Essay Revised Again, Think I've Finally Got Something Good!

  1. ONCE AGAIN, I REDID THE ESSAY. OPINIONS, LIKE ALWAYS ARE NEEDED. THANKS A BUNCH!

    Ever since I was a young girl I have been awed and inspired by fashion. It has inspired me to do things I would have never otherwise tried and has even motivated me to pursue a career in the fashion industry. This year, my valentines day will not be spent out on a romantic date, but at home with a copy of vogue and a box of chocolates because fashion is truly my first love.
    I'll never forget the day I first fell in love with fashion. I was at home with my mother on a rainy Saturday afternoon. While she began to cook dinner , I began to rummage through her closet which looked like a boutique in its own right. I was fascinated with all the beautiful clothing she had and at only 9 years old, I couldn't resist the urge to play dress up. When I finally had put together and ensemble and looked in the mirror I remember feeling like a superstar, like I was ready to conquer the world. From that moment on I had started to develop a strong passion and interest in fashion.
    I have to admit that at first, and up until recently , I was using fashion for the wrong reasons. Because I had such low self esteem I was using it to mask my insecurities, to gain attention so I would feel like I was worthy of having friends. As a result I did gain the popularity I was searching for because of the material things and I possessed and yes, this did boost my confidence. I became more outgoing and made some true friends. Just being me was good enough and although my love for fashion was stronger than ever, I knew I never needed any of these material possessions to being with. Looking back now, I realize I was spending every last dollar I had to look good but I never dealt with the internal conflict that truly reflects on the other expression. Luckily I was able to work out these internal conflicts and ended up doing things I never thought I could. Among these things was landing a part time job for Lancome Cosmetics as a beauty advisor at the age of 16. This made me the youngest person to ever work in cosmetics at Century 21 department store. I also work up enough confidence to enter beauty pageants and ended up winning numerous titles.
    Having a love for fashion for so long has assured me that there is nothing else I would rather do with my life. I know for sure that the fashion industry is where I belong. If accepted into your institution I will make the most of the opportunities given to me and pursue a career as a fashion stylist after graduation. Fashion is a unique way in which I would like to affect people. I want them to feel the same joys that fashion has enabled me to feel. It is my goal to be a crucial element in the way people look and feel about themselves.
    Fashion is bigger than an image, it is a cultural advancement. Fashion,although thought to be superficial, isn't , or at the very least shouldn't be. It is a reflection of the etiquette , soul, and creativity of people. For some, like me, it is a reflection of their dreams and experiences. It is truly an inspiration.
     
  2. Diva,

    I don't know if you have answered this question before, but for what type of institution are you writing this essay? Your diction (word choice) and focus depends on your intended audience, so knowing who your audience will be is important. While making a connection between yourself and fashion is desirable, i'm also wondering if you should play up the angle of fashion as being an art form. I like your anecdote at the beginning of the essay, but you don't want to spend too much word space explaining to the reader how you used fashion in the wrong way. Remember, concentrate on what you have done with fashion and what you hope to do with fashion later. Did the school give you a word limit?
     
  3. I agree that the segment about fashion for the wrong reasons seemed a bit like clutter.
     
  4. Thanks for the suggestion! Its funny that the two of you mentioned I should take out the part of how I used it negatively because originally I took it out but then a friend said I should put it back in so I will definitely take it back out! lol and not, the school did not give me a word limit
     
  5. Thanks for the suggestion! Its funny that the two of you mentioned I should take out the part of how I used it negatively because originally I took it out but then a friend said I should put it back in so I will definitely take it back out! lol and not, the school did not give me a word limit
     
  6. Hi ladies, i took out what you suggested. Any gramatical/wording corrections would be apprecitated.


    Since I was a young girl I have been awed and inspired by fashion. It has inspired me to do things I would have never otherwise tried and has even motivated me to pursue a career in the fashion industry. This year, my valentines day will not be spent out on a romantic date, but at home with a copy of vogue and a box of chocolates because fashion is truly my first love.
    I'll never forget the day I first fell in love with fashion. I was at home with my mother on a rainy Saturday afternoon. While she began to cook dinner , I began to rummage through her closet which looked like a boutique in its own right. I was fascinated with all the beautiful clothing she had and at only 9 years old, I couldn't resist the urge to play dress up. When I finally had put together and ensemble and looked in the mirror I remember feeling like a superstar, like I was ready to conquer the world. From that moment on I had started to develop a strong passion and interest in fashion.
    Ever since that day, I pictured what life would be like working in the fashion industry. I've pictured myself doing everything from attending fashion shows in paris, to styling celebrities for photshoots. I've realized that this is more than just a musing and far fetched dream, but a career that I want to pursue.I have taken advantage of opportunities that will prepare me for this. Volunteering as a "personal shopper" at Dress For Success gave me the opportunity to help dress underpriveleged woman so that they could obtain careers of their own. After volunteering at Dress For Success I went on to become a beauty advisor for Lancome Cosmetics at Century 21 Department Store. I was the youngest person to ever work in the cosmetics department,an achievement I am very proud of.
    In the future I would like to become a Fashion Editor for a major publication such as Vogue or Elle.Spending the next four years at your university would bring me closer to achieving my goal. I feel that it would give me an invaluable experiance and skills I will be able to apply to my career.
    For me ,fashion is bigger than an image, it is a cultural advancement. Fashion,although thought to be superficial, isn't , or at the very least shouldn't be. It is a reflection of the etiquette , soul, and creativity of people. For some, like me, it is a reflection of their dreams and experiences. It is truly an inspiration, my true love.
     
  7. purely gramatical comment, comma placement after a word is usually next to the word then a space --> dog, cat. Right now there are so many ---> dog , cat. This is really distracting me from your essay. Also your word choice is simplistic and your tone is very conversational. I will reiterate Snorks comment, who is your audience. More importantly, what fashion institute are you applying to (by looking at their info on the web I can try to better guide in your essay)
     
  8. Your essay has come a long way, and this one is my favorite! Well done! I bolded a few corrections that I saw. Also, be sure that when you type this essay, you always put two spaces after a ending punctuation mark(period, question mark, etc.) Make sure that for Lancôme, include the accent circumflex over the "o", it is very important to do so, just as important as apostrophes in the English language. If you need instruction on how to do the accent mark, feel free to PM me. I would have to agree that your word choice isn't as strong as your last essay, so maybe improve on that, your last essay's word choice was quite impressive!! And as mentioned, be sure to place the comma correctly(next to the word.) You have worked very hard on this, and best of luck with everything!