Wow~! my new beau...and need some help!

helium · Jun 25th, 2008, 06:58 AM

I think you are making excuses.

"At least he is honest" is not a good enough reason to stay with a man who slept with his ex while you two were, maybe not 'exclusive' but interested and supposedly in love. You would think, for a man who really loved and was interested in you, he would have been able to keep his thing in his pants for long enough until he next saw you. I would like to think my man, when he gets horny, is able to control himself!

There was a comment about how 'at least it's his ex, not some random woman'. I'd say a random woman is better. At least it's just 'my stupid desires are taking over' as opposed to 'hey this is the woman I loved (and most likely haven't gotten over).'

And you just started dating, it's the 'honeymoon' stage. This is the stage where you two are both most interested in each other, but he still managed to sleep with another woman. What on earth is he going to do when that 'honeymoon' passion dissolves?!

Plus, when you look for a man, you shouldn't be looking for an 'at least he is honest' man. Honesty should be a fundamental criteria for a man, not a privilege.

VPT · Jun 25th, 2008, 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mm16

OKkkkkkkkkkk!

I'm back with an update. You ladies (and gentlemen) are so funny and very supportive.. Thanks for the well wishes.

Anyway, a month ago he slept with his ex girlfriend. I really don't know what to say. I mean our relationship wasn't established at that point, etc. Of course I'm upset and things won't be normal for a while, if ever......

Anyway, I don't really know if I have the right to make this a deal breaker because we weren't serious..yes we were seeing eachother but I don't know that it was very serious/exclusive.

But even if I have the right or not,I'm still upset and hurt. I really don't know how I will visit him and sleep in the same bed that that happened in.

He has apologized and apologized and answered all of my questions. I think its just a matter of time now to see if we can continue our relationship past this.

Can't wait to hear your input...I'll add more when I get to work.

I don't think you should dump him, why should it be a deal breaker when at that time you didn't make him agree that you'd be his exclusive gf? Come on guys sleep with whoever they want. The fact that he's telling you is that he wants to come clean. Your worry should be focused on how many other girls he has slept with this way. How many more ex gfs he has on booty call, and get him checked for STDs you'll never know, though he may have just one fling, the fact that the ex can consent to this no strings attached, she may be doing this to 9384234920 other men, kwim?

aklein · Jun 25th, 2008, 09:39 AM

Helium -- Great post. I couldn't agree more.
I don't see why everyone is so quick to let this guy off the hook. By letting him think that this type of behavior is technically ok, you are giving him license to behave like this in the future. Believe me, when you settle, you get nothing less than you deserve. You also get nothing more than you expect. I know that it is hard to meet decent guys, but you do not deserve this at all. You deserve someone that is into you enough to stop sleeping with his ex and other women when he is sleeping with you.
I, too, think it is very telling that he slept with his ex. Clearly there are still some unresolved feelings there. If he just wanted to have sex, there are plenty of drunken girls at a bar that will gladly go home with a guy for a one-night stand. But I am guessing that it probably took a little more effort to bed the ex. I don't think that we should be so quick to blame the ex. It takes two to do the deed and you are relying on a liar to give you the details of what happened.

~Fabulousity~ · Jun 25th, 2008, 09:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

I tend to agree with you. Sounds like you need to let yourself off the hook with this guy, so he can tie up loose ends with and get over his ex. There are guys out there who don't have this kind of baggage.

IMO, if you hadn't had the "it's just us, we're not dating/sleeping with other people" talk, then he didn't really cheat on you. Yeah, it's slimy to most of us to sleep with more than one person at a time, but others think it's perfectly acceptable if you're not exclusive. When I was dating, if I slept with a guy, then I was exclusive, even if we hadn't had the talk. But I didn't assume that the guy was exclusive until he had told me so.

I don't know - I really wonder about people who "confess" something like this. Chances are, you never would have found out if he hadn't opened his big mouth. I'm not saying it's ok to lie or hide things like this, but if you weren't exclusive, then I don't think he should have ever told you about this - he should have taken it with him to his grave. The only reason people tell things like this is to a) clear their own guilty conscience or b) hurt you. Either way, I think it was selfish of him to tell you about it.

The fact that he told you (not the fact that he had sex with someone else when you weren't exclusive) would be a deal breaker for me. He sounds like a manipulator.

Great Post! You are so right! I'd be really concerned with why he's telling me such a thing. Is she possibly pregnant...too many things would be going through my head which would make me end the relationship.

~Fabulousity~ · Jun 25th, 2008, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mm16

I'm not sure why he had to tell me because I don't know whether or not we were exclusive. That remains a mystery. yes there were feelings present at the time when he did this (1 month ago) but since then our feeling for each other have only become stronger. Maybe he felt the need to tell me because he does feel stronger (falling in love/in love with me/loves me) and he didn't want to have this hanging on him.

Either way I'm glad he felt the need to tell me. I'm positive that he told me because he felt guilty and because he wants to continue a relationship on an honest start..or at least try to start over again.

Tonight we are going to see eachother (we're going to a bar with some friends) and if its awkward and I don't feel comfortable or if it's all I'm thinking about then I think I'll know what I need to do, for me..

This is why it is SO important to find out where you are with a guy/girl, I can't operate in the gray when my heart is attached.

~Fabulousity~ · Jun 25th, 2008, 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PetiteChaton

How were you not serious if you slept together? Personally, I think at this point you are ready to make excuses for him.. because you care for him and thats fair enough..but you have to remember that we set the patterns in our relationships from the start..if you're so quickly ready to forgive him... this will tell him something about you..and your self worth.. Somewhere above you said he did it because he was "horny" and just "used her".. but he was sleeping with you at the same time..he could have just gone to you if he was just horny? People date for years..not months..and then they find out that they dont really know the person they're with..due to shocking actions... I think at this stage you need to protect yourself.. telling yourself you wont be sleeping with him for a long time..but "forgiving him" is a lie..because as soon as you start seeing him again.. couple of dates, you'll be right back into that bed and you know it. What you need to do is completely back off the relationship and make him work for it a lil.. we always appriciate the things we work really hard for more.. then the things that come with ease.. Think of the first designer bag you purchased

Great Post! The fact that they were sleeping together when this happened changes everything.

couturequeen · Jun 25th, 2008, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PetiteChaton

How were you not serious if you slept together? Personally, I think at this point you are ready to make excuses for him.. because you care for him and thats fair enough..but you have to remember that we set the patterns in our relationships from the start..if you're so quickly ready to forgive him... this will tell him something about you..and your self worth.. Somewhere above you said he did it because he was "horny" and just "used her".. but he was sleeping with you at the same time..he could have just gone to you if he was just horny? People date for years..not months..and then they find out that they dont really know the person they're with..due to shocking actions... I think at this stage you need to protect yourself.. telling yourself you wont be sleeping with him for a long time..but "forgiving him" is a lie..because as soon as you start seeing him again.. couple of dates, you'll be right back into that bed and you know it. What you need to do is completely back off the relationship and make him work for it a lil.. we always appriciate the things we work really hard for more.. then the things that come with ease.. Think of the first designer bag you purchased

ITA. It does not say much for his character if those are the reasons he slept with her while he was sleeping with you.

While I think his intentions for telling you might be noble, his character seems to be an issue. He is not who he said he was when you met. I don't think you would have begun dating him if you knew he was someone who was comfortable using people for sex??

nataliam1976 · Jun 25th, 2008, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by helium

I think you are making excuses.

"At least he is honest" is not a good enough reason to stay with a man who slept with his ex while you two were, maybe not 'exclusive' but interested and supposedly in love. You would think, for a man who really loved and was interested in you, he would have been able to keep his thing in his pants for long enough until he next saw you. I would like to think my man, when he gets horny, is able to control himself!

There was a comment about how 'at least it's his ex, not some random woman'. I'd say a random woman is better. At least it's just 'my stupid desires are taking over' as opposed to 'hey this is the woman I loved (and most likely haven't gotten over).'

And you just started dating, it's the 'honeymoon' stage. This is the stage where you two are both most interested in each other, but he still managed to sleep with another woman. What on earth is he going to do when that 'honeymoon' passion dissolves?!

Plus, when you look for a man, you shouldn't be looking for an 'at least he is honest' man. Honesty should be a fundamental criteria for a man, not a privilege.

