can somebody please give me some advice?

  1. Hello this is my first post, although i have been reading the forum for just over four months

    I need some advice I dont know where else to go and am so upset and shocked I cannot even bring myself to talk to my girlfriends onthe phone.

    I have suspected my husband of seven months has been not altogether honest with me for a couple of months. He is always on a internet forum to do with a soccer team in england and because it is local he often meets a lot of them in when the team play. He has also been running a football team and most of them are involved. One of the girls has been getting lifts from him and watching this football team for a while, i found out by accident. My gut instinct was something was going on between them or had the potential too.

    This girl has been sending him private messages via the internet forum and everytime i come into the room or am on our PC is on MSM trying to speak to him, sending little crying smilies if he doesnt say goodnight and she has been texting him.
    I know this is really wrong what I am about to admit to but about a week ago i was really suspicious and looked at his mobile/cell phone and found they had been texting each other some of the messages where really personal for example off her: I am just going to get in the shower, babe, will call you soon and off him Ok honey
    Very sadly one of our friend died suddently in an accident last week which was really was really upsetting and he had a lot to do witht he internet forum and lots of people knew him including her (not very long though only a couple of months, me and my husband had known him for a number of years) I let it go because i knew everybody was upset. we all met up last week, prior to this i had seen this girl about but she had never spoke to me and her face when I walked into the meeting place was a picture, it dropped and she avoided me. Last week i told him i felt insecure about his relationship with her and he told me not to be silly, he could understand how i felt but she was just one of the lads, and no threat. so i felt better....... till this week
    My husband drove quite a few people to the funeral service on valentines day. this guy who died was 38 so understandibly, everybody is really upset. However outside the church, she was the first one after the service he went over to to hug and console. There was a wake which the family put on and he stayed out and his sister came to pick me up and drive me home cause i was tired and had work early the next day...He came home at 3 in the morning.
    Last night she was on MSM all the day and he was respoinding back, so when i come home from work tonight I looked at his private messages, i am wrong to do so, i know i have totally invaded his privacy, but what i have found has made me feel sick.
    one message said from her that she was in work, tired and bored and wanted to go to bed to sleep and he responded with " lets be honest if it was my bed you wouldnt get much sleep" and then there is more about how he would have a pillow fight with her after he has sh*gg*ed her, i am sure you can understand what I mean.
    I am sitting here shaking and crying, he is a cab driver and apparently in work, but there were things said that are making me think he is meeting up with friends and she will be there later tonight.
    I dont know what to do i am heartbroken and cannot believe this is happening, to be fair, it is him being more suggestive than her. i am sorry this is my first post but i honestly cannot think what to do and how to handle this?
    Can anybody advise or help me please?????
     
  2. sorry to hear about this...

    i think you should definitely confront him about this. he shouldn't be talking to any girl like that that isn't you.

    he might not be actually physically cheating but this is unacceptable behavior.

    just talk to him about it. i know it'll be hard but its better than you knowing about all this and he's still doing it.

    and in the end if he is seeing her then kick him to the curb girl..you deserve better :yes:
     
  3. A sit down with your hubby is totally in order and long overdue. I pray for you both and that you are able to work this out. Clearly these actions are inappropriate...
     
  4. thank you, i dont think i am thinking rationally at the moment NYC Belle and I need to calm down and think straight. I do feel really hurt though at how familiar he is being with this girl. I have just come back from new york from vacation and i loved it you are lucky to live in such a great city, england is now very dull compared to NYC!
     
  5. so you dont think i am over reacting? I am so hurt by all this, he promised he would never hurt me and always look after me, i have been hurt before and he knows how bad i was so i am shocked by his actions
     
  6. i def don't think you're overreacting...if it was me i would have hit the roof already.

    you're in this relationship too so you have a right to know about whats going on.

    PS. I really want to go to London!
     
