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missfunkenstein · Nov 6th, 2009, 09:52 PM

hi again, guys. one of my friends, one of my BEST, wrote to her ex the night he called it quits. (it had been a couple hours since the split). she told me it was just a "goodbye-i'll miss us" type of letter, but i've read it...and that really wasn't the message i was getting. i thought they agreed on the NCR? ..but she fell thru...i tried helping her thru the breakup, being that i've just experienced it myself, but she decided it was in her best interest to write him this extremely heartfelt letter. i mean, i nearly cried when i read it. it really hurts to see her in this much pain, but i don't think she should've sent that letter. it puts her in such a vulnerable state, u know? i guess i'm just here once again asking for some advice to help her thru this, and seeing if any of you guys have done the sentimental message after the breakup as well? what happened afterwards? thanks guys.

juneping · Nov 6th, 2009, 10:01 PM

it just shows that she wasn't ready to let go...she wants him still.
if it makes her feel better, she should write it and wait a couple of days before mailing it out. sometimes we just do what we need to do to be able to move on.

talexs · Nov 6th, 2009, 10:53 PM

Right now I guess all you can do is listen. I agree with juneping and it sounds like she wasn't ready to let him go. I have had friends who have written these types of letters and sent them and well they too weren't ready to move on and unfortunately the letters didn't cause their exs to come running back to them. I think heartfelt and honest is great, but it seems to me like sometimes people use these letters as a way to try and get back together and I have yet to see them actually work. But this is only what I have seen and I suppose every situation is different.

HauteMama · Nov 6th, 2009, 10:54 PM

I agree; she wasn't ready to let him go. Unfortunately, that's beside the point in situations like this, as he had already made the decision to split. There is no harm in writing the letter, but I wouldn't have sent it if I were her. It can help to get your feelings out and on paper, but that doesn't mean it is appropriate to mail that letter. Had he cared enough not to hurt her, he wouldn't have called it quits; HE is not the one to help her deal with her pain, so sending the letter serves no purpose.

bagnshoofetish · Nov 6th, 2009, 11:38 PM

all you can really do is let the whole situation run its course. theres nothing you can do but be there to listen and support and take her to a funny movie and eat tons of ice cream with her. she's going to do what she wants. its hard to listen to reason when you are blinded by love. try not to give advice and just be a sounding board for her.

p.s. I have never wrote any kind of letter like this. Well, I take that back. I have written them but them burned them. Most likely, nothing will happen if he really doesn't want anything to do with her.

karmenzsofia · Nov 6th, 2009, 11:45 PM

I have written those letters, but it's mostly for myself...to put it all there and let it go. I have never sent any of them.

Junkenpo · Nov 7th, 2009, 01:13 AM

oh yeah.... such a mistake to send those type of letters!

when the other person has called it quits, there is no way the letter will be interpreted as "heartfelt/touching"... they'll just read it as "desparate/embarrassing".

I wrote a few letters to my ex that I didn't send...which I am thankful I didn't send becuase once i had some time/distance.... and i went back to read them.. *shudder*... what I thought was an outpouring of explanation of love... didn't quite read that way. I think I may have kept a couple to remind me not do it again... and I think I trashed the rest.

NCR is the way to go.

twinkle.tink · Nov 7th, 2009, 01:25 AM

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

all you can really do is let the whole situation run its course. theres nothing you can do but be there to listen and support and take her to a funny movie and eat tons of ice cream with her. she's going to do what she wants. its hard to listen to reason when you are blinded by love. try not to give advice and just be a sounding board for her.

p.s. I have never wrote any kind of letter like this. Well, I take that back. I have written them but them burned them. Most likely, nothing will happen if he really doesn't want anything to do with her.

Great advice!

I have always kept a journal. I have written letters like this, but only in my journal...never to send. I did have an ex send me, what I think was this kind of letter, when I got engaged to my DH...it was very thick. I did not open it, I sent it back with a very short note...something along the lines of I understood why he wrote it, but I thought he was probably was wishing he hadn't sent it and that while I would always remember him fondly, I was in love with my DH and would never jeopardize our relationship by corresponding with him. Maybe your friend will be so lucky and get her letter back.

vuittonamour · Nov 7th, 2009, 01:44 AM

i have written one, and it really helped me to just let it all out and put exactly how i felt down on paper. my mood and outlook changed dramatically, actually. i didn't ever send it or show it to him (didn't need to) and now i look back and even though i intended to, i'm glad i never had to nor did it. i don't know if it would have done more harm or good.

i think it's good therapy, but not something you should send to your SO or ex SO...

vuittonamour · Nov 7th, 2009, 01:46 AM

Originally Posted by twinkle.tink

Great advice!

