has anyone here gone through a divorce?

meowgal

meowgal

Member
Nov 14, 2005
466
0
#1
Hubby and I have been fighting steadly the last month or so. Tonight I was told he wants to divorce-

I cannot stop crying. I know we have problems, but I asked for a marriage councelor. He doesn't want any of that.

Has anyone gone through this? Any advice? The only good thng is we don't have children, which I am grateful. And it should be amicable, once he vacates my apartment.


Thank you girls. I wish I could stop crying.
 
#2
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, meowgal. :sad:

I haven't been through a divorce, myself, but I'm sure many people on tPF have and have survived.

Some may have even become stronger because of it.

I'm sure someone will be able to help you soon. :flowers:
 
#3
Yes, I have been through a divorce and it does suck! I am very sorry for you.

Although sometimes people say things they don't mean in the heat of an argument!?! He may not really want a divorce once he has time too cool down!?! I wish you the best of luck!
 
#4
Meowgal...I am sorry that you are going through this! My hubby and I have just celebrated out 10th wedding anniversary, but I would say in the first 5 years of our marriage, he probably said he wanted a divorce about 4 times. Each time I would go through days of crying and trauma, say it was a bad decision, etc... and then things would work out. Finaly after the last time...I said "OK", and I think it shocked him...that was 5 years ago, and the last I have ever heard about divorce!
I can't say if your husband really want a divorce or not, but I do think that you cannot make someone stay if they want to go. Also...I hope you know that the only person responsible for his happiness is him, likewise for you. All you can do is ride the storm, while keeping your head high, and know that in the end whatever is the outcome, you will be OK!!
 
#5
I have been through a divorce and now I see it was the best thing for the both of us. But as the others have said you are having some problems so in the heat of the argument it might just be what he felt at that moment. No matter what happens always remember time heals all wounds and God dosest close a door without opening another for you.
Take good care and feel free to vent here all you need. We are all here for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
 
#6
I'm sorry :sad:

I went through a divorce about 5 years ago, it was pretty hard since we had a 3.5 year old at the time. If he is adamant about not seeing a counselor, then it should take only a couple months for your divorce to be final from start to finish, as long as you don't argue over property.

I hope things go smoothly and i'm sorry thing didn't work out.
 
#7
Dear meowgal, I am sooo sorry to hear about your troubles! I have been through a divorce...the subject was just thrown at me more or less out of the blue during an argument and I was devastated even tho we'd been having our problems. Unfortunately even tho my ex said he only "thought" he wanted a divorce, and agreed to go to counseling, his mind was all ready made up so all that happened was that my suffering was prolonged uneccessarily while he tried to assuage his conscience by going thru the motions. You don't want that!! It is very hard and some days you may think you will never stop hurting...but you will. Trust me on that. Just get him out of your apt., limit your contact with him to legal stuff only, and surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Don't humiliate yourself by begging him to change his mind if it's clear he won't. Hold your head up and get through one day at a time. You can do it!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
 
#8
Let's not be hasty to jump to the conclusion that a divorce is necessary. Both of you need to calm down for a few days, and then try to have a sensible discussion to sort out your problems, and decide if it is necessary to get professional counseling.

Men generally do not like to let out feelings and thoughts in front of strangers. Maybe this is why he said no to counseling. In addition, in the heat of the moment arguing, he was completely tuned out to any suggestion, let alone talking to strangers about private matters. However when he calms down enough to have a civil discussion with you, he may change his mind when he sees the counseling step necessary.

Long ago, my husband and I used to fight to the point of suggesting a divorce as well. Now XX years later, we are very much in love and are thankful for each other's company. So it is very common in marriages that couples fight and suggest a divorce during heated arguments. I know you are very hurt by this suggestion. Yet, I do not think he feels good either. I guess you too fell madly in love when you got married, and that you have shared many wonderful years together. Some of those intimate feelings must still linger in both of your minds such that it is worth your efforts to work out your problems together.

Do not give up so easily. The key to a successful marriage is communication and understanding.
 
