Funeral Etiquette: Advice Needed

  1. My best friends Mother died last weekend after a fairly short yet cruel and somewhat unusual illness and now I am left in a quandary about two aspects of how to handle things.

    My housemate (who I think I am in love with but that is not the issue here!) is adamant that he is going to come to the funeral with me as the news has hit me VERY hard due to losing my own mother when I was 16 (I'm 25 now) and having my best friends Mother become like a Mum to me, so yeah, I'm suffering. I don't know how appropriate it is for him to come with me though, I feel like I really want him to be there with me but as he doesn't know my best friend all that well..... any advice? I just feel that if I have some support there then I can be of more of a support for her, plus, I have to drive 70 miles each way to go to the funeral - his thinking is also that he will drive so I don't have to.

    My second dilemma is that I have a black outfit, nice black trouser suit with a shirt but no black shoes. I have one pair but can only stand to wear them for about an hour before my feet start to cry and will be on my feet all day at the funeral and wake! I wanted to ask if it was appropriate to wear the black outfit with a pair of red heels with a red handbag as they're the only smart shoes I have as I normally live in trainers!

    Any advice gratefully received - sorry for the rambling, hope this makes sense! :confused1:
  2. It's fine for your housemate to come with you. I think he is being very supportive. He may be able to offer his help in some way when you are there with your friend (get you water, tissues, etc)

    I think the red is generally a no-no at a funeral; someone once showed up at a funeral in a red dress and I was a bit floored by that. It might have been the only dress she had tho.

    It depends on the ceremony if it is a solemn one, or one where everyone is chatting up memories then you might be able to get away with red shoes. Can you buy a pair of comfortable black flats or loafers?
  3. ^ITA.

    Yes on the housemate, no on the red shoes. You'll have to either suffer in your uncomfy black ones or buy a new pair.

    I am very sorry for your loss.
  4. So sorry for your loss *hugs* best wishes to your friends.
    I think it's totally fine if your house mate went along with you, no reason you should drive that much all alone tbh. you are in no shape to be alone.

    and I'm sorry but I don't think the red shoes or a red bag are a good idea :s
    isn't there any way you could just go to any shoe store and get a comfy pair of shoes quickly? or no time?

    Best Wishes to you & your friend :flowers:
  5. First, by all means, have your housemate accompany you. Support is always welcomed.
    As far as your outfit, it depends on the atmosphere and what traditions the family holds at funerals. Its a tough call unless you know the family well. I personally do not wear black at funerals (I don't wear loud colors either) just something respectful. The only problem I see with wearing red shoes is the attention they will draw to your feet since you are wearing black and I don't know if you want that distraction (people are very sensitive at times like these KWIM?). But you know these people - I don't. If you don't think they will care - go for it. But since you are doubting, I'm thinking they will? Do you have time to pick up a pair of comfortable black shoes?

    and oh my goodness how insensitive am I??? So very sorry for your loss. Big long hug to you.
  6. First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.

    I think it would be fine if your friend wanted to come with you. You shouldn't be alone.

    I agree with the others. Red isn't a good idea. (Buy a pair of black ballet flats. You can find a really cute pair in Payless. That's where I got mine.)

    (Even with, say, an Irish wake, it would not be a good idea to wear the red. My aunt wore a red dress to my grandmother's funeral and let's just say it wasn't recieved well.)
  7. Yes to 1

    No to 2. Like Caitlin said, run to Payless and pick up a decent looking pair of black kitten heels or flats for 30 bucks.

    And I'm sorry to hear of your loss. :sad:
  8. Thanks Ladies for the support & the advice - guess I'll have to have a rethink about the shoes, I'm a UK size 12 so shoe choices are quite limited but I guess I can just suck it up, take some ibuprofen and wear the painful ones.

  9. Try to find some cheap black ballerina flats you can wear again later.
  10. Red shoes would not be appropriate. Sorry for your friend's loss and your own.
  11. sorry for your loss. Wear the black shoes - if you are standing a lot, you can just slip out of them - i am sure nobody will notice. if they do, they will understand....
  12. Sorry for your loss.

    Of course it would be fine to take your friend for support, but absolutely no to the red shoes & bag. As others say just get a cheap pair of black!
  13. I am so sorry for the loss of both Mothers. :cry:

    I definately think your friend will understand your roommate accompanying you. If you are worried about it, maybe you can say something a few days later about how it helped that your roommate drove you down and held your hand.

    I think you should definately let her know how her Mother was like a Mother to you. I think you should rethink the uncomfortable black shoes things too and run to the store and get comfy black shoes. Worst case, borrow from someone else. But please wear something comfortable.

    I went to a wake once where I wore uncomfortable shoes and had to keep sitting down. I felt bad that I could not stand by my friend and the whole time my mind was focused on the pain in the swollen feet. Eventually I made a judgement call and took off the shoes so I could stand with my friend.

    I just dont want you to be in a situation like mine. I know it is last minute so you cannot exactly shop around for a good deal. But I would still recommend getting comfy black shoes. You are in the UK so I do not know the stores there, but maybe just go into any "old lady" shoes store and get black flats. It really wont matter and style will not be on your mind there. What is important is that they are comfortable. You might need to stand next to her as she goes around talking to everyone and you might need to stay later than other guest to be with your friend to support her.

    I think it will help you too if you can stand with your friend as you suffered a loss too.

    I am so sorry and do not even know what to say. May God help you through this time. ::BIG HUGS::
  14. I am sorry to hear about both your moms.

    And I hope you can find some black shoes, the wrong shoes at a funeral can be very distracting.

    I took the train up to New Jersey for my grandpa's funeral and I left my bag with my shoes, water bottles and sweater in the car when I was dropped at the train station.

    The entire day, people kept on asking me why I wasn't wearing any shoes and weren't my feet cold, etc. (it was the end of December and I wore flip flops on the train because I was too sleepy to put on my heels at 5:00 am when we left) and I felt awful that my inappopriate shoes distracted people from the purpose of us being there.
  15. I am very sorry for these sad events that have touched your life. The best that can be said about losing a mother is that it will never happen to you again.

    Take your friend with you, but before you go, go to the store and get a pair of comfortable flat black shoes, something simple like Rockports or Grasshoppers. You may be on your feet a lot, you do not need to be thinking about them, nobody is going to be looking at them. And be sure and wear your new flat black shoes for a day or so, wear them out of the store and use the rest of your trip shopping and errands to make sure there are no pressure points that need to be addressed or anything, even though that is very unlikely, as any of the leading brands of walking shoes are made to be comfortable out of the box for just about everybody.

    Hem up your pants if they are too long without heels, or wear different pants.