Being harassed/approached by men you don't know.

  1. I recently moved back to the big city and am having a really hard time adjusting. I used to live in the subarbs where I would never be bothered by peverted men. In fact, there weren't any. If people were friendly, it would be a genuine friendly hello or such which I feel is great. I used to go out often and even if I was wearing something suggestive... god forbid... a sleeveless shirt of some sort, it would still be alright. In my 5 years living there I had never ever been harassed despite the fact that I went out often, and late at night sometimes too.

    Well, since I've moved to the city I HARDLY ever go out for pleasure as each time I have gone out I have been harassed by peverted men that I do not know. Some have cat called, others speak to me all the while looking at me in a "undressing you with their eyes look" (a lot of this seems subjective but believe me, I am not exaggerating), some have even approached me and tried to touch me! :yucky: My mother has always said it was simply coincidence. Well... today, I took the bus to the public health office to get immunizations for my trip to South America. I walked 2 blocks from my house got on the bus. A old man on and stood by me and kept staring at me in an odd way and attempted to speak to me.:wtf: The bus was not crowded at all. No big deal I thought. I moved. I got off at my stop and proceeded to walk 2 blocks to the health office. This guy who was just sitting on the street in bummy clothing and missing teeth got up and walked toward me. I did not think anything of it until he grabbed my upper arm as we were passing and squeezed it then smiled me the most peverted smile ever. I was so shocked by the situation it was over before I knew it. :s I was very upset by this occurance. I just want to be left alone and not have to be bothered. This and all my numerous other experiences jsut built up inside. I was frustrated and upset. Less then 5 minutes later, another man I walked past said "heeeellllooooo" and stopped and turned around to stare at me again in a peverted manner. At this i broke down and began to cry. Yes, me, a grown woman crying on the street in the district right by city hall. :crybaby::cry: :crybaby:I tried my best to hold it in but the last man just pushed me over the top. It was very embarassing. let me put in that I was fully dressed from head to toe, you could only see my face and hands and keep in mind that I am in no way a gorgeous woman, I am average looking but quite petite. I try not to let these occurances bother me but I just feel so upset by them. It happens almost every time I leave the house.
  2. welcome back to the big city! the guy that grabbed your arm could actually be arrested for assault. otherwise, its unfortunate but you better get used to freaky guys yelling stuff out at you. sooner or later, you'll learn to just tune them out. if you acknowledge them in any way, thats exactly what they want - a reaction from you. If you ignore them, they move on to the next target. but never ever accept anyone putting their hands on you. It is against the law.
  3. Out of curiosity, which city is this? I'd like to know so I can stay away! :p
    That said, there will always be lecherous jerks out there, and you, my friend, appear to be what I've always referred to as a "freak magnet." For some reason they like you. I suggest buying a can of mace or pepper spray and using it the next time anyone touches you without your permission. Even if they see it just in your hand they might think twice about approaching/leering at you.
  4. I get alot of that unfortunately, I think it's due to all the high sexual energy in the media that oversaturates the market every day to the point where men (and women) think that it is ok and normal.

    i hate it though./
  5. The guy who grabbed your arm - you should have knocked the rest of his teeth out.

    Unfortunately, this is the world we live in today. If I were you, I'd get some pepper spray and USE IT the next time someone touches you. Then proceed to kick the crap of them while waiting for the police to show up to rescue the idot perv.

    I get looks all the time and I'm often with my husband! Some people could care less. They are perverts who want your attention. Be very aware of your surroundings but don't make eye contact with them. Act aloof, move fast and ignore them. But don't be afraid to continue with your life. Just be prepared. Sorry this happened to you.
  6. This is in San Francisco and from my personal experience in this city (the area considered San Francisco county seems better but I lived smack in the city). I don't understand because many other people who live here love it and don't have these situations occur to them. My friends who visit think its a lovely city, love taking public transportation, and think I am exaggerating. But in all honesty, I am not. Unfortunately, for me 2 times out of 3 that I take the bus I am harassed in one way or another. These things seriously happen to me all the time. After a 2 week vacation out of the city without being bothered. The minute I returned.... it happened again! I was waiting outside SFO for my ride to come and a bunch of men the ones who work at the airport loading luggage or something walked past me and whistled calling out to me. Again I was FULLY dressed with only my hands and face showing. I sometimes feel liek it only happens to me. It is very upsetting,frustrating, and violating. I cannot believe I let these people upset me to the point of crying on a busy street but I was just so upset. When I put into words what happened it does not seem severe but experiencing it feels much different.

