FRIENDSHIPS..R U a GIVER OR A TAKER?!
- Thread starter Beach Bum
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I've dumped a lot of friends over the last year, who are just too distant or just do not seem to care, ones that I had in high school. Time to move on for me. I'm a physical giver (I do a lot of stuff for my friends, any time they need favors and such) but I'm a verbal taker when it comes to one or two of my friends (who are male and I run my mouth to more than they talk!).
I could never sum up relationships in
two words. (meaning a giver or taker) If I call you a friend it means I have taken the time to know you, trust you, involve you in my life. If I do not think you are worth my time, well then that makes you an
acquaintance. Friendship to me means many things. Funny enough my girlfriends from high school are still very much my friends today. (Im 38) so as I said...if I make a friend its a FRIEND, and if someone proves to be less, I have no time for that.
two words. (meaning a giver or taker) If I call you a friend it means I have taken the time to know you, trust you, involve you in my life. If I do not think you are worth my time, well then that makes you an
acquaintance. Friendship to me means many things. Funny enough my girlfriends from high school are still very much my friends today. (Im 38) so as I said...if I make a friend its a FRIEND, and if someone proves to be less, I have no time for that.
I am for sure a giver and get taken a lot. I have learned my lesson many times over and now am weary of making new friends and when I find that they to become takers I back off from friendship to being just someone I am familiar with and thats it.
I know where you are coming from Jill...
I know where you are coming from Jill...
I've always been exclusively a giver in my friendships to my detriment sometimes and so now I am learning to be a bit of a taker (i.e learning it's okay to ask for help & to lean on friends when things are rough) and it's deepened the good friendships in my life & made it easier to spot the people who aren't quite so quality. I feel blessed by the people I have in my life now.
Jill- I was just talking to my DH about this. When my grandmother passed away in Jan, no one called my mother or came to pay respects. Meanwhile, when they have any life experience good or bad, I'm right there. Some people, by nature, are givers and some takers. I also, unfortunately, am starting to get hardened. But the type of people we are, it will probably hurt us more to NOT give, then to just GIVE and not receive back...
That is for sure...it would just be terrible NOT to give. Personally I would much rather give, and never get anything back. Im not one to ask for favors from friends, I depend strongly on my husband!! OR I will do it myself. I guess I just have not had to put a label on a friendship before, (as in giver or taker) Im sorry you are in this spot Jill...
Hmm I thought about this for awhile. Sorry about your dissapointment. But maybe a few things are at play here. Maybe these "friends" really werent as close as you had thought. It takes alot for me to call someone a friend, and maybe you are just seeing it now because you are finally needing your friends kwim? Also people change and grow, maybe who your friend was 10 years ago is not who she is now. I have alot of acquintances (sp?) who over the past 20 years have stayed the same, while I have moved on emotionally. I just dont have the energy for a shallow friendship. So I avoid those people ALOT. Anyway, the goodnews is you know, and now you can move on and make some new lifetime friends with someone else! 
I learned who my real friends are when I went to the US for a year and left all my friends behind. From some people, I never got a sign of life while I was gone while others really showed me that they care about me. I am one of those people who prefer to have a smaller group of close groups instead of a big group of people that you have fun with but can't talk to about problems etc.
I am definitely a giver in a friendship. In fact, my friends always tell me that I have a "Mother-Theresa-syndrom"
, because I always want to help everyone and try to make everyone feel better. I am always the one everyone runs to when they need a shoulder to cry on. I really do care about my friends a lot and they know they can come to me anytime when they need someone to talk.
I am one of those people who prefer to have a smaller group of close groups instead of a big group of people that you have fun with but can't talk to about problems etc.I am definitely a giver in a friendship. In fact, my friends always tell me that I have a "Mother-Theresa-syndrom"
, because I always want to help everyone and try to make everyone feel better. I am always the one everyone runs to when they need a shoulder to cry on. I really do care about my friends a lot and they know they can come to me anytime when they need someone to talk.
I am totally a taker. Try as I might, I could never give back to my friends - or my family - anything near what I get from them. About the best I can say is that I do not take my blessings, my Poor Person's riches for granted!
for granted!i have felt the pain of giving to people because i want to and then feeling unappreciated and not valued in return. i don't think this is likely to stop until our society gets over itself. i am sooooo tired of hearing everybody complain about how busy, tired, or just uninterested they are in the needs of others. the 1970's strategy of teaching children and adults that they are special has made us a society of selfish people. this is a sore point for me. i have started to think maybe the problem is me and they don't want what i offer and that is why they don't seem appreciative. it makes me happy to be nice and i think it is the right thing to do so maybe look for others to offer your kindness to. 
I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through this. Its very painful to realize that someone who you thought was a good friend isn't there for you. I had a similar experience with a friend a couple of years ago. After her father died she was a wreck, I let her stay in my home and spent hours with her, listening to her and trying to cheer her up. For her birthday that year, I took her to a super fancy restaurant and let her get whatever she wanted. I even lent her money, even though we were both in school and I didn't really have it.
Well a couple of months later I had a major birthday and she just sort of ignored it - kept saying she would bake me a cake, take me out, whatever, I didn't even get a card. Anyways, these brief examples are characteristic of our relationship. Finally I friend dumped her. It was hard but in the end I was happier and invested my time and energy in my friends who would also be there for me. Unfortunately its sometimes hard to know who your good friends are when things are going well.
Anyways, I really feel for you, but I honestly think you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself from this person. You'll be surprised maybe by how hard it is, but just stick to it and don't forget about how terribly she acted (I say this because I forgave my former 'friend' many times before I finally couldn't take it anymore).
Well a couple of months later I had a major birthday and she just sort of ignored it - kept saying she would bake me a cake, take me out, whatever, I didn't even get a card. Anyways, these brief examples are characteristic of our relationship. Finally I friend dumped her. It was hard but in the end I was happier and invested my time and energy in my friends who would also be there for me. Unfortunately its sometimes hard to know who your good friends are when things are going well.
Anyways, I really feel for you, but I honestly think you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself from this person. You'll be surprised maybe by how hard it is, but just stick to it and don't forget about how terribly she acted (I say this because I forgave my former 'friend' many times before I finally couldn't take it anymore).
I was a taker before. My bestfriend and I had rifts that almost ended our friendship. I'm grateful that she didn't drop me then because now I learned how wrong I was. I learned to give more to people. She's living continents away from me but we still have the strongest bond.
ooooooo man jill i am definatly a giver, i had some friends in college that sponged off of me financially so badly for years and never did anything for me but call and complain about how horrible their lives were. I ended up cutting those chicks off. Now i have friends that reciprocate, because i realize its not a contest, but i do things for people and i want to be appreciated, not used.