#9
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm not married, but I know that something like this can be devastating. I hope that things will work out & it will one way or another. Just remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will survive =)
 
#10
So sorry to hear this happened *hugs*
but as the girls said..you never know he might not even mean it cause people can say stupid things when they're upset.
and if he's really insisting on it then there's not much you can do and you'll be better off without him since he wants out.
You will find happiness somewhere else if not with him.
Don't worry your heart out. we're all here for you and we wish you happiness :heart:
 
#11
I have not, but my sister has. (((hugs))) to you. I'm so sorry that he isn't even open to counseling. Can you see a counselor for yourself? With the right expert, you can really empower yourself and develop good coping skills for tough times, and not just "white knuckle" your way thru it.

Best wishes.:heart: This is a safe place to vent and unload.
 
#12
Meowgal, I have a long thread on here called "Help...Divorce Question". Look it up under search and it might offer some solice and comfort from the words that were given to me during my first days after my husband asked for a divorce back in October. I know exactly how you feel. My husband totally refused counseling as well and I asked everyone when would the tears stop. I cried for three weeks straight. But they do stop eventually, but the emotions remain under the surface and are easy to resurface anytime I talk about the situation with people for the first time. But I am currently in the divorce process now and coping well now. I am making life changes that are new to me and sometimes very daunting, but I am determined to move on because I have no choice but to do so. We were married 18 years when my husband asked for a divorce out the blue. So I sympathize with you for however long you were married. But you will be ok and time will make the tears slow down. Each time you cry, you are purging him from your system and one day, the tears will be gone and you will be doing your normal routine without knowing or realizing it. This is not to say to give up on your marriage if there is still hope. But if all is lost, you will be able to make it and the tears and fears will subside. Please read my thread and it will definitely help you with the loving and encouraging words for anyone going thru divorce. I still read it for encouraging words to help me when I am down because divorce is an emotional rollercoaster, but it can be weathered. So I wish you all the luck with reconciliation, but if not, you will be OK. Time will heal you and the tears will cease to flow eventually.
 
#13
meowgal, I'm so sorry to hear that your hubby is talking about divorce. I've been there, and it does indeed suck. Hopefully it was just something he said out of anger and frustration, but if not, you will be OK. It can take a little while, but the tears do stop and the hurt does fade. In the meantime, be sure you are eating, sleeping, and exercising enough. That can make a huge difference in your emotional well-being.

I hate to sound cold and businesslike, but one of the first things you need to do is look realistically at your finances. Will you be OK without his income? Are your finances combined or separate? If it is even remotely possible that he might clean out your joint bank accounts or max out your credit cards, please take steps to be sure that can't happen. (It sounds unreasonable, but people do crazy things while a marriage is breaking up.) It's important that you have your own bank account at the very least.

Don't be afraid to use your support system - friends, family, community (including us!) are there to help you. Even if he won't go to counseling, it might not hurt for you to go on your own, just so you have an unbiased place to vent. You are not alone. :flowers:
 
#14
I am so sorry you are going through this. A couple of our friends are in the middle of a rather nasty divorce so although I can't say I can relate I totally understand it's a difficult situation. I know for some people when they argue they threw out 'divorce' as a threat even though they don't really mean it. My parents did that a couple of times and it was very traumatic for the kids to hear. The only thing you can do now is to take care of yourself, let things cool down a little bit, and see if your husband is willing to talk more. The friends who are getting a divorce now, I think there was a miscommunication and when the word 'dirvorce' was thrown around by the husband the wife took it very seriously and was deeply hurt, and it was the wife who now insists on a divorce and the husband deeply regrets threating her with one in the first place. But I think they've gone beyond the point of return, unfortunately.

So I hope in your hsuband's case it was just a heat of the moment thing and I hope you two can work things out. <<<HUGS>>>
 
#15
Aw! I am SO sorry!

Maybe it was in the heat of the moment.
Maybe it wasn't. But you weren't happy. He wasn't happy. He doesn't want counselling. Both of you would be happier apart.

A divorce a death of a marriage. You need to fully mourn your marriage. Talk to a counselor or talk to us. We'll listen to you.
 
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