Family medical problems and disappointing friends

  1. I haven't been around TPF much because I've been having the worst couple of weeks in years. We have a very sick family member, really bad cancer, who we are trying to help who has always been difficult and has now gotten herself in a major dilemma and has a serious illness. Its just complicated but that isn't the point of this post.

    My family looks to me to take care of things, and its a hard role. I expected that my best friends would be calling me (one is even a nurse!) but they haven't been. I'm hurt and I don't know why when they know something about what is going on they don't call to check in or at least send and e-mail or text message of support. One friend has even sent me stupid forwards and an e-mail all about her life without once discussing my e-mail to her where I said I was going crazy dealing with this and it was so hard. I think I've been a good friend to her especially, I even came up for a weekend when her boyfriend dumped her and she asked me too. She cried all weekend and I was there. When she calls me about her job I was always here. Here I am with a sick family member, my family is miserable and I don't even get a call?!?

    I sent everyone text messages last night because I was really upset, one friend I called, who called me back, but I don't even want to answer? (Yeah maybe I should have called, but I'm not confrontational and the text messages were hard enough). How do you know when its time to move on and put new people into your life? These are all people who I've listened to and comforted for hours over things like their work and boyfriends and girlfriends, now I'm dealing with a family member with a serious form of cancer and that's only part of the story.

    I'm very lucky to have a supportive fiance, but I'm so hurt by my three friends.
     
  2. winternight, firstly i hope you are ok.
    secondly i am in the exact same situation, my best friend even works in the hospice that my uncle is in and i havent heard from her in over a week because she claims she is "too busy" but i have never left it this long with out comforting her if she needs it.
    hang in there, at times like these you see who your true friends are. and you always have us to vent too.
     
  3. I think sometimes when it comes to illness people don't know what to say or do so they say nothing and stay away. I don't know if they are trying to come across as rude on purpose but unless you talk with them and say hey I need your support, they will not do anything. Can you try to get together with your friends as a group and do something fun? If you are doing way too much for this family memeber that it is starting to cause stress problems for you then you need to tell other family members to share their time and pitch in. Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them, if you don't tell people you need help, it won't be given. This is sad but true. I have taken care of a ill family member and I am the one who deals with it when he comes home from the hospital but other family members act like they do it all. So it does get to be a very stressful situation for a person who is a caregiver. I would talk to your friends, if they are not willing to be there to offer you some moral support then maybe it might be time to rethink what they add to your life, especially when you have been there for them.
    I wish you the best. I am happy your F is there for you.
     
  4. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Is there a hospice/palliative care service involved with your family member? They really can be an enormous amount of help. In terms of your friends, did you text them to let them know why specifically you are upset? If they don't respond or expend the energy to support you like you have for them then you already have your answer. I have a habit with my girlfriends that no matter which one of us is more in "crisis" mode to always ask the other person how things are before we hang up. That way, it doesn't always seem so one sided, KWIM?
     
  5. you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

    it sucks that right now your friends are unable to be supportive to you
    I know some tiems people jsut don't have it in them but it pisses you off bcuz its a big kick in the a$$ and an almighty fu when you've been good to time

    hugs
     
  6. I think you're so hard on yourself. It's a difficult time and your family is looking toward you to be a pillar. Maybe you are being too strong in front of your friends so they think you're perfectly fine. I'd like to think that friends who you've supported in their hard times would help you in yours. Perhaps you hide it too well. It's really hard when it's about an illness because most people want to avoid talking about that person as if everything would be normal if you ignore it. I'm not making excuses for your friends, but I get a sense that you're trying to stay on top of everything and not let worries and emotions overwhelm you, but maybe it's not your responsibility to be everyone's pillar.
     
