10 years, 10 terrible movie endings

  1. (from e talk)


    Is it me, or are movies getting worse every day? Especially the endings of movies? Less and less do I feel satisfied with the way movies, big budget and small, are concluding. I'm consistently feeling cheated. It's no wonder more and more people are preferring to visit web sites that offer decent streams of bootleg copies of movies sitting on a server somewhere outside continental North America. But I digress.

    Filmmakers (and screenwriters) seem to have lost their way in delivering finales that do justice to the preceding narrative. And it's not getting better. I have yet to see one decent ending in a movie in 2007.
    Here's a rundown of the 10 worst endings of the past 10 years ...




    Jurassic Park: The Lost World (1997)

    Give me a King Kong-sized break. What a cop-out. What was clearly a "paycheque movie" from Stephen Spielberg and Jeff Goldblum sees a giant T-Rex wreaking havoc on San Diego. San Diego! What's so exciting to see to get destroyed in San Diego? Oh, that's right, nothing!
    This blatant rip-off of "King King" (some snoots will say homage) to Cooper and Schoedsack's "King Kong" shows it's a franchise that got blatantly tired after just two entries. Everything down to the title of this sequel is plagiaristic. Shame on you Stephen for this despondent refuse.



    Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

    Nicole Kidman's character turns to her mate and says "there is something very important we need to do as soon as possible." Hubby Tom Cruise asks "what's that?" She responds with "f--k." Cue credits. Cue stomach nausea. "What the heck" is all that can be said about this impenetrable mess of boobs and B.S.
    Some argue it's a tour of the male sexual subconscious and this last line is an explicit allusion. I say to those who reside outside academia (read, the real world), it makes no sense, offers no apparent insight or revelation to the purpose of the preceding two and half hours. No wonder the happy couple divorced soon thereafer.
     
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  2. Cast Away (2000)


    We spend over two hours alone on a desert island with this unfortunate schmuck (Tom Hanks) as he engages in tedious verbiage with a desecrated volleyball and all we get in return is a shot of him staring at an empty intersection. An unfit reward.
    Oh, I get it now; he's at the proverbial crossroads of his life. Indeed. The semiotics are profound. I am now illuminated. Shoot me, and throw that ball on the roof of the nearest high school. ​



    Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes (2001)

    Suffered through the original 1968 batch of hokum? Seen poor Chuck Heston falls to his knees when he stumbles across the sand-buried Statue of Liberty? Well, add this entry into the canon of crappy films that will have you groaning into your popcorn. Not only is the "ending" anticipated and expected, when it does arrive it's just plain dumb. ​
     
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  3. Signs (2002)

    The aliens are allergic to water. What gives? This uber-intelligent race can shuttle across galaxies, but can't do a lick of homework. Hello green alien race. Earth is two-thirds water. What were you thinking? Better yet what was director M. Night Shyamalan, er, not thinking? It's akin to sending Bill Clinton as a keynote speaker to a Catholic ordination.
    The conclusion of "V" (best TV series ever, by the way) with it's red-dust annihilation of the visitors was more plausible. ​



    Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)




    The denouement in this bloated farce had me writhing in my theatre seat as those two twits, Frodo and Samwise, exchanged what were tantamount to homoerotic glances for an extra 35 minutes after the death of Sauron. Despite enduring this pap over four years ago, my knees are still suffering post-traumatic rickets from what was a wince-inducing experience.
    Note to director Peter Jackson: in the future please take a page from the Cronenberg school of filmmaking in that all you need is 90 minutes to tell a good yarn. Yes, 90 minutes. I could have read the book in less time. ​
     
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  4. Lost in Translation (2004)


    Of course I don't want to hear the punchline that Bill Murray's character whispers into ScarJos' ear at the climax of this movie. Thanks Ms. Coppolla for this meandering, languid dreck.
    Sure, film snobs will adore the ambiguity of the ending, citing its [insert upper crust British accent or Brian the dog from "Family Guy's" voice here] affecting emotional brilliance. The rest of us will just see it as creepy as Bill Murray trails hot young Scarlett Johansson around for two hours. Artistic mumbo jumbo.​




    The Village (2005)​

    Some may argue that most of Canadian suburbia is just the same thing as the village in "The Village" - a haven of isolation and sequestration from culture and excitement.
    What makes this ending so ridiculous is that from the first frame it's so obvious, and proves that director M. Night Shyamalan (that's two on this list for you, sir) knows how to craft a gimmick not a movie. ​
     
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  5. Rocky Balboa (2006)

    It ends with essentially a tie. Or at least close to it (he lost by a point). Come on? Screw that! The Italian Stallion always comes out on top. It's like death and taxes; things that are immutable. My sensibilities felt like Apollo Creed after his death match with Drago. The only thing that would have made me feel at least a little for this blithering massacre of a movie, would have been if Rocky had kicked it in the ring.​





    Eastern Promises (2007)


    Without giving anything away from this newish film, let's just say "what a crock." It makes a lie of everything you just watched. Yes, yes, the acting is brilliant.Viggo is a revelation. Insert your preferred pretentious superlative here.
    In all honesty, it puts Paul Walker's "Running Scared" on a pedestal. Thankfully Cronenberg is an efficient movie maker, so you've only suffered 90 minutes and one nude Viggo fight scene. ​
     
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  6. WOW!!! I completely disagree. I loved The Lost World, Signs, and The Village!
     
  7. Couldn't agree more. It takes a lot for me to just like a movie, never mind want to see more than once. Even if a movie gets rave reviews from critics and audiences, I probably will be bored. Absolute crap that is put out nowadays is dismal.


    I cannot stand M. Night Shyamalan movies. Predictable and just plain boring. He should of stopped with Sixth Sense. I want to know what drugs he takes when he comes up with these "concepts" for his movies. The Village was by far his worst. It is 2 hours I will never get back in my life. I watched the whole thing because I had to see the lame ending that real civilization was a fence away.

    On the other hand, I loved Eyes Wide Shut as I do with every other Kubric film.
     
  8. ^^ Why is it, whenever I think of M. Night Shymalan and his movies, I always think "pretentious?"
     
  9. oh man ..i don't think i get nearly as riled up about anything else as i do w/m night shymalan. i mean, how does this guy keep on getting gigs? someone needs to stop that man. then again, i do take responsibility for continuing to pay 10 bucks to see each movie when it comes out in the theater. why do i do it? i ask myself that every time. it's like a car crash - the sheer horror of it mesmirizes you no matter how badly you want to look away.
     
  10. Even his name is pretentious! Nobody spells it the same way. The M probably stands for Mr. :lol:
     
  11. I Loved, Loved, Loved Castaway!!
     
  12. I agree and disagree with this list, but it was funny and proved several points. I loved Castaway, Jurassic Park and LOTR, but I completely agree with anything said about M.Night's movies and Eye Wide Shut.

    After I saw The Village, I swore off all of his movies, I will never see one of his movies again after that, even though I didn't think Signs was that bad. After I saw Eyes Wide Shut, I just looked at the screen and did huh? That was a dumb movie.
     
  13. I definitely agree with the ones I've seen. M Night Shymalan's movies just got progressively worse after The Sixth Sense. Yikes...
     
  14. (*looks around tPF, shyly raises hand...*)

    Am I the only one that is in ubber love with M. Night Shymalan??? (He makes my heart go pitter-patter, and I love his movies!)
     
  15. Meh. Some of the above-mentioned movies were great, some not so much. It all comes down to personal taste. Whoever wrote that *****-fest that Caitlin was quoting sounds like they're wound a little too tight. Opinions are like, er, bellybuttons---everybody's got one.