B-Bag Moral Dilemma

[acutemark]

Hello All!

Longtime reader first time poster.

Not to long ago I purchased on my first B-Bag. It was the olive, calf-hair First. I loved this bag, though small, it still managed to hold all my stuff. I was even wearing it the night I got engaged. Now, I want a City.

The thing is, My Fiancée does not understand why I love these bags so much and thinks it is a waste of money to spend on a handbag. Though he thinks buying a rifle is fine (was in the Marines loves his arsenal). When I purchased one of the fake bags from Bluefly last week I was so upset I got it in my head I would no longer buy from that site and actually go to the Balenciaga store. I work in SoHo so it is a quick train ride from me.

The problem is if I manage to secure an InkCity I am afraid to bring the bag into the house. I am not scared of my Fiancée’s reaction but his disappointment in me for spending that much money on a handbag. I should not have to sneak packages into the house. This is not a good start to a marriage having to lie to your spouse. I am responsible with my money and I never spend more than I have. Seriously, it is not his money so why does he care I spend my own money on something that makes me happy.


Had this ever happen to anyone else?

 

[addictedtopurses]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

I agree that you don't want to start off your marriage sneaking things into the house (it sets up all kinds of trust issues). I suggest talking to your fiance about your desire for this bag and explain to him how you can afford to purchase it and still not go into debt. Ultimately, if you have the money and it won't cause you financial hardship, he should respect your decision. However, it is your decision (since we're talking about your money) to make.

good luck and let us know how it turns out

 

[Bella Blonde]

Welcome!

I do that now! It's not because I don't have the right to purchase what I want, or feel guilty about buying these bags. Quite frankly, I just don't want to deal with the eye-rolling and sighing. My other option is having the same conversation every time I buy a bag.

I have never before dealt with a situation like this in this manner. However, I'm not gonna throw him out because he thinks I'm silly to buy bags like this. I also have stopped educating him on handbags!! I told him waaaaay too much about LV, so I can't just say, "it's just a bag". I just got my first b-bag, and when he asked about it, I said it's a new purple purse. No deception even! Just no in-depth discussion and review of receipts!

 

[VipStyle]

This is not a good start to a marriage having to lie to your spouse

Well you are right but I lie to my Husband all the time.LOL When I say lie I mean I just don't tell him how much the bag REALLY IS..I usually make the price of the bag half or tell him I got it on ebay CHEAP..I don't look at this as a lie..I look at it as Making your marriage work and not fighting and still getting what you want ,,,purses..LOL (I think he knows the truth to be honest....I think He just likes to see what stories I come up with)...He just likes to see me happy as ALL MEN DO..They want to see there ladies happy..I think ALL OF us at 1 time or another have sneaked things in the house when there man is not home..I KNOW I HAVE..and when asked if that bag is NEW I say THIS OLD THING LOL..I have so many bags he forgets what I have.LOL
Don't worry He will understand..You have to train him now before you get married LOL
GOOD LUCK

 

[winternight]

Well I explained it my boyfriend this way, for men suits and ties signify their status and achievements, for women its a purse and jewerly - well he actually has no problems with the jewerly part. He just bought a couple of suits from Barneys, so it wasn't a hard sell. He know actualyl wants me to get a Muse, he was like you can afford it, why not.

Also, we're planning on keeping our finances separate should we get married. I think if you two are then it shouldn't be so much of a problem. And how much does he spend on guns? Yikes.

 

[abbyroad]

I totally understand your predicament. My husband doesn't understand expensive handbags at all. I have one Balenciaga bag, and when I went to buy it at BNY, I called him from there just to let him know I was about to purchase it (my friend who accompanied me to the store talked me into telling him pre-purchase). We didn't exactly have a fight, but more of a "let's talk about this tonight". So I put it on hold. It definitely started an interesting discussion. My husband really likes to get the best of whatever he's buying (whether it's for him, me, or both of us). I explained that while he may spend $1500 on a suit that he wears once a month or less, I wanted to spend $1000 on a handbag I would carry much more frequently. He still isn't entirely convinced, although I ended up going back the next day to buy the bag. For some reason, he has this block on handbags -- he even agreed with me that he's being irrational. He said he would understand better if I used the money to buy a dress or two (and I rarely wear dresses, so that doesn't make much sense). But ultimately he came to the conclusion that if either of us really wants something (and we can afford it), then we should be able to have it.