I have always kept a journal. I have written letters like this, but only in my journal...never to send. I did have an ex send me, what I think was this kind of letter, when I got engaged to my DH...it was very thick. I did not open it, I sent it back with a very short note...something along the lines of I understood why he wrote it, but I thought he was probably was wishing he hadn't sent it and that while I would always remember him fondly, I was in love with my DH and would never jeopardize our relationship by corresponding with him. Maybe your friend will be so lucky and get her letter back.

that was nice of you...i would have read it if i thought he regretted sending it or not. lol.

Kansashalo · Nov 7th, 2009, 09:29 AM

Originally Posted by HauteMama

I agree; she wasn't ready to let him go. Unfortunately, that's beside the point in situations like this, as he had already made the decision to split. There is no harm in writing the letter, but I wouldn't have sent it if I were her. It can help to get your feelings out and on paper, but that doesn't mean it is appropriate to mail that letter. Had he cared enough not to hurt her, he wouldn't have called it quits; HE is not the one to help her deal with her pain, so sending the letter serves no purpose.

I agree. Is her sending this letter really for closure or for her to keep some form of contact with him (hoping that perhaps he will respond)? If she needs closure, I think writing it is ok, but I would not send it.

vhdos · Nov 7th, 2009, 10:09 AM

Writing letters can be very therapeutic, although I don't believe that much good can come out of sending them. When I was practicing teen/family counseling, I used to encourage my clients to get their feelings out on paper. Their letters, journals, poems, etc. were meant for their eyes only and was simply a means of expression.
Just support your friend and be there for her when she needs you. Writing/sending the letter may not have been the best idea, but we all deal with things in different ways.

Love my Tanos · Nov 7th, 2009, 02:53 PM

Maybe you could suggest to her that if she feels the need to write such a letter again, that she mail it to YOU instead of to him, and you'd never read it. Sometimes the act of sending a letter somewhere, instead of keeping it in a journal or burning it, is cathartic on its own.

I've written this type of letter but only kept it on my computer. A close friend of mine offered to let me mail it to her and promised never to open it & would return it to me whenever I asked. Rather than having it lay around her house, I decided that just getting my thoughts on paper was all that I really needed. Sending it to him would have made me feel worse...sending it to my friend would have made me feel awkward....getting my thoughts on paper was just right.

You never know what will help your friend but really a letter w/in a couple hours of a split could only be teary and upsetting. I'm sure if the ex read it he would understand that and not think poorly of her.

I think what Twinkle.tink did was really kind and mature and I'm not sure I'd have had enough self-control to NOT open that letter!! :)

Wentworth-Roth · Nov 7th, 2009, 03:04 PM

I wrote one, but never sent it.

Jahpson · Nov 7th, 2009, 03:22 PM

Originally Posted by karmenzsofia

I have written those letters, but it's mostly for myself...to put it all there and let it go. I have never sent any of them.

same here. does she have to send it to him?

Nov 6th, 2009, 09:52 PM	#1
missfunkenstein OP Member Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 14	writing a "goodbye" letter to an ex? hi again, guys. one of my friends, one of my BEST, wrote to her ex the night he called it quits. (it had been a couple hours since the split). she told me it was just a "goodbye-i'll miss us" type of letter, but i've read it...and that really wasn't the message i was getting. i thought they agreed on the NCR? ..but she fell thru...i tried helping her thru the breakup, being that i've just experienced it myself, but she decided it was in her best interest to write him this extremely heartfelt letter. i mean, i nearly cried when i read it. it really hurts to see her in this much pain, but i don't think she should've sent that letter. it puts her in such a vulnerable state, u know? i guess i'm just here once again asking for some advice to help her thru this, and seeing if any of you guys have done the sentimental message after the breakup as well? what happened afterwards? thanks guys.
missfunkenstein OP Member Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 14

Nov 6th, 2009, 10:01 PM	#2
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,327	it just shows that she wasn't ready to let go...she wants him still. if it makes her feel better, she should write it and wait a couple of days before mailing it out. sometimes we just do what we need to do to be able to move on.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Nov 6th, 2009, 10:54 PM	#4
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,834	I agree; she wasn't ready to let him go. Unfortunately, that's beside the point in situations like this, as he had already made the decision to split. There is no harm in writing the letter, but I wouldn't have sent it if I were her. It can help to get your feelings out and on paper, but that doesn't mean it is appropriate to mail that letter. Had he cared enough not to hurt her, he wouldn't have called it quits; HE is not the one to help her deal with her pain, so sending the letter serves no purpose.
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,834