So many good points I felt like bolding the whole post. Dont let the butterflies in his stomach take the full picture away from you.

illinirdhd · Jun 25th, 2008, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by helium

I think you are making excuses.

"At least he is honest" is not a good enough reason to stay with a man who slept with his ex while you two were, maybe not 'exclusive' but interested and supposedly in love. You would think, for a man who really loved and was interested in you, he would have been able to keep his thing in his pants for long enough until he next saw you. I would like to think my man, when he gets horny, is able to control himself!

There was a comment about how 'at least it's his ex, not some random woman'. I'd say a random woman is better. At least it's just 'my stupid desires are taking over' as opposed to 'hey this is the woman I loved (and most likely haven't gotten over).'

And you just started dating, it's the 'honeymoon' stage. This is the stage where you two are both most interested in each other, but he still managed to sleep with another woman. What on earth is he going to do when that 'honeymoon' passion dissolves?!

Plus, when you look for a man, you shouldn't be looking for an 'at least he is honest' man. Honesty should be a fundamental criteria for a man, not a privilege.

Couldn't agree more.

JuliannaNYC · Jun 25th, 2008, 01:53 PM

You know, I would agree with many of the responses here...the ones telling the OP to take it easy on him, if, and only if, the OP hadn't admitted in her first post that she is just out of a three year unhealthy relationship. That's indicative of patterned behavior, and she is quite possibly setting herself up for another poor relationship.

ladystara · Jun 25th, 2008, 03:58 PM

Helium..great post!!

claireZk · Jun 25th, 2008, 08:58 PM

Great post, Helium!!

PetiteChaton · Jun 26th, 2008, 12:05 AM

What we are missing here is reinforcement..comon..ever had a pet?

If you forgive him.. you have positively reinforced this behavor.. if you dont forgive him (at least not straight away), you will negatively reinforce his actions by punishing him..he'll think... "hmm this one wont take my bs".. There are two reasons men cheat:
1) Because they dont care for you
2) Because they care for you and think they can get away with it!

Yours cares for you...but he thinks he can get away with it..and if you forgive him..he'll KNOW he can get away with it.. not to mention he lied to you.. IF you really want to keep him..break up with him for 2 months.. tell him "you need some time 2 forgive him".. test him..see how he'll act in those 2 months and if he'll go run to another girl straight away..he might be the type that does that whenever hes uncertain..

Here are the excuses you've made up for him:
1) Im "NOT SURE" if we were even exclusive..
2) He was just horny.. he used her..

Heres reality:
a) He lied to you for a month about it...
b) He could have told you as soon as you became exclusive but he didnt...
c) He wasnt just horny.. he was SLEEPING with YOU at the SAME TIME.. You were 2 timed.

You can either respect yourself and with your actions show that this is NOT on..or, you can forgive him straight away.. crawl back and give him the permission to walk all over you. Whenever we put our foot down when men clearly misbehave.. they respect us more, not less.
He is well aware that he really messed up... and he expects punishment... if you dont give it to him..what do you think he'll think?

PetiteChaton · Jun 26th, 2008, 12:10 AM

I should also add.. my friends boyfriend of 4 years cheated on her by kissing another girl.. what did she do? She broke up with him.. Because she RESPECTS herself..and her value as a woman, went up very quickly after that... all of a sudden the boy who barely saw her and kissed another girl.. was calling her daily.. flowers were appearing at work, d&g watches, suprise holidays..(and she wasnt even his gf)... he cried..he suffered.. She decided that even after all that she didnt want him back... BUT IF SHE DID take him back..do you think that after months of suffering like this..he would do it again?

Jun 25th, 2008, 06:31 AM	#61
mellecyn Take me to LV Location: 300 km from LV somewhere in Europe	^ __________________ "You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete" Buckminster Fuller

Jun 25th, 2008, 06:58 AM	#62
helium Member	I think you are making excuses. "At least he is honest" is not a good enough reason to stay with a man who slept with his ex while you two were, maybe not 'exclusive' but interested and supposedly in love. You would think, for a man who really loved and was interested in you, he would have been able to keep his thing in his pants for long enough until he next saw you. I would like to think my man, when he gets horny, is able to control himself! There was a comment about how 'at least it's his ex, not some random woman'. I'd say a random woman is better. At least it's just 'my stupid desires are taking over' as opposed to 'hey this is the woman I loved (and most likely haven't gotten over).' And you just started dating, it's the 'honeymoon' stage. This is the stage where you two are both most interested in each other, but he still managed to sleep with another woman. What on earth is he going to do when that 'honeymoon' passion dissolves?! Plus, when you look for a man, you shouldn't be looking for an 'at least he is honest' man. Honesty should be a fundamental criteria for a man, not a privilege. Last edited by helium; Jun 25th, 2008 at 07:03 AM.

Jun 25th, 2008, 09:39 AM	#64
aklein Member Location: New Orleans	Helium -- Great post. I couldn't agree more. I don't see why everyone is so quick to let this guy off the hook. By letting him think that this type of behavior is technically ok, you are giving him license to behave like this in the future. Believe me, when you settle, you get nothing less than you deserve. You also get nothing more than you expect. I know that it is hard to meet decent guys, but you do not deserve this at all. You deserve someone that is into you enough to stop sleeping with his ex and other women when he is sleeping with you. I, too, think it is very telling that he slept with his ex. Clearly there are still some unresolved feelings there. If he just wanted to have sex, there are plenty of drunken girls at a bar that will gladly go home with a guy for a one-night stand. But I am guessing that it probably took a little more effort to bed the ex. I don't think that we should be so quick to blame the ex. It takes two to do the deed and you are relying on a liar to give you the details of what happened. __________________ Meez are scary, so back to the kitties ....

Jun 25th, 2008, 08:58 PM	#73
claireZk Member	Great post, Helium!! __________________

Jun 25th, 2008, 01:53 PM	#71
JuliannaNYC Sofa King Banned	You know, I would agree with many of the responses here...the ones telling the OP to take it easy on him, if, and only if, the OP hadn't admitted in her first post that she is just out of a three year unhealthy relationship. That's indicative of patterned behavior, and she is quite possibly setting herself up for another poor relationship.

Jun 25th, 2008, 03:58 PM	#72
ladystara Member Location: Arizona/Taiwan	Helium..great post!!

Jun 26th, 2008, 12:05 AM	#74
PetiteChaton Tres chic	What we are missing here is reinforcement..comon..ever had a pet? If you forgive him.. you have positively reinforced this behavor.. if you dont forgive him (at least not straight away), you will negatively reinforce his actions by punishing him..he'll think... "hmm this one wont take my bs".. There are two reasons men cheat: 1) Because they dont care for you 2) Because they care for you and think they can get away with it! Yours cares for you...but he thinks he can get away with it..and if you forgive him..he'll KNOW he can get away with it.. not to mention he lied to you.. IF you really want to keep him..break up with him for 2 months.. tell him "you need some time 2 forgive him".. test him..see how he'll act in those 2 months and if he'll go run to another girl straight away..he might be the type that does that whenever hes uncertain.. Here are the excuses you've made up for him: 1) Im "NOT SURE" if we were even exclusive.. 2) He was just horny.. he used her.. Heres reality: a) He lied to you for a month about it... b) He could have told you as soon as you became exclusive but he didnt... c) He wasnt just horny.. he was SLEEPING with YOU at the SAME TIME.. You were 2 timed. You can either respect yourself and with your actions show that this is NOT on..or, you can forgive him straight away.. crawl back and give him the permission to walk all over you. Whenever we put our foot down when men clearly misbehave.. they respect us more, not less. He is well aware that he really messed up... and he expects punishment... if you dont give it to him..what do you think he'll think?

Jun 26th, 2008, 12:10 AM	#75
PetiteChaton Tres chic	I should also add.. my friends boyfriend of 4 years cheated on her by kissing another girl.. what did she do? She broke up with him.. Because she RESPECTS herself..and her value as a woman, went up very quickly after that... all of a sudden the boy who barely saw her and kissed another girl.. was calling her daily.. flowers were appearing at work, d&g watches, suprise holidays..(and she wasnt even his gf)... he cried..he suffered.. She decided that even after all that she didnt want him back... BUT IF SHE DID take him back..do you think that after months of suffering like this..he would do it again?