feeling down about my realtionship

  1. I need some cheering up and a little advice. My So & I have been together for two years now and have known each other for a year before that. We have been living together for 1.5 years. Our realtionship ebbs and flows like most do but lately we have been arguing more than ever. My problem is: I think I love him more than he loves me and it hurts.
    We have disscused marriage and both agreed that it would happen one day but not anytime soon. Althought I would marry him in a heartbeat, I was married before and do not want to rush into anything. The thing is....last night he told me in "casual" conversation that he did not believe in marriage?!? Where did this come from? and why would he tell me in the past that he wanted to get married to me? I am devastated and totally heartbroken. If he really did not believe in marriage and he would have told me I would have never of moved in with him and wasted my time thinking we were someday going to take it to the next level. So should I move out & end it? This is a fundamental difference in beliefs.....my heart is so broken and I cannot stop crying.:crybaby:
  2. ^ Oh, hon, I so know what you mean. I know it sounds childish to say I want him to love me more than I love him, but it's true. I love my boyfriend but sometimes I feel like would do so much more for him than he would for me. :sad: I'm still with my boyfriend because, well, he makes me very happy and I feel very loved. I just realize that I have to stop thinking about it otherwise it would eat away at me. But then again, I'm still in university and don't really have to start considering the longevity of my relationship yet. I would stay with him...unless you find yourself feeling more unhappy than happy (and can't see that changing in the future) or you're at a time in your life that you want to get settled down into a permanent relationship and he knows for sure he isn't.

  3. Thanks...i am feeling more sad than happy with him. I think he is at a point where his career is the most important thing in his life. I do not feel loved unless I do something for him then he "rewards" me with love. I need to get out but am just having a hard time.
  4. Well maybe you are reading too much into his comment? Him saying he doesn't believe in marriage during a casual conversation doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be married to you. You probably need to sit down with him explain how you took his comment and ask him exactly did he mean.

    Before we were married my DH would say things like "marriage is just a paper". I made it clear I wasn't going to date him forever and wanted to get married some day. We've been married 5 years now. While he contents that getting married didn't make him any more commited to our relationship than he already was, he will agree that he loves being married and part of a family.

    So my advice is to you, make sure you know what he meant and don't jump to conclusions. If he does say that he doesn't wanna get married and you do, then you should move on.

  5. I've seen this dynamic with a lot of my friends. They begin living with a man and suddenly the man no longer wants to get married. I have one friend who lived with a guy for seven years. They set three wedding dates and he backed out of them all. She finally broke up with him. When she started dating again, she told every guy that she would not live with them before marriage. She did meet a good guy finally and they got married. I've seen this over and over again, unfortunately. It is a commonly held belief that American men are on a "marriage strike". In fact, my husband says the men in their 30s on his team at work talk about it all the time. Its a sad dynamic that really ends up screwing women. I know that if I became single again I also would not cohabitate with a man. I lived with my husband for nine years before we got married and that was OK. We had our reasons for waiting, but I don't think I'd do that again. Living together gives men all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibility. Women, on the other hand, assume all the risk and that just grows as time goes by. I hope I don't sound too negative but I've heard stories like yours from lots of my friends over the years and it is a real shame.
  6. Yes maybe he just said it "like that" and you got too focused on it. But at some point you could try to see what he meant by that......maybe he has seen bad exemples or experiences around him, men can be scared to feel "trapped". I don't know but around me everybody who is getting married has been living with their girlfriends for at least 5 years before, so they come to the point where love is stronger than anything and that marriage won't change anything, but make things easier when starting a family, a mortgage on a house, etc....(the average age for marriage is 28 for women and 30 yo for men in France).
    I think it would be a huge mistake getting married before living with someone, you don't know that person that well then, the biggest challenge comes when moving in together.....
    I understand that women always need to feel reassured, but men don't like to feel pressured....take it easy, there are plenty of other proofs of love.
  7. I think it really depends on the man whether or not moving in will affect his plans for marriage. I don't think it's fair to say that living together gives all the benefits of marriage without the responsibility... you're still sharing everything and have a home together.

    That said, I don't think you should be too upset about this comment. Try talking to him about it and see what he meant or if he'd be willing to compromise. And I know marriage is probably a big deal to you, but really if you love him, would it be that bad to be with him without a piece of paper legally binding you together? There are a lot of ways to look at this, but I think it'll be great if you just sit down and talk to him calmly. We're here for you, but we can't know how he feels. Hope it works out. :flowers:
  8. I couldn't agree more, especially with the last part.
  9. Thanks to all of you. I appreciate your comments. We did end up talking about how he feels and he just feels like he would not want to be legally binded to someone...I want marriage one day, now all of a sudden he doesn't. I just have to make the choice if I want to stay and not be fullfilled or find someone who has the same desires in life. I can't help but feel lied to, taken advantage of and just lead on....we did talk about marriage before I moved in. Still devastated....
  10. oh, i understand your situation...
    i'm also in a 7 yrs relationship and been living together for 6 yrs. he asked to married me and seems more excited about the idea. and he alwayas tols his friends that i'm his soul mate
    but 2 months ago, he told me he thought he's in love with another girl.
    i was sooo devastated. i mean, i thought i'm in a safe zone with him. but you just can't be certain about this things called love or relationship.
    this made me realize that although i never spoken about how much i loved him, i just know that i love him more than he loves me.
  11. Take it from someone who is older, some men find they like living with a woman without marriage because they get all the same benefits of marriage (cheaper bills because they are being shared, housework, built in cook, sex, etc.). While they get all those benefits, they can also leave their options "open" and can bail at any time for someone else with absolutely NO legal ramifications. Not a fair situation for a woman, methinks.

  12. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way...as sometimes it is hard to get the right tone across via the internet:sad: ....but it sounds like this relationship is not ever going to go where you want it too. It sounds like he is probably not the right person for you....if he was...I don't think he would take marriage off the table...if he knows that it is what you want. It seems like you can stay...but now it will be on his terms...as he has already told you his intentions....or you can leave...which will be horrible...but....it also means that the right person has just not come along yet!! I am really sorry that you are going through this...especially after investing so much time and energy :crybaby: !
  13. I'm so sorry, I hope this works out for you in the end.
  14. Oh sweetie, I really feel for you.

    I've seen men to do this: they want to break up with their partner, but don't want to do the 'deed', so they put up more arguments, more demands, until the woman breaks it off. Then the man says the woman chose to end the relationship, so he's not the bad guy.

    Awful, even my DH did a version of this to his ex. My brother, my friends' ex partners...

    A man who loves you WANTS to marry you if that's what you want.

    Do take care.
  15. hugs I hope you get him to put what he means out there.