[helium]

Originally Posted by PetiteChaton

What we are missing here is reinforcement..comon..ever had a pet?

If you forgive him.. you have positively reinforced this behavor.. if you dont forgive him (at least not straight away), you will negatively reinforce his actions by punishing him..he'll think... "hmm this one wont take my bs".. There are two reasons men cheat:
1) Because they dont care for you
2) Because they care for you and think they can get away with it!

Yours cares for you...but he thinks he can get away with it..and if you forgive him..he'll KNOW he can get away with it.. not to mention he lied to you.. IF you really want to keep him..break up with him for 2 months.. tell him "you need some time 2 forgive him".. test him..see how he'll act in those 2 months and if he'll go run to another girl straight away..he might be the type that does that whenever hes uncertain..

Here are the excuses you've made up for him:
1) Im "NOT SURE" if we were even exclusive..
2) He was just horny.. he used her..

Heres reality:
a) He lied to you for a month about it...
b) He could have told you as soon as you became exclusive but he didnt...
c) He wasnt just horny.. he was SLEEPING with YOU at the SAME TIME.. You were 2 timed.

You can either respect yourself and with your actions show that this is NOT on..or, you can forgive him straight away.. crawl back and give him the permission to walk all over you. Whenever we put our foot down when men clearly misbehave.. they respect us more, not less.
He is well aware that he really messed up... and he expects punishment... if you dont give it to him..what do you think he'll think?

I kind of agree with the essence of what you're saying, except that's not what negative reinforcement is, not only that, operant conditioning may work well on rats in a lab environment, but it probably doesn't work so well on humans in a real life situation given that they'll probably get their reinforcements elsewhere.

[Veelyn]

Originally Posted by PetiteChaton

What we are missing here is reinforcement..comon..ever had a pet?

If you forgive him.. you have positively reinforced this behavor.. if you dont forgive him (at least not straight away), you will negatively reinforce his actions by punishing him..he'll think... "hmm this one wont take my bs".. There are two reasons men cheat:
1) Because they dont care for you
2) Because they care for you and think they can get away with it!

Yours cares for you...but he thinks he can get away with it..and if you forgive him..he'll KNOW he can get away with it.. not to mention he lied to you.. IF you really want to keep him..break up with him for 2 months.. tell him "you need some time 2 forgive him".. test him..see how he'll act in those 2 months and if he'll go run to another girl straight away..he might be the type that does that whenever hes uncertain..

Here are the excuses you've made up for him:
1) Im "NOT SURE" if we were even exclusive..
2) He was just horny.. he used her..

Heres reality:
a) He lied to you for a month about it...
b) He could have told you as soon as you became exclusive but he didnt...
c) He wasnt just horny.. he was SLEEPING with YOU at the SAME TIME.. You were 2 timed.

You can either respect yourself and with your actions show that this is NOT on..or, you can forgive him straight away.. crawl back and give him the permission to walk all over you. Whenever we put our foot down when men clearly misbehave.. they respect us more, not less.
He is well aware that he really messed up... and he expects punishment... if you dont give it to him..what do you think he'll think?

Originally Posted by PetiteChaton

I should also add.. my friends boyfriend of 4 years cheated on her by kissing another girl.. what did she do? She broke up with him.. Because she RESPECTS herself..and her value as a woman, went up very quickly after that... all of a sudden the boy who barely saw her and kissed another girl.. was calling her daily.. flowers were appearing at work, d&g watches, suprise holidays..(and she wasnt even his gf)... he cried..he suffered.. She decided that even after all that she didnt want him back... BUT IF SHE DID take him back..do you think that after months of suffering like this..he would do it again?

So so true! Great posts!

[Fendi84NJ]

Maybe in some situations, this wouldn't be a big deal. I mean if people are single...sometimes it happens...you meet one person go on a date or two...but are still single...end up hooking up with someone from the past...go on a few more dates with the new person, decide you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend...then suddenly wish you hadn't slept with that old bf/gf, f-buddy, friend...or whoever it was.

But since he was very dramatic about telling you AND you just got out of another really long relationship, are you sure you are in the best state of mind to have to deal with this?? If you're upset by it, maybe you just need some YOU time. Then when the time is right, you can have a clear head and be with him down the line or maybe a completely different guy who is the right one.

[mm16]

Hi Ladies,
Thanks for the posts. Sorry that I've been away lately (darn internet has been down!). Things are getting better. I've expressed my feelings to him about it and we're going to try to work through it and see what happens.

I think the reason he felt so guilty was because our relationship had turned into something more after this happened and he felt the need to tell me, which I appreciate (for health reasons mainly).

All I can do is take this day by day and see how I feel about it, and see if I can trust him completely.

[illinirdhd]

Sometimes things like this can strengthen a relationship - I hope it does for yours!