Best friend woes. advice?

  1. I have been best friends with, well let's call her "D", D for nearly 13 years now. I love her to death and since we are both only children she has always been like the sister I never had. Naturally, as many close friendships go, during and after college we both got into VASTLY different interests and lives but still remained best friends, even to this day. She is single, a complete jetsetter, flexible career, worldwide party girl, more INDIE fashion follower than mainstream, but yet somehow can be REALLY practical minded. I, on the other hand; got married at 25 (no children), started a career as a school teacher, enjoy quiet evenings and dinners with my friends rather than parties, I do ALSO love to travel but it's with my husband now.... not to jetset and party.

    Anyway, even though we remain best friends and talk frequently sometimes I feel like we are just so unrelatable. It really hit me this evening when we got into a "shopping" conversation, which we RARELY do because we have such different habits. She ACTUALLY said to me, "yeah, the other day when you were talking about ANOTHER hangbag I was like "WHA'.. ANOTHER ONE." I don't get it, I know this is what you like but I just think it's such a waste."

    :wtf: :sad: :crybaby:

    She REPEATEDLY makes comments about these sort of things and dislikes how I like designer ANYTHING. YET, this is the woman that JUST finished telling me she decided she is spending 4 months in Europe this spring/summer to see friends, party, etc. The amount that she spends on this ONE TRIP is more than I will spent on bags/shoes ALL YEAR.

    I know I shouldn't care what others think but it's REALLY hard when it's your best friend/sister. The way she talks about some of the things I like to do, collect, buy, places I travel to, etc... really hurts my feelings. Sometimes I feel like it's ok for HER to do semi-"extravagant" things but it's not ok for ME to do them because it's not what SHE likes.

    I don't know, does anyone have these kind of relationships that can offer advice? I've talked to her about it before and she apologizes for making me feel bad but it never really changes her opinion, or voicing of it. I love her and don't want to lose her friendship but the WORST part is I find myself PURPOSEFULLY not telling her things sometimes 'cause I don't want to deal with the judgement. And, I know, this is NOT how it should be with best friends!

    Hmm. :shrugs:


    Thank you. :heart:
     
  2. I know that this sounds useless...but I would just talk to her again. Let her know how much it hurts you when she says certain things, and ask her how she would like it if you were to judge her lifestyle. Also be sure to tell her you feel this is endangering your friendship and that you really, REALLY don't want anything to go wrong between you two. Good luck! I hope things work out.
     
  3. Sounds like a matter of different values... you can't really compare the money spent on traveling to Europe and shoes and bags... one is an experience, and the other are material things. It's not really right for her to make the judgment call on whether the former is more worthwhile than the latter.

    I wouldn't let it get to you. Sounds like she has a habit of being tactless, but if you guys are truly close, it's probably not out of malice. I would just let it slide off your back. Besides, it's wonderful to have a wide variety of friends... I imagine "D" has very fun stories to share!
     
  4. I would definetely talk to her about the things she says that makes you upset. As a best friend, she should respect that you just have a different way of life. It is definetely hard as best friends grow up, start going in different directions to keep a close bond.
     
  5. this reminds me of when miranda (from sex and the city) is into trashy magazines and everyone's like "wahh," and she just responds every time, "it's my thing, let it go." i always think of that whenever someone makes some kind of judgment based on differences in values. i totally understand the pain of loving a friend who makes you feel bad whereas the vice versa doesn't occur. I had it happen recently with one of my roommates. I would just tell her next time she says something that it's just your thing, and she has things/values you don't find appealing or agree with, and both of you should just let it go. it's a matter of respecting each other's different values. you can't force someone to have yours. doesn't it get kind of boring when someone is only friends with others who are completely identical to them? aren't differences and different perspectives part of the fun of making friends?
     
  6. This happened to me with a great girlfriend I had all through high school, college and a few years after that as roomies when we were first starting our jobs. We just grew in different directions and actually got competitive in a weird way. You change a LOT between ages 15-25 and as much as I tried to tell her how things felt to me that upset me (very similar things to what you mentioned even though both of us were single), the fact that she remained aloof about my feelings was my cue that it was time to move on.
     
