Help~ What should I do?

  1. 2007 has turned out to be a year full of drama and stress for me so far. You know how they say honesty is the best policy and how you're supposed to be honest with your partner/SO/spouse/whatever? Well I'm completely regretting that right now. I really need you guys' advice on this one because I don't know what to do. I was going to post this last night but I was just not in the right state of mind to do it.

    Here's the situation. I told my SO that I was laid off. Well, that turned out to be a BAD move on my part because now he was pressuring me even more to move to Singapore. Don't get me wrong, I have NO problem with moving ANYWHERE as long as I can find a job that pays me the market rate (but have to be equivalent or more than my last job's salary). My SO kept insisting that the standard of living in Singapore is lower than that of the U.S. and I have no idea where he got that idea.

    I've been doing research for months now, speaking with family friends who have lived in SG and US most of their lives as well as researching the cost of living index. A study done by Mercer Consulting Group (which is a very reputable source) had shown Singapore to be amongst the top 10 in terms of standard of living, waaaaay before Los Angeles. Therefore, logically speaking, I should be making even more money in SG than in the U.S..

    Unfortunately, he doesn't understand that. He kept saying because i wouldn't have a car and would not need to pay for insurance and gas, I don't need to make as much money. He also said that I don't need to pay for rent because he would be paying for it, therefore I could live comfortably there. He just did NOT get it!!!

    I told him I absolutely cannot move there if the paycheck isn't good. And he said that if I want to find a job in SG, I need to move there first because otherwise people would not want to bother interviewing me if I were in the U.S.. Well, I've been using a SG address and contact phone# for all the resumes that got submitted to job openings in the U.S. (with the exception of a few) and NOBODY has contacted me! That shows that my qualification is NOT appealing at all.

    I explained that to my SO and he just wouldn't understand. He kept saying I should stay in SG for 3 months and try to look for a job. And if I can't find one, then I come back to the U.S.. He said I had nothing to lose because I have citizenship in the U.S..

    Now, the reason he wanted me to move to SG is that his sister and her fiance (who run the company that my SO was working for) was thinking of exiting the market and they wanted him to be the COO and take over. He said that he could NOT do this without me being there. He said he needed my emotional and mental support by being physically there. Then he said "Behind every successful man, there's a great woman."

    Well geez, what about MY emotional support?! Where the hell was he in past 3 years when I was all alone and going through my rough time?! Ok, so maybe I'm too modern or something in my thinking but WHY must I be the one to sacrifice everything just because I'm female?

    Here's another thing that I just don't get. He said if I decide to go back to the U.S. after not being able to find a job by staying in SG for 3 months, then he would give up the opportunity he had in SG and come back with me as well. I do NOT understand this. I told him NOT to give it up. I said he should be the COO if he thinks the company will thrive and that I have absolutely NO problem with doing long distance for another couple of years but apparently he couldn't because he said he couldn't do this by himself.

    Now, the reason I cannot do 3 months in SG is that I have several job leads at the moment. Granted, I hadn't done any interviews yet but if successful, these are positions that will actually pay me at market rate. I mean, opportunities like this may never come again ... A lot of times, finding the right job has to do with timing as well.

    Here's the thing, I've been with this guy for 4 years now. We are similar and we get along very well except for disagreements on how money should be spent and couple of other small things. I know I complain about him from time to time but he is the one person in the world who understands me the most (aside from my family), not to mention that he and I do get along very well in comparison to other couples that I've seen . He is a nice guy and a good person, but it's just that this long-distance and career thing had been a major issue with us.

    I'm already willing to compromise by moving to Singapore in the future. I don't think it was too much to ask if I wanted to stay in the U.S. for a few more years, make more money, get my CFA and what not before moving there. I told him I have to get a CFA because since he wasn't planning on staying in SG forever (yeah, yet he wanted me to move), I don't want to do the same stupid dance of finding a job and being frustrated again if he move to some other country. He didn't want me to get a CFA because he thinks that would limit my scope. It is just plain frustrating.

    Right now, I told him I can only stay in SG til my severance package runs out. He said that I need 3 months to find a job because ppl there are not very efficient (Huh? My impression of SG is that they're extremely efficient). Well, I can't do 3 months. I'm already stretching it by staying til my severance package run out because when that happens, I won't have any income. Furthermore, I cannot lose the job lead I have right now ... The headhunters may not want to work with me again if I bail out on them ...

