College Essay

  1. I know this is completely off topic and non purse related but I didnt know where else to post this, I wanted to get everyones opinion on the college application essay I am sending to FIT . I'm not sure if its good so I would appreciate your opinions!

    Everyday as I walk to school I am amazed at the amount of poverty-stricken people I see on the streets. Some have taken the wrong path and some never received an education that allowed them to pursue the career they wanted to. My fear of one day ending up in their position has had a strong impact on my educational goals. I have decided to further my education and The Fashion Institute of Technology is the college I would like to do this at.
    I remember the first time I acknowledged the difference in social classes. It was the middle of my junior year and I went to fifth avenue to buy a pair of designer shoes I had saved up for. As I walked along fifth avenue I admired the well dressed women hopping in and out of luxury cars with tons of shopping bags. On the train ride home to Brooklyn I remember thinking about what it would be like to live in their shoes. I felt like I had just left utopia. When I arrived back in my neighborhood I walked passed a woman that lived a very different lifestyle than the women I had seen on fifth avenue. Although I couldn’t pinpoint it I knew something in her life had caused her to fall through the cracks. She was dragging her feet walking up the block dressed in nothing more than what looked like stained rags. That was when reality hit me, people are living very different lifestyles and I had just saw both extremities. This was the very moment I decided that I wanted a better life for myself. I realized that although I didn’t live on the Upper East Side I was different than the woman that I had just passed and I won’t end up like her.
    Ever since that day I have been determined, motivated and focused on succeeding in the fashion industry- something I am very passionate about. If chosen to be a member of The Fashion Institute of Technology’s class of 2011 I know I will be an asset to the schools community. I’ve done things that most high school students haven’t. Among those was landing a job as a beauty advisor for Lancôme cosmetics. Having such a love for fashion this was a job I valued very much because I know that fashion isn’t just about the clothes, being able to put together a “look”, makeup included is important and what makes someone truly look stunning. Working at Lancôme taught me how to do this. I was 16, the youngest person to ever work in cosmetics at Century 21 department store. Although I loved this job my grades were suffering so I resigned and started working much closer to home.
    For as long as I can remember I have loved fashion. When I was a little girl I would dress up in my mothers clothes and put on a fashion show like I was a model. Fashion is and always will be a major part of my life. Fashion is not “in my blood” but its in my heart, I can’t imagine working in any other field. I feel that having a degree from FIT will bring me much closer to achieving my goals in the fashion industry.
     
  2. I liked it very much...the point about poverty is good, because it's a relavant issue in society, and everyone can relate.

    Good job, I hope you get it in!
     
  3. Thanks so much!I just was'nt sure if it was organized well and stuff. Any other opinions would be appreciated
     
  4. Hi Diva! Thanks for sharing your essay!

    They are hard to write because the most important thing an essay must do is stand out, or give the reviewers something to remember you by. It is the only thing they have that is personal.

    Perhaps you should tell us more about you. What makes Diva ticK? You only gave us one small paragraph at the end that tells me something about you. (Oh, and you don't have to post it on here!) You should write two or more essays and then go with the one you feel will stand out. Good for you for asking people to read it!!! Ask as many people as possible!

    I think it is good to perhaps start with telling us who you are with an interesting intro. (childhood story, a challenging situation and how you got through, etc.), then focus on why you would be an excellent student at their college (what can you bring?) You have the determination, drive, hard-work ethic and creativity to be successful student (prove it in writing by sharing situations that prove this.) Your background and social insight inspires you, etc.
    And finally and briefly mention that you see your fashion career as a stepping stone to a secure and successful future. You really don't want to say that the only reason you want in is to not end up like that lady. You want in because your passion is fashion! Don't spend too much time on that story (it's difficult and not recommended to add insight or comments on poverty, politics, war, etc.) because you can use that space to talk about you!

    They often ask a question or two for you to focus on. Did they give you something to go on?
     
  5. I too would like to know what the promt they gave you was. Knowing that would help me critique your essay.

    In the last paragraph you wrote, "Fashion is not “in my blood” but its in my heart." I would take out "its" so the sentence reads "Fashion is not "in my blood" but in my heart."

    For the following sentence: "I realized that although I didn’t live on the Upper East Side I was different than the woman that I had just passed and I won’t end up like her." I would change take out the bolded word or change it to "whom".

    My next critique is just a personal preference. The last sentence in the first paragraph could read better as "I have decided to further my education and The Fashion Institute of Technology is the college at which I would like to achieve this goal."