So this all happened around New Years and I wouldn't say he's come around to the idea enough that I could go out and buy another one right now without causing a fight. But...I think that he is starting to see how happy the bag makes me and hopefully he'll learn to love it like I do... (and I really hope he does because my new job is less than a block from Barneys )

 

[acutemark]

I am bad. He is my best friend and I made the mistake of teaching him about bags, since he taught me about guns. Now he knows how to spot a fake! I discussed my concerns with him and the main issue comes down to is that ever since my big purse splurge (an LV speedy on my birthday a few years ago), he thinks I am obsessed with handbags. My last big purchase was a Chloe tobacco Paddington and I love this bag too and wear it everyday….BUT I have been wanting a City for a really long time and I explained that to him. He is worried that next season I will want another bag and it will never stop. That I am infatuated with the “material”. I assured him that is not the case and will not happen. I think he knows I am lying when I tell him that my bags are from Canal street (lol..the Chole definitely is not!). So, I will venture out to 22nd & 10th and I am kind of nervous. I half hope they do not have the Ink City in stock but if they do I’ll be thrilled…unless I just get the black. I think he is now prepared when I get home to see if I emerge with “My Kill.”

I also believe another problem is that he wants me to wait until Bluefly gives me my money back. I am afraid if I wait the three months to have that money put back in I’ll miss out on the Ink which I should have just purchased from the store in the first place.

 

[acutemark]

And how much does he spend on guns? Yikes.[/quote]

Funny you mention that the most he ever spent on a gun was $1500. But he had sold another gun to pay for it. My rational is, well he had to buy that first gun somehow. Plus he has 8 riffles. LOL - he wont even let me buy him an expensive suit too!

 

[susan-eric]

I think a lot of straight men just don't understand the handbag thing--but the important point is that, because money is such a common subject for couples to fight over, it's worthwhile thinking about how to manage spending so that neither one of you feels that you don't have autonomy and access to whatever it is you like to buy that you can afford. If you're accepting of his purchases then he should be accepting of yours. Or, if that's not going to happen and it's just too alien an idea that a handbag is worth over $1000 and you "need" it, then maybe each of you should have separate accounts for discretionary spending and a don't ask don't tell policy over what certain things have cost.

 

[acutemark]

You are absolutely right. We intend on have a joint account for household expenses and bills which we will contribute equally and a separate one for myself and him.

 

[kezza]

When I bought my Novak a few weeks back my BF gave me a very hard time about spending so much money on a bag, and even said outright that he would be seriously annoyed if I bought another bag. Well, what did I do but buy another bag a couple weeks later. I had planned on hiding it from him (which would have been fairly easy, we only stay with each other half the week), but when he came over last week I decided to bite the bullet and show him. I mentioned it over the phone first, I asked if he'd be pissed if he came over and I had another new bag. We laughed and that took a lot of the weight off of it. I think admitting that, yes, it is sort of insane for me to spend all this money on bags all the time, helped him not be angry at me about it. I don't know your fiance, so I can't guage what his reaction will be, but I was genuinely scared about BF's response to the new bag and it ended up being no big deal. If you hide it from him and the truth comes out you'll be much worse off than if you come clean from the start.

 

[jag]

I have a very simple solution. Take your husband to the Hermes Subforum, and then tell him, "See, and you thought I was nuts for spending only $1000 on a handbag that I will have forever!"

Ok, so it may be slightly embellished, but he will get the point. My DH thinks I am beyond insane, and after all my talk about a Birkin, he now thinks my Balenciaga was a deal! LOL! He just wishes I would stop this "ridiculous obsession" now. Oh well, he knew what he was getting when he married me

 

[susan-eric]

FYI--this article:


