[shoppingisme]

when you marry, do you plan to take your husbands last name?
will he take yours?

if so, why?

if not, why?

do you feel that if all is fair in love and war that MORE men should start taking their wive's last names? is there any difference?

why do you think that some wo/men say that when men do this it emasculates them? as if a man is more of a man if she carries his name.

some say that if a man asks to marry and BUYS YOU A RING that it should automatically be the "trade off" - you take his name. however, **i** feel that doing this nothing to do with a woman doing her so-called share in exchange for "chivalry."

i've heard guys say that they would not marry a woman if she didn't take his last name. one said that the woman was "less worthy" of him since she didn't take his name.

some of my thoughts: most people default to the answer of "tradition." however, tradition does not automatically equate the "right" way for everyone.
i'm not against traditions, but i do wonder about the purpose of a "tradition" that makes so many verbalize that a woman should feel honored to carry her husband's name. meaning, if this is the case, why do so many not think that a man can be HONORED to carry his wifes name?

"because we've always done it that way" is SOMETIMES not the best excuse for doing things. i.e. women/african americans/native americans, etc. suffered through legal oppression because "america always did it that way"...

i'm not saying this tradition is not valid, but only posing a question. i think it's interesting, because i've seen anger and tears when wo/men talk about this. to some, suddenly it means you don't love your man enough if you don't take his name. many assume that changing your name is a sign of love and devotion and everybody else who fails to comply to this tradition is, for lack of better word, crazy/lesbian/feminist/emasculated, and is not ready for marriage.

and i've also noticed that for some men, if they marry a SAHM, his wife should forget about even having the option of keeping her name. it's as if they forfeited their rights to have personal values and preferences in matters that do not even involve money - because "hubby" is the bread winner.

i think everyone should do what works for your situation. there is nothing wrong with taking a man's name as there is nothing wrong with a man taking his wife's name.

disclaimer: these are just my opinions.

your thoughts?

[lm040523]

I always joke around with my boyfriend that he will take my last name... but I am seriously going to consider that option now lol...

Like you, I have been in with discussions where men would feel offended if their wives didn't take their last name. It's ridiculous to me, why should I be obligated to change my name that I have had for the last 21 years just because I married you? My name has been on every document, diploma, etc and after marrying you, I'm suppose to throw away my identity and change it? I'm not trying to trash talk about taking your husband's name but I'm just referring to those men who would be offended if their wives didn't take their last names.

But realistically, I would keep my last name and just attach his to the end

[berryblondeboys]

Well, DH and I did talk about this before getting married and it was MY DH (then boyfriend) who brought it up!

He had thoght about it and he knew that he wouldn't ever want to give up his name, so why would a woman? He also knew hyphenating a name just meant now you had a HUGE last name and then what to do with the children's last name? Hyphenate them too? Or give them the father's? the mother's? and if you do that, why not take the name in the marriage in the first place? If you hyphenate everyone's, what do your children do when they go to marry? Hyphenate some more???? It's so complicated!

So... we talked about it and we decided for us that we would come up with a name - just for us. We thought about combining our last names to form a new one, but they were TOTALLY not combinable. SO.... we decided on these criteria for PICKING a name for us and our future children.

1. Had to fit well with both of our first names.
2. Had to be easy enough to pronounce and spell.
3. Had to have a European flair as we are both European descendants (and he was from Europe).
4. Had to have special meaning to us.

We were to write the names we thought of on a piece of paper and then put them in an envelope and when we saw each other next, we would each exchange our envelopes and see if there was anything on each that matched the other, or one that we both could agree upon.

We really thought this would take awhile, but guess what? We came up with a mutual name on our list the very first try! I had three names on mine, he had two and we had a match. It was a Character's last name from a book. I had read that book upon DH's rec. and he said it was the first time ANYONE he knew agreed with how he felt about the book and with that character. It was while reading this book and talking about it that we realized we were falling in love. We could also identify with that character quite a bit... so... that's the name we chose.

It was complicated though. When you get married (in most states), a wife can take a man's name, a man can take a woman's name or you can hyphenate, but you cannot just "pick" a name. You have to get "permission" and pay fees to do it. In the end, we didn't switch on formal documents officially because about the time we were getting married DH was going through immigration (He had lived here as a permanent resident for 5 years and was becoming a citizen - marrying me didn't do anything for him as he had already been here the requisite time). We spoke with an immigration lawyer who said it was best to wait until after he was a citizen because the name change could delay the citizenship.

Ironically, in the end I did take his name, but not as you might think! When you become a citizen, you have an option of taking/changing your name. So, he took his last name and made it is middle name (in much of europe people don't have middle names) and then he took our "chosen" name as his last name. Then, with consent from a lawyer's investigation, we got REMARRIED (no need to divorce) for the easiest way for ME to take my husband's name..

Of course, what would have happened if we were to have gotten a divorce? that's the tricky question! Would we keep our "family" name? that would seem so weird! But then what with our children? Looking back on it now, I wonder how "wise" our decision was, but we REALLY wanted to do it.

The funny thing was - his dad and uncle were totally OK with it. His MOM was not and neither was mine! The WOMEN were upset! LOL His mom said, "Oh, now I won't have the same name as my son" When we told her that if she had a daughter she might now have the same name and we asked her HOW that is different? And she said, "because a daughter is not a son. It's tradition." This is also coming from a woman who hyphenated her name when she got married to DHs father, dropped the 'father's name' when she got divorced and ONLY, ONLY had her son's last name because she married her first husband's brother and took his name!!! Now how twisted is that!?!?!

I know one other couple who combined their last name to make a name... I don't recall their names but it was like Felson and Wilber and they changed it to Felber or something like that....

There is no REAL solution though... that's the dilemma! My best friend changed her last name because she had a HORRIBLE to spell and pronounce last name and she couldn't wait to get rid of it... but when women change their last names to something like "blackhead"???? I wonder if they have a screw loose! LOL

[caxe]

If I were able to con a guy into marrying me, I always assumed I would hypenate my last name with his last name. Unless his last name was something like "Roach" or "Slaughter" or "Lynch" (no offense just in case anyone has these last names) in which case I'd just keep my own and forego any hypenation.

[razorbackbelle0]

I'm going to hyphenate. I once dated a fella whose last name was Frankenberger. I was like, "I can never marry you. Sarah Frankenberger just sounds all sorts of wrong."

[wordpast]

I just had this discussion with my friends. But I don't plan on changing my last name completely if I ever get married. I just don't see the point. Maybe a hyphen to signify the two us "merging" together as one. But I'm not going to totally get rid of my last name.

[mona_danya]

This is so interesting and I've always wondered why women need to change their last names when getting married....I still understand why! this is not meant as a criticism but a true question behind the reasoning for it!

I am muslim and so is my husband and we don't really have that tradition in our culture or religion. No changing of the names on either side!

[Syntagma]

I changed my name. Wasn't even any issue with me because I knew I wanted to have kids and wanted our names to match. I guess I am just traditional. I know many women who hypenate as well.

[PinkSuadeSoho]

Originally Posted by Syntagma

I changed my name. Wasn't even any issue with me because I knew I wanted to have kids and wanted our names to match. I guess I am just traditional. I know many women who hypenate as well.

I'm the same ^^^I wanted to have the same name as my children. I didn't feel the need to hyphenate. For us I was happy to take his last name.

[guccimamma]

i can't imagine a man having to explain to people why he is changing his name...it would set him up for ridicule, maybe not to his face...but i certainly know what my husband would say!

[SPOILEDkiwi]

I plan on changing my name. If you have different last names, how can you be Mr. and Mrs. blank? Then what last names will the kid have? Also, I don't want people to ask my kids if their parents are divorced. I think it just makes life a whole lot easier if I was to have the same last name as my husband. Plus, I like his last name better than my own. If my future husband's last name was Focker, or something similar, I'm sure I would not feel the same way about changing my name.

[candace117]

So this is really unofficial in all sorts of ways but pretty funny.
I have a unique maiden name - I don't mind sharing my name (hey, what if I end up famous, everyone will know me anyway! LOL) so here we go. My maiden name was Zepp. It's how I enlisted into the Army and growing up I played a lot of sports, so I was used to being called Zepp, Z, Zepper, etc instead of Candace. It's easy to say, nobody forgets it, and all that jazz.

My DH's last name is Westlund, which is awesome because it's a few spots up in the alphabet and I really just wanted to move up in life
Ever since I met DH and knew his last name, there was something special about it that just made me want to have his name. I don't know why ok? It's weird. It had nothing to do with marriage necessarily, but it was this burning desire to be Candace Westlund instead of Candace Zepp!
One weird thing is that the ending sound of my first name blended in with the Z sound, so it's really awkward to say my full name. That might have been one reason I wanted a change. Another reason is I wanted to be one of those cool kids that calls themselves by their initials, so I could be C-Dub.

Anyway, the point from my first paragraph is, once we got married and I changed my name, everyone in our unit was like WTF DID YOU DO???!?!?!?! Nevermind the fact that I'm known by Candace by most people ANYWAY. But it was funny because someone took it upon themselves to decide that everyone should call us BOTH...are you ready for this?


Zepplund.

We are both known by that now and it's hilarious. Everyone loves it and it feels like an affectionate nickname a brother made up, or something.

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by shoppingisme

and i've also noticed that for some men, if they marry a SAHM, his wife should forget about even having the option of keeping her name. it's as if they forfeited their rights to have personal values and preferences in matters that do not even involve money - because "hubby" is the bread winner.


your thoughts?

Well, unless a woman has had kids previously, he can't marry a sahm, but if she BECOMES one.... I know MANY, MANY stay at home moms who have kept or hyphenated their last names... I'm currently a sahm and I didn't take my husband's name. And I dont think it's the man that's saying "you must take my name" all the time either. Many, many women just expect to do it or WANT to do it.

The reality is, there is no good solution. If a woman keeps her name, what with the children? And why should the children get one name over another? And if you hyphenate and a child marries later to someone who has a hyphenated name in TWO GENERATIONS you have this going on for names:

Man Smith marries Woman Jones. Also, Man Clark marries Woman Lurch. The first couple names their child Smith-Jones. The second couple names their child Clark-Lurch. The children marry each other and they have a child, so now that chid's name is Smith-Clark-Jones-Lurch. What a mess!

To make it less complicated, someone's got to "give in" or something's gotta give and because there's tradition behind it, so far, it's been the man's name that has stuck. Maybe not in the wife's name, but almost ALWAYS with the children's names.

[candace117]

Originally Posted by mona_danya

This is so interesting and I've always wondered why women need to change their last names when getting married....I still understand why! this is not meant as a criticism but a true question behind the reasoning for it!

I am muslim and so is my husband and we don't really have that tradition in our culture or religion. No changing of the names on either side!

Cultural differences are so amazing!!!!
I want to verify - I remember learning that, at least in the old tradition, kids took on the name of their father at the end...so the prophet's wife Aisha was Aisha bint Abu Bakr after her father...and it was either bin or bint to signify boy or girl. Am I right? Does this still happen?

[wordpast]

The kids can have his name. I don't care I would know their my kids. I don't care what people say or think. People always have something to say. If it's not our last names it'll be something.