American Dad!

  1. Anyone else watch this? It's hilarious! It's done by Seth MacFarlane, the same creator of Family Guy.

    This show is nothing like Family Guy, however.

    It's about the Smith family: Staunch Republican, CIA employee Stan, his wife Francine, the former party girl, and their children: anti-NRA, left-wing Liberal Hayley and shy, Dorky Steve.

    Rounding out the family are Roger the Alien (Stan saved his life at Area 51. He deeply resents not being allowed to leave the house) and Klaus, the German-speaking goldfish. (Klaus was part of a CIA experiment gone wrong, wherein an East German Olympic athlete's brain was implanted in the goldfish.)

    Adding to matters is the fact that Klaus lusts after Francine.


    MacFarlane voices Stan and Roger. His sister, Rachel, does the voice of Hayley.
     
  2. Stan: Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.
    [shouts] So look sharp!





    [Stan is about to shoot Roger; Francine, Hayley and Steve stand in the way]
    Stan: Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all!
    Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.





    Steve: I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!




    [Family is playing Scrabble]
    Steve: "Quivecs"? That's not a word.
    Roger the Alien: It is on my planet!
    Francine: Is it a proper noun?
    [beat]
    Roger the Alien: Damn!
    [rearranges letters]





     
  3. I love how, in the beginning credits, there's a scene where Stan picks up a newspaper and at the beginning of every episode, the headline changes. (Kind of like what Bart writes on the chalkboard at the beginning of every Simpsons episode.)



    These are my favorites:

    Optimist Drowns in Half-Full Tub

    Stuff Happens as Wave of Ambiguity Spreads

    Hooker Killed for Heart of Gold

    Economy Turns Corner - Falls Down Stairs

    Missing Twins Found in Gingerbread House

    Bush Finally Gets Joke About Last Name

    Isreal Pulls Out of Gaza - Gaza's Not Pregnant

    Gas Prices Higher Than Dude at Weezer Concert

     
  4. Scientist Discovers Wife Cheating
     
  5. I love American Dad but not as much as Family Guy.
     
  6. ^^^ I agree. It is pretty funny though. :lol:
     
  7. I love them both equally, because they're both so brilliant.
     
  8. I'm resurrecting this thread because I bought Volume 2 of the American Dad! DVD and I forgot how funny this show was!

    It's on during Desperate Housewives, so I haven't had the chance to watch any new episodes.
     
  9. Big Bird Dead of Big Avian Flu



    Hayley: But you were paralyzed by a gun.
    Stan: No, I was paralyzed by you. Look, I'm not going to point fingers here, because I can't. Because of you.



    Hayley: I'm such a hypocrite!
    Francine: Honey, he was robbing us. And he was gonna force himself on me.
    Hayley: He said that?
    Francine: Well, no, but I assume.
    (Hayley glares)
    Francine: What? You think I'm not attractive enough? That-That what? That he's just skip me and go straight to you? Well, aren't we conceited?



    Francine: The point is, there was a time when you two weren't always fighting.
    Hayley: That was before I knew Dad was a gun-toting maniac.
    Stan: Beatnik!
    Hayley: Warmonger!
    Stan: Chupacabra!
    Hayley: I'm the Mexican Bigfoot?
    Stan: You heard her! She admitted it!



    Terry: (On TV) Our top story, a car was broken into Cherry Street this afternoon. My car. The suspect was six-foot two and a bastard!



    Francine: Oh, sweetheart, don't be so dramatic. Besides, aren't you having fun cooking with mommy?
    Hayley: I'm not "cooking with mommy." Dad handcuffed me to the oven.



    Stan: Hey, son.
    Steve: Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! (Knocks bookshelf on Stan)
    Stan: (Feels nothing due to being paraplegic) Somethin' on your mind, champ?



    Stan: (After getting shot) Hayley... tell Roger... he's annoying. (Collapses)



    Steve: Anyway, Dad, my English teacher, Mr. Durbin, is your biggest fan. Can I get your autograph for him?
    Stan: Sure. "To Mr. Durbin, keep on rockin'. Yours in Christ."
    Hayley: Dad, that's Steve's report card.




    Steve's failing English. Stan demands to know why Steve is failing English. Steve said it's because his English teacher hates him. Stan at gunpoint, demands why the teacher hates Steve. Turns out, Steve's failing because he cheated on an assignment. Satisfied, Steve walks away, singing . . .
    You'd think that people would've had enough of silly love songs.
    (Scene change, Roger is holding Steve at gunpoint)
    Stan (shouting): I look around me and I see it isn't so!
    Steve: What?
    Stan (normal voice): I mean, why'd you cheat!?!



    Roger: A book about me? (Gasps) I'm gonna be a star! Steve, you're the best! Oh, my God, Stan, how upset are you? Seriously, on a scale from one to pissed. Oh, who gives a flying fig? I'm a star! (Laughs)




    Stan: (Reading "The Erotic Reagan" book) Francine, why are you dressed so nice? Those chicks from The View aren't going to burst in here and give me a TV makeover, are they?
    Francine: I'm going to an art gallery. I'm trying to make a good impression on the Ladybugs.
    Stan: (Sadly) So... no makeover?
    Francine: If they like me, it's goodbye, boring routine. Hello, exciting charity events, social functions, and book clubs where we just get drunk and complain about our husbands' lack of interest.
    Stan: (Still reading) What, now? I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. (Laughs) Not even a little.




    Francine: But...
    Stan: Forget it, Francine. We already have something girly and annoying in this house. It's called Roger.




    Stan: (Watching The $100,000 Pyramid) This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
    Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
    (Scene changes)
    Stan: (Drunk) Things you eat. Things that are fruit. Oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid.
    Klaus: You're watching The Price is Right.
    Stan: Shut up, Hayley!




    Tantric Sex Conference Ends Prematurely



    Stan: (Driving) Are we there yet?
    Francine: No.
    Stan: Are we there yet?
    Francine: No.
    Stan: Are we there yet?
    Francine: Stan, you're driving!




    Guy #1: It's all set, right?
    Guy #2: It's gonna be just like in Carrie. (Pulls rope; several squealing pigs fall on Stan)
    Guy #1: Pigs? It was supposed to be pig's blood.
    Guy #2: I didn't finish the book.
    Guy #1: You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end of the sentence.




    Peter: Okay, Terry, what is Greg's favorite appetizer?
    Terry: Oh, that's easy. It's... potato skins!
    Greg: No, it's wasabi tuna in a raddichio sauce.
    Terry: Even I think that's gay.




    Roger: (gasps) You got a best buddy? Can I be your second best buddy?
    Stan: Let's see, how do I hang an air freshener on this? You are a total waste of space. I often dream of killing you. (inhales) Ah, Mountain Pine.



    Roger: Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter, but he'd never cheat on you.
    Francine: It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash out 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes when you're on the floor with another girl, guys'll throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision.
    (Awkward silence)
     
  10. Barry: But we're behind on our project for the science fair.
    Stan: How do I say this nicely? (To Snot, Barry, & Toshi) Loser! Loser! Loser!
    Steve: Dad!
    Stan: I'm kidding! (To Snot, Barry, & Toshi) Not kidding!



    'American Dad' Releases DVD, Small Girl from the Basement




    Francine: (To Stan) Are you still moping about Steve? Come on. He's just going through a phase. It's like Steve is America and you're Arrested Development. It doesn't mean you're bad, it just means he's not interested in you.



    Stan: Steve used to really look up to me, but now it's like he's not into me anymore.
    Roger: Wow, that's really, really boring.
    Stan: I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.
    Roger: Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.
    Hayley: Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.
    Roger: What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan, I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.
    Hayley: You care about the Eskimos?
    Roger: Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.



    Stan: Hey, Donny, tell my son about the guy who tried to sneak a lipstick camera past the XR-21.
    Donny: (Reluctantly) I accidentally shot him.
    Stan: Yeah, you did. It's called "justice," and it was hilarious.



    Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. (gives Steve the doormat)
    Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
    Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
    Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
    Stan: God, I hate you so much!
    Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
    Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
    Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
    Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
    (Barry's watch beeps)
    Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
    Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!




    Man: All done, Mrs. Smith. 50 grapevines and 12 tons of soil.
    Roger: Great. Just charge it to my Cost-Go account.
    Man: Sure thing. And you'll be glad to know that a portion of your purchase goes to help foster children in the greater Langley...
    Roger: (Yawns) You lost me at "help." Now to plant my vineyard. (Attempts to shovel dirt, but fails) Explain these foster thingies.
    Man: Foster children? You know, wayward children taken in by families.
    Roger: When you say "wayward," I hear "eager." And when you say "children," I hear "migrant workers."



    Airplane Pilot: We are now beginning our descent into Prague.
    Stan: And now George Clooney begins his descent into hell.
    Airplane Pilot: Please put your seat-backs and tables in the upright position.
    Stan: Please put George Clooney's heart in the... in the... in the sad-right... position. Should've ended with that whole descent into hell thing.



    Roger: In the words of every sitcom character in the early 90s, and everyone in the Midwest through the rest of the 90's...'Don't go there'.




    Stan: Steve, camp is an amazing place. You get to swim in the lake, drink bug juice, ring the bell if you win the Camp-A-Lympics. Oh, and then there's "camp love." It's such an intense experience, like winning the Grammy for Best R&B performance, duo, or group.
    Steve: Dad, for the last time, you were not in Boyz II Men.
    Stan: (Sings) Whatever.



    Steve: Here she comes.
    Stan: (looks at Debbie through the window) Where's Debbie? Behind that fat girl?
    Steve: No, Dad, that's...
    Stan: Is the fat girl going to lead us to Debbie?
    Steve: No, that's...
    Stan: She's carrying a purse. She must have a map to Debbie in her purse.
    Steve: Dad, that's Debbie.
    Stan: To the panic room!




    Stan: So, what do you think of your new car? Do you love it?
    Francine: I told you I wanted the Femwagon. This is the Phallus.
    Stan: No, it's the Phallus ES. Felix said it was the last one on the lot. I had to act fast or this other guy was totally going to buy it. (Pauses) Son of a *****! He mind-raped me! Don't worry, honey. No car salesman is going to get the better of me. (Drives off in the Phallus ES; comes back in Francine's old car) Is she a beauty or what?
    Francine: Stan, that's my old car.
    Stan: Correction: it's your new pre-owned car, and I got it for a sweet ten grand.
    Francine: We sold it to him for seven.
    Stan: Yeah, but he let me keep the Phallus for no extra charge.
    Francine: Because you already paid for it!
    Stan: Francine, there's a lot of math - man math - involved in a car purchased that... (Pauses) Damn it!



    Hayley: Roger, your lecture today was just ideological nonsense.
    Roger: Oh, really?! You've just earned yourself a week of detention!
    Hayley: There's no detention in college.
    Roger: Oh, right, well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!




    Steve: I'm so glad you came over for dinner, Debbie.
    Stan: Yes, terrific to have my son's girlfriend gobbling up my family's precious food.
    Debbie: Everything's so delicious. Mr. Smith, can you pass the potatoes?
    Stan: Ethically, I don't think I should.




    Roger: Stop, stop, stop! You do know the competition's tomorrow, don't you?
    Stan: Yeah, of course.
    Roger: Okay, okay, good. Then why are you skating like a wiener?!
    Stan: Don't I do a Salchow right there?
    Roger: You call that a Salchow?! It looks like you have mad Salchow disease! That's right, your skating has a spongiform encephalopathy, *****!



    Stan: You're... you're magnificent.
    Roger: Hello.
    Stan: Roger? Where did you learn to skate?
    Roger: On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.




    Francine: Oh, my God, Stan, you're bleeding! Where have you been?!
    Stan: Sorry, that's for me to know and you to find out. But I never want you to find out, so it's just for me to know.
    Francine: Stan, I'm your wife. If something's wrong, I want to help you.
    Stan: Oh, so by that logic, if something is right, you'll want to hinder me. Great, Francine. Real quality wife-ing.



    Francine: Your dad went out in the middle of the night, and he hasn't come home.
    Hayley: Where do you think he goes?
    Roger: No idea. But ask me if I want a mimosa. That's a question I can answer.




    (Klaus is now an old man telling his grandson a bedtime story and the boy keeps interrupting)
    Klaus: You know, every time you interrupt someone, your penis gets a little shorter!



    Klaus: (Dressed as a cat) It's fun to play dress-up. Not all the time, but sometimes. Not this time.
     
  11. Steve: Now to just type "fossils" into the search engine. And now to just separate the fossil sites from the porn sites. "Tyrannosaurus": fossil. "Babe-a-sore-ass": porn. "A Symposium on the Pangea Theory of the Permian Extinction..." Wow, that is some nasty porn!



    (At the 99¢ Depot store)
    Stan: One of your items, please.
    Clerk: How about this cassette?
    Stan: Is it 99 cents?
    Clerk: It's $1.07 with tax.
    Stan: You ever think about changing the sign?
    Clerk: It's not really up to me.
    Stan: Well, Merry Christmas.
    Clerk: Happy holidays.
    Stan: I, uh, said Merry Christmas.
    Clerk: Happy holidays.
    Stan: Just say Merry Christmas.
    Clerk: Management doesn't want us saying that.
    Stan: (Pulls out his gun, points it at the clerk's mouth) Just say it!
    (Stan is thrown out of the store) Uh, I had a GUN!



    Francine: Stan, did you remember to get a gift for Roger?
    Stan: Roger? He's not a Christian. You think he cares that 2,000 years ago our Lord and Savior was born in a mangler?
    Francine: Uh, I think you mean "manger."
    Stan: No, no, honey, you're thinking of "manager."



    Francine: Well, isn't that cute. Roger's making a snow angel... a face down snow angel... in a pile of angel vomit.
    Hayley: He's passed out, Mom. He's been binge drinking since Thanksgiving.