  7. hey winternight, i'm so sorry to hear about the family medical problems. that is really stressful and tough ...

    as for friends, well, if you reach out to them and say hey i'm upset, hey i wanna talk... and they don't make time or get back to you. then you know it's time to move you.

    it hurts like hell to be there for them and then realize they are not there for you when you're going through tough times. but you know who your true friends are when you are in the pits..... and if they're not there for you, you can either cut them out of your life or continue to keep a relationship with them but know at the back of your mind that these ppl are not ppl you can count on.

    while ppl may not like to talk about sickness or feel awkward talking about it, that is not a valid excuse or reason.

    someone in my friends family is being sued for some business thing and may go to jail if things do not go well. it is VERY unpleasant but i don't stay away just because it's awkward!

    i don't know if she wants to talk to about it, but i sent her an email to say, hey i know such and such is happening and it must be tough dealing with it. I hope you and your family are doing okay. call me anytime.

    it is NOT that difficult to ask a friend , hey how are things? do you want to talk about it?. or i send an email.


    i'm glad you have a supportive DF. at least it's one pillar of support.

    *hugs* girl
     
  8. Sorry you are going through this. I lost my DF to cancer a few years ago. While people were nice, stopped by, etc., no one can really understand what you are going through -- especially if they haven't experienced it themselves. Your friends probably just don't "appreciate" how you feel. It's not an excuse, just a possible explanation.
     
  9. Winternight....I think you have answered your question with your post. It's time to move on now - If a "friend" can't even acknowledge your need, then they aren't a friend at all. I don't know your friends but they sound very selfish and frankly you might be better off without them... best wishes...I hope you will find comfort in the coming days, during this difficult time in your family...
     
  10. I have always thought that when a real crisis comes into play..U TRULY find out who your friends are....
    I found that out the hard way myself when my FIL was in a hospital DYIN..and my closest friend was too tired to watch my daughter.....Needless to say.....I no longer speak with her too much these days.

    CHIN UP GIRL!We are all here for u!My bestest friends are here on the PF..they got me thru some yucky times...and are TRULY DEAR FRIENDS TO ME!We are all here anytime you need to chat!HUGS!
     
  11. Hugs!!
     
  12. Winternight,
    I am very sorry about your family member. The other poster hear mentioned hospice and it is a great place to start for some help and support for you and your loved one.

    Your friends may not be friends..:tdown:
    We do find out in hard times who we can count on.

    I think you may need to reach out and let them know that you NEED them. You need some support and a friend's shoulder.
    If they do not step up at this point, I think you need to look to the future and find some REAL friends.

    Most people here are so wonderful and you can always find a shoulder to lean on. I know it's not the same but it can help.

    I am thinking of you and I hope things look better for you soon!

    (((((((Winternight))))))​
     
  13. I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through, I am sure that it is taking it's toll. Some people just don't know how to react in these situations, though your friend that is a nurse should understand (I am a nurse myself, so I think that this is pretty safe for me to assume). I think that it is good that you sent them a text, voicing your feelings is a great thing! Hopefully they will come around. You reached out to them, now it is their turn.
     
  14. I'm sorry....big, big hugs to you. It's really hard when friends dissapear on you when you need them most. I think it's really true that you find out who your true friends are during a crisis. Go with your heart, if you don't want to deal with them...don't. I'm a totally non-confrontational person myself...so I know it's hard to say that you need some support...and you should not have too in this case. 2 situations made me finally call it quits with my best friend. When ds was 6 months old he had to have an operation to remove a tumor they thought was cancerous...we had to wait 5 agonizing days to get the results which thankfully were benign(?)....my friend stopped calling me all together for a month. The 2nd time was when dh lost his finger in an accident at work (he's totally fine now) and she disappeared again. I finally realized that she was not a true friend at all and stopped calling her. She still tries to call, but I don't return her calls. Recently I went through a miscarriage and my whole family dissapeared! My sister and my cousins didn't call at all and are now just calling me...I really don't want to talk to them now!
    I feel like you should not have to tell people you need support...but maybe we do? Anyway, sorry to babble about myself. I really hope that everything will be okay. Thank goodness your fiance is there for you! Take care of yourself :smile: