can somebody please give me some advice?

#61
Hello Ladies, sorry for not posting sooner.

I confronted him yesterday,its been a horrible two days of tears from both of us and a nightmare all round. He swears to me that he has not slept with her, kissed her, taken her home or been unfaithful in anyway, apart from sending these stupid messages. His explaination as to why he sent the messages are that he was fooling about and he got out of control. He just keeps saying He said I didnt deserve to be treated like this, (which I agreed to, I dont, and dont worry i gave him hell this post would be like a book if I said everything I had to him but I did it in a cool ladylike fashion and I have no idea how I did this!)
He has promised that all contact with this girl will end, that there was never anything to it and that it is all his fault.
He seemed genuinly shaken up when I confronted him and seems genuinly sorry.
we are trying to comunicate about it and talk it through, he says that he has been acting inmaturely and feels sick at to how much hurt he has put me through.
At the moment I am releived it is all out in the open and I want to work through this and want to believe him, i am normally very intuative when somebody lies, (look at how i felt when I had to resort to snooping!) I do think he is telling the truth but I am still trying to get my head around this. I feel hurt, insecure and still at a loss really as to why he behaved in this way.
Not sure where to go from here and how much questioning and bringing the subject back up I can do.
I would like to take his word on this and move on, trust him
Not sure what to do, I still feel confused
Am I being weak? Should I demand more answers?? Or should i just accept, and move on?? I told one of my close girlfriends on saturday evening as I was so upset and she said to me this morning that of course he would deny it, so this as made me question myself even more
 
#62
You know, al I can say is, everything has to be your choice. If you feel he deserves a second chance, than you should give him one. If you feel you need more answers, than you should get them. It should be all about your feelings right now. He is the one that strayed, so to speak. He should be bending over backwards to make things right. If it takes you 5 yrs to trust him, too bad for him! He brought about the mistrust in the first place. I would really just try to focus on you at this point and what it is you need to do to feel better and resolve this situation. i really wish the best for you, and I do think some things are worth saving. Its up to you if this is one of those 'things'....Best wishes and thank you so much for updating us, we were worried about you!!!:heart:
 
#63
There is one thing I would get him to do. Ask him to call her on the phone and tell her he wants nothing more to do with her.....WITH YOU STANDING RIGHT THERE, then, YOU speak to her and tell her to get the hell out of your marriage. I would also tell him that the next time you even think he is behaving inappropriately, will be the last time. I know this sounds harsh, but hun, you have got to lift your head up and look him in the eye and show him how to treat you. Good luck.
 
#64
wow.This is horrible.I actually personally know of a friend in the same situation.What I would tell you in ALL HONESTY...And Im so sorry to be blunt....If he is screwing around on the internet..He is and NEVER will be trustworthy again.Only a person who is unhappy and unfaithful would do this and he ISNT going to change.I hope you two can get some counseling....and it works out.Ive been cheated on a long time ago..whether its JUST talking or sex ..IT DOESNT MATTER..ITS WRONG..PERIOD.
My biggest concern is that you will never truly be able to trust him again.Cuz I sure wouldnt.
Good luck and let us know how you are.Im so sorry for all your pain.
 
#65
Wow he didn't try to accuse you of snooping or anything. He admitted that it was all his fault...that makes it a little trickier. Ultimately you know him the best, and if you think he is being honest, then so be it. I think that saying 'once a cheater always a cheater' is somehwat true and not. I cheated once when I was in HS but when I saw what pain I had caused I never ever did it again. To this day I will not do that, but I know there are people who this statement applies too. I think if you do decide to stay with him marriage counseling would be best. Because what he did to you, hurt you in ways you may not even know. Self esteem, trust, and so much more. I wish you the best of luck and know you will do whats best for you...and I wouldn't judge you as a naive person for sticking with him. If you can make it work more power to you!!!
 
