A Letter To Alcohol... This May Help...

  1. Dear Alcohol,

    First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the pub, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

    However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

    While I want to believe that you may have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences.

    1. Phone calls:

    While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
    suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2AM. Why would you make me a call those ex- boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact that they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

    2. Eating:

    Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce, along with stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few Doritos & chilli dip)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness:

    Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
    improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

    Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

    4. Furthermore:

    The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a
    little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 4PM hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.

    My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
    (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

    So Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

    In order to continue this friendship, I ask tht you carefully review my
    grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
    no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you,
    Your Biggest Fan


    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon


    1. Specificity
    2. British Constitution
    3. Passive - agressive disorder


    1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
    2. Nope, no more beer for me.
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
  2. LOL! These are right on!
  3. OMG I love that it's so true ..... esp. for me ...lol:roflmfao:
  4. :roflmfao::roflmfao::roflmfao:

    i've actually gotten VERY good at saying ALL these things (except number four. don't drive and it's not a problem!) thank goodness! it only took how many years? :supacool:
  5. good one!
  6. hahaha. :lol:
  7. Glad you enjoyed it folks!

  8. LOL! I love it :roflmfao: :roflmfao: :roflmfao:
  9. You are too funnny!!!
  10. omg this reminds me of a former college friend

    whoa t my almost-bachlorette thing gor s#!t faced and the next day ate a roast beef sandwich that had sat out all nite