  7. I think you can be friends and have very different tastes.I also think friends mature,yet sometimes grow apart.
    I would make a point in telling her how you feel!Its important!
     
  8. A somewhat similar thing happened between me and my best friend ... we didn't have anything to talk about ... we grew apart.... It didn't feel good that we did, but we did. Now I don't talk to her as much but when we do it's not as awkward as when we forced each other to get together regulary to talk about our very different lives. So now we meet up irregularly once in awhile, therefore we build up things to talk about over a period of time, and genuinely stay interested in each other.

    I suggest talking to her about your frustration. She'll understand.
     
  9. My best friend and I have been best friends for the last 21 years, since we were 11. We did everything together, sat next to each other in class, spent weekends together, joined all the same clubs. We moved away, then moved to the same town again, and then she got married, moved away, had a child and everything changed. Our priorities had become completely different. She was so focused on being a mother (granted her child had severe allergies and she was completely stressed out), she stopped calling and never came to visit. I tried to visit her every so often, and rang her every month (but she was always too busy to talk). I started to seriously resent her. I was so angry, I told DH I would never speak to her again, because I was so low on her priority list, I wasn't part of her life unless I forced her to spend time with me. Also, our interests were so different, it was as if we had to force the conversation.

    Luckily for me, DH refused to let me give up on our friendship. He actually dialed her number, and made me talk to her. We were both crying on the phone, and I said how angry I was, how sad I was and how disappointed I was. She was completely shocked, and had no idea I was so upset. She apologised profusely and said that she didn't want to burden me with her 'boring' life. We made a pact to speak to each other every two weeks. I wish I could say it all became right again. It took nearly a year, another several heartfelt conversations before we got back on track. We catch up in person every month now (we each drive and meet up halfway, as we live 2 hours away), and speak on the phone regularly. She is still and always will be my best friend, but it takes work on both sides. I'll be seeing her in a couple of weeks because her eldest son (my godson) is getting baptised!

    Good luck!! Friendships are never easy, but if you are both willing to understand the other person, and not hurt the other person on purpose, you can make it work.
     
  10. I think it's a good idea to have a heart to heart talk again. At least let her know that you do not wish to lose this friendship that you treasured for so long.
     
  11. Great story & thanks for sharing. I bet this happens to folks all the time.
     
  12. I have a bff..we've been friends for almost 24 years now. We were always close. We were friends and our families became friends because of us. She's in UK now and am in US and I haven't seen her for 5 years. We make it a point to email/talk often, but there have been times when she and I have been really busy and not talked for 4-5 months.

    I think that personal attitudes need to be set aside a little when being freinds. If one person thinks the other is overindulgent in some matter, it shouldn't be mentioned unless it's something bad (like drinking too much or other things detrimental to their health). Maybe the friend is concerned for your finances in some way?
     
  13. honeslty i don't think she's your best friend any more...your jsut desperately holding onto that title for dear life :s
     
  14. Ok... I don't want to sound like Captain Obvious here, but why not just try not talking to her about your handbag affinity anymore? It sounds like she doesn't understand. That's okay -- some people don't. I mean I don't talk to my husband about my purse obsession, because I know he doesn't get it, and I'm sure you don't talk to yours about it either. Just because you can't talk about shopping doesn't mean you can't be friends!
     
  15. :crybaby: I'm actually tearing up reading this because your DH sounds like a sweetheart like mine.

    One of my best friends (of eight years) recently moved to London for a year. Before the move, she had committed to being a bridesmaid in my wedding. After she moved, I repeatedly tried to get in touch with her about it to no avail and finally I got an email (an email!!) from her, 3 weeks before the wedding, saying she wasn't going to be able to make it. I was so mad that she had ignored me for so long only to back out at the last minute, I vowed never to speak to her again. But my DH (who has never even met her, since she moved right before we got engaged) encouraged me to get back in touch. There's definitely still a sore spot, but we are friends again now b/c of him.

    Anyway, didn't mean to hijack the thread, just wanted to say I have been there. :smile: