Your Parents Fighting

Maryanne007 · Dec 27th, 2007, 01:22 AM

Hi all,

So I'm home for the holidays, and what happens? My parents get into a huge fight!! HUGE, screaming, shouting, the works. They used to do this all the time when I was growing up, I mean once in every few months at least. I guess I had forgotten most of it since I left home (I'm 25 now). I cant stand to be around it. Theirs is often the type of relationship that I would think is toxic. I hope I never have that kind of marriage. They will never get a divorce, thats just not what they do, nor will they ever change or do anything about their fighting. It makes me sad because as they grow older I think to myself, don't they deserve some happiness? I'm not very religious, so I dont believe in the whole happy afterlife thing, so I guess I have been more and more sad about their growing older lately. At the same time, I cant stand to be at home when they're just screaming and shouting about the stupidest little things, I am already ready to leave after only a couple of days. I dont want to make them out to be crazy, they just come from a different place, a different generation, etc. and so they think its almost normal to be that way... but I cant take it. At the same time I feel like they always want me to come home to visit, but how can I let myself be here at a time like this? And then they yell at me for taking sides! Its all so ridiculous and I just feel like I dont need it and its unhealthy for me. At the same time, I dont want to add to the misery.

On another note I told my SO that I was upset that my parents were fighting, and he just said oh... I guess I wanted a little more support, or maybe I dont know, something... it got me all thinking about my relationship... which is great generally but sometimes I think I am not open enough with him, communication-wise, and I dont know if that is me or him, or both... I guess that is a story for another thread.

Just feeling blah, thanks for letting me share.

Speedy · Dec 27th, 2007, 01:52 AM

I'm sorry honey, I grew up like this too, only my parents finally got apart after I left home... I guess Dad bringing his girlfriends to the house Mom paid for got to be too much for her. I chided her for not doing it sooner.

They stay together because they are comfortable with each other. And yes, for them, this is normal. I gave up going to my father's for holidays after he remarried, he treated his second wife like he did my mother.

If I were you, I'd write them a letter and flat out tell them you won't be coming over until they change their attitudes while you are there. There is NO REASON WHY, at your age, you should have to put up with it. If they can't comply with such a simple request, then get up and leave. Even if it's in the middle of dinner. They need to know that their actions affect you deeply.

As for your DH, how was his parents when he grew up? Being a man, MOST guys don't see the emotional toil women go through when our parents are at odds like this constantly. He can't change them, so he doesn't even know how to comfort you. But we PFers do! So I'm sending you a huge cyber hug as well.

JAN! · Dec 27th, 2007, 02:36 AM

Yeah, I can relate completely. I am sorry to hear that you are frustrated about your parents. And you shouldn't have to be considering that you are an adult. It's ridiculous how they are still meddling into your life at this stage. Such parents need to grow up because it's such an immature and unreasonable thing to do. Selfish as well.

My parents are just the same. I came back from my vacation just a few days ago and I expected the drama with them to simmer down. That was false hope I guess because when I came back I realized that I was the glue that held the home together. Upon return, everything had been taken to the next level. My dad is moving out of the house now. My mother consistently accuses me of taking my dad's side and my dad feels that I am betraying him by not wanting to hear anymore about this situation. They are both f.cking pathetic children gossiping about each other to me, telling me the most vulgar things a daughter should never hear about their parents. I have told each of them off. They are both secretly upset with me but can't do anything about it because believe it or not, they don't want to appear dumber than they already have.

lulilu · Dec 27th, 2007, 10:35 AM

It sounds like that is just how your parents relate with each other. Are they really unhappy, or are they just yellers? Just wondering.

I am not sure I would tell them I wasn't returning until they changed, unless you don't want to see them again. It doesn't sound like they can/want to change. Maybe just short visits? Have them visit you, so you have your SO and others around as a buffer? Maybe they would behave if they were outside of their home/comfort zone?

I am sorry you are going through this. What a shame.

Maryanne007 · Dec 27th, 2007, 12:20 PM

Thanks for the advice and support! Yeah, I dont think they would understand/it wouldnt change anything if I said I wasnt coming home until they changed. They will never change, its been 30 years of this. I think they are both unhappy and yellers. Its so annoying, because they do this for no reason, I blame both, but the reason I had originally sided with my dad was because my mom completely blew up for no reason, I mean NO REASON just screaming because a piece of paper had been misplaced (and continued to scream after it was found)... but of course that leads to fighting about other things, to which my dad then got really pissed off and threw some papers at her, and so on and on. They both have high blood pressure and sometimes I think one of these days, all this horribleness will truly affect their health (if it hasnt already).

I was originally going to stay till Saturday night, but I think I'm going to leave tomorrow morning instead, they dont listen to me anyway, and just put me in the middle. My mom started yelling at me yesterday, at which point, I said I was leaving. I mean, come on, its not like I'm 12 here.

Thanks for everything. TPF really is the best.

moniqueevertse · Jan 3rd, 2008, 02:53 AM

i can totally relate to you. when i was younger i used to cry when my parents were fighting and throwing things at each other, but now im kinda used to it. sometimes id be embarassed to bring friends home because they would yell and scream anyways and make a huge mess of the house (throwing things etc.) i have a feeling they will never change their ways, my mom can be a huge nag and my step dad can be a total slob. thats what they always fight about. i also feel like they deserve to be happier, theyre getting older and my mom has had alot of bad relationships in the past. i just want her to be happy. sometimes when it gets bad i want them to just seperate and get it over with. but other times theyre great together.

chpwhy · Jan 3rd, 2008, 03:22 AM

Im glad my parents do not fight. They just do the "silent treatment". Not good too right?!. Oh Well.. Its their life, if they wanna stay like this its their choice. U cant do anything. Pray to god that things will be different.
When we want our man to talk more they just shut up! have to get used to it!

trixX · Jan 3rd, 2008, 03:38 AM

I can totally relate. They fight, bitch about each other to my brother and I but seem okay generally. Its just toxic and tiring to be in this environment. They're catholic so they'll never get divorced. No one;s cheating on anyone but they just irritate each other generally. Hang in there!

azhangie · Jan 3rd, 2008, 06:14 PM

I can totally relate...my parents are the same. my mom is anal and yells about everything and my dad has a hot temper so the both of them put together = yelling and fighting about the smallest things. Its quite annoying, esp since i live at home...and work with them!!! They are constantly fighting and not speaking and making me the middle person. It makes me sad to think that they cant even enjoy two months without some sort of fight, but what can i do...i just try to get out of the way.
My SO is the exact same...he says "oh" too! I've been considering whether or not i need him in my life lately as well, because he seems like he has no opinions wat so ever it has become annoying.
maryanne - looks like we're both in similar situations. good luck to u!

DiorKiss · Jan 3rd, 2008, 06:30 PM

I'm so sorry for you! I guess I can relate. But it was my mom's boyfriend who caused trouble, not my father (they split up quite silent and without any fights. It wasn't easy though, because my dad had cheated on my mom). The boyfriend was manic-depressive, so we had fights like that about 1 to 3 times a week.
He's my mom's ex now, luckily

(She doesn't like the fact that they broke up though)

dollyrusso · Jan 3rd, 2008, 06:30 PM

I can relate. My parents did that my whole life. Waking us up in the middle of the night, packing our suitcases

, yelling in front of the neighbors (and we grew up in a nice neighborhood, so embarassing) Only now my dad has a heart problem so he doesn't yell anymore. he's like a different person.

Helpmeplease · Jan 3rd, 2008, 07:03 PM

I've been through shit like that tooo much, when I was 9, I lived in India for four months because my parents were going to break up, when I was 12 my dad took me away to NY for three months. They're still married today, and it's been twenty years, and after each argument, they seem to get closer to each other.

I just wish they had mute buttons

DiorKiss · Jan 3rd, 2008, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Helpmeplease

I just wish they had mute buttons

Oh they totally SHOULD have mute buttons

That would be great

arm9047 · Jan 3rd, 2008, 07:31 PM

I can totally relate also. I am the first person to say I think my parents should not be together. I hate going home because I have to deal with my dad, my brother, and the drama that ensues. I'm most excited to go home only to see my dogs!

My dad has rhumatoid arthritis in his hands so he's always huffing and puffing around the house if he has to do something that he wants done. His medicine makes him even more cranky/irritable and the pain doesn't help. He will slam stuff around in the kitchen so we all know he's cleaning or something. My mom leaves stuff around the house all the time and my dad hates it. My dad is passive and is always like "Are you done with that bowl?" when it's obvious that the person is. In general my dad is always kinda belittling my mom's intelligence in a passive way. Often times i get dragged onto his side because I'm very similar to him and since he is my dad, I picked up a lot of the things he does. But there are other times when I get so pissed at my Dad for being mean to my mom and yell at him.

I feel your pain!

Speedy · Jan 3rd, 2008, 09:45 PM

Ack, when you mentioned the high blood pressure it reminded me of this. Just before I married DH, I was talking to my Mom on the phone. (My father had long remarried by this time, but he was now divorced from his second wife, she caught him with another woman.) Anyway, I was telling my mother about how the last time I went to see my father, he spent the entire time yelling at his second wife.

Mom told me he was going to stroke out on of these days, she was sure of it. A month before my wedding, he did just that. Has a stroke at the age of 63.

Funny part was, his "girlfriend" then dumped him and his second wife remarried him... she finally had him where she wanted him.

I'm on HB meds, and I try not to let things get to me. I do NOT want to end up like my father, a virtual vegatable the last 7 years of his life.

Dec 27th, 2007, 01:22 AM	#1
Maryanne007 Member	Your Parents Fighting Hi all, So I'm home for the holidays, and what happens? My parents get into a huge fight!! HUGE, screaming, shouting, the works. They used to do this all the time when I was growing up, I mean once in every few months at least. I guess I had forgotten most of it since I left home (I'm 25 now). I cant stand to be around it. Theirs is often the type of relationship that I would think is toxic. I hope I never have that kind of marriage. They will never get a divorce, thats just not what they do, nor will they ever change or do anything about their fighting. It makes me sad because as they grow older I think to myself, don't they deserve some happiness? I'm not very religious, so I dont believe in the whole happy afterlife thing, so I guess I have been more and more sad about their growing older lately. At the same time, I cant stand to be at home when they're just screaming and shouting about the stupidest little things, I am already ready to leave after only a couple of days. I dont want to make them out to be crazy, they just come from a different place, a different generation, etc. and so they think its almost normal to be that way... but I cant take it. At the same time I feel like they always want me to come home to visit, but how can I let myself be here at a time like this? And then they yell at me for taking sides! Its all so ridiculous and I just feel like I dont need it and its unhealthy for me. At the same time, I dont want to add to the misery. On another note I told my SO that I was upset that my parents were fighting, and he just said oh... I guess I wanted a little more support, or maybe I dont know, something... it got me all thinking about my relationship... which is great generally but sometimes I think I am not open enough with him, communication-wise, and I dont know if that is me or him, or both... I guess that is a story for another thread. Just feeling blah, thanks for letting me share.

Dec 27th, 2007, 01:52 AM	#2
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: Your Parents Fighting I'm sorry honey, I grew up like this too, only my parents finally got apart after I left home... I guess Dad bringing his girlfriends to the house Mom paid for got to be too much for her. I chided her for not doing it sooner. They stay together because they are comfortable with each other. And yes, for them, this is normal. I gave up going to my father's for holidays after he remarried, he treated his second wife like he did my mother. If I were you, I'd write them a letter and flat out tell them you won't be coming over until they change their attitudes while you are there. There is NO REASON WHY, at your age, you should have to put up with it. If they can't comply with such a simple request, then get up and leave. Even if it's in the middle of dinner. They need to know that their actions affect you deeply. As for your DH, how was his parents when he grew up? Being a man, MOST guys don't see the emotional toil women go through when our parents are at odds like this constantly. He can't change them, so he doesn't even know how to comfort you. But we PFers do! So I'm sending you a huge cyber hug as well.

Dec 27th, 2007, 02:36 AM	#3
JAN! <3 Location: Toronto	Re: Your Parents Fighting Yeah, I can relate completely. I am sorry to hear that you are frustrated about your parents. And you shouldn't have to be considering that you are an adult. It's ridiculous how they are still meddling into your life at this stage. Such parents need to grow up because it's such an immature and unreasonable thing to do. Selfish as well. My parents are just the same. I came back from my vacation just a few days ago and I expected the drama with them to simmer down. That was false hope I guess because when I came back I realized that I was the glue that held the home together. Upon return, everything had been taken to the next level. My dad is moving out of the house now. My mother consistently accuses me of taking my dad's side and my dad feels that I am betraying him by not wanting to hear anymore about this situation. They are both f.cking pathetic children gossiping about each other to me, telling me the most vulgar things a daughter should never hear about their parents. I have told each of them off. They are both secretly upset with me but can't do anything about it because believe it or not, they don't want to appear dumber than they already have. __________________ If you don't like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.

Dec 27th, 2007, 10:35 AM	#4
lulilu Member	Re: Your Parents Fighting It sounds like that is just how your parents relate with each other. Are they really unhappy, or are they just yellers? Just wondering. I am not sure I would tell them I wasn't returning until they changed, unless you don't want to see them again. It doesn't sound like they can/want to change. Maybe just short visits? Have them visit you, so you have your SO and others around as a buffer? Maybe they would behave if they were outside of their home/comfort zone? I am sorry you are going through this. What a shame.

Dec 27th, 2007, 12:20 PM	#5
Maryanne007 Member	Re: Your Parents Fighting Thanks for the advice and support! Yeah, I dont think they would understand/it wouldnt change anything if I said I wasnt coming home until they changed. They will never change, its been 30 years of this. I think they are both unhappy and yellers. Its so annoying, because they do this for no reason, I blame both, but the reason I had originally sided with my dad was because my mom completely blew up for no reason, I mean NO REASON just screaming because a piece of paper had been misplaced (and continued to scream after it was found)... but of course that leads to fighting about other things, to which my dad then got really pissed off and threw some papers at her, and so on and on. They both have high blood pressure and sometimes I think one of these days, all this horribleness will truly affect their health (if it hasnt already). I was originally going to stay till Saturday night, but I think I'm going to leave tomorrow morning instead, they dont listen to me anyway, and just put me in the middle. My mom started yelling at me yesterday, at which point, I said I was leaving. I mean, come on, its not like I'm 12 here. Thanks for everything. TPF really is the best.

Jan 3rd, 2008, 02:53 AM	#6
moniqueevertse Member Location: Vancouver Island	Re: Your Parents Fighting i can totally relate to you. when i was younger i used to cry when my parents were fighting and throwing things at each other, but now im kinda used to it. sometimes id be embarassed to bring friends home because they would yell and scream anyways and make a huge mess of the house (throwing things etc.) i have a feeling they will never change their ways, my mom can be a huge nag and my step dad can be a total slob. thats what they always fight about. i also feel like they deserve to be happier, theyre getting older and my mom has had alot of bad relationships in the past. i just want her to be happy. sometimes when it gets bad i want them to just seperate and get it over with. but other times theyre great together.

Jan 3rd, 2008, 03:22 AM	#7
chpwhy BANNEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Location: The Fine CIty	Re: Your Parents Fighting Im glad my parents do not fight. They just do the "silent treatment". Not good too right?!. Oh Well.. Its their life, if they wanna stay like this its their choice. U cant do anything. Pray to god that things will be different. When we want our man to talk more they just shut up! have to get used to it! __________________ *John 3:16* And Oh how wide You open up Your arms, When I need Your love And how far You would come, If ever I was lost And You said that all You feel for me, Is undying love That You showed me through the cross

Jan 3rd, 2008, 03:38 AM	#8
trixX Member	Re: Your Parents Fighting I can totally relate. They fight, bitch about each other to my brother and I but seem okay generally. Its just toxic and tiring to be in this environment. They're catholic so they'll never get divorced. No one;s cheating on anyone but they just irritate each other generally. Hang in there! __________________ If you fail to plan, you're planning to fail.

