Are you a parent? I need your help!!

[Sternchen]

Hi everybody,

Dunno how many of you read my post about me constantly babysitting my cousin Nicole - but there are some problems that are starting to pop up with her that I'm not sure how to handle. I tried talking to her parents (who only see her about 2 hours a day), but they weren't much help.

1. She's starting to detach from her mother. When her mother picks her up from our house, Nicole screams, cries, kicks, basically does anything she can not to go with her mom. I feel terrible for my aunt, because it seems kind of obvious that Nicole doesn't want to be there...but I don't know how to get rid of this problem. She's also started calling me mommy. We were at the pool the other day and a boy took away one of her toys, and she came to me screaming "MOMMY MOMMY!". :weird:

2. I think it's about time to start introducing time-outs to her. She doesn't understand the word "no" and when I try and explain to her why I'm upset, all she does is hit me and run away. I've tried time out with her before, but she keeps running after me screaming. I don't leave the room while she's in time out. I just sit her on a stool in the kitchen and ask her to sit quietly for a few minutes. Any tips on time out?

3. Co-sleeping. I've been asked by her mother to break her from cosleeping, but I don't know how. When she takes her nap (she doesn't always, but on some days she does), I basically have to lay in bed with her and snuggle until she goes to sleep. When I get up, she wakes up, cries, and then we go through the same routine again. *stress*

Help????/

 

[Japster]

I need more background--how old is she?

 

[Prada Psycho]

Her mommy need to be be her mommy. Period. It's not your job to raise, discipline and help develop healthy habits in HER child. It's HER responsibility. I'm beyond SICK of people wanting to have children then not being responsible parents after the fact, expecting society (or family and friends) to do it for them.

An aside for you: never deal with a child when you are angry. It's counterproductive. Kids don't respond to angry adults. They become terrified of them.


If anyone needs a time-out, you do and a good long one. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because you need to hand cousin back to mommy. I don't know the whole situation here, but seriously, it's time to hand over your cousin to your Aunt and let her deal with this.

My 2 cents worth.

 

[Japster]

First issue, You may want to make it an easier transition when her mom comes to pick her up by preparing her for it.

Calmly start talking about "mommy's coming to get you in a few hours" and make it more of a positive experience by doing an activity where she draws a picture or makes something for mommy. You can keep discussing with her about how exciting it is that she'll be able to give the drawing/card to mama.

 

[caannie]

These are all issues her PARENTS should be addressing!! The co-sleeping is something THEY need to work on at HOME!! I lie down with my child every night, but I get up when she goes to sleep or a little before. And she can go to sleep on her own. This is not an easy task, breaking a child of needing someone in bed with them. Her parents need to be practicing this at night at their house.

As far as hitting and not understanding the word "no"... this is also an issue for the parents. Do they spank? Do they do time out? The child needs to go to her room and cry it out.

If she calls you Mommy, you need to correct her and give her another name she can call you that is simple for her and conforting. Maybe just by your own name or by a nickname she likes. Don't feel bad that she doesn't want to go home with Mommy... young kids adjust fast to whatever environment they are placed in, so at the end of the day they usually don't want to leave what they are doing.

 

[Sternchen]

I need more background--how old is she?

Nicole is 3. She goes to kindergarten in the mornings (her mom drops her off), and I pick her up in the afternoons.

If anyone needs a time-out, you do and a good long one. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because you need to hand cousin back to mommy. I don't know the whole situation here, but seriously, it's time to hand over your cousin to your Aunt and let her deal with this.

I definitely agree, and I have tried talking to my aunt and uncle about it. My uncle is totaly understanding, but there's nothing that he can really do since he works all day. He (now) picks up Nicole as often as he can before his wife comes home - but there are times where he just can't. Basically, the problem lies with my aunt. She works at a bakery, and is the only one there with a young child, but she always gets the hours where she *won't* be able to see her daughter. All of the other ladies work during the day, and have time off in the afternoons - but her boss never has her for that shift. She doesn't say anything since she fears losing her job (she won't...). They can kind of afford for her not to work, but then she wouldn't be able to go shopping every weekend, go out to clubs with her friend, etc.

If I wouldn't do this...nobody would. My mom works during the day, and my grandmother (who is 73) just can't anymore. Where would she put Nicole if I wouldn't be here? She doesn't pay me, and she doesn't want to pay anybody else...UGH.

doing an activity where she draws a picture or makes something for mommy.

That's a good idea, thank you

Do they spank? Do they do time out?