Nov 6th, 2009, 11:38 PM	#5
bagnshoofetish keep smiling.... Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 20,377	all you can really do is let the whole situation run its course. theres nothing you can do but be there to listen and support and take her to a funny movie and eat tons of ice cream with her. she's going to do what she wants. its hard to listen to reason when you are blinded by love. try not to give advice and just be a sounding board for her. p.s. I have never wrote any kind of letter like this. Well, I take that back. I have written them but them burned them. Most likely, nothing will happen if he really doesn't want anything to do with her.
	__________________

Nov 6th, 2009, 11:45 PM	#6
karmenzsofia Life is Plan Z Joined: Jun 2008 Location: Tarot Card Posts: 14,886	I have written those letters, but it's mostly for myself...to put it all there and let it go. I have never sent any of them.
	__________________ Satisfied but wishing 4 a WTM Mini and an AP ~~* Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Or, more importantly, is it funny?

Nov 6th, 2009, 10:53 PM	#3
talexs I Love It!!!!! Joined: Jun 2008 Location: always in the office :( Posts: 1,490	Right now I guess all you can do is listen. I agree with juneping and it sounds like she wasn't ready to let him go. I have had friends who have written these types of letters and sent them and well they too weren't ready to move on and unfortunately the letters didn't cause their exs to come running back to them. I think heartfelt and honest is great, but it seems to me like sometimes people use these letters as a way to try and get back together and I have yet to see them actually work. But this is only what I have seen and I suppose every situation is different.

Nov 7th, 2009, 01:13 AM	#7
Junkenpo LVoebird! Joined: Jan 2007 Location: 2500 miles from any continental landmass Posts: 3,055	oh yeah.... such a mistake to send those type of letters! when the other person has called it quits, there is no way the letter will be interpreted as "heartfelt/touching"... they'll just read it as "desparate/embarrassing". I wrote a few letters to my ex that I didn't send...which I am thankful I didn't send becuase once i had some time/distance.... and i went back to read them.. shudder... what I thought was an outpouring of explanation of love... didn't quite read that way. I think I may have kept a couple to remind me not do it again... and I think I trashed the rest. NCR is the way to go.
	__________________

Nov 7th, 2009, 01:44 AM	#9
vuittonamour ooh let me see! Joined: Dec 2006 Location: new jersey Posts: 4,936	i have written one, and it really helped me to just let it all out and put exactly how i felt down on paper. my mood and outlook changed dramatically, actually. i didn't ever send it or show it to him (didn't need to) and now i look back and even though i intended to, i'm glad i never had to nor did it. i don't know if it would have done more harm or good. i think it's good therapy, but not something you should send to your SO or ex SO...
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Nov 7th, 2009, 10:09 AM	#12
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,137	Writing letters can be very therapeutic, although I don't believe that much good can come out of sending them. When I was practicing teen/family counseling, I used to encourage my clients to get their feelings out on paper. Their letters, journals, poems, etc. were meant for their eyes only and was simply a means of expression. Just support your friend and be there for her when she needs you. Writing/sending the letter may not have been the best idea, but we all deal with things in different ways.
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,137	__________________ visit Bonanzle.com

Nov 7th, 2009, 02:53 PM	#13
Love my Tanos Member Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 997	Maybe you could suggest to her that if she feels the need to write such a letter again, that she mail it to YOU instead of to him, and you'd never read it. Sometimes the act of sending a letter somewhere, instead of keeping it in a journal or burning it, is cathartic on its own. I've written this type of letter but only kept it on my computer. A close friend of mine offered to let me mail it to her and promised never to open it & would return it to me whenever I asked. Rather than having it lay around her house, I decided that just getting my thoughts on paper was all that I really needed. Sending it to him would have made me feel worse...sending it to my friend would have made me feel awkward....getting my thoughts on paper was just right. You never know what will help your friend but really a letter w/in a couple hours of a split could only be teary and upsetting. I'm sure if the ex read it he would understand that and not think poorly of her. I think what Twinkle.tink did was really kind and mature and I'm not sure I'd have had enough self-control to NOT open that letter!! :)
Love my Tanos Member Joined: Jul 2009 Posts: 997

Nov 7th, 2009, 03:04 PM	#14
Wentworth-Roth Member Joined: Jul 2006 Posts: 2,820	I wrote one, but never sent it.
Wentworth-Roth Member Joined: Jul 2006 Posts: 2,820

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