Marriage And Money By: Dr. Dorree Lynn

Studies show that money issues are the highest cause of marital conflict and cause for divorce. Conflicts over money and money management outweigh conflicts over sex (including affairs) and differences over raising children as the greatest trouble area in a marriage. Partners enter a marriage with an intensely personal history of how they have handled money that has usually been learned from their families of origin. When the two people who are part of a couple have different expectations, thundering fights and lightening clashes can occur.
I have worked with many couples who seem more relaxed talking about the variety of sexual positions they have or have not experimented with than how much money one or both of them earns. Bill and Nadine are typical of a couple who love each other dearly, but whose marriage almost ended because of their different attitudes towards finances.
Bill grew up as the only child of a hard working father and homemaker mother. At an early age, he began working in his father’s butcher shop. His father had a strong work ethic and taught Bill never to take a day off, even if he was ill. Vacations were infrequent and had were considered a reward for a job well done. And, of course, a penny saved was considered a future dollar earned.
Nadine’s parents had about the same amount of money as Bill’s, but Nadine was taught that money was to be used for giving and spending and that “tomorrow would take care of itself.” She was generous to a fault and considered issues such as credit card debt just one of life’s small hurdles to be handled when the time came. Although not a spendthrift, she was relaxed and casual around money matters. She liked to play and although she too could be a hard worker, she had been taught that the way one rejuvenated her self was to take as many vacations as she could.
They fell in love, married and within three months they were in my office screaming “divorce.” Bill felt as if Nadine was totally irresponsible, behaved like a child and that her spending habits would put them in the poor house. Nadine felt as if “her wings were clipped,” and as if Bill was looking over her shoulder every second. She described her feelings as being unable to breathe and as if she was going to emotionally die.
Bill and Nadine originally had been attracted to each other by the very differences that they now found impossible to live with. In fact, they were like opposite pairs of bookends. If you put them together, the two halves made a whole. I am sure some sensible part of each of them understood that alone they were unbalanced and together they could make a good team. That is, if they didn’t kill each other first.
Therapy helped them to understand their different histories and expectations and over time, each one slowly moved slightly towards the center. Their disastrous fights lessened and they could begin to remember why they fell in love in the first place. It took courage for each of them to learn how to listen to the other and to give up pieces of their own dearly cherished beliefs. By the time they left therapy, money was rarely an issue between them.
But, I wonder what would have happened to this marriage if they hadn’t received help? I doubt that it would have lasted and it would have gone the way of so many marriages where each partner finds the other’s attitude and ways of managing money totally incomprehensible.
Money is both a metaphor and a reality. Talking openly and communicating about money becomes another way for you and your spouse to get to know each other. Attitudes towards money range from the penurial to the extravagant. There is no reason to run to the divorce court just because you and your spouse have different ways of managing your finances.
Attitudes and relationships towards finances are unique to you and reveal a good deal about who you are and how you operate. Dollars and cents are the interface or unit of exchange between you and society and learning where you stand along the continuum, from prudent to expansive, can help you learn more about how you negotiate through life. The more you understand about yourself and your spouse when money matters, the better chance you have of working out a successful marriage. Try it.
Life is too hard to do alone,
Dr. D.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

About the Author
Dr. Dorree Lynn is co-founder of the Institute for the Advanced Study of Psychotherapy and a practicing clinician in New York and Washington, DC. Dr. Lynn served on the executive board of the American Academy of Psychotherapists and she is on the editorial board of their publication, Voices. She is also a regular columnist for the Washington, DC newspaper, The Georgetowner. Dr. Lynn is a noted speaker and well known on the lecture circuit.

 

[Irissy]

You are absolutely right. We intend on have a joint account for household expenses and bills which we will contribute equally and a separate one for myself and him.

This is what I intend to do as well.

 

[acutemark]

Well, I did it! I went to the Balenciaga store (so hidden, I almost did not find it) and I purchased a Black City. I am sooo happy. I love it! All they had left in the Ink was the Day and it was too big for me. I looked inside and it was way too deep. Let me just say when I came home trotting with my bag my Fiancée said nothing. Sure throughout the night I would here the $1200 comment under his breath, but you know what, he knew I wanted it very badly so what could he do. Ok, I also told him I would buy him a video game this morning. Living with my future husband for nearly a year now, he accepts my faults and I accept his. Most importantly we communicate and we just want to make each other happy.

I will post pics as soon as I can!! Thanks again for the advise it is nice to know that I am not alone.

And let me just say the SA at the store are super nice, friendly and patient. The store itself is pretty cool, looks like more like a gallery and less like a store. I suggest if ever in the area to check it out.