    I don't know, what should I do? I mean, should I just go to SG and really try to find a job there by staying there for 3 months? Or should I just stay til the severance package is up and try to hold onto my job leads here (not sure how I can do that though)??
     
  2. In my rush to type this out, I've made some typos. The highlighted area should read "I have been using a SG address and SG contact# for all the resumes that got submitted for job openings in Singapore", not "U.S.". For the US openings, I use my US address. The fact is, in spite of having SG contact info on my CV, NO companies in SG have contacted me. i think that's a good indication of my LACK of qualification there, why do I need to stay 3 months?
     
  3. :sad: what a bummer!

    you sound like a very sweet and intelligent woman who already knows what the answer is

    you're not going to singapore.

    it would be a great opportunity for him but i cannot understand why he can't do this without you there everyday? long distance, you can visit him, there's video cams as well as very cheap phone cards, not to mention internet and text msging?

    i really thing that having a job and being a bit independent is important to you and most of all, i don't think it is fair that he inserted that line, "behind every successful man there is a woman..."

    um, that's harsh! i think everyone needs to feel like they're needed or have something to contribute to this world, but it shouldn't be focused on primarily one thing (him) because God forbid anything happen it's like your world comes crashing down and there's nothing to keep you on?

    that's too extreme but i'm horrible with words, this is the best i can do
     
  4. ^^ I agree. But at the end of it all, you only live once, plans don't always work out in the ways that you expect them to. Follow your heart (and brain). It'll lead you to the right place. Good luck!
     
  5. I think he's trying to be supportive in his own way. I think you are looking out for yourself and that's great. Why not stay and consider leads in the US and if that doesn't work, then try SG? I think you should definitely consider getting the CFA! It won't limit your scope at all.
     
  6. i would say no that is not what i want to do unless i find a job there
     
  7. I guess I'm missing something, but you say you don't want to leave cause you want a job that pays equal or more than what you were getting in the US. Ok, but if you're not going to have to deal with a car payment and insurance, nor rent, and the rates of pay are probably higher in Singapore so when you do find a job, it will probably be more than what you made here. Soooo, what's the big deal? This is your SO, right? I'd think you'd want to be with him if you could, and the fact that you now don't have a job here seems like a great chance to move, be with him, and kind of start from scratch over there. If you can stay with him for free temporarily, and not have to pay for a car, you should be able to get a temp job until you find the one you're looking for. Also, for you CFA, have you looked into online classes or local classes over there?
    Maybe cause I'm more of a go with the flow kind of guy, but I say move and see what happens.
     
  8. I guess if you can sustain a long distance relationship for longer than stay in the US securing a job here is your number one priority. Where are you planning on going with this, how long do you guys plan to live in separate countries. As you can see jobs come and go. I guess it really depends on what is more important to you at the momment. Better job in US or okay job in Singapore and with your guy. I supose talking it out with your SO and laying down the cards would give you an idea of where he stands to where you stand. If you don't see a future with him or are unwilling to comprimise on both ends (his and yours) than just follow your gut.

    (It is not to say that you won't strike out or hit the jackpot with either, thats the funny thing about the future. Who knows.)

    ETA: I see you are a financial analyst in your other thread, but don't have a CFA? I would get that for sure if you plan on staying in that industry. It would help with job prospects and your own development.
     
  9. <<<<hugs>>>>

    Kou, I know this is a really hard time for you and you've spent a lot of time thinking about the right next step for yourself. You're a smart, talented, person and you deserve the best!!

    I agree with ms-whitney's observation that having a job and being independent is really important to you! Don't compromise or flex, or else you'll end up having regrets...that's a pretty bad place to be in.

    Follow up on the job leads in the US, while continuing to look in SG. You could you do this in the US or SG since you have a good set up for potential employers to reach you, no matter where you are physically located. I'll do everything I can to help ya...

    At the same time, I urge you to have a deep heart-to-heart talk with your SO to get at the root issues and come to an agreement (even it's an agreement to disagree!) on both of your career goals, living locations, etc. and how you provide emotional support to each other. I'm worried he is expecting it all from you while not thinking (or being willing??) to give you the same emotional support that YOU need!!!

    Like snoozle said, lay it out and follow your gut instinct...it will help you make a decision for yourself that you will ultimately be happy with, now and in years' time!!

