facts about jack bauer

  1. from http://www.jackbauerfacts.com/index.php?top25
    and http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty
    there's also a good list at on the first post here...http://www.texasmagicleague.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1700

    i someone asked for these in the chuck norris thread. i tried breaking it up so it wasn't as long, but it's still long. :smile: also i just copied and pasted...i tried to clean up the language, but probably missed some...i apologize if it offends anyone. enjoy! :smile:

    Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

    Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

    Everytime jack bauer smiles, a terrorist loses his balls

    Jack Bauer wrote the Bible. That's why its so violent.

    Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

    Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a f*ing terrorist.

    If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

    Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

    1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

    The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

    Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

  2. They say you can't go a day without water, Jack Bauer has gone five seasons.

    There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.

    Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.

    When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.

    The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

    As a boy, Jack Bauer interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the location and contents of each hidden egg.

    Jack Bauer doesn't dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Jack Bauer.

    After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

    Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"

    On Jack Bauers Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.

    Jack Bauer has no friends, because as a child when he would play cops and robbers, the robbers would all be interogated and killed.

    Superman has Jack Bauer pajamas.
  3. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

    Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

    If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

    If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef then it's f*ing beef.

    A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

    Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

    Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

    On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

    There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

    Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

    Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

    Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

    Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

    When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

    My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.

    It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

    If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

    Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

    Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.

    The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

    In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?

  4. -Jack Bauer shaves with a chainsaw.

    -Jack Bauer can stare directly at the sun.

    -While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

    -Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.

    -The odds of completing anything without Jack Bauer is less than 20 percent.

    -Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.

    -Jack Bauer once grew a beard to rival that of Chuck Norris. In the only episode of 24 where Jack has that beard, he shot a man through his heart and cut his head off. He then shaved that beard to show up Chuck. What has your beard done lately, Norris?

    -Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

    -On the sixth day, God said "Let there be no Jack Bauer." On the seventh day, God was tortured.

    -Jack found Waldo in one hour. The only reason he didn't find him sooner was because of daylight savings time.

    -When Jack Bauer requested a cookie in kindergarten, his teacher told him no and laughed. Jack replied by saying, "Look lady, I have crushed three rib cages since recess, rigged the fire alarm to go off right before the spelling test and stolen a total of $7.50 in lunch money. So maybe you should be a little more scared of the situation you're in and just give me a goddamn cookie."

    -When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.\

    -Jack Bauer was once asked if he was gay. Once.

    -Jack Bauer's cellphone battery went dead 12 years ago. It has run on pure adrenaline ever since.

    -Jack Bauer is a vegetarian. Not because he doesn't like meat, but because he hates vegetables.

    -Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.

    -Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

    -In God we trust. But God trusts Jack Bauer.
  5. Fantastic! :biggrin:
    sigh, I just love him!!!!
  6. ^lol! Love Him!
  7. Lol, that was long! I just recently started watching 24 last season, love it!
  8. hehe. i'm right in the middle of season four right now. it just gets better and better. jack bauer is my only celeb crush since i was a teen and he's not even real. hehe.
  9. hmm. sorry.. but who IS jack bauer?
  10. the main character of fox's 24 (he's also my avatar and chloe-babe's). it's a serial action drama that takes place in real time (1 hour of TV = one hour of the day). the show follows a counter terrorist unit (and more specifically jack bauer) kicking ass. :smile:

  11. oh that explains it. i don't EVER watch fox. american idol? never seen a single season. not even the kelly clarkson season.
  12. 24 is better on DVD anyway. no waiting a week to see what happens. :smile:
  13. Not many things are worth watching on FOX (or any network for that matter:lol:) but if you only watch one show, then "24" is it! JACK BAUER RULES!!!

    I've never liked Kiefer Sutherland before, but since he became Jack I think he's one of the sexiest men on TV :biggrin:.

    Of course, now there's also Prison Break with Wentworth Miller (that's on FOX right?)
  14. Those are sooo funny! Thanks for sharing!!
  15. omg, those were hilarious! thanks for posting them.