    I have pepper spray but isn't it illegal to spray someone with it? I must also admit I am afraid if I spray someone their friends (especially if it was someone just hanging around the streets) would do worse than simply leer at me. It is a very scary experience to have someone grab you for those of you who have been unfortunate to have experienced it. I have experienced it many times. These men usually won't rape you but they want to touch you, make you feel uncomfortable and violated, and sort of tease you into becoming angry because it gives them pleasure in some sick peverted way. On top of it, I can only imagine telling big city cops 'yes, I sprayed this man because he reached out to squeeze my arm as I walked past him.' I can jsut imagine the man saying 'I was just saying a friendly hello or she sprayed me only because I look like a bum and she discrimiates against people like me.'
  7. I'm so sorry this keeps happening to you. Just try not to show them it bothers you I can imagine it's very upsetting but if push come to shove just call the police and let them handle the situation.
  8. I'm sorry this happens to you but it's usually a norm when you go into the big city. I hate it too when they try to harrass my friends and I but we usually just ignore them.
  9. Pepper spray is legal in all 50 states. But, it may be regulated depending on where you live. I would check with your local police department just to be sure.

    You can use it for self defense - like if someone threatens you physically by putting their hands on you. You can't use it for obscene language or verbal threats or just because someone looks menacing or like a "bum".

    If someone touches you without your consent, they ARE violating you. It doesn't have to go as far as an actual rape for it to be an assult.

    I really feel bad for you. And I KNOW it's frustrating. Really, I know. But don't be afraid. You just have to be as well prepared as possible.
  10. I live in SF also. You should investigate taking a self-defense course. More than anything else, you need to walk with confidence. You need to look these *******s in the eye. Yell at them!! Don't be afraid of hurting their feelings, or looking "not nice." Screw that. And always trust your instincts, and stay 100% aware of your surroundings. Do not live in fear.

    I don't even see these people anymore. They are completely blocked out.
  11. I'm really sorry this happened to you...especially with so many events happening close together no wonder it was overwhelming. :sad:

    When I'm out on the street by myself in a big city, I walk around like I own the street. Sometimes you've got to work it with a lil' attitude, as in thinking "don't mess with me." Or "visual daggers" work too if someone is violating your space. As far as the pervert who grabbed your arm, yelling and a kick in the balls next time (hopefully no next times for that!!)

    If you ('you' in the general sense) walk around with a meek or submissive vibe, creeps like this will pick up on it. You have to walk around like you mean business and won't take s :censor: from anyone. In a confident way, not an angry way.

    I'm sure this was a shock after the suburbs, but it's a reality in any big city...there are all types out there.

    Good luck! :flowers:
  12. Yea.. It takes time to get used to it again.

    Men are perverted. Bottom line. Ifyou give them attention it just furthers their taunts.

    I usually pretend i'm deaf and walk right by... or roll my eyes.
  13. two words: pepper spray. :yes: don't use it for the people who just look at you, but the one that grabbed you? heck yes...spray him in the eyes and don't look back. and btw the police really don't take kindly to people who touch young women without their permission. i wouldn't worry about them not taking your side.

    but definately eyes ahead, confidant walk, shoulders back. look like you mean bussiness and have someplace to be and they'll leave you alone. for the most part. they eyes ahead thing really helps. you won't even notice them looking at you.

    it will be something you need to get used to though to some extent. i get catcalled/eye undressed even when i'm with my husband. and i'm not a "slutty" dresser in any sense of the word (not that that would excuse it). it's just become part of being a young woman in the city at this point. *sigh* so sad.

    good luck! :flowers:
  14. Thank you so much everyone! I feel better now. It really was overwhelming for me as all three cases happened with in 15 minutes. With the guy grabbing me, it happened so fast I didn't even have time to react. *sigh* I miss subarbs but I am in this city to stay so I will look into a self-defense class and will continue to try to put more confidence into my walk and body launguage. I am sorry to say but it is times like this when I wish I was a guy or at least a big woman. If I am with a male friend, things like this do not happen to me. It is frustrating for me, as a grown but petite woman, to not be able to go out alone in the city without experiencing such things. But, I'll do waht I have to do.
  15. I'm not in the city and this happens to me everyday as I wait for my bus in front of the apartment. Cat calls, stares, whistles.....everything and anything except for physical contact. I even had a guy come up to the front of the bus one day while I was on it and he said I was pretty and asked if I would have a glass of wine some day with him. I politely declined but I was shaking inside. I dress very conservatively for work, really casual and covered from head to toe. It just happens and I ignore it but I do get scared, embarrassed and mortified at the same time but I try to block it out. I refuse to let someone else dictate how I should feel about myself.

    It's such a shame that this happens. I hope this experience will only make you more determined to go to the city whenever you want to.