    I think you organized the essay very well. Each paragraph led nicely into the next and you ended it well. Adding the story about when you went shopping is a great touch
     
  6. thanks for the suggestions. there was no specific topic given, they just asked for a "personal statement"
     
  7. totally agree!!

    I'm not sure what kind of students FIT looks for, but i believe that being compassionate and caring is a quality most people would value, and your essay has a haughty, and sorry to say, shallow tone to it. Like after reading your essay i know your afraid of poverty and therefore want to have a career in fashion. <~~~ i don't see how the 2 are connected... and one must not underestimate the struggles/experiences of people regardless of how different/horrible they may seem to us.
     
  8. i think you really need to draw the reader early on. set up the atmosphere the day that you went ot 5th avenue to buy your shoes...what was the weather like, sounds, describe the ladies fashion just a bit more (it shows you paid attention to detail and its going to make the readers feel like they are THERE)

    since you are speaking of the moment in which you realized your goals, let the readers feel and be in that moment also.
     
  9. Sorry but your essay is all over the place. You need to start out with

    1) Why you love fashion
    2) What do you want to do or/and change about fashion
    3) You hope FIT will give you the tools to help you achieve it.

    Don't talk about you don't want to end up like the lady in Brooklyn, but the lady you saw on Fifth Ave. Because that sounds more like you want to be a fashionista and live large than a person who wants to make people look pretty.

    Better yet, you should use those two ladies as an example for your MAIN POINT, explain how, fashion is not only for people who have money, and people who don't have a lot can look fashionable as well. Like how you will open your own boutique, create an affordable line to make any lady in Brooklyn looks like the lady from Fifth Avenue.

    In my opinion, your point to pursue fashion should be helping the lady in Brooklyn looks like the lady you saw on Fifth Ave. So what, if that is not your true intention? I believe you have a better chance to sell yourself with it than, the "don't want to be poor and dressed up in your mother clothes when you were young" thing. Come on, weren't we all(girls) do/like that? We played with dolls, dressing them up, etc... Saying things like that won't make you stand out.

    If you were a guy, then it would be good to bring up the "dressed up in my mother clothes" thing, to explain how much you are into fashion.

    Best wishes!
     
  10. I have bolded some grammatical errors that I noticed. The "to" and the "at" are prepositions, and no sentence should end with a preposition, so maybe try to rephase those. If you are unsure of which are prepositions, google for a list of them. I recognize them after having to memorize them all:push::shocked:. Also the "and" should have a comma before it because when two sentences are combined with a conjunction(and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so), there should be a comma before it if the two sentences can stand alone. I highlighted only those, but I noticed very similar mistakes throughout the essay(just too tired to go through them all, but had to mention;) ) Not many people really know these rules, and some do but never really use them(I do sometimes), but it looks impressive. The other advice that has been given so far is great, and the overall essay, I think, is well-thought, and I like the overall meaning. Good luck!
     
  11. Also, I feel like something has to be done with this sentence(punctuation wise?) but I cannot pinpoint it, maybe something else instead of the comma? I am not sure, but I know there are some very smart English majors here that can help you.
     
  12. It's a good early rough draft.

    I would be very careful about starting off an essay to FIT talking about homeless people & their lack of education. Especially since lack of education isn't the #1 cause of homelessness in the U.S.

    A college admissions essay is more about you & your background. Try to talk about these things:

    1. Your background. Where did you go to school? What classes did you take to prepare you for FIT? What after school activities & employment do you have that prepared you for FIT?

    2. What do you want to study in particular at FIT? Why?

    3. What are you lifelong goals that you want to accomplish? How can going to FIT help you accomplish those goals? Why is FIT the only school for you?

    4. You don't need to focus on your love of fashion. Everyone who is applying to the school loves fashion. That's obvious. This is actually the #1 rule in writing admissions essays/SOP. You never say you the love area. That's obvious. You wouldn't apply to a fashion program if you hated it.

    5. Avoid euphemisms. "Fashion is in my blood." It comes across as trite and sugary.


    I would also be very careful talking about what you've done that other students haven't, that comes across as bragging. I also wouldn't bring up bad grades. An essay is time to highlight all of the good things you've done, not the bad. If you've pulled your grades up, they'll see that in your transcripts. That will be proof enough.

    This is a good brain storming essay, but it's not your final draft. Try googling websites about writing college admissions essay to get a better understanding of what it should look like.

    Good luck!