#66
dallas said:
There is one thing I would get him to do. Ask him to call her on the phone and tell her he wants nothing more to do with her.....WITH YOU STANDING RIGHT THERE, then, YOU speak to her and tell her to get the hell out of your marriage. I would also tell him that the next time you even think he is behaving inappropriately, will be the last time. I know this sounds harsh, but hun, you have got to lift your head up and look him in the eye and show him how to treat you. Good luck.
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:yes: Very well said! Oh Pink, I am glad you are OK and that you confronted him! I am glad he felt sorry, too. I do not think you should just accept his apology and move on. Some things have to change. Why was he was about to stray? For some reason he communicated with her. Both of you have to change...

Do not let the tramp near him again. Don't ever let anyone overstep their boundaries and into your marriage again. You are too kind and considerate, and some take advantage of that. Perhaps you both need to take some time to be together...
 
#67
Thanks for the update. I don't know what to think--you know him better, obviously; is he truly sorry or sorry he got caught? Why didn't he think about hurting you all the time he was fooling around? And of course he's going to deny anything "real" happened. You have to decide for yourself if you can ever trust him again and what the cost is to your own self-worth.

Best wishes and ((hugs)).
 
#68
Go with your gut instinct I say.

I have an example in my family where the couple split for a little while (the girl wanted a break but we all suspect that there was someone else....)

anyway, long drama cut short, about 6 months later she regretted the whole thing and was running after the guy like nothing. some years later they are happily married and have a baby, and nothing ever happened again.

My point: see whether deep inside you believe him and whether you think it is worth it. Oh, and let him work for it if you decide to stay together.

All the best
 
#69
Pink, I hope he's telling the truth when he says he hasn't slept with her, but that doesn't mean he hasn't done something seriously wrong here!! Whatever way you look at it, he crossed the line with this girl and I'm afraid I would have would've had to know for sure if I were you. He is your husband and you want to believe him and forgive him, I understand that, but what if you let it go, carry on and find out in a few months (or years) time that he was lying through his teeth because he never got caught with his pants down?! I think I would try to find out the girl's side of the story, by finding out who her friends are, who she talks to (I'm sure she's talked about this to somebody...) Maybe you have a friend in her circles and this girl doesn't know the connection..I know this sounds sneaky, but I know I would not be able to rest unless I was 100% sure my husband was telling the truth. If she's been texting him and emailing him, she's not too worried about being found out, so she's probably opened her mouth about it! Find out her side of the story! Then, if it goes with what your husband has told you, it has a better chance of being the truth...Oh Pink, I wish I could say, let it go, it will be alright, but this is just too big to brush under the carpet... If you decide to give him another chance, I hope he doesn't let you down (I'm telling you, he's got all of TPF to deal with if he does and he doesn't want to mess with us!!:cursing::cursing: ) LOL...

Good luck, Pink, sending big hugs your way!!
 
#70
Oh pink, my heart just broke reading your post :sad: This must be a terrible thing you are going through...I'm so sorry that your intuition has been backed up by private messages, texts and his behavior at the funeral. To be frank, there is obviously something going on...whether or not he is the aggressor, that does not matter as they are BOTH guilty of flirting BEYOND a normal friendship. His words to her are inappropriate and suggest that he even if they have not physically cheated, he already has emotionally cheated. I am SO VERY sorry that you have to deal with this, but I believe if you deal with it early on, your marriage may still be able to be saved with counseling.

For the sake of your marriage and your own sanity, talk it out until you have come to SOME terms with it. Then, go see a counselor ASAP. Make it clear what you expect and what you will (or won't) put up with in the future. Trust may be hard to regain, but it CAN happen - especially if you both are 100% commited to making it work.

The best of luck to you :heart:
 
#71
I wish I had the advice-giving guts of Jill and dallas :smile:

Obviously, this is not a decision anybody can or should make for you.

All any of us can do is say what we would do, and some of us have more flexibility than others.

I am already on record as saying listen to your heart, but considering your update, I would amend that to suggest that you also listen to your head, and do what you would want your daughter to do, if you had one in the same situation.
 