They don't do anything. They just laugh it off. But most of the time Nicole falls asleep in the car on the way home from our house - so they don't have a chance to discipline her.

Maybe just by your own name or by a nickname she likes

She usually calls me by Melanie, but it seems like in stressful situations, she just calls me Mommy. I try and correct her nicely as much as I can, but sometimes it's just so frustrating - you know?

 

[fashionfrenzy]

Holy crap, they don't pay you to watch your niece? I think that they might be taking advantage of your generous nature. It's not like you are watching her occasionally, it seems that you are watching her daily, and I would definitely think that they owed you something for that.

 

[Prada Psycho]

Where would she put Nicole if I wouldn't be here?

That truly isn't your problem!! THEY made that baby!!

She doesn't pay me, and she doesn't want to pay anybody else

WHY isn't she paying you? I don't mean to sound nasty, because I'm really trying to help, but it sounds to me like you have two selfish people who are taking advantage of your good nature and too cheap to do their jobs as PARENTS!

I just checked your age on the "how old are you" thread. You need to be out having fun and acting your age. Not raising someone else's child.

 

[Prada Psycho]

A short follow up to my post above re: parental responsibility. My first husband left me when our daughter was only 18 months old. I lived in an area with very few options for childcare except daycare centers or babysitters. The husband also left me bankrupt and with no child support. Still, I took my job as a parent seriously and made certain that my daughter was taken care of before I got anything for myself. I paid a sitter $50 a week to take care of my child and that was 20 years ago, so you can imagine how broke I was after paying just for her daycare!!

 

[Sternchen]

Holy crap, they don't pay you to watch your niece? I think that they might be taking advantage of your generous nature.

Nope, they don't pay me. Well, not with cash anyway. My aunt brings me the broetchen (breakfast rolls) and pastries that they didn't sell during the day, but other than that, that's really about it.

Still, I took my job as a parent seriously and made certain that my daughter was taken care of before I got anything for myself.

That's the thing...I think she (at least) is a very selfish person. She came from NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. She's from Poland, and came to Germany in the summers to pick Asparagus & strawberries in the fields. She happened to meet my uncle (who makes decent money) and now she's living a "Princess life". They built a house, with expensive furniture, drive expensive cars, and she buys expensive clothes. Granted, most of these expensive things (house, cars, etc) came all before Nicole. I think my uncle genuienly feels bad about the situation...but he's just as big of a chicken as my aunt is. IDK, it's all just a stupid situation...

 

[LisaG719]

Sounds like its time to put your foot down and request to be paid for the service you are providing. Family or no family...it is not your responsibility to raise their child. If they dont want to pay you then I think it would be easier for you to just stop helping them out with babysitting. Especially if they are well off....WHY NOT pay someone??!!

 

[Sternchen]

Especially if they are well off

Well off isn't really the right word to describe them. They're hardly making ends meet with what my uncle makes (from what I understand, after bills, they only have about 200 EUR a month left over to eat), which is the reason why my aunt works. To support her stupid lifestyle and so she doesn't have to be like the rest of us "regular" Germans.

As much as I like my aunt - sometimes I can't help but think that if she hadn't met my uncle, she'd still be a poor farm girl with NOTHING in Poland...

 

[LisaG719]

As much as I like my aunt - sometimes I can't help but think that if she hadn't met my uncle, she'd still be a poor farm girl with NOTHING in Poland...

Nothing wrong with that...I would probably be homeless right now if I hadnt have met my husband... Humble beginnings dont dictate who you are on the inside.

 

[Pippi]

Sounds like its time to put your foot down and request to be paid for the service you are providing. Family or no family...it is not your responsibility to raise their child. If they dont want to pay you then I think it would be easier for you to just stop helping them out with babysitting. Especially if they are well off....WHY NOT pay someone??!!

Yes, I agree with Lisa. If your aunt can afford to go shopping, etc, then she can afford to pay for a babysitter. If it is you, you SHOULD be paid! I, too was a single parent, and scraped to make sure my kids were well taken care of while I worked. It was hard, and I had to give up things, but they (my daughters) are worth it. Your aunt needs to grow up a bit and take responsibility for her child!

 

[purplekitty]

I am so sorry about the situation that you are in. I have never babysat or been around kids alot, but I would have to agree with everyone else that it is your aunt's and uncle's responsiblilty to take care of her, not you. You should be out enjoying life the way you want. It doesn't hurt to babysit once in a while, but it seems like you are a part-time mom. Sit down with them and tell them how you feel, and hopefully they'll understand. Good luck, and I really hope it works out for you.