? I mean, what do Canadians even have to be thankful "aboot"?
Robin: Thanksgiving celebrates explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant but failed attempt to find a passage west.
Barney: How are you guys even a country?
Robin: That story made me want to join that gym so that when I get strong I can punch you in the face.
Ted: You know what? Let's do it.
Lily: Yes, let's all punch Barney in the face.
Ted: Robin and I had a moment at the gym today.
[earlier at the gym, Ted walks in on Robin grunting loudly as she bench presses]
You know how some exes can't be friends because of all that lingering sexual tension?
Robin: Yeah?
Ted: Gone. Thank you.
Okay, I get that there's a rule that friends don't sleep with their friend's exes, but I don't like it when people get so possessive about people they're not even dating anymore.
And it's not like it was on purpose. It's not like he was like, "Hey! Let's screw Ted over!"
I could understand if Ted was worried Barney was going to hurt her, but she's a big girl. She can take care of herself. Also, from what I've seen, he wouldn't do that to her.
(And the thing that kind of bugs me is that, for now, it looks like the Barney/Robin thing is not going to happen any time soon.)
And it's not like it was on purpose. It's not like he was like, "Hey! Let's screw Ted over!"
I could understand if Ted was worried Barney was going to hurt her, but she's a big girl. She can take care of herself. Also, from what I've seen, he wouldn't do that to her.
(And the thing that kind of bugs me is that, for now, it looks like the Barney/Robin thing is not going to happen any time soon.)