#72
I have a coworker who went through the exact same thing you did just recently. The husband claimed that nothing happened, they only text msg'd each other. It took her a long time to forgive him; in fact every now and then she still gives him *hit about it. She told him straight up that he is going to have to do a lot for her to trust him again. And she has kept him on a tight leash! If he wasn't home when he needed to be, she was on the phone right away with him questioning his whereabouts.

This is really tough. I agree with the pp; see a counselor so you both can get some guidance on how to get back on track. Trust is a very difficult thing to lose and earn again. My friend chose to do what she did and it seemed to work for her but you obviously have to do what's best for you and your family.

Good luck!
 
#74
dallas said:
There is one thing I would get him to do. Ask him to call her on the phone and tell her he wants nothing more to do with her.....WITH YOU STANDING RIGHT THERE, then, YOU speak to her and tell her to get the hell out of your marriage. I would also tell him that the next time you even think he is behaving inappropriately, will be the last time. I know this sounds harsh, but hun, you have got to lift your head up and look him in the eye and show him how to treat you. Good luck.
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This is fabulous advice. If you feel like there's still enough love/trust in your heart to give him a second chance, start off by forcing him to make a clean break with that girl in the manner suggested above. Also let him know that you will be "checking up" on him regularly until he has earned your trust back again. He forfeited his right to your trust (and his privacy) when he first started fooling with that girl, so he MUST accept some new restrictions. I.e., no nights out with his buddies for the foreseeable future, no more participation on that forum where he and the girl rendezvous'ed, etc. Instead, he needs to be focusing full-time on YOU right now and your marriage, and on earning back your love.

I really, really hope that this was just a (BIG) misstep and not an indication of how he might behave in the future. I hope you can find reason to trust him again. Hugs to you, hon. I would be furious and heartbroken, too.
 
#75
Hi Ladies

Sorry I have'nt posted for the last few days, but I havent been on my home PC and couldnt post from work so apologies in advance for long post

Anyway, after my last post, on Tuesday, i spoke to him again. He has swore again that nothing happened, and my instinct was still to believe him although I still feel he is very wrong in what he did and it was unacceptable behaviour. I told him that he had deeply hurt me and made me insecure and i deserve better.
He accepted all this said he was stupid and totally wrong: he claims it all got out of hand and he never intented to behave like this, but he did and accepts he was an idiot and foolish, that his behaviour is not acceptable and it would never happen again. He said that the worst thing in this is that he knows he has hurt me and he behaved inappropriately and he realised he stood to loose everything.
He asked me if I had ever felt hurt by him before or had ever felt any reason not to trust him during the five years we had been together and in the six months we had been married. Apart from this incident no, but I said he had thrown away any trust i had in him and he needed to make me trust him again if this was to work.
He had broken off all contact with this girl and even given me the passwords to him email accounts and told me to check them whenever i want.(at the back of my mind says he will delete anything anyway!)
I have told him that if he ever does it again, that is is, our marriage, friendship (whats left of it) and everything else that comes with it is over. He looked sick when I told him this and he said he would never hurt me again.
As it stands now he is trying to put right what he did wrong i must admit he is doing everything he can to be nice to me and it seems sincere, it is small things like cooking or taking me to and from work, rather than grand gestures like buying me gifts (which would be nice but I think this is too easy). Its early days so lets see, I am not commiting to anything just yet, I am seeing how it goes.
I took one of the ladies advice about asking about this girl he had been emailing, its another girl i have known for a few years and she told me she is quite flirty with everybody, including lots of other men. I was suprised when she told me she didnt like her and although i didnt tell her exactly what has gone on, she said she is very much in every bodies lifes all the time whenits not wanted but she is only doing this to be popular and she finds her inmature and actually called her a silly little girl who needs to grow up and learn some boundaries. I was quite suprised as I thought everybody liked her!

anyway ladies, thank you so much for your advice and help and support, i dont think i would have got my head round this or how i should confront him without you all. :heart:

Its not over yet and he has a lot to do to prove himself to me, i like the forum so much and so glad i posted last week. I am going to stick around and continue posting, so hope you dont mind my long posts!!! ;)

Hopefully they will be a lot happier in the future
 
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