Feeling bad about myself . . .

  1. . . . . and my boyfriend looking at other women doesn't help matters, either!

    (I am posting this for a friend of mine.)

    My self esteem has gone down so much. I have a long-term boyfriend who is great, but I know I am not the hottest of all, I gained a good 15-20lbs since I met him and I am ashamed to admit that I hate myself now.

    We were just at the beach and some hot girl walks by in heels and a sexy dress.......I KNOW he looked at her bc after she was gone, he was saying how cool her shoes were. Clearly he checked her out. Being Asian, it's rare that there are any BIG girls. I'm a big girl and I have lots of self esteem issues.

    That just makes me feel so low because I'm insecure with my weight and body. He apologized and said he loves me but we've been together for so long that he barely compliments me anymore. I don't feel so good with myself. This has happened before and I found myself really angry with ME and I even started beating myself up physically just out of anger. I know that sounds crazy.
  2. Caitlin, you are a funny, witty, and special person (I can tell from your posts I come across). I'm sure your boyfriend knows that. Concentrate on that while you do something about what you are not happy about. But don't obsess, as it will only make you crazy.
  3. Oh I know how it feels, I've packed on 20+ lbs since this pregnancy, and my face has broken out like I've just begun puberty all over again. I told my SO, out of respect, to check out women when I'm not in his presence. I just would rather not know.

    But do think of it this way.. majority of guys check out women, its just the way MEN are.

    Cheer up! *hugs*
  4. Caitlin, I love reading your posts and would NOT have guessed that you have self-esteem issues. So I was surprised to read this thread. Hopefully things will turn out better for you.
  5. BTW, my 1st husband used to check out other women right in front of me. It felt terrible. Your boyfriend is good to acknowledge it and apologize. And if you tell him how it makes you feel (and he loves you), I'm sure he will not do it again.
  6. And I agree with Juicy...men are visual creatures. I think most men are like that. And to be honest, women are too...except we check out men and we check out each other too. lol If we look at other people because we appreciate their attractiveness, we can't expect that our men shouldn't, ya know? Now it's a different thing if they are being disrespectful and doing it in front of their SOs or if they are doing double takes! :tdown: Anyhow, hang in there. We are all here for you.
  7. OMG - i was just gonna post the same thread.... lol .... i gained 40lbs 2 since ive been w my bf .... he 2 says he still loves me and i have no doubt... but i will love 2 look good for him again, is just hard to exercise, and im lazy 2,,,
  8. I don't think it's "just the way MEN are" I think it's just the way HUMANS are. People look at people....period. If a beautiful woman walks by not only will she catch the eye of the men in the room, she will catch the eye of the women in the room as well. I love to look at beautiful people no matter what sex and when my husband looks at another woman I don't take it personally. It doesn't take from the way he feels about me it just is human nature. Your self esteem issues will kill your relationship faster than your guy looking at a beautiful PERSON. I guarantee he will glance at a handsome, well built, well groomed/dressed man as well.
    Every situation can be what you make of it and if your self esteem wasn't in the potty it wouldn't bother you nearly as much. (Now, those who leer and are obnoxiously seething are another story and not inclusive in my point). Spend some time doing things for yourself, thinking about the wonderful things you have to offer and start by addressing YOU and then he won't make you so crazy! It can only be what YOU let it be!
  9. wait - are you talking about yourself or a friend? I'm confused....:sad:
  10. I'm posting for a friend of mine who wishes to remain anonymous. Sorry, I should have made that clear in the beginning.
  11. ^^^ whew! I'm glad its not you cause you seem so smart and confident. Feel bad for your friend though. Perhaps she should start doing things for herself that will make her feel better about herself. I've found that when my self esteem is at a low, I try to get outside of my own head and try to do more things for other people. Its so tough though. When I was growing up - I was a homely child! Did not blossom until I was in my 20s. But while I was going through my insecure teens, I tried to do things to improve myself to bring me peace and people either accepted me or they didn't. Its so hard when a guy is involved. The best thing is to be confident - that is one of the sexiest things to a man. I'm rambling...I'm sleepy...
  12. My advice to her was:

    Talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. I know you talked to him about it and he apologized, but let him know the real reason his looking at other women is bothering you.

    (And if he does look at other women, tell him not to insult your intelligence by lying about it.)

    Maybe you can work something out where he can look at other women, but he has to compliment you more often.

    And if he doesn't take your feelings into consideration then find someone who will give you the attention and the compliments you deserve.

    And don't beat yourself up anymore. The next time you want to do that, channel all that energy into something positive: watching what you eat, going to the gym, etc.

    Someone once said the best revenge is living well. And remember that you're not doing it for him. You're doing it for you.
  13. ^ what you told her made sense...

    i don't think you can tell someone to compliment you more.. and if i told a SO that, i'd probably just think he was just saying something nice cos i told him to. (yeah i know, hard to please huh?) i'd probably tell the guy, i feel you've been sloppy about us and it might be because we've been together for awhile but i'd like you to put in more effort. appreciate the things i do etc etc and tell me that you appreciate it an that you love me!

    and since she has weight/body issues, start slow and go to the gym or do something active that's fun and not all work. it'll be easier if you and your friends can take turns to do these activities with her. i think she needs to deal with the body image issues first and perhaps after that, she'll get greater self esteem.

    i think it'd be hard for her to just dump him right now

    good luck to your friend!
  14. oh I am sorry for your friend (nice that you are posting for her).

    I have been in this position and I have seen others going through this more than once: thus bear in mind my advice is based on own experience.

    first of all, this has nothing to do with your boyfriend, and everything to do with you. humans will look at others - this is the nature of people.

    but that aside, that you are unhappy and that you mind is because you are not happy with your own appearance. forget your background, your surroundings and anything else - just focus on yourself. you might be at this weight that you are right now and feel totally confident and happy, thus not care an ounce what anyone is doing around. or you might be 20lbs less and still be unhappy, kwim?

    so, the answer is simple. do something about it. get your a... into gear, take up exercise and take up a HEALTHY EATING regime (no crash dieting, trying strange faddy diets etc). even if you don't lose the weight bec you are happy at whatever weight, taking care of yourself will change your outlook. i have been both very thin and bigger and I can honestly say that in neither situation was I happy bec I had to deal with personal insecurities first, plus i don't think i was treating my body healthily and nicely.

    anyway, my point is letting yourself just feel bad without doing anything will not be changed by your b/friend looking the other way or paying you more compliments, kwim?
  15. I guess your friend can teach the people around her to walk on eggshells on the subject of weight, but since she herself is unhappy with gaining weght the best advice would be to get back to the weight she feels best at. And twenty pounds isn't that big a deal to lose. Four pounds the first week (water loss) and two pounds a week for the next eight weeks. She could be back to her starting weight by Labor Day.