  7. Pink:

    I am sincere when I say this, I wish I can just go poof and make things all better for you, but I cant... and I can't tell you how you are feeling or what I think about your reactions, what I can do is be here in cyber spirit for you and pray that you work things out....Marriage is about trust, communication and compromise etc. etc. follow your heart.. and communicate.....:heart:
     
  8. I completely agree...and I don't think you're overreacting at all.
     
  9. Confront him, and do it ASAP. I've cheated in the past (very shamefully, never happening again), and I know how it goes...pretty much like what you're describing :/ It's a crappy as hell thing to do, to do ANY of what he's doing, so sit him down and talk to him as soon as possible to see what is going on. If he denies what is going on, or changes topics...kick him to the curb, because if your instinct that he isn't being honest with you is flaring up, it is RIGHT.

    *to add on, I have cheated once on my current SO. It was a huge, HUGE, STUPID mistake, and we separated for almost a year. But the situation is NOT beyond repair, as we have now been happily dating for quite a while now, and love each other dearly. It just takes time, trust, patience, and a lot of honesty. If you think your guy is worth it, talk it out and see what works best for the two of you. Sorry if I'm not very helpful :/
     
  10. I really don't know what to say, I am so so sorry that must be awful, if it was me I would confront him and see what he has to say about it:sad:
     
  11. I am truly sorry you are going through this. First off, you are not in the wrong IMO to read through his messages if you are suspicious! I agree with the others that you really need to sit him down and discuss these things that have come to your attention. You will have to take it from there. See what he says, and then decide what the appropriate actions are for you to take next. I wish you luck and strength...((HUGS))
     
  12. I have never dealt with something like this but I'm so sorry! My heart hurt reading your post. I hope everything works out for you. :hugs:
     
  13. Oh, Pink! Hang in there!
    But Pink, it seems like there were opportunities to talk or chat with her. If she is IM-ing on your family computer or talking to him at get-together with friends, go up to her and say 'Hi, what's up?' (And then smack her!-No, just kidding. Seriously!) Claim your territory! He's your man! She seems like the pushy, selfish type with no respect towards you or your marriage.

    You do have to talk to him, but not accuse him of anything. He will probably feel (selfishly) violated if he knows you have been reading his messages, but THAT is not the issue. I wouldn't tell him unless it is absolutely necessary.

    You need to be very strong and believe in yourself and your marriage! Spend time with him, and try to attend his events to show some support.
     
  14. I think you have answered all your own questions, and if you just continue listening to your heart, your "gut," you will find your advice right there, although you may not like it, and though you may want to run from it, throw it in the trash, flush it down the toilet, you can't, precisely because it is in you.

    I am very very sad that you are going through this.

    If you have a relative or close friend who lives in another city that you can call on to help you get through the horror of it, get back on your feet, and move on to the better life, and one day, the real love that you want and deserve, this is the time to call on that person.

    And it would be a good idea to hook up with a counselor, too, to help you develop some tools and strategies to preserve yourself, and take care of yourself, which is your priority.

    There is not one of us (or at least very few of us) who has not been in the place where you are now, and it would be a lie to tell you it is anything but a terrible, awful place, and it is for that very reason that all your energy, your whole focus, must be on getting yourself out of that place, physically, emotionally, every way.

    I wish I could give you a hug that would tell you that although it seems impossible, you WILL emerge, you WILL get through it, and although it may hurt you for a long time, even after you do get out of the awful place, even that hurt, with more time, and especially with that real love that will one day find you :smile: while I am not going to spew any ******** about it making you stronger or being good for you, even that faded hurt will melt into wisdom and empathy for your little sisters all over the world for whom that place waits, and who will, like you, scramble up over its slimy walls and back into the light.
     
  15. thanks for all your replies and advice

    gr8heart: i do try and go to most things he does and offer as much support as possible, when he is playing soccer though at the weekends lately he has made no time for me and i have never wanted to be a pushy partner so, have tried to do things with my own friends and not be demanding more time etc

    i have met her and she is younger than me which makes me feel even more insecure

    i will let you know how I get on, at the moment i just feel really sad and not happy :crybaby: