Advice needed...from anyone!

  1. I really just need outside perspective. I'm 21, just fyi. I know I'm young, so I'm hoping some people with more experience can steer me right. I know how my parents feel about this.

    I dated my bf for 2.5 years. We broke up for the 1st time in December because he wasn't acting how I thought my future husband should be. He promised he'd find a new job (was fired from his last one) and didn't. While his job status doesn't affect me since we don't live together, I was brought up to believe people don't change. My mom said that while he was a wonderful guy for me now, did I want to wait years to realize he couldn't be a responsible husband. I didn't want to be with him for years waiting for him to become more responsible only to find out it wasn't something he could do. So, I ended it. We got back together 3 days later (to my dad's extreme displeasure) because I missed him, and he had found a job.

    Once back together, we fought all the time. I was bitter towards him for some reason (I still don't know why). This Monday (a little over a month since we got back together), I found out he'd been hiding the fact that he had taken back up smoking (he quit for me when we first started dating) and hadn't told me. I saw a lighter in his room, first he lied, then he told me he "socially smoked." I was furious and I left. The next day, he calls and we end it over the phone. My decision, but he agreed and he said it was his fault we had to end.

    So now, it's Friday and I was fine until today. I thought I'd made the right decision. I was clearing out my room and came across a stuffed dog he made me for our 3 month anniversary. It reminded me of all the nice things he always did. I've been crying for 6 hours straight since then.

    I don't know what to do now. I want to call him, but I want my pride intact. My parents say no because he's been irresponsible several times (car accidents, tickets, fired twice). My girl friends say yes because he's sweet, cares a whole lot about me, gets my personality, and was okay with me being the one in charge. He balanced me out, they said. My guy friend says no because my bf has "omitted" things on several occasions and can I really trust him? He's never cheated, but he's hidden things he knew I'd be upset about (calling a female friend while I was in Scotland then lying that he had-nothing happened btwn them, the smoking, etc).

    I don't know what would happen if I called him. He could say he'd hooked up with someone else and I'd feel miserable (he joked a while back that if we were to be broken up, he'd find someone else for a night to get over me), he could say I was too angry the past month and not want to listen to me, or we could talk and discuss getting back together and me really make my parents mad.

    Any advice, any similar situations, anything would be appreciated. Even if it's just to tell me "you're young, shut up, you'll be fine." I just don't want to realize months later that he was a good guy and that he'll mature as he ages and he already be happy with someone else.
  2. Oh my! I really hope you are starting to feel beter! But honestly, I think you knew you didn't deserve him, and that i swhy you guys broke it off. Maybe when he matures, and you think he is he one for you, then you might realize, wether or not you did well. I actually think that you will find the right person! Hope you feel better, go shopping, or eat chocolate, take your mind off him!
  3. Take a are YOUNG!!!! However, you seem so wise. Take a few days, Relax...mend your heart....THINK about what you want and NEED.
  4. I feel like I'm reading my own story. :smile: I dated my boyfriend for over 4 years... And toward the end, not only did I start resenting him but I even did things to hurt him that I'd never normally do! (like cheating on him!!!)

    My problem? I resented his lack of ambition...I resented his relationship with his mother (he was an only child of a single mother...nightmare!). And I finally "heard" my mother .. she always said that you don't just marry the man, you marry his family.

    I felt like he was resentful of me and my career I made way more than he did.

    It was hard to end it. And it took several times. He'd cry and we'd "make up" and I'd start getting annoyed with him again. I just didn't love him any longer. It was painful but finally I had to just say NO MORE.

    Of course, then I fell off the deep end and started dating this total loser guy, younger than me, and completely mom called it a rebound. And then...True Love found me and I'm happily married for 5 years this August. :smile:

    So...all that is to say that you're not alone. Your mom and dad are probably right. It doesn't sound like he's the right guy for your future. I think it is SUPER important to be with someone you respect and who has similar life ambitions.

    Hang in there sweetie!!!
  5. Hi Katie, I'm so sorry you are going through all this! Break-ups suck. They hurt so much and it's so hard to see beyond... I can relate to the uncontrollable tears and pain, but the fact that you are sharing all this with us, is a good step towards the letting-go process. I think we all know deep down inside if a relationship is good for us or not...

    As the oldest of four, I took care of my brothers and sister and even though I don't have any children of my own, I feel like they are, so I am very involved with who they date! Your parents love you very much and only want you to be happy and have the very best life possible.

    You seem like a very intelligent and confident young lady who has so many life experiences ahead! During this hard time, try to think about you and your future. Dream about the perfect guy! Dream of what you want in life! All those dreams can come true...

    Just try not to think of the past, because you will end up caving in and then you will be stuck in a bad relationship. So try to think of your future. What can you do to stay busy and not think of your past relationship? How can you meet new people? Can you take a trip to get away for a while? You are so young and very lucky to have the love and support of your parents. Hang in there!
  6. First, this too shall pass :yes:

    I think a lot of us could tell similar stories.

    When I was 17 my parents hated my BF. I was madly in love, but he couldn't do the simple things like hold a job or tell me the truth. I kept hoping I could change him, make him see that being responsible was good.

    Then he won the Lotto, $5.6M over night. I thought at least my parents would like him now that he had money. No such luck.

    We dated on/off through fights and tears for 4 years. Ultimately I broke it off, got married to a guy that really was responsible.

    But in the back of my mind I always wondered if I had done the right thing. Maybe my Lotto guy had matured, grown up, and I had missed out on it.

    Just a few months ago I ran into a friend who reported back on my Lotto guy: he ran through ALL his money, all his friend's and family's money, hooked up with a stripper, beat her up, and hit on her 16 yr old daughter, got arrested, spent years in jail, and is now pennyless and working at Wendys.

    Go with your heart.
  7. I know it's hard now but think about how hard it will be in the future if you keep up with that same won't be happy for very long and you need someone who will make you happy the majority of the time (I say majority because no one can be happy with their mate ALL the time). I would honestly not look back. You've stated how unhappy you were when you got back you really want a replay of that?
    I wouldn't call him...IMO, that would give him the impression that he can keep up with his ways and you'll just take him back no matter what. That won't give him incentive to change at all (if he even will, no guarantees).
    Who knows, maybe in a few weeks or months he'll have some positive news for you..I wouldn't bank on it but you need to take care of yourself right now and not focus so much on him. It seems as though he was the majority of the problem and you need someone who is responsible because you seem to be very responsible yourself. The last thing you need is to have to parent your boyfriend.
    It's funny because I'm also 21 and we're a bit alike, responsibility-wise. I always have adults and even some of my friends telling me that. My friends of course, tell me I need to have more fun but my conscience always wins out and I end up doing what I think is right, not what others think is right.
    So I believe you need to also go with your conscience..I think deep down, you probably know you can't continue in this pattern but you're stuck in the "what if's" right now. Do what's right for YOU and what will make YOU happy...and judging by your post, you would seem to be happier if you didn't get back together with him. You said you were fine until today when you were cleaning things out..that's a big indication that you need some time away from him. Things will work out in time if it was meant to be, but you need to take some time for yourself right now.

    Sorry for the LONG post lol..hope you feel better soon though. :flowers:
  8. ITA with Rebecca on the you shouldnt have to parent your boyfriend part... just a generalisation, but guys that need parenting usually dont change from my experience anyway, cut your losses and you'll be much happier with someone responsible. i've had the exact same calling behind back and smoking in secret happen in the past...
  9. OK obviously he's not "the one" and besides you are much too young to make a lifetime commitment (IMO). You realise this or you wouldn't have posted.

    What you are going through is NORMAL post-break up sentimental, you know, crap. Of course you're going to look at the stuffed animals or hear the song on the radio or smell that certain scent and it will make you think of him and all the fun you had and you'll get all emotional and teary-eyed and have a good cry, and then you must soldier on and never think that maybe if you hook back up with him it'll be different this time around because it WON'T. Sure you're lonely etc but loneliness never killed anyone yet. You'll get over it. What might take considerably longer to get over would be wasting the next 20 years, not to mention your youth and untapped potential, on this joker, only to realise when it's too late what a mistake you made.
  10. He sounds like the guy I dated for three years when I was about your age. Very sweet, but not very responsible. Like you, I broke up with him because I just didn't see him as my future husband. Of course it was hard, but it was the right decision. I know it is difficult to break up with someone who is really nice and fun, but it is the correct choice if you don't feel like the relationship has a future. I am now with a wonderful, mature, and successful man who is much better for me. You are only 21 and there is plenty of time to find the right man for you. I hope you start feeling better about the situation soon, no matter what you decide.
  11. Thanks so much to everyone. I needed perspective from people outside the situation, and I really appreciated everything each one of y'all said. In reading each post I found something I needed to hear.

    I'm not used to being so sad, so I thought it was a sign that I'd made the wrong decision. Deep down I know I don't want to get back together because he lied and I don't think I could fully trust him. I wish we hadn't ended it over the phone and I wish he didn't seem so "okay" with us ending it because I want him to feel as miserable as I do right now. I also wish my roommate would stop telling me I'm never going to find a guy who can let me wear the pants and deal with my mood swings :smile:

    Although I'm still sad and mopey, I feel better knowing that other people have been through this and came out happier in the end. You guys have no idea how much you've helped :smile:
  12. ^^^Good for you, it's very mature to realize, that been sad, doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. Be stong and it will get better :smile:
  13. Oh please not listen to your "friends"... my true love is an amazing man who puts up with all of my issues - including my need to be in control. LOL I generally get the remote! hee hee And he isn't some nancy boy man either - he's a cop and definitely an 'in charge' kind of guy. But he's also understanding, gentle, caring, and kind. He's my true love. And you will find him too!!!!
  14. Hi katie, I think you know this guy is not for you & i doubt very much if he will change. Big mistake to marry someone hoping for that. There are too many issues for you to go back to this relationship. You are just mourning the loss now & the temptation to slip back is great, don't do it, it will pass & you will find a great guy that you can respect & that will respect you. You have so much time :smile:
  15. Hi Katie, I'm glad to hear you are doing better! I think it's better that everything ended over the phone because I doubt you would have moved on if it happened in person. How do you know he doesn't feel miserable? He does in his own way, but if not, then your are much better off to not be with him. Remember that roommates or close friends are NOT always right. Good friends will support your happiness and well-being. Take care!