Did I Give the Wrong Advice?

  1. Ladies and Gentlemen, you can be totally honest with me on this. This is part of the reasons I've been stressed lately. I felt like I had been a crappy friend to one of my long-time friend. Here's the story ...

    I've been friends with this girl for over 6 years now. We shared a common interest and we could talk about everything. After we graduated, we lived in different states but we still kept in touch. Two years ago, she got her first boyfriend and so, we had yet another topic to talk about.

    Well we typically talked once a week. She always picked up the phone and if she didn't, she always called back. Last week, I called her and she didn't call me back until almost a week later. She said she hadn't called me back because she had been spending the night at a male coworker's place. By that she didn't mean just spending the night as in hanging out, she meant she slept with him.

    She said she had been feeling a bit neglected because whenever she wanted to drive to visit her bf, he always told her not to come because he had OT. In the meantime she started hanging out with this guy at work and it just happened.

    Now she asked me what she should do because she said she felt guilty. I am totally against cheating because I wouldn't want the same to happen to me so I basically told her that I felt that being honest is the best way to go. HOWEVER, I also told her that she needed to keep in mind that if she told her bf what happened, she needs to be ready to take responsibility for the repercussion.

    I don't know if she had told her boyfriend yet, but now I feel like a crappy friend because I wasnt' sure if I had given her the right advice. I mean, if I were the bf, I would NOT take that news very well. Heck, I'd probably dump my gf if she cheats on me ... Did I tell my friend the right thing or did I possibly just cost her her relationship?

    I know I shouldn't even be giving her any advice considering I am not the person to ask. But at the time the first thing that came to my mind when she told me this was to be honest because I believe in open communication. Now I feel stupid because this is a serious incident that had happened and I probably should have shut up about it since I obviously don't know crap ... Ugh ...
     
  2. You need to stay out of this as much as you can, but you did the right thing. She is responsible for telling him and taking what may come with that.
     
  3. You gave good sound advice. She's a big girl and it was SHE who did the cheating and you are absolutely right in that no one would want someone cheating on them and still be with them. You gave the same exact advice I would have--don't feel guilty if she says something to him he has a right to know what he's getting into and besides, she can of course always NOT listen to you. If that happens, I wouldn't say anything to him then (and there is a strong possibility she'll chicken out as it isn't an easy thing to admit to) Who knows, maybe the neglect she was feeling was him trying to bail out of the relationship...too often people lack communication skills and try and skirt around the truth to save the other from getting hurt but in the end the lying is what makes people bitter and angry. Good for you girl, that was great advice!
     
  4. Well I think you're being too hard on yourself... it's advice. You're not forcing her to do anything. She asked for your opinion and you gave it to her. I don't think she should tell her BF, but that's just me.
     
  5. omg, i've been having the samae situation, but i can honestly say that night meant nothing to me so i figured why should i tell my bf and just ruined everything? but that's just me
     
  6. Hmm ... so maybe I shouldn't have said anything and just told my friend that I couldn't give her any advice? I asked my SO what is the best advice to give in this situation and he had no idea either. However, he said that if it were him, he would want to know. I agree as well, I'd rather know than not know, although if I know, I'd dump the person.

    I'm really worried about my friend right now. I do NOT know her boyfriend. Never met him actually and have only heard about him through my friend. I know they have issues due to cultural differences and her parents not approving him (and according to her, he was afraid to tell his parents about her because she was Asian).

    Now I wish I had told her I couldn't give her any advice ... I'm feeling responsible for any outcome that might have ensued ...
     
  7. I don't think you did anything wrong. She asked for your advice and you gave it to her. You are not forcing her to do anything, she still has to deceide for herself what she should do. She's the one that screwed up and she's the one that will have to deal with the consequences. You are in no way responsible.
     
  8. People have a brain of their own. Just because you voiced your opinion. She has the ultimate decision on whether she will do what you advised. So don't be too hard on yourself. Relax.
     
  9. You did the right thing! She asked for your opinion, and you gave it. Then it is up to her to decide, you are not responsible for her or her actions - all you can do is give your honest advice, if she asks for it.

    It seems like your friend has put herself in a tricky situation, so I guess it would be wise to stay out of it as much as you can, that is: don't give any advice, unless asked for.
     
  10. yes, don't u worry :smile:
    she asked your opinion, not asking you to decide for her.
    whenever a friend asked me something, i always answer, "if I were YOU, i will..."
    so it would be my action, not hers. she just need a second opinion anyway.
     
  11. That's a hard situation and it's hard to not get involved with your friend asking you. You did the right thing. It's up to her to decide what to do. Even if you said the wrong thing, it's up to her to decide her actions.
     
  12. No.....SHE cost herself the relationship. She is the one that cheated and her boyfriend has every right to know. Obviously there are problems already with their relationship - as you mentioned - so it seems like they need to have a serious sit down conversation. If it ends in them breaking up it would not be because of the advice that you gave to her. Personally, I would have told her the same thing. :flowers:
     
  13. I completely agree. Try to stay out of it as much as you can but you did give good advice.
     
  14. You did nothing wrong. It's an opinion and it is ultimately up to your friend for how she handles it. You're being a friend by stating your opinion.

    Cheating is wrong and there is no denying that but as to confessing to the person you cheated on is up in the air. I'd rather be dumped than having my bf confess that he cheated on me.. it would give me too many UNNECESSARY issues about myself. I feel that confessing about cheating is an act of dumping the guilt off to the SO. It is definitely not a win-win situation. Both people end up being messed up in the head instead of only one.
     
  15. I agree with all the other ladies. She is the one that has to decide what to do at the end. You aren't pressuring her to do anything.