Jan 3rd, 2008, 06:14 PM	#9
azhangie Piggy Fajita Location: I see cows and hills	Re: Your Parents Fighting I can totally relate...my parents are the same. my mom is anal and yells about everything and my dad has a hot temper so the both of them put together = yelling and fighting about the smallest things. Its quite annoying, esp since i live at home...and work with them!!! They are constantly fighting and not speaking and making me the middle person. It makes me sad to think that they cant even enjoy two months without some sort of fight, but what can i do...i just try to get out of the way. My SO is the exact same...he says "oh" too! I've been considering whether or not i need him in my life lately as well, because he seems like he has no opinions wat so ever it has become annoying. maryanne - looks like we're both in similar situations. good luck to u!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 06:30 PM	#10
DiorKiss Needs LV Location: LV-land	Re: Your Parents Fighting I'm so sorry for you! I guess I can relate. But it was my mom's boyfriend who caused trouble, not my father (they split up quite silent and without any fights. It wasn't easy though, because my dad had cheated on my mom). The boyfriend was manic-depressive, so we had fights like that about 1 to 3 times a week. He's my mom's ex now, luckily (She doesn't like the fact that they broke up though)

Jan 3rd, 2008, 06:30 PM	#11
dollyrusso Diet coke? Location: Los Angeles	Re: Your Parents Fighting I can relate. My parents did that my whole life. Waking us up in the middle of the night, packing our suitcases , yelling in front of the neighbors (and we grew up in a nice neighborhood, so embarassing) Only now my dad has a heart problem so he doesn't yell anymore. he's like a different person. __________________ My Collection L.A.M.B. Pictures Thread Ewww...L.A.M.B. Guts! Click here to feed an animal today!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 07:03 PM	#12
Helpmeplease Yes, it's a Manbag. Location: In the land of Birmingham :P	Re: Your Parents Fighting I've been through shit like that tooo much, when I was 9, I lived in India for four months because my parents were going to break up, when I was 12 my dad took me away to NY for three months. They're still married today, and it's been twenty years, and after each argument, they seem to get closer to each other. I just wish they had mute buttons

Jan 3rd, 2008, 07:31 PM	#14
arm9047 Rhymes with Banana Location: Western NY State/Boston	Re: Your Parents Fighting I can totally relate also. I am the first person to say I think my parents should not be together. I hate going home because I have to deal with my dad, my brother, and the drama that ensues. I'm most excited to go home only to see my dogs! My dad has rhumatoid arthritis in his hands so he's always huffing and puffing around the house if he has to do something that he wants done. His medicine makes him even more cranky/irritable and the pain doesn't help. He will slam stuff around in the kitchen so we all know he's cleaning or something. My mom leaves stuff around the house all the time and my dad hates it. My dad is passive and is always like "Are you done with that bowl?" when it's obvious that the person is. In general my dad is always kinda belittling my mom's intelligence in a passive way. Often times i get dragged onto his side because I'm very similar to him and since he is my dad, I picked up a lot of the things he does. But there are other times when I get so pissed at my Dad for being mean to my mom and yell at him. I feel your pain!

Jan 3rd, 2008, 09:45 PM	#15
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: Your Parents Fighting Ack, when you mentioned the high blood pressure it reminded me of this. Just before I married DH, I was talking to my Mom on the phone. (My father had long remarried by this time, but he was now divorced from his second wife, she caught him with another woman.) Anyway, I was telling my mother about how the last time I went to see my father, he spent the entire time yelling at his second wife. Mom told me he was going to stroke out on of these days, she was sure of it. A month before my wedding, he did just that. Has a stroke at the age of 63. Funny part was, his "girlfriend" then dumped him and his second wife remarried him... she finally had him where she wanted him. I'm on HB meds, and I try not to let things get to me. I do NOT want to end up like my father, a virtual vegatable the last 7 years of his life.