    Please know I and many other PFers are behind you 100%!!! :heart: Good luck and keep me posted!!! :flowers:
     
  10. actually I am/was kind of in the same situation as you- I say was bec I am happy about the changes ahead of me - NOW. when I entered my marriage I knew that I would have to move to another country/continent eventually due to my hubby's work committments - they cannot be changed as they would cost as a house (literally!). however, in the beginning it was not easy, even though I was fully prepared for it if you know what i mean. i thought of all the chances I had etc work-wise and wasn't sure whether I would have these over there. my hubby was amazing, telling me I could stay and we would work it out etc but this is not reality. even though I liked that he did not push me the truth is that we have to be together - anyway we have a child now so that changed my perspective. as I understand you will move to SG eventually?

    have you been there? I mean do you know the place? if not this is a good chance to check it out. I think Charles idea is good - you should be able to do your CFA there as well, I am sure they have exported it already. or is it possible that you just don't want to move to SG?
    in the end you can talk any situation nice or bad, you know what I mean? I have gotten over my prospective career and am ready for anything - well I HAVE to work but whatever it is it will make me happy. why not work with your SO? for me that would be perfection but it is not possible for us :sad:. anyway, just give it a try, you can always leave....
     
  11. ^^ITA Your SO's suggestion sounds reasonable to me. If you were thinking of moving to SG anyway, now seems like good time to do it IMO.
     
  12. Kou, you've posted many times about the same issues with your fiance. I agree with the other ladies who have pointed out numerous times that he's just not right for you. When are you going to be ready to move on? It doesn't sound like much is ever right between you guys. You should not move to SG just because he wants you there, especially when his life goals don't match up with yours.
     

  13. ITA with this as well.

    I keep seeing you post that you want to make market value or more. What exactly is market value? Salary figures on the web are incredibly innaccurate. Salaries depend on expenience, education, and location. An High School Grad in New Jersey with 10 years of experience in Computer Sciences does not make the same as an Oracle Certified person with 5 years of experience in Chicago. Guess which one makes more?

    If you are not going to accept jobs based on what you think you should make....you may be waiting for awhile. Most people do not make market value at their jobs.
     
  14. i dunno any history about you and your SO, but it seems to me that he values career and your relationship equally, as indicated by the fact that he wants to move back to US with you if you decide not to stay in SG past 3 months and take a risk on his career for this relationship....whereas you're facing a risk right now in terms of your career in moving to SG, but you're unwilling to take this risk for sake of the relationship. in short, it seems to me that he's willing to take a risk on his career for this relationship, but you're not.

    in the end, you need to do whatever you know you won't regret in the future. if you go to SG and give up the leads you have now, and you break up with your SO, are you going to really kick yourself? compare that possible feeling to the feeling you may have if you follow these job leads and eventually break up with your SO because you guys can't do long distance. which one would you hate feeling more?
     
  15. First can I say that Mercer report is flawed and it's a bit like Moody's giving a random bank Aaa rating when Citigroup gets less. It is subject to serious currency fluctuations. I have been messing about in London, New York (18 months), Tokyo (1 year), Hong Kong (1 year), Singapore (1 year) and I can assure you that Singapore is the cheapest of these. How can I demonstrate it to you? Forget the complex tables, see how much a taxi ride for 1km costs in relation to your hourly wage and that is the best benchmark you can get.

    I have to agree with Charles and lara0112 here because I believe that in a relationship someone has to make a sacrifice to keep the boat together. Who is it going to be? Only the couple can decide that but it is usually the one whose sacrifice will have the least adverse impact; I think I can tell you this now because I will never ever go back to work again (and so I will be spending a lot of time with every lovely lady here :heart:) but heck, I even gave up my $5,000,000 a year investment bank trader job for a baby with my husband even though he gets 20x less than what I was paid! If I may take the worst possible scenario, I really do think that this may eventually boil down into the choice between your SO and Singapore or your career in USA - the long distance thingy has to come to a conclusion in one way or another and it will be you alone to make the decision but let's hope I am seriously wrong.

    As for the CFA, you can get it anywhere in the world and they are all identical so I do not think either choice would affect your intentions to have the qualification in anyway. I am going to stop mumbling now because it is way past midnight and I have to go to sleep :p.